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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Please calm me down - divorce papers modified
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBX L emailed my L his response to my response? I "countersued" for D, basically saying no to nearly everything he proposed. (Thanks for those who posted to calm down my hysteria after he blindsided me w/D papers in November... Here I go again ...

The only thing the POS changed was the custody issue (he had originally wanted to request the court decide in the "best interest of the children") - this from a guy who has at best had dinner w/his kids a dozen times since October (and that does not include all 4 of them) - he has NEVER had an overnight, nor has he requested one - he basically texts them or attempts to call them nearly everyday to ask "if they want to do something" - 3 of them say no 99.9% of the time. My position is to have no position. I say NOTHING. I am done parenting him - if it wasn't for my forcing them down his throat all these years he'd have ZERO relationship w/them which is what he's basically at now since I am no longer interfering (I'm also NOT saying ANYTHING negative about him)

ok sorry I'm getting wordy as usual anyhoo... the POS has agreed to me having primary residential custody and asked for "reasonable visitation w/ him giving me reasonable notice"?? And then added if the parties cannot agree then it will go to EOW, 1 evening/week, etc. (standard stuff) - He lives in a 2 bedroom house and works 7 days a week. I'm wondering where he would plan to put DD11 and what he would do w/her all weekend while he works?? Also, at what point am I going to have to force her to go w/him?? I have in the past and my IC told me to stop it a long time ago - especially because there was really no legal requirement to do so, yet, and he wasn't pushing it. He has, of course, accused me of parental alienation because they don't want much of anything to do w/him to which I simply responded (when I was still talking to him occasionally) that I've said nothing aside from reassuring them (in the beginning) that their dad still loved them, they could/can see him anytime they want, they will NOT hurt my feelings if they want to spend time w/their dad, etc. and that it's his problem to fix, not mine. And yes, he did then ask me how he could fix it and I simply responded w/an IDK. My IC told me that aside from reassuring them they are loved I need to stop trying to "rescue" his relationship w/them as it's not my problem (co-dependency issues here) POS also went w/the standard holiday visitation shit and requested 3 weeks out of the summer - 1 week in June, July, and August. Once again I'd like to know where he plans to put them in his 2 bedroom house and what he plans to do w/DD11 during this week while he's working.

Next he intends to pay me $971/month for child support for ALL 4 KIDS. Yup, he's going to base that on his net income and count NO in-kind $ - as in he gets free housing, drives a $40,000 pickup (he has free reign w/2 of them), has health insurance + secondary insurance + life insurance to which he contributes $0, boss pays all gas, cell phone, and vehicle insurance. Bottom line is he has ZERO bills. I have been paying all the bills including car payment, boat payment, and all insurance. He has now also requested the boat. I'm to just sign the title over to him (it is in my name only as I bought it - he NEVER wanted it and has actually spent very little time on it nor does he maintain it, the kids and I do. He is to pay NO spousal support/maintainance and will take half the credit card debt but not 1/2 my student loans (that were accumulated after we'd been married for at least 6 years and had 4 kids).

He wants to claim the 2 DS16's and I can claim DD11 and DS17(he will be 18 in July) until the twins are 18 and then we'll go every-other-year w/DD. These kids have not had 1 single overnight w/this POS and very little contact at all - is for fucking real?? And is he going to get away w/this?????

He also stated I can keep what's in my personal checking account and he will keep all $ in his checking and saving accounts - at a different bank - accounts I've never heard of. He has been hiding $ from me from the sale of our cattle for years... Did I just find out where?? And can he do this???

I have a meeting w/my L tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll make it till then!!


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2008
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep breath
.
.
.
.
And again,

This is his wish list. Just because he wishes it-doesn't make it so.

Has he filed any financials like income tax returns? Does your state have an online calculator to figure CS? If so use his financials to figure it out. Don't take his word for what he makes. Too many people lie and there's no consequences for lying on paperwork to family court-unfortunately!

My XH put expenses for both houses in his financials. I actually called his utility companies asking them the average monthly bill for the last year. Surprise it was actually closer to half of what he declared! It sucked having to debunk his financials but it also empowered me.

You WILL get thru this. Do your due diligence and get those ducks lined up-it cuts down on your lawyer expenses when you're organized.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe its better to think of STBXH as a dog chasing a car. There's no way he's gonna get it, and he wouldn't know what to do with it if he did. Sounds like he hasn't thought through the consequences of ANY of his requests, including revealing his hidden bank accounts.

I know. Its so hard to see their asshattery in writing on a legal document. But this is not a judgement, it is a request. From how you describe the situation, your STBXH is deluded about what he feels entitled too. Let your lawyer introduce him to reality for you.

((KJac))


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make sure you tell your L about all the financial perks he gets from his job .. those all can be given monetary value and be included in his income statement. Also mention the sale of cattle and hidden assets ...supeona them if you can.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This needs to be your mantra & attitude:

It's just words on paper. This is how divorce goes, my dear. You state this, he states that. Back & forth. Hopefully you'll be spared the joy of having his lawyer call you names & assassinate your character in the process.

You really need to force yourself not to react quite so strongly. That way you'll live to see the end of the divorce and can start a fabulous new life!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses - I will try to clarify a bit...

My L is aware of the hidden $ issues - I was able to provide him w/what is probably enough of a paper trail for subpoenas - all my L disclosed in my countersuit was that we *know* STBX has the ability to pay CS and SS... Does the POS think I'm completely stupid?? (yes, although never diagnosed - he never stayed in IC long enough - he has LOTS of NPD and sociopath personality traits)

My L also knows about all the "perks" w/his job and has assured me that in-kind income will be considered... but I'm still scared. I'm so scared. I am so tired of this guy running all over me. I have taken his shit for FAR too many years. He damn near broke me. But he didn't. I hope. Some days I just feel so defeated and like maybe I should just throw in the towel, cut my losses, and run. I feel so f*cking damaged. And tired. So very very tired. But then I look at those papers and think this is completely f*cking ridiculous. Who does he think he is?

A couple other things in the papers I'm curious about - he put in there that I have to consult w/him frequently about the kids?? I get the medical emergencies, major medical decisions, etc. but he is literally trying to legally compel me to TALK to him?? Can he seriously do this?? Also put shit like "will NOT require separate school conferences, etc." Is he trying to MAKE me stay codependent? Or continue to PARENT him?? For pete's sake he has just as much access to all school websites, teachers, doctors, dentists, etc. that I do but chooses to continue to request information from me instead. Not to mention he can ask the kids himself. Why is he doing this to me??????

He also put in there that I *get* to keep my married name but can change back to my maiden if I wish... since when is this HIS choice?!! And as soon as the judgement is made either party is free to remarry?? Is this normal to put in D papers?? I'm thinking once we're divorced who the fuck cares?? How or why would either party try to stop someone from remarrying??


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2008
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ Nature_Girl - I am pleasantly surprised that IRL I have remained completely calm as far as he knows... 99% of the time he gets nothing but *crickets* from me. I respond promptly when he asks a direct question about/concerning children or any financials that are relevant but that is it, ever. I imagine it is pissing him off royally as it always drove him completely nuts when I did not respond to his texts or answer his calls IMMEDIATELY (no matter what I may have been busy doing) - but honestly the NC is for me, me, me as it keeps me from flying off the handle and saying or disclosing anything I might regret So I vent here when I can (and I troll daily as I learn LOTS from all the wonderful advice given to others in similar situations) and to a couple of trusted friends/family members.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he cannot force you to have joint parent/teacher conferences. That's ludicrous and will not stand. Ignore it. He cannot force you to be buddy-buddy with him. Ignore it.

Here's how it is with me. I have sole physical & legal custody. I do not tell him about the kids having the sniffles. I do not tell him about the day-to-day mundane aspects of life. I do not consult him about discipline (at least, not now). The kids tell him about their lives (they don't really have a choice, he interrogates them every day on the phone). If they're sick enough to require a doctor's visit, I tell him. If they need new glasses or whatever, I tell him. I do not tell him about parent-teacher conferences until after the conferences. If he wants a P-T conf then he can schedule one for himself. If he wants a copy of the report card he can request one. I am not his secretary.

Yes, it sounds like your STBX is trying to keep you codependent. He likes you that way. He likes having a little servant. Sucks to be him!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give him the rope, honey, and he will hang himself...all you'll have to do is sit back and watch.

The financial disclosure statement and the Discovery process will be your friend throughout this. Your L can even depose the guy, if necessary. He is required by law to disclose all of his financial dealings.

I'm sure that the people in the legal system got a good chuckle over his response.....or, more likely, they just rolled their eyes and threw it on the pile with all of the other completely crazy responses.

He also put in there that I *get* to keep my married name but can change back to my maiden if I wish... since when is this HIS choice?!!

What.Ever. He has absolutely no say in this. But let him have this small victory...it's not worth getting yourself in a dither about. YOU know that you can change your name if and when you want to.....and I'm hoping that you checked the box on your D papers that gave you the *option* of reverting back to your maiden name? Checking the box doesn't obligate you to do it, but it will save you money if you later decide to make that change.

And as soon as the judgement is made either party is free to remarry??

Wrong again. Remarriage is typically governed by statute. In my state there is a mandatory "no remarriage until 6 months after divorce is final* regulation. I don't believe that you can *contract* around that law.

Stbx and I had a humongous placement dust-up last month. He was pissed and was lobbing all kinds of crazy stuff at me and then he got his L involved, so I received a memo from his L that had all kinds of crazy stuff in it. I was pissed and got pretty worked up about it. My L was all like "What.Ever. Blah.Blah.Blah." See, our custody/placement issue is a done deal. As in mediated and signed off on by the judge. I hadn't violated the agreement. So unless and until stbx and his L filed some type of formal motion with the court.....all that *drama* was a total non-issue.

I have found that the best way to deal with this D stuff is to let your L know all of the pertinent information.....and then just step out of it and let your L *do his/her job* (which is easier said than done).

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:44 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants to claim the 2 DS16's and I can claim DD11 and DS17(he will be 18 in July) until the twins are 18 and then we'll go every-other-year w/DD. These kids have not had 1 single overnight w/this POS and very little contact at all - is for fucking real?? And is he going to get away w/this?????
They write all kinds of bullshit in their response ~ let 'um. They are trying to get you to panic and feel unsure of yourself. How do I know? BTDT

As far as taxes, you will go by the IRS rule regarding residency. Whomever has the children more than 50%, claim the children. Period. End of story. You could use it as a bargaining tool. He will not be able to claim them (I mean he can but so will you and the IRS will red flag both your returns but you will have proof of residency rule) unless you, as the custodial parent, sign off on a certain form.

Fuck him and his joint parent/teacher conferences. In my stbx's response, he wanted me to keep him appraised of grades and school announcements. Fuck that. He is able to and has the legal right to get it himself.

What you are feeling right now is normal. I probably wrote something VERY similar when I first read my stbx's response. I was livid and hurt. Take deep breaths and try to take it one step at a time. We are here for you!!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also put in there that I *get* to keep my married name but can change back to my maiden if I wish... since when is this HIS choice?!!
Mine put that in there too. At first I was so pissed but then I realized what gonnabe2016 said about letting them have this stupid little victory. If THAT'S the best they got, don't worry.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as taxes, you will go by the IRS rule regarding residency. Whomever has the children more than 50%, claim the children. Period. End of story. You could use it as a bargaining tool. He will not be able to claim them (I mean he can but so will you and the IRS will red flag both your returns but you will have proof of residency rule) unless you, as the custodial parent, sign off on a certain form.

Yep. I was actually prepared to let him claim one of the children last year and was prepared to work this part out in mediation last year in March 2013. And he showed up to mediation having claimed them already. Dumbass..

From calling the IRS, the first 3 rules in deciding who can claim them, which HAVE to go in order, are 1) Who can claim them (well, both parents could legally do it), 2) WHO HAD THEM THE MAJORITY OF THE OVERNIGHTS IN THE TAX YEAR IN QUESTION (US!), and THEN 3) Which parent made more money in the tax year in question (the one who made more would be given the rights to claim them).

I went ahead and claimed both kids last year just like he did, because we split in October 2012, and he he had maybe 5 overnights the rest of the year. First, douchebag tried to say that he made more money (sorry buddy, who had more overnights comes first). Then, he tried to say we had equal overnights. Um, no

So yeah, now we both got a letter from the IRS since we both claimed them. And I *KNOW* I will win. It will be more than easy to prove with our emails that he barely had them after we separated that year. Another reason for emails only people! They haven't asked for my proof yet, they said to hang onto it and see if douchebag finally follows the rules first..

And he tried to be so sneaky with discovery as well, we've had to bypass him. He lied about his work hours, saying he was watching the kids when really he was working and the whore was watching them, and we proved it by subpoenaing his time stamps directly from his work. And we subpoenaed all his other financials from them too including paychecks, benefits, and any extras that he receives from working there (like small bonuses or company perks). These lying pieces of shit just can't be trusted, so I would bypass him and go straight to the source. We also required him to provide a copy of his credit report and tax returns. Well look at those finances you didn't disclose fucker!

They really do hang themselves, I promise. Just keep documenting. As frustrating as it is, you may start thanking him for making so many mistakes. The judge was furious with him at our last court date and gave me everything I asked for regarding temporary orders.

Simply, you don't ever trust him. You figure out how to go around him.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2333 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And is he going to get away w/this?????

Only if you let him. And you're not going to, if for no other reason then for your kids. You will continue to document and it will be ok. Even if he's granted more visitation then he has now he won't use it and you'll document that too to get CS increased. As for the rest of the financials he's going to take a bath. Divorce attorneys live for this stuff and I'm sure he'll piss himself when he hears back from your L


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My L told me just to let WH talk away and don't engage. The courts are reasonable and will not approve an unreasonable request. (If it can't be negotiated outside of court)


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days I just feel so defeated and like maybe I should just throw in the towel, cut my losses, and run. I feel so f*cking damaged. And tired. So very very tired.
He's banking on this, you know. He's hoping you'll throw in the towel. He's going to be disappointed.

Remember this, KJac - divorce is forever. You fight the important battles to the end, because you don't get a do-over five years down the line when you realize you should have done things differently.

Strength to you, hon.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, so sorry you are dealing with such a POS KJac!!

I'm so glad I am here on SI ... just saw my L today about Separation Agreement. Have to say that I knew some of what she told me because of SI. Knowledge is power!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Topic Posts: 16

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