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User Topic: silence says so much
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually had called a MC and made an appt for me for next Wed. Do I keep this? This is the MC that his psych referred him to and that he was supposed to make an appt with but he only had time available on a day when he always has clients booked. OK but we are dying without communication, without MC. So I called and asked if I could come in alone first time. He says yes, he likes to meet both couples separately at first. Then I find out he is in the same office as WS psych and I am uncomfortable with that but I would go ahead anyway, try whatever I can I thought.

But now I am just so demoralized by him telling me that we are over because HE can't take it. I do know that he is under extreme stress at work but am I the whipping boy for that? Does he have to tear me down for that? Or does he really have so little feeling for me that he will tell me it is over because he can't stand my pain and questions?
Is this just blame-shifting? Have I had all this done to me and he is going to say he has had enough? He also kept yelling that he is tired of me playing the victim....was just so mean. I am afraid I am going to grovel to him for comfort....because the pain is so bad. I called my son for some comfort but I can't do that too much, he is highly stressed at school. I have no one else, they are all tired of this and can't really help. I wish there was some magic want I could wave to make him not hurt me. This pain is all encompassing I can't think of anything else. He hurt me so much.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do have a magic wand - it's called the 180. Please, take the biggest, deepest breath and make concrete plans to get out of this relationship. This is abuse and not one thing about it is acceptable.

(((mainlyinpain)))


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 191 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIPain,

I haven't read past posts to know your story. But please reread what you've written. You speak of him as if he is a parent and you are a scared child needing "daddy" to come home and make you less scared of the carjacking person or the boogeyman just to get through the day? I'm concerned that this fearfulness is a more serious concern for your life, and with deeper roots than just having a habitually cheating husband? Do you have regular friends to talk to about your day? To meet for lunch?

When I become a hermit in my life from others, which I do when I gain weight, the fearfulness, self-absorption and neediness increase to where people are happy to flee from my presence.

Please talk to your counselor about neediness and being the adult in your life again, so that he must treat you like an adult instead of as a pesky child displeasing him.

You cannot control his behavior or choices. You can change only yourself.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His behavior only makes sense on Unremorseful WS Planet.

He continues to lie to you......and you being upset/pissed off about it does NOT make you a victim. You have every right to ask questions about that phone you found.

Your WH is pulling out every abusive trick in the book to use on you right now because he knows that you aren't going to *do* anything.....and he has made sure to put you in the *emotional space* of not *being* able to do anything about it, kwim?

I spent way too long trying to deal with a WH who didn't want to *give up* the truth to me and continually said things to me such as your WH is saying to you. One day I realized that he was treating me like a dog.....and that he wasn't one of those *nice* dog-owners, he was one of those sadistic ones (like Sid(?) in Toy Story). I *knew* he was still lying to me, and he knew that I knew it. My WH would *dangle* a little encouragement/truth in front of my face, and then when I went to *bite* it......he'd yank it away, stuff it in his own mouth and laugh like a maniac. (Not literally, but THAT was how it *felt* when he would withhold information and make *me* out to be the problem). In time, being treated like that REALLY started to piss me off because it is so, so demeaning and disrespectful.

You need to get pissed about this treatment.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7876 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have experienced what you are going thru.
It is not easy and it can wear you down to a shadow of yourself over time.

My Wh too had "stress at work" and couldn't deal with the "talking".

So I waited for a better time...tried to be the better person.
My kids don't know, they may suspect.

I just want to say this to you "mainlyinpain"

If you are waiting for a "better" time to deal with it with your WH......it may never come.

It has been over 4 years for me since D-Day.

"The good time to talk" never came.
We are able to be in the same room and be cordial to one another. He acts like everything is ok and even tries a hug at times, but I just can't hug back anymore.

Now I am waiting for the good time to separate. Moneywise and less stress for WH, time is coming soon.

It makes me sad to give up on a marriage, but I also can't live like this anymore.

I have lost my strength even more now and I don't feel happy often. I feel stuck and don't even know if a separation is the right thing sometimes.

But there is sill that glimmer in me that sees the calmness for me that overrides the hardships of leaving this marriage.

Good luck to you and do see an MC....even if it is just for you. It helps to get the strength to see clearer and to feel good about yourself.

(Maybe I need to see one again myself )


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2836 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You absolutely know what needs to be done. Now do it. DO NOT let me treat you like this. My advice to you would be to either tell him it is time for him to leave or else you are going to. Then do it. He will continue to treat you like this until you make the decison to make him stop. My guess is that once you leave he will be calling and checking up on you constantly.

Seems he needs to be the one in control since he knows he really has not control. My h for the most part did the same for years after his a when I would confront him with questions he didn't care to answer. He would clam up and go in his silent mode thinking that it would take care of itself. These days years later, he knows this shit doesn't fly anymore because he knows quite frankly that I WILL LEAVE plain and simple.

All of us long time SI-ers know this game only too well. It is not a game you want to play. So box it up and tell him you will not be playing this round. Turn the tables around. YOU are not the one who did anything wrong.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 11:33 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 2410 | Registered: Sep 2005
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys, Sparkle, Heavysigh, deena, gonna and ticked who responded back today. After this thread I wrote on another thread, "he says he's through".

This rage was very painful, coming after 8 days of silence. And my being the bigger person and breaking that silence which was precipitated by that phone I found, which I know you are all correct and I have the perfect necessary right to confront him with that. Which I did not even do as I knew it would cause a rage. I told him I would give the info to his psych and he could handle it there.

When the rage happened I was already so hurt from the silence. I never know when this rage will occur but I now know that there is no rationality to it. I know I should not engage and really was not able to as the rage would not let me speak, did not want me to speak, did not care what I said. This is no way to communicate. Yet, I am conditioned and every thing he said was a wound to me. To a body, mind and heart that is already on life support.

I have stepped back now and look at this rationally and tell myself that I should not be communicated to in that way. I have done no harm. Any fault that he thinks I have can at any time be addressed to me in a calm and concerned manner. Hey honey---I want to talk about this---I am concerned about this----I would like change here.....Fantastic! This is communication, this is two people working on life together. This is how I communicate with him. I schedule a time to speak, I make notes ahead of time, I allow him to answer or suggest or defend.

Not spilled out vilely in a rage to a damaged person. Who is not able to defend or protect because is not allowed to speak. How horrible.

Heavy Sigh, No I did not want to talk to him about the carjacking in our neighborhood to protect me or because I was scared , but as a way of sharing the incidents of our day, our life. If anything the relationship is me as a parent and him as a child, I worry about him, not the other way around. I have been somewhat of a hermit lately, deflecting offers of lunch dates and such because I do not feel I would be good company. I will work more on that.

Gonna, I have moved from extreme hurt at this treatment and feeling like there must be something wrong with me for him to act like I am repellant. I have been ground down into low self-esteem. I am now more sure that everything he said was nonsense, from how he thinks it is my fault because I just couldn't move on. Move on? Do you have any concept of my last twelve months? Not too mention the last fifteen years? He said he told his psych that he was never talking about A again....seemed to relate that his psych agreed that was what he needed. None of my calls to psych have been returned.

Deena, we are in the same boat. It is sad, right? The loss we see looming. Can't even fathom the gain. Cause life has been such a battle I envision such a battle to change and am already exhausted. yes, go talk to a mc or ic to help you sort this out.

TO, I am not going to leave my home. This is the house my son comes back to and he would much rather come back to a house with me init than WS. And I am not the one who needs to scuttle away with her tail between her legs. And he owns his parents empty house, the house her daughter told me he was living in while waiting to divorce me two years ago. The house that is a shrine to his parents and his FOO issues. He can go there and make her story a reality.
I don't feel that my leaving has much power or the threat of it. Because she is always in the background, looming like a vulture. So he has a second choice. For whatever reason I am his first choice to live with and be married to so far. Lucky me.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am stuck in between.
I have the MC appt tomorrow, by myself, that I am apprehensive about. I have to trot out the whole horrid story for yet another person, this one is a male and I have only had females before. I should first ask his opinion on dealing with affairs in marriage and what else?

I am feeling pulled between a need to find out what WH is doing as there is no communication between us at all, still being shunned. I have constant apprehension about what is going on behind my back.

I today felt bad about myself, feeling like his righteous anger maybe means there is something wrong with me. How else could he write such mushy things about what I mean to him in a Valentine's card two weeks ago and then say we are finished. He said I spend all my time looking for things wrong about him? This is not true, right? I don't know how else to be at this point except to be suspicious of everything he says or does and to try and find information. It is to calm my fears and not to be hurtful to him. This is where I have been twisted to feel bad about this. I feel bad that anything I do causes him pain. I know this is the results of his choices and a consequence of his actions, why does he not?

I am just so hurt by him not caring about what I feel for not caring about me at all and how much in pain this shunning does to me. So hurt by how he rejected my offer of comfort to him the night of his rage. I feel so pulled in two direction by him....one week I am his soul mate....the next week we are over he says as he rages and makes me feel repellant to him.
But I always feel at fault. Why is this? He makes me feel like I am less worthy of my pain of this because he has so much pain/stress at his work. I know it is terrible for him and he barely functions with his workload. But it does not seem right that that means he has nothing for me for what I am in pain about. He seems to need to say that he is the more important person and my issues are less than his so his should supercede. I think I am feeling intense pain from how he rejected me when I told him I had new info that caused me heartache.
I am stuck..


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mainlyinpain)))

I am stuck in between.

I am stuck..

What does this mean? How are you stuck?

If you take WH out of the equation, what do YOU want?


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious why he is seeing a psychiatrist... does he have any diagnosis of mental illness?

His behavior towards you is very cruel, manipulative and controlling. Could he possibly be cheating again. Many cheaters create and escalate hostility and conflict intentionally so they can have more freedom and less accountability so they can cheat more easily.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 518 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is 180ing you and it should be the other way around. Hugs.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks IWant.

I am stuck between thinking we were in R and his raging at me after I tried to end a week of silence and telling me we are over and was moving out on Sunday and then nothing happening. He will not talk and acts as if I am repellant if we cross paths. I had made a MC appt for me before the rage episode and the telling me we are over and now feel like I don't know if I have a marriage to need a MC.

He is working 12 hour days so we don't have much time in the same house but it is still unbearable. As the time approaches for him to come home each time my anxiety increases. To take him out of the equation means a total life overhaul. Our families are enmeshed. My work is work I do at home for his business. He tells me he is out of here and then he plays basketball with my brother on Monday night. And speaks not a word to me. Anger emotes from him.

He sees a psych. I am unsure as to diagnoses but I think they include depression which he is on meds for, some medication he is on for stopping using cocaine. Possible bipolar II. His psych from three years ago diagnosed suicidal, self-destructive behavior and both show narcissistic tendencies. He also is an almost pathological liar which has shown some improvement, I think. Mostly he seems to go there and talk about his work stress. During his rage his told me that at his last psych meeting he had told him he was never talking about A again. We have not had MC since I found out about his continued contact with OW and revelation of drug use, purchased from OW.

I do worry that he is cheating. I felt uncomfortable near Valentines Day when he gave me flowers. early but had no receipt for flowers or card and was very upset and defensive that I questioned that. And his story changed a bit. Made me feel bad when he also said how he was just trying to do a nice thing and I have to question it and ruin it. I would have expected understanding that I fear things I can not verify. Instead he was just defensive.

whatthe, when you say "His behavior towards you is very cruel, manipulative and controlling" can you tell me which behaviors exhibit which of these? I know it must be obvious to you but I am very mind-muddled and can't verbalize what action means what. It just all hurts. thanks


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((MIP)))))

You always feel at fault because you have been emotionally abused, honey. Can you see that? Can you accept that he is wrong? That you should not defer to him and let his warped vision of the world control you?

This is not about your being at fault or unworthy. It is about your being married to a cruel man who uses you. He has you conditioned.

When you see the MC, don't even bother to ask about how to deal with an affair because it's beyond that. You need to ask how to break free from a controlling husband and regain your sense of self.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4042 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our posts crossed! I'm going to take a stab at answering your question to whattheh.

It is cruel because he is denying your emotional needs and depriving you of the love and security that a true partner should give freely. It is cruel because his rage frightens you and his silence reduces you to nothing.

It is manipulative because he is withholding that affection as punishment for your daring to raise a subject HE does not wish to discuss. He is trying to train you to hate his reaction to the topic so much that you avoid it.

It is controlling because he is REFUSING to engage on any subject not of his choosing. Because he is refusing to meet you halfway but insisting on his terms only.

And all of those things are abuse.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4042 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, norabird. I used to be very verbal and concise with my vocabulary, but I am so screwed up that I can't even find the words to say what I feel and what what he does makes me feel. Your words were perfect and I am printing them out to take with me tomorrow to the MC. You have given me the clarity to describe exactly what I feel. I am hoping this goes well and gives me direction.

norabird, I wish I could send you some flowers. You are always there with a kind word that is insightful yet kind.

Thank you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here are some flowers for all of us! Crocuses, because they are the first things to come up in spring...and when they appear, it's still a little cold and blustery, but they give hope that yes, the days are going to get longer and warmer and winter will pass.

I hope your session goes well today.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4042 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning he was up early and left early for whatever reason, don't know. I of course think he is meeting her in their old place as she has Wed off and they used to have sex in morning. Probably not that at all, for all I know he went to church. But I don't know.

Anyway, before he left I approached him and started to talk. A few words in he, not looking at me, just angrily says I am not talking. I said I am going to say this sentence. I said....you need to do what you said you were going to do. You told me no less than fifteen times that we were over, that you were through. You said you were packing last Sunday. You need to do that. This limbo is too painful for me, too much torture. I don't know why you want to continue living with someone when you behave as if I am repellant to you, you exude hatred. This needs to stop. I have done nothing to hurt anyone. As I was talking he walked to another room and said nothing.

Anyway, I felt better. I am allowed to speak if I so desire.
Beautiful flowers, norabird.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((mainly)))) Sending you strength and comfort, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24767 | Registered: Aug 2011
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stand up to him, stand up for yourself. I am so proud of you!

Anyway, I felt better. I am allowed to speak if I so desire.

THIS^^^is so beautiful.

Strength and grace. Beautiful.

(((((MIP)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
LadyLove
♀ Member
Member # 40664
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Mainly)).. My heart hurts for you.. I wish I could throat punch that fucker for you..


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 48 Ladyslove
Don't know if I can live with it.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 57
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