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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Anyone struggle with thoughts of "getting back at" WS?
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously I know rationally this would be a terrible idea, but am sometimes thinking about what I can do to make him feel this kind of pain I feel, to make him fully understand my hurt. I would never do anything like that, but sometimes I wonder....


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 461 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If a WS gets it, owns their choices and wants to make things right there isn't any amount of hurt I could give them that they aren't already feeling.


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He'll never, ever truly be able to empathize with me. Both of us know that he'll never (if we stay together) be in the situation he put me in. So there's really no way I could "get back" at him. Hopefully--without destroying him--the remorse will be painful enough for him to catch a fleeting glimpse of how I felt/feel.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good points, I guess the thing is I don't think he truly understands what he did, I'm not even sure he feels remorse. He says he's sorry, but I sometimes feel he thinks I'm overreacting


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 461 | Registered: Nov 2013
StuckinNJagain
♂ Member
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had given serious thoughts to it myself. Thought to myself that i would show WW just how it feels to be cheated on and lied to. Thankfully i didnt go through with it. Probably would've really threw me for a loop. Starting to thinks it all just part of the roller coaster we are riding. One of the loopty loop parts. Take the high road for your own integrity, dont stoop to their level. I know I wouldnt have been able to condemn her actions if I did similarly.


BH-46 (me)
WS-44
DD-16
DS-12
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There currently is a thread in the WS forum where the question of RA is being discussed.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=523748

It may seem hypocritical for a WS to preach faithfulness to a BS but after 6 years reading and posting here, I've seen mad hatter after mad hatter here on SI eventually confess to the realization that the RA did nothing for healing and in fact, just created more drama and more pain.

Aubrie - Look at it this way. We're in the garden and I chop your leg off with an ax. Do you think the best remedy to fix everything is for you to snip my arms off with the garden sheers?

From my own experience and suffering with guilt, shame and regret, I wouldn't wish WS status on anyone.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent considerable effort thinking about punishing my W. I finally concluded there's no way to R and to hurt her without hurting myself.

Eventually the desire to hurt her went away.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've realized that he will NEVER know my pain until he is in the same situation. Thankfully, I am not a cheater. Have I thought about it? Yes. But the physical aspect makes me cringe. He was my only. Plus, I have a very strong faith. I'd never jeopardize my salvation for an affair just to make WH "feel" me.

He claims feeling abandoned when he had the ONS. H was in Iraq 18 months. He's been an alcoholic for the past 8 years. I know what abandonment and loneliness are and never cheated. I'm not broken and I don't intend on making myself that way, not for him, not for anyone.

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 1:38 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever even considered it. My spouse asked me about it, my IC asked me, and NO! I literally cannot think of anything I want to do less, than take the pile of shit he handed me and rub it all over my body.

Whenever the RA thing comes up, I literally cannot relate.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he really cares about you, the most hurtful thing you can do is Love him anyway.

Loving him will make him feel more miserable that he did it then if you cheat. If you cheat then he wont regret his A. He'll justify by saying you werent a good woman anyway no matter all the good things you did!

REBREATHER.....i laughed about what you said "rub it all over my body"-exactly. Last thing i want to do is have sex with another man!! Im right there with you...ive NEVER even considered it!!

[This message edited by DTERMINED2SURVIV at 2:18 PM, February 24th (Monday)]




Posts: 271 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ran into my ex a couple months after dday (i dated him 2 yrs before my H and I met). He kept telling me how good i looked. He gave me his number. I took it. I looked at it for a week. I fantasized about some crazy hot revenge sex. and then? I tossed it. The hurt he gets from the fact he is no longer his children's "hero" or that I moved out and don't look at him the same way anymore hurts him more then if I stooped to his level.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mean spend the next 6 years with her pretending to her face and plotting to ruin her financially, siphoning off money and assets, slowly planning my abrupt exit from her life, leaving her in a position of being 50 and not having the tools for success as I prepare to send my kids to college?

Nope never crossed my mind. The RA thing? Not my style. If I am going to screw someone, believe me it won't be that way.

There are some many ways a partner can 'screw' a partner.

I spent considerable effort thinking about punishing my W. I finally concluded there's no way to R and to hurt her without hurting myself.
Eventually the desire to hurt her went away.

That about sums it up. Thanks sisoon.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 2:27 PM, February 24th (Monday)]



Posts: 1432 | Registered: Jan 2012
MailServer
♀ Member
Member # 40502
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mean spend the next 6 years with [her] HIM pretending to [her] HIS face and plotting to ruin [her] HIM financially, siphoning off money and assets, slowly planning my abrupt exit from [her] HIS life, leaving [her] HIM in a position of being [50] 66 and not having the tools for success as I prepare to [send my kids to college?] live comfortably in my own little tiny home somewhere far, far away.

My version of wert's.

[This message edited by MailServer at 2:50 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


BS/Me (58)
WH (58) 3 years behind my back. EA & PA
OW (57) Old high school friend
1 Adult Child
DDay: August 26 2012
5 Ddays since then.
The 5th was a total Nuclear Meltdown
Reconciling. Sort of. It's not him. It's me.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: East of the Grape Vine
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never had feelings of wanting to get back at WH to hurt him, but I have had moments of feeling this strange sense of jealousy. This longing to feel once again that rush of infatuation when you meet someone new, and feel like you are falling in love all over again. That moment when the air seems fresher, flowers smell sweeter, you can't knock that ridiculous smile off your face.

I would never act on those feelings and would NEVER pursue an extramarital relationship because I love my WH too much to risk our marriage and have to spend life without him.

I want to experience that moment when someone insists that you matter in their world and without me their life seems dull and colorless. That falling "in love" feeling - that excitement. I want to feel that again.

WH acts this way toward me now, but coming from him, in part it's different and less fulfilling. I appreciate that he's experienced life without me and doesn't want that as his permanent reality, but those "in love" feelings while fulfilling coming from him are somehow tainted by the fact that he felt that way with OW.

So I've not struggled with waiting to RA, but with wanting to feel special - have MY ego fed for a while - after the beating my self-esteem took.


Posts: 192 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have such bitter, angry feelings sometimes that I fall into thoughts of revenge. Then I come back to center, the center that prevented me from crossing boundaries in my marriage all along.

I've had opportunities to cheat, sure. I've noticed more since d-day. WS knows I get lots of looks from men, he sees it. And he knows I could take someone up on a proposal of some kind at any time. He has had a worry that I might from time to time during the roller coaster ride after d-day. He prays I won't- not just for us, but for myself, because he knows that at that point I will have sunk so low in my thought processes that I have thrown myself away.

Here's the thing- nothing is ever going to make me feel one bit better about my H taking a new sexual partner, discarding me and our family, breaking his sacred vows to a God and me. Throwing more pain onto that and becoming less morally straight isn't going to help me.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it. It could make you feel even worse because you did it. The best "revenge" is to be faithful and let them know you made the right choice to handle your issues appropriately.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1129 | Registered: Dec 2013
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never had feelings of wanting to get back at WH to hurt him, but I have had moments of feeling this strange sense of jealousy. This longing to feel once again that rush of infatuation when you meet someone new, and feel like you are falling in love all over again. That moment when the air seems fresher, flowers smell sweeter, you can't knock that ridiculous smile off your face.

This. I'd love to feel that and I am jealous every day that he was able to. It is just another one of those infidelity isn't fair things.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Shonsal
♀ New Member
Member # 42427
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ agree 100%

When I first found out I was so intent on trying to find a way to hurt him like he hurt me that I joined a dating site. No one but the usual scammers and sleezes replied so nothing really came from it but I dreamt and still dream about when we met and the raw, pure excitement of it all and how it was untainted. And it hurts even more when I realise ill never get that back


A: July 2012
WS: Him
OW: his best friend

Posts: 18 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about it and there were strong feelings associated with a desire for a revenge affair.

After talking about it in therapy what I really wanted was for my WW to understand/feel what I was feeling.

A revenge affair is a simplistic way of trying to connect with you WS. As much as we'd like to think that it would take them to same place we're in, it wouldn't.

Thoughts of revenge affairs are normal. They're a way to find a connection to the WS. The nice thing about posting here before actually going through with one is that others have tried and none found a connection or anything positive out of a revenge affair.

That's the hard thing about reconciliation. There are no shortcuts, although there are some pretty good tools, like the 180, to get us through it.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 19

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