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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Keep me strong - but how to know if they are finally remorseful?
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are strong.

Trying to be..

I have DivorceCare class tonight. I will also ask about codependency courses.

I can't believe I was doing so well in NC and I'm feeling like I fell off the wagon.
Haven't seen her in person since Jan 11th. The next time I see her will be on mediation.

I'm letting my beard grow (I want to have a DiCaprio-style goatee but I don't know how to make it yet). Last time I did that was 2 years before I met her, so it should be interesting. She hates facial hair.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 749 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The good thing about falling off the NC wagon, it's easier to climb back on.

The saying around SI is "NC=no new hurts". It helped me stay on the wagon.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
badmedicine
♀ Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe your beard can make you strong

Did I miss something? Did you actually respond to her, or is this broken NC mostly self-torture? I totally get it, and obviously the best NC is when she doesn't even enter your mind. I struggled with this, too....how can I see if R is really possible if I'm filing for D and using NC? Well, the answer is that you can still see actions. If she really wants to do the work she will find ways to act that will allow you to rebuild trust and that won't require conversations. Eventually you may consider opening yourself up to R, but maybe not. It helped me to lay out on paper what R would really look like, with examples and a timeframe of when I thought that would occur. Just doing that showed me that what he was doing was really just a tiny speck of something compared to true R. Organizing this on paper helped me immensely. Maybe it can help you, too.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I responded to her, after a frustrating exchange detailed here - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid523675 - titled "Reverse Financial Starvation and Push/Pull at the same time"

So no self-torture, but yes. It's hard because with her being a SAHM, not caring about paying bills or getting a job, and young kids there's no avoiding contact. Though I do my best - haven't seen her in person since early January, and haven't talked to her and she hasn't heard my voice since around the same time. Our first in-person meeting will be the child custody mediation, and that's the way I want it. I hope I'll be able to keep this NC until then.

I ended up doing the goatee tonight, just based out of a picture. I'm not blonde like good ole' Leo D but it looks good anyway. I avoided some details in the edges and upper lip because it's my first time and I didn't want to ruin it (he probably "has a guy" that does that for him).

DD8 (who was watching) and I both think it looks great. I'll readjust as it grows. Way better than just leaving everything as if I forgot to shave forever - I was getting nervous people would think it was lack of self-care and take pity on me. I'm going to look pretty different at that mediation meeting.

Anyway, I'm back to NC, except for saying no to her tonight when she asked via text (during my DivorceCare class) if I could take the dogs while she's out (WTF?). I love my ex-dogs but I already have the kids and work and paying her bills and yada yada. Of course I said no.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 749 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard that YouTube has all kinds of videos. I'm sure that you could find some video that describes how to *do* your facial hair.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


She seems to be under the impression that forgiveness by you is the only thing necessary to "change the future" between you. And per the above quote, no effort is required by her.
Wow... she is either really lazy, really in denial, or just doesn't care at all. I agree with the other posters. This is bait, and not even tasty, tempting bait. It's bullshit on a stale cracker. Don't bite.

^^^This

Sorry I've been busy today but I just HAD to read this thread. Don't get played again, GP, avoid the BS stale cracker!!!!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, puuuleaze. Much like my X, she just wants people to think well of her. Don't give it a second thought and don't let her manipulate you. She is NOT a nice person and forgiveness is about YOU not her.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 569 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said there was "too much hurt", when I fell off the NC wagon. And I agree, but I wasn't the one hurting her, that's for sure. OM hurt her, she hurt me, and maybe I said some things I shouldn't have, mostly justified, in my attempt to distance myself from the insanity and make a space for my kids to have a stable parent.

But it's actions, not words, that matter. And my actions have always been decent, even when angry (I'm the type that slows down when angry so I don't overreact).

Maybe she thinks it's the opposite. Words matter, but if you're treated like dirt you should take it. That's what she seems to have learned from OM.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 749 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kissing your feet, begging you not to D, and meeting ALL of the items on your list for R

...And even IF, Gotplayed, be on your guard. I got all the above several times and was duped. One time this "remorse" lasted almost two weeks!

It seems to me true remorse knows no time limits. I'm not saying (assuming you do become convinced she is remorseful and you begin reconciling) you would have to punish her for the rest of your lives, but she is beholdened to you to set the duration. In my opinion it would take years.

I wish you the best.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was one of the very first things she yelled at me about after DDay. That I was going to "hold this on her head forever" and that she was going to lose all the power in the relationship.

I asked her - so you think our relationship was about power???

It really gave me the creeps.

I wouldn't hold it over her head forever, only until I knew she had changed. And she hasn't.

At some point when she was opening up a bit she said she enjoyed with OM that "she was the man" in their relationship. WTF?

I didn't really know her until those two moments. Made me wonder how long she's thought I'm a freaking doormat.

Nothing against the "I am woman, hear me roar" crowd or anything, but I think she misunderstood the intent of feminism. Completely.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 749 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm probably going to get 2x4's for this, but I noticed a remarkable change in your relationship dynamic after DD.

Before, I wasn't really a door mat, but I would probably be categorized as the typical modern, urban male. I would suck up my baser "aggressive" tendencies because I didn't want to be overbearing or a macho douche. I kept my WW on a pedestal.

After DD, I didn't care about reeling in my aggressiveness. She was off the pedestal and if I was angry, I let her have it. If I was randy, she knew that too. I didn't become a douche and I respected her opinion, but neither did I hold back in expressing mine like I used to.

Well, at least in our situation, turns out finding my balls was exactly what I needed to do. I didn't demand her respect so she didn't respect me.

I think this has something to do with the reason Alpha Male types are simply more attractive to women on a subliminal level.

I'd appreciate a female perspective, or flaming rant, on this.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 636 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if it's a rant, but as a woman I pretty much say what I think and try to be honest. It seems a lot of men think that if they are straightforward, they are being assholes BUT there are in my experience a lot of men who can be clear about what they think (and FEEL) without being aggressive or passive aggressive. Being respectful and polite are completely acceptable in an "alpha" male.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 569 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if it's a rant, but as a woman I pretty much say what I think and try to be honest. It seems a lot of men think that if they are straightforward, they are being assholes BUT there are in my experience a lot of men who can be clear about what they think (and FEEL) without being aggressive or passive aggressive. Being respectful and polite are completely acceptable in an "alpha" male.
Amen.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6462 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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