Thanks, GtH, I thought it was empowering for me.
Only thing, went to see new MC, a man (haven't had before). Not sure how I feel, really liked the female one has seen once before who is too far away.
He was all over the place with random questions and I could hardly keep the facts straight. Was very matter of fact, kind of made light of stuff, would put me on the spot, if I answered I don't know to something he would say ...Yes you do....(when I really didn't). He asked what do you really want and I said truth and he said no you don't what you really want is to stay married that's why you havent' seen a lawyer. I said no I want truth. If he told me truthfully, that he was with OW or wanted to be or loved her I would say good go be with her and I would feel great. Because I would know the truth and I could make a f-n decision finally, based on a truth. I mentioned fears of currently contacting OW or using coke and he said I should continue investigating that. Argggghhhhh
But he told me I should not engage WH, don't draw line in sand. That he is not going to do what I tell him so don't bother. Also when I said how WH always want to make it about how stressed he is at work he said that his father was also in that business and he knows that they are really busy at this time. Nothing about how no matter how busy he should have time for marriage also.
I made another appt with him for next week because he said I needed to talk to someone or that it would help or something. I don't know. I think one more appt and if I don't feel it.....no more.
So basically, continue to let silence reign. Continue to be worried about the behind my back stuff and try to investigate to verify.
I am going somewhere to scream some expletives.
[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 11:17 AM, March 7th (Friday)]
Why aren't you angry at him for ignoring you? He knows it hurts you. He is trying to hurt you. His choice when you are upset is to further hurt you. This is abuse.
There is no way you are in R with this dickhead. I'm sorry because I know that's what you really want, but he's not participating in R.
Why aren't you ignoring him? When you described your "blow up" and I read how he responded all I could picture was a man child with his hands over his ears screaming "lalalalalala I can't hear you lalalalala".
The MC is right. You want more than the truth. You want R. You are going to have to come to terms that your WH has no intention of reconciliation. He wants to rugsweep and he's very pissed off that you won't.
You should go see a lawyer so you can do something to ease your feelings of helplessness.
I think going back to the MC is a good idea. Give it a chance. He wants you to detach and start to take back the control you have. Somehow you have given it all away to someone who hurts you.
You can get it back. So many people have posted trying to encourage you and keep you going. What would you tell a child who is being bullied? You are being bullied. Your thoughts and feelings matter. They do not need your WH's approval to be valid and true. He's a lying bully. One step at a time. the 180....
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
The silence went on for a week. I didn't have a blow up, I approached him and he had a blowup last Friday. I approached him today to say he should do what he said and leave. These were my two communications with him since he commenced the silence. I am otherwise ignoring him also. But, there is no satisfaction there. There is limbo. This is where I feel powerless.
I would try not to worry about what the MC said about the busy season at work. I don't think it was his place to make that comment, but you can ignore it. You are right, there is no excuse for WH brushing you off no matter how busy he may be.
There may be something useful in what he says about not trying to engage though....detachment by another name. Focus on you!
If the next meeting with this MC doesn't make you feel like he 'gets' it or can support you, I hope you look around for another IC instead of giving up.
Because I would know the truth and I could make a f-n decision finally, based on a truth
How many times have we heard *actions, not words*? At this time, do the *facts* of the A really matter anymore? He is showing you who he really is. Why don't you believe your own eyes?
This is where I feel powerless.
You're not. File
Why don't you believe you are worthy of so much more?
He knows even if he told you the truth, even if it's he's sleeping with OW, you are not going to do anything different.
Until you respect yourself, he will never respect you. You have to stop waiting on him to speak and you need to move on. You want to fight, he is done fighting.
I now believe he never stopped contact. Whether there was sex or not, whether for a period of years it was phone contact, who cares. This is so deeply painful. There were years there after first DDay where I gave my heart and soul, I opened myself up and was completely vulnerable and thought I finally had a committed relationship, was finally valued and treasured. That was a lie. How insidious, How d deviant, such disrespect for my life, heart and soul.
I did not listen to MC, This morning I woke up in bed next to this nonverbal manchild. I said, get out, get out , get out.
Why are you here? You treat me like a piece of shit. Why do you want to live with someone who you feel that way about? You never were truthful. You lied. for the past fifteen years you lied. You lied to me and were fucking around with her......
He says.....I wasn't fucking around with her.....I believe still tryng to maintain he did not have sex since first dday....however he defines sex who knows.
Insidious lies. I said I know you were with her or in contact with her I HAVE THE PHONE from 2009 that shows 750 previous hours.
He just yells the problem is you can't move on from the past....that was the past.
I say....a past you don't even respect me enough to tell the truth about. A past that she knows all about ....my life that she knows all about and not me. Get out get out get out.
I am filing. Have commitments til later this afternoon. Then I pick a lawyer, make an appt and let the chips fall where they may.
I am woman, hear me roar.
That aged me.
Actually somehow the theme from Underdog keeps running in my head.
I am getting dressed to leave. He is vacuuming. Ignoring me.
No one dead yet.
Ciao bellas.....and whatever the masculine version of that is!
I am woman, hear me roar.
Loud and Proud.
I am sorry that it had to come to this, but Oh boy am I glad you dusted off the bitch boots to kick him in the Ass!
I feel powerless to change the situation because I have a H who won't engage.
You don't need him to engage with you in order to change the situation.
You'd only need him to engage with you if you were working towards R. I think that's what's hanging you up. The hope that he wants it, if it's still possible.
He is telling with his actions and treatment of you that R isn't possible but it seems like you don't want to hear/see that. We know it's a painful realization.
He isn't sending mixed signals. He is using every method he can to manipulate you. He knows you'll interpret them as mixed signals and not hold him to anything.
I think the MC is trying to upset you enough to make you stand up for yourself. He is minimizing your WH's bullshit so you will say "hey this isn't right-what about me" then he can help you go on from there.
Either that or the MC is an asshole. Go again to see how you feel.
I'm really proud of you that you are seeing a lawyer. File for exclusive use of the home and then he will have to leave. That's the power you have and you don't need his help to do that.
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder....
You are strong and you deserve to be treated with love.
I mostly post in S/D thread...lurk here...I felt a need to respond to your post because it touched something inside of me...my STBXWHRL treated me in many of the same ways after each D-day and I felt so much of what you have expressed, I have been to humiliated to post those feelings...looking back it is hard for me to understand why I gave him so much power because that is what you are doing, the only answer, I loved him more than I loved myself...
I did not (and still struggle with) believing that the man I spent almost 20 years of my life with could be so selfish, manipulative and just down & dirty emotionally abusive...but it's true, he is...
You aren't going to get the truth you need on your terms, if you ever get the truth in it's entirety at all...the reality is you know the truth. I know this is hard,but you deserve better, commit to giving yourself this gift...let it go...once you do, you will find a strength you never knew you had.
Take care of you...F.T.G...
Btryd, …..fighting all who rob or plunder……that’s what I feel like I am doing…fighting the bad guy….that happens to be my WH.
I think the MC was an okay guy….just kind of smug. Told me he hasn’t taking new clients for three years and was seeing me as favor to WH psych. Just seemed like he had seen it all before and kept cutting me off and saying… and what happened after that when I was not finished with what needed to be told. Very disjointed. But only 45 min to try and put a timeline on fifteen years. Asked unnecessary questions like my health situation, wanted to know any malady I may have, what I had been prescribed, did I do physical therapy, etc. Wanted to know who pays for my son’s education. Just waste of time questions.
Starz, I am so sorry if you have also been treated like this, have also felt this pain and anguish. It does feel like your “loved one” is torturing you. I know you are right…..we love them more than we love ourselves and certainly more than they love us. I am very afraid of this future….very afraid of this horrible process. I still can’t believe this is the guy I met and have loved since I was 18. I just ask “Why”?
Thank you Veronique, for the kind words.
I am going to start looking looking to find a lawyer or two or three to make appts with. Do not look forward to that, feel very exposed.
I have been thinking though, that even though life will change dramatically, probably mostly not for the better, there will be peace.
In MY home. Peace will reign.
I did not ask any questions about WH status, functioning, progress, concerns. I told him this whole saga and update. Afterwards I realized that he did not give me any info or assurance of WHs current mental state or plans. Before he did. Curious.
He seemed to be interested in my seeing MC. Thought that WH should know this. I said I really dont' see any point in him knowing that. He encouraged me to see him again for myself. I feel like he may have been saying something without saying it KWIM? He did at the end say he would talk about all this with WH when next he sees him. Did not say next week, I think they are now only meeting every two weeks.
I have two enquiries in to two lawyers, waiting for them to contact me.
I just took some names off the state bar website.
Getting anxious now about this evening when he comes home. My sister said I could always go and sleep in her daughter's old room. Just hate to have to leave my home. But it is an option if anything gets ugly.
A question. What would have been a good response to him when he kept saying that the problem is I can't get over the past. I responded that I didn't know what the past was as he lied about it and that he had contact with her for the past 15 years. His response---I'm not doing that now.
Just don't want to get caught in that loop again if we converse.
I don't want flippant or derisive words, not into hostility. Just not really verbal lately, too emotional. Just wish I had a sentence I could say to that that he would not have a response of "i'm not doing that now".
What would have been a good response to him when he kept saying that the problem is I can't get over the past
I'm very proud of you for contacting the lawyers. I hope you are proud of yourself too.
I'm concerned with his psych getting all into your business. He's not your doctor so you don't have a confidential agreement with him. Anything you tell him will go to your WH and I don't like the feel of that.
And HE SET UP THE MC VISIT? I really don't like this. I feel like they are all setting you up. I don't know, I just don't like the whole vibe I'm getting. Premeditated agenda is all I can think of.
My gut says cancel the next MC and set yourself up with IC.
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