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User Topic: silence says so much
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lady love...... ....picturing it, .......
Well, it's the thought that counts!

Thanks, GtH, I thought it was empowering for me.

Only thing, went to see new MC, a man (haven't had before). Not sure how I feel, really liked the female one has seen once before who is too far away.
He was all over the place with random questions and I could hardly keep the facts straight. Was very matter of fact, kind of made light of stuff, would put me on the spot, if I answered I don't know to something he would say ...Yes you do....(when I really didn't). He asked what do you really want and I said truth and he said no you don't what you really want is to stay married that's why you havent' seen a lawyer. I said no I want truth. If he told me truthfully, that he was with OW or wanted to be or loved her I would say good go be with her and I would feel great. Because I would know the truth and I could make a f-n decision finally, based on a truth. I mentioned fears of currently contacting OW or using coke and he said I should continue investigating that. Argggghhhhh

But he told me I should not engage WH, don't draw line in sand. That he is not going to do what I tell him so don't bother. Also when I said how WH always want to make it about how stressed he is at work he said that his father was also in that business and he knows that they are really busy at this time. Nothing about how no matter how busy he should have time for marriage also.

I made another appt with him for next week because he said I needed to talk to someone or that it would help or something. I don't know. I think one more appt and if I don't feel it.....no more.

So basically, continue to let silence reign. Continue to be worried about the behind my back stuff and try to investigate to verify.

I am going somewhere to scream some expletives.

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 11:17 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read through all this and I have trouble understanding why you feel trapped and powerless.

Why aren't you angry at him for ignoring you? He knows it hurts you. He is trying to hurt you. His choice when you are upset is to further hurt you. This is abuse.

There is no way you are in R with this dickhead. I'm sorry because I know that's what you really want, but he's not participating in R.

Why aren't you ignoring him? When you described your "blow up" and I read how he responded all I could picture was a man child with his hands over his ears screaming "lalalalalala I can't hear you lalalalala".

The MC is right. You want more than the truth. You want R. You are going to have to come to terms that your WH has no intention of reconciliation. He wants to rugsweep and he's very pissed off that you won't.

You should go see a lawyer so you can do something to ease your feelings of helplessness.

I think going back to the MC is a good idea. Give it a chance. He wants you to detach and start to take back the control you have. Somehow you have given it all away to someone who hurts you.

You can get it back. So many people have posted trying to encourage you and keep you going. What would you tell a child who is being bullied? You are being bullied. Your thoughts and feelings matter. They do not need your WH's approval to be valid and true. He's a lying bully. One step at a time. the 180....


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed, I AM angry. I feel powerless to change the situation because I have a H who won't engage. Maybe I am not seeing things correctly. I feel powerless because he has said we are over and he is done and leaving and then does not leave. What do I do then? I am not moving out, he knows that. He has an extra house to move to. Really, if that is what he wanted I would be happy if he did it. It is the mixed message, I am constantly jerked one way and then the other with him. And overlying it all is no trust.
MC saying I want R is too simplistic for me. Of course I am still here or was still here before the rage incident because I wanted R. But I was very very sure I did not have the necessary truth of what happened over the last ten years and what the relationship with OW really was. I had lies and I knew there were lies and I knew I was not going to get truth out of him without MC. And I knew there was not really R without truth. So it is an iffy R where I need truth. Finding the phone from 2009 might make we want to stop R. I need him to come clean about that phone and the real parameters of their relationship. I want TRUTH. More than R.
I do need to see a lawyer for myself.
I felt so sure before seeing MC that my WH lament of work work work stress should not be valid but then the MC seemed to say, oh yes, it is a very tough time for him. But what does that mean to me? Do I put aside all of my needs for that? Doesn't finding a phone that shows lies trump work work work? I ended up not knowing if I was right to confront with the phone. Feeling that I should have sat on that info until a designated time that was less stress for WH. That makes me crazy. Mostly I want the silence to stop no matter what replaces it. I would be happy to hear him say I am leaving because I want OW. Because that would be a truth. Silence gives me nothing.

The silence went on for a week. I didn't have a blow up, I approached him and he had a blowup last Friday. I approached him today to say he should do what he said and leave. These were my two communications with him since he commenced the silence. I am otherwise ignoring him also. But, there is no satisfaction there. There is limbo. This is where I feel powerless.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIP...even with the truth...if he still treated you like this, why would you stay with him? Whatever you do or don't know about his A, his behavior is reason enough to not be with him. I know it is hard for you to feel that way. But I also know that you are miserable and that you deserve to be happy and independent, and can get there eventually.

I would try not to worry about what the MC said about the busy season at work. I don't think it was his place to make that comment, but you can ignore it. You are right, there is no excuse for WH brushing you off no matter how busy he may be.

There may be something useful in what he says about not trying to engage though....detachment by another name. Focus on you!

If the next meeting with this MC doesn't make you feel like he 'gets' it or can support you, I hope you look around for another IC instead of giving up.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you are here. Sending Mojo.

Because I would know the truth and I could make a f-n decision finally, based on a truth
.

How many times have we heard *actions, not words*? At this time, do the *facts* of the A really matter anymore? He is showing you who he really is. Why don't you believe your own eyes?

This is where I feel powerless.

You're not. File

Why don't you believe you are worthy of so much more?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You HAVE the truth. He has said he doesn't want to stay married or talk about it. He comes and goes whenever he wants, probably seeing OW. He has no respect for you because he sees you as weak. He is treating you like crap, wishing you would leave him alone, and you are begging him to engage and talk.

He knows even if he told you the truth, even if it's he's sleeping with OW, you are not going to do anything different.

Until you respect yourself, he will never respect you. You have to stop waiting on him to speak and you need to move on. You want to fight, he is done fighting.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Aug 2009
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what he really is done with is owning any truths. He wants to stay married to me on his terms. His terms being I never talk about A and I dont' have truth about A.

I now believe he never stopped contact. Whether there was sex or not, whether for a period of years it was phone contact, who cares. This is so deeply painful. There were years there after first DDay where I gave my heart and soul, I opened myself up and was completely vulnerable and thought I finally had a committed relationship, was finally valued and treasured. That was a lie. How insidious, How d deviant, such disrespect for my life, heart and soul.

I did not listen to MC, This morning I woke up in bed next to this nonverbal manchild. I said, get out, get out , get out.
Why are you here? You treat me like a piece of shit. Why do you want to live with someone who you feel that way about? You never were truthful. You lied. for the past fifteen years you lied. You lied to me and were fucking around with her......
He says.....I wasn't fucking around with her.....I believe still tryng to maintain he did not have sex since first dday....however he defines sex who knows.
Insidious lies. I said I know you were with her or in contact with her I HAVE THE PHONE from 2009 that shows 750 previous hours.
He just yells the problem is you can't move on from the past....that was the past.
I say....a past you don't even respect me enough to tell the truth about. A past that she knows all about ....my life that she knows all about and not me. Get out get out get out.

I am filing. Have commitments til later this afternoon. Then I pick a lawyer, make an appt and let the chips fall where they may.

I am woman, hear me roar.

That aged me.

Actually somehow the theme from Underdog keeps running in my head.

I am getting dressed to leave. He is vacuuming. Ignoring me.
No one dead yet.

Ciao bellas.....and whatever the masculine version of that is!



DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am woman, hear me roar.

Loud and Proud.

I am sorry that it had to come to this, but Oh boy am I glad you dusted off the bitch boots to kick him in the Ass!

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel powerless to change the situation because I have a H who won't engage.

You don't need him to engage with you in order to change the situation.

You'd only need him to engage with you if you were working towards R. I think that's what's hanging you up. The hope that he wants it, if it's still possible.

He is telling with his actions and treatment of you that R isn't possible but it seems like you don't want to hear/see that. We know it's a painful realization.

He isn't sending mixed signals. He is using every method he can to manipulate you. He knows you'll interpret them as mixed signals and not hold him to anything.

I think the MC is trying to upset you enough to make you stand up for yourself. He is minimizing your WH's bullshit so you will say "hey this isn't right-what about me" then he can help you go on from there.

Either that or the MC is an asshole. Go again to see how you feel.

I'm really proud of you that you are seeing a lawyer. File for exclusive use of the home and then he will have to leave. That's the power you have and you don't need his help to do that.

Speed of lightning, roar of thunder....
You are strong and you deserve to be treated with love.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Starzjourney
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{MIP}}}

I mostly post in S/D thread...lurk here...I felt a need to respond to your post because it touched something inside of me...my STBXWHRL treated me in many of the same ways after each D-day and I felt so much of what you have expressed, I have been to humiliated to post those feelings...looking back it is hard for me to understand why I gave him so much power because that is what you are doing, the only answer, I loved him more than I loved myself...

I did not (and still struggle with) believing that the man I spent almost 20 years of my life with could be so selfish, manipulative and just down & dirty emotionally abusive...but it's true, he is...

You aren't going to get the truth you need on your terms, if you ever get the truth in it's entirety at all...the reality is you know the truth. I know this is hard,but you deserve better, commit to giving yourself this gift...let it go...once you do, you will find a strength you never knew you had.

Take care of you...F.T.G...


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIP, been following your story and I'm really hopeful for you. Good for you for deciding to file. You DESERVE so much better.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 495 | Registered: Jan 2014
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you 5454, I need all the strength you can send.

Btryd, …..fighting all who rob or plunder……that’s what I feel like I am doing…fighting the bad guy….that happens to be my WH.

I think the MC was an okay guy….just kind of smug. Told me he hasn’t taking new clients for three years and was seeing me as favor to WH psych. Just seemed like he had seen it all before and kept cutting me off and saying… and what happened after that when I was not finished with what needed to be told. Very disjointed. But only 45 min to try and put a timeline on fifteen years. Asked unnecessary questions like my health situation, wanted to know any malady I may have, what I had been prescribed, did I do physical therapy, etc. Wanted to know who pays for my son’s education. Just waste of time questions.

Starz, I am so sorry if you have also been treated like this, have also felt this pain and anguish. It does feel like your “loved one” is torturing you. I know you are right…..we love them more than we love ourselves and certainly more than they love us. I am very afraid of this future….very afraid of this horrible process. I still can’t believe this is the guy I met and have loved since I was 18. I just ask “Why”?
Thank you Veronique, for the kind words.

I am going to start looking looking to find a lawyer or two or three to make appts with. Do not look forward to that, feel very exposed.

I have been thinking though, that even though life will change dramatically, probably mostly not for the better, there will be peace.
In MY home. Peace will reign.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, his psych just gives me a call. I have called him three times in the past two weeks and now he calls. I realized after the end of the call that I gave him a whole lot of information but he gave me none.

I did not ask any questions about WH status, functioning, progress, concerns. I told him this whole saga and update. Afterwards I realized that he did not give me any info or assurance of WHs current mental state or plans. Before he did. Curious.

He seemed to be interested in my seeing MC. Thought that WH should know this. I said I really dont' see any point in him knowing that. He encouraged me to see him again for myself. I feel like he may have been saying something without saying it KWIM? He did at the end say he would talk about all this with WH when next he sees him. Did not say next week, I think they are now only meeting every two weeks.

I have two enquiries in to two lawyers, waiting for them to contact me.

I just took some names off the state bar website.

Getting anxious now about this evening when he comes home. My sister said I could always go and sleep in her daughter's old room. Just hate to have to leave my home. But it is an option if anything gets ugly.

A question. What would have been a good response to him when he kept saying that the problem is I can't get over the past. I responded that I didn't know what the past was as he lied about it and that he had contact with her for the past 15 years. His response---I'm not doing that now.

Just don't want to get caught in that loop again if we converse.
I don't want flippant or derisive words, not into hostility. Just not really verbal lately, too emotional. Just wish I had a sentence I could say to that that he would not have a response of "i'm not doing that now".

Thanks.



DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would have been a good response to him when he kept saying that the problem is I can't get over the past

You mean your WH right? If so, tell him you aren't interested in hearing more of his excuses and bullying and then walk away. You don't have to be nasty when you say it. He's not in a place where any discussion will end with you feeling good about it. His head is still up his ass. And his words fluster you and make you feel confused. If he asks to talk, say no thanks.

I'm very proud of you for contacting the lawyers. I hope you are proud of yourself too.

I'm concerned with his psych getting all into your business. He's not your doctor so you don't have a confidential agreement with him. Anything you tell him will go to your WH and I don't like the feel of that.

And HE SET UP THE MC VISIT? I really don't like this. I feel like they are all setting you up. I don't know, I just don't like the whole vibe I'm getting. Premeditated agenda is all I can think of.

My gut says cancel the next MC and set yourself up with IC.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 7:59 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 7:53 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 7:57 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 57
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