For instance, his OW was a coworker who no longer works there BUT he has had many inappropriate relationships with current single, female coworkers, which he says he will discontinue now. Just to be sure, I would prefer him looking for a new job. I think I can trust him to not engage in those inappropriate conversations and outings, but I no longer trust my fellow females will damn that he's married and will go after him with full force. Now that a lot is coming out, I'm learning that too many single female coworkers were attracted to him, hung around his office, laughed at his jokes, etc. Those didn't lead to anything sexual and my H has told me it was wrong of him to be that sociable and friendly, but the fact of the matter is they still pursued him in a very inappropriate way when they knew he was married. One even asked him if he wanted to help her move into a new apartment--who the hell does that?
Not to say his future new job won't have tempting females there, but I associate such terrible things with that job, that office, those coworkers. But I'm afraid that's asking too much of him.
I also think he should cut down or stop drinking altogether. He's not an alcoholic but every inappropriate instance, including the A, has involved heavy drinking. I am not a drinker at all and I know that sounds morally judgmental of me to say he should stop drinking because I don't drink, but I truly believe that drinking contributed to his and her uninhibited tendencies.
My last "demand" is that he have absolutely nothing to do with any single female "friend" other than those I know of or have met (ie, friends of the marriage). He says he's fine with this and will not talk to any of them, but without some kind of letter or email, I can't know for sure. Is it too much to ask him to write a NC message to female friends? Or is not talking to them ever again enough?
I know I'm being hyper vigilant right now but I feel so helpless against, well, against every single woman walking the face of the earth.
Also... No Porn. None. One video, one clip, one magazine, or picture... and his ass can get to steppin', too.
IMO, the job...she is gone, and like you said women are everywhere. He needs to learn and adopt different boundaries or you won't feel safe, no metter where he works.
If his boundaries are loosened when drinking I would have no problem with a no drinking policy unless he is with you. If he doesn't have a problem with alcoholit should not be an issue.
My last "demand" is that he have absolutely nothing to do with any single female "friend" other than those I know of or have met (ie, friends of the marriage).
Is a no brainer, no friends except FOM and definitely no female friends without you involved in the relationship.
Does he go out and do "guys nights"? Those also ended after my husband's A...and six plus years later he still doesn't have them.
WE have no "outside" friends anymore and all friends are FOM. We go out socially together and rarely do one of us go out alone.
It isn't a punishment and is just the way we interact. Our marriage comes first and we need to behave as though it does.
You need to feel safe right now, so IMO there isn't much you could ask for that I would think was unreasonable. He shattered your trust. If he wants to be married to you he needs to do a lot of heavy lifting to prove it.
Set the bar high, make him reach...you are worth it.
Like Karma, I believe that we can have a productive social life, just the two of us, and he hasn't even had a guy's night out well before Dday. But it puts the onus on me to always be ready for outings and doing things, whereas naturally, I'm more of a homebody. I know that repairing the marriage includes repairing what was damaged long before the A, and that included me staying home more than going out, but it sucks that I will have to alter my life more than he will (in my mind at least). I hope it'll be worth it in the end because I do want us to be close but it's still so much work!
IMO you need to sit down with him and discuss what you need in order to feel safe. It isn't about being his mother, it's about protecting your heart. Navigating through this storm he has brought on. If he cannot understand this and want to help you through your pain he isn't ready to be a safe partner for you.
Bring it up before it "comes" up/ It removes the need for you to tell him "no", let him know what you need and see how he goes from there.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 4:13 PM, February 24th (Monday)]
New job won't help much, if at all.
Cutting down/stopping alcohol sounds like a reasonable request at the least. It might even rise to the level of deal breaker. It sounds like either he can't handle alcohol or he uses alcohol to allow himself to break boundaries, so if he's remorseful, he'll want to stop or cut down. Red flag if he balks a lot, IMO.
I'm against NC letters to female friends, because the friends are bound to ask why, so a letter will, I believe, increase contact. I'd go for just letting the friendships die a natural death. New friends and continuing old friends being FOMs is a great idea. I wouldn't want it any other way myself.
In regards to his work, I can totally relate. My ws works in a female dominated field (nursing) and there are about 10 men where he works compared to about 80 women. One of the women texted stuff to him last year saying he was hot. I absolutely despised his work place. Thought of him getting a job somewhere else, but figured I'd rather he stick with the devil I know, than the devil I don't. Kwim? Unless your ws is going to get a job where its only males, you may cause yourself more anxiety worrying about the new women there.
My H is to have NO single female friends. None. If fact, no married female friends, unless they are friends of mine, or his friends' wives
^^^Exactly what Steadfast said! Why would you want to limit his interaction with single women only? The OW in many cases here were married, a married co-worker.
I am almost nine years out. Since D-Day my WH has cut all ties with any female friends he had. He trained in karate, and had many female friends, they were never an issue UNTIL the A. Nor does he socialize on the job when women are involved. Never any personal conversations with female co-workers, whether married or single. WH has had absolutely no issue with my requests, and he "gets it." Both of us have seen too many co-workers slide down that slippery slope. If your WH projects himself as purely professional, that's how people will respond to him.
Your husband has to learn what clear boundaries are, and certainly to keep his job as professional as possible.