You are strong.
Trying to be..
I have DivorceCare class tonight. I will also ask about codependency courses.
I can't believe I was doing so well in NC and I'm feeling like I fell off the wagon.
Haven't seen her in person since Jan 11th. The next time I see her will be on mediation.
I'm letting my beard grow (I want to have a DiCaprio-style goatee but I don't know how to make it yet). Last time I did that was 2 years before I met her, so it should be interesting. She hates facial hair.
The saying around SI is "NC=no new hurts". It helped me stay on the wagon.
Did I miss something? Did you actually respond to her, or is this broken NC mostly self-torture? I totally get it, and obviously the best NC is when she doesn't even enter your mind. I struggled with this, too....how can I see if R is really possible if I'm filing for D and using NC? Well, the answer is that you can still see actions. If she really wants to do the work she will find ways to act that will allow you to rebuild trust and that won't require conversations. Eventually you may consider opening yourself up to R, but maybe not. It helped me to lay out on paper what R would really look like, with examples and a timeframe of when I thought that would occur. Just doing that showed me that what he was doing was really just a tiny speck of something compared to true R. Organizing this on paper helped me immensely. Maybe it can help you, too.
So no self-torture, but yes. It's hard because with her being a SAHM, not caring about paying bills or getting a job, and young kids there's no avoiding contact. Though I do my best - haven't seen her in person since early January, and haven't talked to her and she hasn't heard my voice since around the same time. Our first in-person meeting will be the child custody mediation, and that's the way I want it. I hope I'll be able to keep this NC until then.
I ended up doing the goatee tonight, just based out of a picture. I'm not blonde like good ole' Leo D but it looks good anyway. I avoided some details in the edges and upper lip because it's my first time and I didn't want to ruin it (he probably "has a guy" that does that for him).
DD8 (who was watching) and I both think it looks great. I'll readjust as it grows. Way better than just leaving everything as if I forgot to shave forever - I was getting nervous people would think it was lack of self-care and take pity on me. I'm going to look pretty different at that mediation meeting.
Anyway, I'm back to NC, except for saying no to her tonight when she asked via text (during my DivorceCare class) if I could take the dogs while she's out (WTF?). I love my ex-dogs but I already have the kids and work and paying her bills and yada yada. Of course I said no.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
She seems to be under the impression that forgiveness by you is the only thing necessary to "change the future" between you. And per the above quote, no effort is required by her.
Wow... she is either really lazy, really in denial, or just doesn't care at all. I agree with the other posters. This is bait, and not even tasty, tempting bait. It's bullshit on a stale cracker. Don't bite.
Sorry I've been busy today but I just HAD to read this thread. Don't get played again, GP, avoid the BS stale cracker!!!!
But it's actions, not words, that matter. And my actions have always been decent, even when angry (I'm the type that slows down when angry so I don't overreact).
Maybe she thinks it's the opposite. Words matter, but if you're treated like dirt you should take it. That's what she seems to have learned from OM.
kissing your feet, begging you not to D, and meeting ALL of the items on your list for R
...And even IF, Gotplayed, be on your guard. I got all the above several times and was duped. One time this "remorse" lasted almost two weeks!
It seems to me true remorse knows no time limits. I'm not saying (assuming you do become convinced she is remorseful and you begin reconciling) you would have to punish her for the rest of your lives, but she is beholdened to you to set the duration. In my opinion it would take years.
I wish you the best.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I asked her - so you think our relationship was about power???
It really gave me the creeps.
I wouldn't hold it over her head forever, only until I knew she had changed. And she hasn't.
At some point when she was opening up a bit she said she enjoyed with OM that "she was the man" in their relationship. WTF?
I didn't really know her until those two moments. Made me wonder how long she's thought I'm a freaking doormat.
Nothing against the "I am woman, hear me roar" crowd or anything, but I think she misunderstood the intent of feminism. Completely.
Before, I wasn't really a door mat, but I would probably be categorized as the typical modern, urban male. I would suck up my baser "aggressive" tendencies because I didn't want to be overbearing or a macho douche. I kept my WW on a pedestal.
After DD, I didn't care about reeling in my aggressiveness. She was off the pedestal and if I was angry, I let her have it. If I was randy, she knew that too. I didn't become a douche and I respected her opinion, but neither did I hold back in expressing mine like I used to.
Well, at least in our situation, turns out finding my balls was exactly what I needed to do. I didn't demand her respect so she didn't respect me.
I think this has something to do with the reason Alpha Male types are simply more attractive to women on a subliminal level.
I'd appreciate a female perspective, or flaming rant, on this.
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
I don't know if it's a rant, but as a woman I pretty much say what I think and try to be honest. It seems a lot of men think that if they are straightforward, they are being assholes BUT there are in my experience a lot of men who can be clear about what they think (and FEEL) without being aggressive or passive aggressive. Being respectful and polite are completely acceptable in an "alpha" male.
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
I edit often for clarity.