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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Tip of the iceberg
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just putting this out there to get it off my chest. I got my first mediation session tomorrow. I met with the OMBW today. She gave me a LOT more information that she found out during her divorce proceedings and testimony from subpeonaed witnesses.

Wow, STBXW she had a lesbain encounter and openly expressed to her "new" friends a crush with that woman. She had reconnected with an old male highschool flame on FB. She had flirted with other H's of friends. She flirted with a recently divorced man, who was so disturbed by this encounter that he contacted his ex-wife about it and she advised him to stay away from STBXW because, yes, she knows STBXW is married. She flirted with so many other people, even men in my boys' cubscout pack, boyscout troop. She essesntially isolated just about every couple friend we have from herself, save one, with her disgusting behavior. I realize now that they have been slowly reaching out to me over the past several months.

Hey, I'm good. I'm ditching her ass anyway. But holy shit...I didn't know the extent of her disgusting behavior.

The good thing to come out of this is now I understand all those subtle acts of empathy and sympathy I've been getting from all those touched by her destructive behavior. It's hard to describe other than they treat you nicer than you expected. They include you more, while excluding the "repulsive" one. I've kept my mouth shut, stayed consistent as a father to my two wonderful boys, and never once tried involving other people into my marraige problems, my drama. It is now making sense. They have all suffered through her constructed narrative she made about our marriage and about me. My actions (or lack thereof) have proven her words wrong. They were sublty telling me that they know the truth. They have my back. This was quite eye-opening, and comforting today.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you can see you already have a "village". However, bleck.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9314 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like your STBXW has very poor boundaries. My XBFF was the same way.

The truth does come out, no matter how hard they try to hide it.

Good luck with your mediation session tomorrow.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1554 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I envy you. The majority of our *couple* friends were people that we got to know due to the nature of our business.....and since their financial livelihood is intricately tied to remaining in the good graces of my stbx, guess which side of the fence they all land on? Not mine. I have seen the lurking empathy for me in some of their eyes, but not one of them has ever directly confronted him about his atrocious behavior (to my knowledge, anyway).

The good news about learning all of this new information about your stbx is that you will go into your mediation session tomorrow with more of a purpose and with more strength. *Seeing* your stbx for who she really is will give you the fortitude to hold your ground when you need to.

Good luck tomorrow.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it is now done. What was supposed to have been a 3 hour "unofficial" mediation turned into a 7 hour official mediation. We basically went back and forth only to come full circle back to what we originally agreed to prior to the mediation process. Thus, I just spent about $1400 in L and mediation fees for my STBXW to get on her soapbox and try and paint me asa bad parent. Oh, she paid her half of the mediation and L fees too. What a fvcking wste of money, but at least we didn't waste even more by making this D contested. So I guess it was worth spending.
We mediated from separate rooms after it became clear that STBXW was becoming unglued with emotion by having to stay in the same conference room with me and my L.
I basically stayed focused on custody and property, with most of the work on custody. I stayed away from responding to or delivering any personal attacks to and not discussing her affairs. It eventually came it that STBXW was worried about being replaced as a mom by the woman I am currently dating (we started dating after separation and I communicated to STBXW that I wanted a D). Never mind that I had just as much that same fear of being replaced by whomever one of the other OMs she was having relations with.
The Mediator did a good job relaying terms back and forth and keeping discussions focused on negotiating terms. My L and I could tell the mediator could smell the bullshit STBXW was trying to use leverage her position concerning custody. My L did a great job getting what I wanted.

I'm not sad tonight. I'm just glad this is finally on paper and the terms are binding, and we are all just waiting for it to be drawn up on the decree and requiring the judge's signature. WHAT A RELIEF!

I can also see the tears well up in my STBXW's eyes. She knows now I really have let go. I'm really moving on. Her cake-eating hopes have gone up in smoke. The karma bus is already rolling down her street.

I don't hate her, but I do feel sorry for her. The very thing she wanted out of all this is what I actually ended up getting. She will be the left holding the bag.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you Jduff! Enjoy the relief you feel and know that you are starting your new journey away from crazytown. The emotions still cycle for a while but over time they trend increasingly to the good side. Keep focused on you and your kids and you will be fine. Again congrats on getting through mediation and getting what you wanted!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1836 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 6

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