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User Topic: I messaged the OW
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this was a bit cathartic and cleansing for you. I also hope that it doesn't come back and bite you. Meaning that she responds in some way that really rocks your world. OW have been known to do all sorts of things that really ruin lives, other than sleeping with our spouses.

Anyway, I wanted to add that usually right after Dday, and ending the A, the OW typically only hears blah blah blah... from the Betrayed spouse.

If she does respond, your H and you need to o through her response together, and then send an absolute NC letter to her. The Happy Birthday Asshole was her fishing for a response. She will continue.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First - so sorry you are here!

Second - I really liked what you wrote, and I admire your sense of calm. I feel like If I had written a letter, (even now, 8 months after dday) my letter would be filled with expletives! lol

I really liked what you wrote about the OW - "you could have been anyone" I never really thought about it that way...but it made me feel a bit better when I realized that you were right. She's nothing special. So thanks for that!!

Third - Why don't you have your WH block her cell phone number? (and any social media?) There's no reason for her to be texting him to begin with, and you'll feel a lot better just knowing that she can't text him anyways.

Also, do you have her blocked on social media sites now? If not, I think its best to do that too. IMHO (and it took me months to block) it was just easier for my soul once I blocked her. Her page was private anyways, so all I could see was her picture. But still. I want to focus on the relationship with my WBF, and leave her in the dust!

Come back often, the SI seriously community rocks!

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
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Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought of something reading what tushnurse said... "if she does respond"

The ow and my WS had a ONS 4 years ago...I found out, told her bf, and SHE WROTE ME saying how sorry she was and would never do it again...

Well fastforward to APR 12 where she was pregnant by my fws. They started up again and that time it was ea and more the a ONS after they BOTH apologized to me in 2010..

OW aint shit, even if by chance she ever does pour her heart and sympathy out to you, dont believe it.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
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Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if writing the letter and getting those thoughts off your chest helped you step forward in healing, then it was the best choice for you.

There is always a risk of it backfiring because some OWs feed off of drama. In my situation, the OW loved inflicting pain on other people and sleeping with married men. It made her feel powerful, so I never communicated or responded to her.

Out of curiosity, why did he come clean with you about the A?

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
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Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your comments.

4everfaithful83 she blocked me and and WS on social media! We checked on my page and his and we can't bring up her details. I wasn't aware you could block a number on a phone. I will look into that.

Rainbows. I think it actually worked the other way for me. I felt empowered that I could let her know that I had been told what had gone on between the 2 of them for that 2-3 month period yet she had no idea what had gone on with me and my WS for the last 13 years together. It made me think what an insignificant amount of time it was to the time we shared.

And he told me because he had ended it. He had realised that it wasn't what he wanted, what he wanted to do was fight for our marriage, that was barely hanging by a thread when this happened or end us completely without hanging onto the A that he didn't really want. ( I really need to do my profile for background don't I). He used the 4 occasions they met for intimacy and someone to talk to both of which he wasn't getting at home. The fact he said they met in a lunch break just for a hug first of all showed what he needed. He has told me the 4 occasions they did everything but so no need to lie about the lunch hug I would have thought.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Swandart))). If writing that message helped you to begin to heal, I think it's fine. You needed to get it off your chest. I also wrote to wannabe ow and felt some satisfaction, though not as much as I anticipated.

excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You took the high road and put her in her place politely. And the need to tell off the OW varies by person and level of craziness of OW. Ours was psycho so I didn't talk to her except to tell her to leave me and my fWH alone and only when she contacted me and wouldn't stop. At a later time when she sent annoying emails my fWH sent a formal NC which addressed nothing she said but did send a polite and firm get lost love my wife biggest mistake I ever made was stepping outside the M type message. That has kept her at bay...

But she should have no way to communicate with your fWH. He should change his number etc. The fact that she feels like she can talk to him shows she doesn't respect the NC. Make sure he gives no responses back.

So be prepared to have fWH write a formal email or letter if she keeps up the contact.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:47 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you certainly can block a number! I have verizon and I know you can do it through their website under privacy setting, blocking. If you have another carrier or can't figure it out, just call your cell phone provider and tell them you need to block a number, its as easy as that. Or...have him change his number. :)

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
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Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Swan! I did the same thing as you but I spoke to her, not just sent a letter. I was not going to quit until she responded to me and it was actually kind of funny that I got her to a point where she felt she had to quit running. I took control of the situation from that moment on, not her. You're damn right it's empowering.

Posts: 1427 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
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Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Did you expose the OW? To friends, family, loved ones? This is where you will hit her where its hurts.

Exposure can be a humiliating experience. For a OW like her who is single, it can still be devastating.

If you want to take it to the next level then I would also suggest posting her name on cheater websites. This is not to be seen as vindictive, but so that this wh-re can be exposed to the entire world. Future BFs of hers need to know what kind of person she is (by cheating with a married man with kids) pathetic.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I can understand what you did because I did the same thing.

They will never understand the pain we feel and they believe they have some sense of entitlement.

My only advice is stay alert. This may become a challenge to her, especially as your WS goes through withdrawal symptoms.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you feel better after contacting her? Did it help you in anyway?

I struggle with wanting to contacting the OW daily. To ask her why, what they did, is it over. I stop myself every time. She knew he was married, and she chose to make the choices she did. She owes me nothing. I doubt she'll tell the truth. She'll say and do whatever suits her. Lies or the truth? I feel it will just bring more uncertainty. I'm confused enough as it is.

In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Lost
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Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi livingalie2014

I did feel better for it. And 24 hours on I still feel I did the right thing.

I didn't want to ask her questions, I didn't want want to make her feel bad (well a few underlying comments made me feel better). I did it so I felt I had the upper hand over her. I wanted her to know that WS had told me everything (I believe he has told me everything, he has answered my 100s of questions over the last week without getting angry, he understands I need to know). I wanted her to know that there were now no secrets between her and WS that I did not know.

I didn't want a response from her, I didn't want a reply. I just wanted to know she had read it. The fact she text my husband a load of abuse did make me feel quite pleased as it was acknowledgement and made me realise she was feeling hurt after being 'dumped' which is the least she could feel.

I didn't want to ask any questions because she is nothing to me, I don't care what she has to say. I expect my WS to answer my questions.

This place is really great for help, support and advice but ultimately only you know how you can help yourself heal. I know most would not have done what I have but I feel glad I did.

Hugs and understanding for whatever you decide to do

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did something similar the first week I found out. I FB messaged her. She being a coworker that he felt he had a wonderful connection with. I just wanted to know her stance. I wanted to know what she wanted out of the relationship. Was, I standing in the way of "true" love? Will she pursue him? Why did she do it? Very civil. Trying to diffuse a situation as I was sure that I would see her again at his work. My fWH had me believing she was a wonderful person and they were compatible soul mates. (Not anymore...he realized it was never about her, but about the attention)

I also wanted an apology from her. She gave it and built me up...saying she wish she knew me before, "We would of been good friends...blah...blah...I am jealous of you and your family...I am a good sorry." "She was just bored and liked him as a friend...blah..blah."

Good for you to take that step...I am all for contacting them. As far as I am concerned, only you know what you need to heal. Though I never would have shared with her how much she hurt me. It would have made me feel weak in her eyes.

A year later...the civility lost...anger replaced it with pure hate. I sent her a letter my FWH wrote on SI about his feelings for her (that were not good, but indifferant and disgusted) and one I compiled about what I thought she was. I felt I needed to put her in her place. I didn't want her walking around thinking my husband had feelings for her when he didn't. I didn't want her to feel like she was "all that" to catch a married man. That letter made me feel the best. Against what fellow SI's suggested.

Now, I pity her. She lives her own self-induced Karma everyday. Self-loathing.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 4:34 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
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Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you feel ok with this, that is all that matters.

This really has come as a HUGE comfort to me at this stage.

Block any additional forms of communication, should she decide to attempt contact in the future.

I don't think you gave too much of yourself away. I think you struck a nerve.

I do not want an outpouring of emotion, I don't need this.

I hope this will help put her behind you, so you can focus on you.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called and spoke with WH's AP- and never regretted it. I would again if I had to.
(It turned out she had the IQ of a radish, and as I discovered through my doctor, an STD. Yeah, she was quite a gal.) I wasn't in any way interested in what she had to say- I wanted her to hear me loud and clear.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 5:58 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
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Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a bit of your story. I am sorry that you are going through this right now. You and your family. IMO, I never think it's a good idea to contact the OP, especially IF they knew about the marriage beforehand.. Whatever info you give to them in your communications can later be used against you in some way. Even if you feel your spouse is on the up and up.. they may not be, as seen here in this forum about so many WS breaking the NC rules. I say never a good idea to shoot a bullet at a brick wall, especially if you're standing in front of it. You need to worry about yourself at this point and remember to look at your spouses behavior towards you.. not his words.

[This message edited by Sodown at 6:21 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

A dog will not tell you he has fleas but you can tell by the way he scratches. Graham Willets (Thanks to Treharris Mid Glamorgan)

Posts: 4797 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: anywhere but here...
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Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi i have been going through this for a month now and i contacted the OW at my husbands work. She quit a week later. That didn't stop the texts or messages so i as well emailed and texted her. It made me feel good at the time and i told her i was sorry for her and that my husband dragged her in. The last text i sent she said don't put me in the middle lol she put herself there. Now she has put herself on a plane to China to never return. my husband does not know i had contact. But really nothing hasn't changed because he felt like he was in love with her and now won't talk about it and is expecting to live here as friends until my daughter graduates. I belive you can say anything to the OW because she is in the middle. Hope you start to feel better.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
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