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User Topic: Confused, Sad and angry
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That seems to be my days of late...

I am going along nicely with my girls then BAM. WH acts like an ass and I'm feeling like crap all over again.

For example, last week he told the girls he'd come for breakfast, after work. He never did. I had to manage the fallout. I asked him nicely to not make promises he cannot keep. Then he promises to get some mesh for the bottom of Miss 7's rabbit hutch. Another "I forgot".

Then... the big one... He promised Miss 11 & 13 he'd watch them dance at a performance Saturday just gone. And yep, you guessed it... Mr no show. When he FINALLY showed up (after it finshed) I asked him "what happened to you earlier" and he cracked it at me. Started yelling at me that he fell asleep and being nasty.

To top it off, OW is messaging me trying to be my pal. (And yes, I kind of opened the door on that one by initiating contact with her the week before). She's asking me how was my week, being nice. No doubt trying to get info out of me...I'm non responsive.

I'm so angry at WH right now I really want to punch him in the face.

It seems to be all on his terms or none. We have not talked about the A... beyond him denying it and me showing him the door. His attitude is he's single now he doesnt need to answer to me. Am I wrong to have questions that I want answered. I really want to, for the kids sake have a reasonably healthy relationship with him (you know, to be able to offer him a coffee when he comes and chat about the weather) but he just shuts down. In order to have this, I need honesty over what happened. Am I wrong here?? Should I let it go?

I dont want honesty with a view to R. I really want him to admit he did wrong by all of us and own his shit. Period. Has anyone felt the same?

He took Miss 5 and 7 overnight on Saturday. Initially, he wouldnt even give me the address details of where he was. Told me "they're with me thats all you need to know". I told him it was a common courtesy and I expect to know where they are. He did tell me, but was like a 5 year old "there.. now you know... happy now?"

It seems he's playing mind games with me. The only reason I can think its a control thing. He lost control when he left the family home. he is, essentially homeless. he is relying on the generosity of friends to put him up until he finds his own place.

I did say to him "you seem uncomfortable in the family home now". He responded that yes, he is buit he doenst know why. I told him maybe it was guilt/sadness over what he did. He told me "I'm fine with that". (NICE). I told him he can be a real arse sometimes. He hung up on me. Its typical. The minute I say something he doent want to hear he goes quiet.

I'm really sick of walking on egg shells at the moment trying not to say the wrong thing... I dont know why he's making me out to be the bad guy...

Oh, and apparently he's been playing "poor me"... "poor me, my wife kicked me out and I'm homeless". He's been telling anyone who will listen all about it ... he forgot to mention the reason WHY I kicked him out... I set MIL and FIL straight. Told them I had confirmation from the AP if they wished to see it. No response.

Part of me wants to tell him he is to give me complete honesty in order to move forward with respect to everything, including visitation. But I don't really feel comfortable in using the kids like that.

Thanks for reading my ramble.

Any insights welcomed. I've been reading the threads and it doesnt seem too uncommon for the WS to behave like this.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Went through this during my divorce from my first WH. I got the truth and apology 10 years later, when he was doing his 12 steps. Your best bet here is to 180. Hard.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadmumma ~ I'm so sorry you're going through this and your H is being an immature asshole..!!

Do you wanna R, or do you want a D?


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovehatelove.....I want D.

steadfast.. I've been doing 180 (well trying to) but OW contact then managing the fallout of his broken promises has given me a headfuck (pardon the language)

I was really going well (I thought).. we've been painting the loungeroom.. and I've allocated a bit of money each week to re decorating the home to make it 'ours' I was maintaining NC only responding to his messages. Through the week, he asked what time the kids performed. I responed with the time and location and he messaged me back "I'm happy to chat if you like". I ignored that.. I thought 'oh he's human at least' then he acts like an ass...


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot understand a man that will not bend over backwards for his kids. Just terrible.

I hate to say it, but what you describe sounds like a man with either generally bad character, or at best, incredibly selfish and unthinking.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think for now you have to give up the idea of getting an apology or explanation. Wanting one will only make it harder while he is behaving this way. Accept that the explanation is his lack of character.

I don't see why he should get to have you behave cordially and sit with him over coffee either. That is a privilege he does not deserve. Be cold and distant though polite re: the co-parenting issues.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3708 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely the 180 is in order here. Cut off communication with the OW and him, unless as relates to the kids.

I know what you mean about wanting to have a good relationship for the kids. But the thing is, HE will continue to be an arse, no matter how "Nice" you are. It gets you no where - other than him still thinking you are a doormat and that he can emotionally manipulate you. The best hope for a good relationship for the kids sake, is to go hard 180. THEN and only then, will he actually respect you, and perhaps be civil for the kids.

do NOT entertain the idea of chatting and having coffee with him. He just wants to "chat" with you, so that he can still be emotionally tied to you and alleviate his guilt (ie oh well she's doing okay so what I did wasn't so bad after all)

It seems to be all on his terms or none. We have not talked about the A... beyond him denying it and me showing him the door. His attitude is he's single now he doesnt need to answer to me. Am I wrong to have questions that I want answered. I really want to, for the kids sake have a reasonably healthy relationship with him (you know, to be able to offer him a coffee when he comes and chat about the weather) but he just shuts down. In order to have this, I need honesty over what happened. Am I wrong here?? Should I let it go?

You aren't wrong to have questions you want answered. But, gently, I think you're wrong to expect he is ever gonna give you complete honesty or the info you need. You know he had an affair. You don't need confirmation from him. He will NEVER be completely honest with you anyway. You're better off just accepting it and focusing on moving on and detaching from him. You cannot "nice" him into giving you honesty or a civil relationship. Just focus on your healing and your girls, NOT on him or your co-parenting R with him. Believe me, when he sees you don't even care anymore, its ONLY THEN that he would respect you, if he ever is capable of feeling respect, that is.

DO NOT give him the pleasure of offering him coffee. WHAT??!? He doesn't deserve that. (nor does he deserve to come have breakfast with his kids in your home!) Value yourself better than that hun. Your children will be much better served by having a strong mother who respects herself, then having one who is able to host coffee for their cheating dad who cant even be bothered to attend their music events.

HUGSS!!!

180 180 180 -- that is where your focus needs to lie.

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 11:56 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2014
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont want honesty with a view to R. I really want him to admit he did wrong by all of us and own his shit. Period. Has anyone felt the same?

I tried desperately to get this from The Princess. She will admit to nothing - not even the things that I had email proof of. About a month after I left her, I asked her if she had ever cheated other than what I knew about. She reiterated that she wasn't even guilty of that(!) and then told me, "But it was in the mail. Was probably going to happen within the next few weeks. I was working on it."

She must have said that "in the heat of the moment" because she has conveniently forgotten about it as well. She was a pure, dainty little flower, and I'm an idiot for thinking otherwise.

You will not get the honesty you want. You have to learn to live without it. Sorry.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just greatnews. That's exactly how fee... And funnily enough what yeasts, bbias actions do not match his words. Have to for an long time in that regard.

Nora bird and shining autumn... Thanks, is didn't see it like that ( re being nice). I thought I owed it to my kids to be nice to him like that... In spite of everything. I guess I owe it to me more not to allow myself to be treated like that.

Pass... I do think your right. If I look deep within I know that the only "truth" I'll get is as much as he cares to share. Which, in his case will probably be very little. Even when everything was going great this man would never admit to being at fault for anything. Ever.

He was meant to come this morning for breakfast. He showed up, sat out in his car the whole time while I was trying to get he kids ready aNd on time for school. Ended up speeding off in a huff without coming in. Again, I am left to manage the fallout. I have no idea why he sat in he car, he is welcome here in the family home. (Which I'm really starting to re think, honestly).

Does it get easier than this? He has a grown child to a previous relationship which he had custody of when I met him. He used to go on and on about the girls mother and how she used to behave. Funny thing is, he's doing exactly that. I honestly expected more from him.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Topic Posts: 9

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