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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I am tired of the dreams about BW
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They have been coming a lot lately.

Some are from when she was having her A years ago. I had one of those 2 nights ago, I was so mad. Madder than I had ever been in real life. Like in her face, screaming at her, expressing anger like I cannot do in real life.

The one last night was post Dday, and just so sad.

In the past they have been pre-A like everything was fine, and happy. Waking up from those are the worst. Just world ending depressing way to wake up and realize it was a dream.

the only good thing is that I don't dream of APs. Maybe I have processed all of that and the NC is seamless between awake hours and sub conscience.

I think that last two dreams were triggered after seeing BW on Saturday. She looked sad, and I asked her what was wrong. She said she had a nightmare about me, I asked if she wanted to talk about it, and she said that in her dream we had gotten back together, and that I cheated again. Ugh. Even in her dreams I fuck up.

Well, instead of being empathetic, I told her that it was just a dream. Not sure what I should have said, but I am sure that was not it.

My IC likes to hear about my dreams, so I will bring these into her.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a bs, I can tell you that definitely was not what she needed to hear.

I have nightmares almost every night, I have for a over a year now. Yes, they are only dreams but they are based on reality. I awaken with the heart pounding, sometimes crying, it is a moment of relief to wake but then you realize, no, not just a dream, this is real, this pain is from real life.

wh lived with me for 10 months of this. He never expressed compassion or remorse, minimized my pain, my reactions, my nightmares.

I can only tell you what would have soothed me, made me feel like he cared.

Take ownership, your actions have caused these reactions in her.

I am so sorry that I caused this.
What can I do to help you?
I understand that my treatment of you is causing you to suffer, I am so sorry, it breaks my heart to know that you suffer because of me.

Those kinds of things, express an understanding of her pain. Validate, compassion and take responsibility.

Do not minimize.

I hope that I did not come across too harshly. I am only 8 weeks out from dday #2 and he is gone again. The few conversations that we have had, he still feels no empathy or compassion.

One example, I told him that I had to make a delivery for work to the place where ow#1 works and that it was very hard on me. It made me cry.

His response, "no one is hurting you now".

Those are the kinds of things that will cause more pain and ruin any hope of repair.

I wish you luck, no, it isn't luck. It is effort.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1257 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can - thank you and no, you are not being harsh.

It's good to get the feedback and coaching from others in this situation.

At this point though since we are trying to stay NC I am not sure if I should bring it up or not.

I will have to wait till tomorrow since that is when we exchange the kids. I will also speak to my IC about and get feedback on what I should do.

Other stuff has come up that I really want to apologize for to BW, but again, with NC I just don't know if I should.

Thanks again.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another one last night.

This time from the time period of when she was flirting and having OEA with random folks on Facebook. In my dream I caught her writing something to a guy online. I yelled at her and told her to leave. That we were done. Get a job, get out, etc. Again expressing anger and rage that I cannot do in real life, and never have done either.

Back at that point of our M she would be on facebook all of the time. posting flirty pictures of herself, she changed her status from married to blank, putting suggestive posts and things on her wall and other people's walls, she even commented on her APs wall at one point. At the time I told her that it bugged me that she was doing that, and she eventually stopped. She told me she was desperate for attention, and that I was not giving it to her. I didn't listen at the time. I thought I was doing just fine (ha).

In IC yesterday I came to the conclusion that I have been depressed for a pretty long time. 10 + years??? maybe longer, maybe my entire life.

I read on other thread today that being depressed is not a choice, but how you handle it is. That hit me, because I have always felt that being depressed was a choice. That you can decide to 'not be' depressed.

My BW was also depressed for a ling time. And I resented it. I thought, at the time, that she was just being that way. I did not look at it as a medical condition that needed treatment. I dealt with my own depression in all manners of unhealthy coping skills. Porous boundaries, flirting with other women, EA, PA, shopping, eating, the list goes on.

So I got to speak to BW yesterday, and apologize for being thoughtless on saturday when she told me she had a nightmare. I told her that at the time she told me, I felt guilty, sad, afraid, so it clouded my thoughts and instead of saying what I wanted to say, which was I am sorry that my actions are still causing you pain, I minimized it.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
UneasyFeelings
♂ Member
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW told me she had a dream about me. She said I started a fight with someone and all of a sudden, we started kung-fuing each other. Then she starts laughing, lol ugh. She did tell me I won.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jan 2014
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BC, have you written out your feelings about all these things? Because you have said a couple times on this thread that you can't express them to your wife, but I think you need to express it and get it out somehow. There is resentment brewing that needs to be purged. I suspect that's why it's popping up in your dreams. It's good you are getting it out here.

Back at that point of our M she would be on facebook all of the time. posting flirty pictures of herself, she changed her status from married to blank, putting suggestive posts and things on her wall and other people's walls, she even commented on her APs wall at one point. At the time I told her that it bugged me that she was doing that, and she eventually stopped. She told me she was desperate for attention, and that I was not giving it to her. I didn't listen at the time. I thought I was doing just fine (ha).

Do you understand that her posting these things on FB were not because she was lonely? It sounds like you are taking the blame for not listening to her at the time as the reason for her actions. She may have been lonely and expressed it to you and you didn't listen, but that was not why she was flirting and changing her status updates. There was more going on there than loneliness or even depression.

I've mentioned before that you remind me of my husband and he is also quick to take blame for my EA because of what he did. They are 2 separate things and I have to point that out to him when he starts going down that road. Sure, I was lonely too but I did what I did because of who I was.

My BW was also depressed for a ling time. And I resented it. I thought, at the time, that she was just being that way.

ICR to that. I had a chronic illness and after a while my husband resented me for it. I think he also had depression (or was just P/A and C/A) but it came out, as I have read is common for guys, as anger and resentment at everything and everyone and blaming (outward) the world for his problems. Unhealthy coping skills.

Good luck with everything.

[This message edited by DixieD at 12:25 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad choice,

I can feel the pain in your post. The hollow, gut punch feeling of waking from the dream of things being ok in your M.

I'm truly sorry you're hurting. I have a great deal of respect for the work you've done on yourself and the help you've given to me and others on here.

But...I've been feeling like replying to your post for a couple of days. I think I have a 2x4 for you but I have no desire to cause pain.

I can see that you are still hoping that things will work out for your M.

I've been off of SI for a bit lately but I thought you were focusing on detaching and moving on and staying NC except for kids and finances? Am I mixed up?

If you are working off detachment and NC asking your BW about why she seemed sad was a boundary violation on your part.

If your BW is still adamant that she wants to move on and wants NC talking to you about her dreams and sadness is kind of cake eating in a way although I can see where she could struggle with the NC just like you would. I guess I mean there is more potential for cake eating in that situation rather than that she is intentionally doing it.

How are you doing? Want is you goal right now? Are you trying to detach for your health and sanity or are you still hanging in there and holding on to hope? I don't think there is a wrong answer, nor do I think you owe me or SI an answer. Just be true to yourself and the path you choose. I think part of authenticity and loving yourself is holding yourself accountable to do what is healthy for you.

The other 2x4 is...although I can feel the honesty in your posts I'm also getting the feeling that some of what you write may be written for your BW's eyes...or in the hope that your BW may read it. Processing your feelings here about the loss of your M and your wife's OEA is a good and healthy thing. I guess I just mean to caution you to check your motivations and make sure you are continuing your healing in being authentic and true to yourself.

I do hope you find healing and happiness.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dixie,

no, i have not fully written out my feelings let. I am just starting to write about the depression, and my IC has suggested that I write about that period of time too.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kbff-

there is a lot there;

Yes, we are working on NC, but we both fail sometimes.

As far as hoping if things still work out - yes, there is still some hope there, and I swing between hope and acceptance.

My current goal is to be healthy, and happy with myself. There are times of clarity, when I really let go of the outcome, and there are other times when I just feel like if I do the right thing, act the right way, show BW that I have changed, then things can be different.

I know detachment is the way to peace, and I feel like I am getting much much better at it. The days when I am without the kids, and alone are the worst. Add in that our finances are still mingled, and I see a charge at a restaurant or bar, and the depression spiral starts up again.

As far as BW reading my posts, I don't think she is any longer. There was a point a few months ago that she read one of most and it started an argument, and after that argument, I stopped posting for awhile. But I do not think she comes to the board any more. I am aware of my tendency to write things (at least in the past) for her to read, and feel that I am not doing that in this post. Since we are 'fluid' in or NC, we have already talked about this, so even if she read this, it would not be new to her.

I think if I knew she was coming here, and we were strictly NC, I would write things for her to see.

I also know that I over think my posts, and tend to obsess about them. Always comparing what I write to other posters, the number of replies, etc. That is one of my weaknesses, too worried about appearances, my image etc. I am getting much much better at letting that go. I see how my weak self esteem plays right into that. It's a huge defect that I am determined to work out.

thanks for your feedback


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Topic Posts: 9

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