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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Enough is enough
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot live like this any more. It is not good for me, it's not good for BH and it's certainly not good for our children. Something has to give. I have to enforce boundaries.

Over the last few weeks, BH has been punishing me. He admits to this. I understand he needs to hurt and he needs to be angry but it is becoming intolerable.
He has always been controlling with money, with the view that his wages are 'his'. I'm a SAHM but I am not allowed access to 'his' money. This has gotten worse since Dday.
He recently bought a new car and although I am on the insurance policy, I am not allowed to drive it. We live in a remote location, public transport isn't really an option. He is giving me lifts but it's less than convenient when he's at work, I'm stuck in the house. He says I must ask my parents for money for a car but my mum is aware of what's going on and says she refuses to be controlled by him. He plans to go away this weekend to stay with his friend for a lads weekend, this will leave me in the house with the children with no way of getting out and no money.

He says he wants to separate, I haven't argued, I agreed and told him I would do whatever he needed in order to heal. But he hasn't done anything about a separation. He keeps talking about me getting social housing and how I'm not his responsibility so he won't help financially. He knows, as a SAHM with no income or savings, this is a source of anxiety for me.

He is acting like a single man, going out all the time without checking if I have plans. Not bothering to tell me until he's walking out the door.
He's throwing up red flags all over the place for a RA with his phone usage and secretive behaviour.

Drugs have been a problem in the past. He promised he wouldn't take them anymore. He built trust back up and there hasn't been an issue for years. Last night, he revealed in front of his friends (so that I wouldn't cause a scene) that the drug use had continued in secret, hidden from me. His work do random drugs tests, if caught he would lose his job and we would be homeless. It would go on his record and he would struggle to find work. He plans to use drugs this weekend.

He is angry, disconnected and aggressive during sex.

He doesn't want to discuss my A, my IC or the hard work I'm putting in.

I am happy to stay in limbo while he process and heals. But I cannot live in a home where the marriage boarders on abusive. My IC and my mum are concerned, I am too. This can't carry on.

I want to stay in the marriage. I love him and I am committed to R but we need to move forward from what's going on now, even if it's just to limbo.

I'm struggling. I feel I'm making loads of progress sorting out my own issues, I know I am becoming a more emotionally healthy person. Even the awareness that I need to enforce boundaries and am deserving of better treatment is a HUGE step for me. But I don't want to push him too hard. We are exactly two months from Dday. I'm not forcing R but am I asking too much just to be treated with respect and not feel controlled and like our marriage is becoming abusive?

I know what I did was terrible. A disgusting betrayal. But I am still a person.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS but IMHO no way should you be treated like this even if you are a WS. I too was a SAHW for years, working occasional part-time jobs when absolutely necessary. His view that his wages are his is bullshit. When I was staying home to look after the kids and do up our tumble-down houses I worked far harder than I ever did going out to work. It's a 24/7 job and if you worked out the cost of paying someone to do the work you do and gave it to him I think he'd be horrified. My H has always been the main breadwinner (try getting a good career going after 20 years at home with kids), but his money was OUR money - I 'earned' just as much as he ever did. And I'm sure it's the same for you. Your mum is quite right to refuse to be controlled by him.

As for his other behaviour...As I said, I'm a BS but crikey, there are limits, especially with children involved. You say you love him but I can't find a single line in your post that gives any indication why? He's being abusive.

[This message edited by overandone at 10:38 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 219 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have to echo overandone, Broken. As a BS, there have been many times when I've needed to retreat to a limbo state. But thankfully, I've not gotten stuck there. For me, there's always been this underlying will on my part to reconnect with my fWH. If your H is willful at all, it's in mistreating you. That is not OK.

You are being abused and there is absolutely no excuse for that.

Very curious to know what your IC thinks about your situation.

((((Broken))))


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not forcing R but am I asking too much just to be treated with respect and not feel controlled and like our marriage is becoming abusive?

You are absolutely NOT asking too much there. There is an expected reaction of pain and anger while the BS's process, but never to the point of manipulation and abuse.

I'm glad you are here and talking this out with everyone so that you can hear many voices at once say that nothing you have ever done warrants your getting treated like this.

I have no idea how the law woks in regards to spousal and child support in the UK, but I'm thinking you need to find a way to speak with a solicitor and see what your rights are. He acts like he holds all the cards, but I can't imagine that if you separate he's going to be able to dodge being financially responsible for you in some way. Is this something your mum or family can help with.

Yes, cheating is wrong and yours to own. At the moment, this is pretty much secondary to the fact that you are being held prisoner and treated badly.

Please reach out somewhere safe for help.

(((BBT)))


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16861 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the support, all of you. I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have a stomach bug at the moment so I'm not well at all. BH is just getting ready to go out for the night with friends.

My IC is very concerned. She said I need to enforce boundaries and talk to him this week, before he goes away for the weekend. I'm scared. I know he will get angry and just throw the A in my face. How can I complain when what I've done is so awful. I don't think he would ever physically hurt me but this emotional punishment is no better. Sometimes I wish he would just punch me, I think I'd find that easier to deal with.

Sometimes he is a wonderful man, he is funny and kind and an amazing father to our boys. But since finding out about the drugs last night I'm wondering if I can even trust him alone with them.

If I'm really, really honest with myself. What's going on now isn't hugely different to before my A. As much as I hate to admit it, he's always been like this. Only now, he's angry with it. And I'm beginning to wonder how much more I can take.

I need to dig deep and find a way to talk to him about it but it's so hard when I've never stood up for myself before.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 11:23 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BH I find his behavior unacceptable. I am restrained in my response because I don't want to go too far in describing it. I will say this...when the time came that I knew I needed to D I went out of my way to be fair with my xww. I did that for my step-daughter's sake. Your BH's abuse of drugs is a huge issue. See a lawyer and protect yourself and your kids. All bets are off when someone is on drugs so take precautions and be safe.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3711 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH is gone with the lads, and one of your kids spikes a 105 fever at 2 am. Or falls and gets a nasty cut on his face that's gushing blood. Or breaks an arm.

What does BH expect you to do? Call an ambulance? Walk miles to the emergency room carrying a sick or wounded child? Call Mommy for help?

He's angry at you. Fine. But if you tell him, "I know you're hurt and angry, and you should be. Anyone would be. But I'm scared that if one of the children gets very ill or hurt while you're away, I won't be able to get them the help they need." And his response is, "They're not my responsibility," then you have very little choice. You have to do what is best for them, and it may involve Mum giving you a ride to a local solicitor, to find out what your rights are. And what you can expect in a divorce.

I hope for all your sakes it doesn't go this way, but you may need to start seriously looking for a job, day care, and a new place to live. Perhaps, as shitty as this prospect is, somewhere near a bus or train line. If BH gets busted for drug use at work, you're going to need to provide for your children.

He doesn't want to discuss my A, my IC or the hard work I'm putting in.

Face the fact that your A may have been a dealbreaker for BH. That no amount of hard work will ever be enough. That no matter how wonderful and well-adjusted you become, he may no longer want you.

I'm not forcing R but am I asking too much just to be treated with respect and not feel controlled and like our marriage is becoming abusive?

Yes, it is asking too much. Because that involves changing BH. You cannot change him, you cannot make him treat you how you want to be treated. You cannot control the outcome of your M. Your A effectively ended the M. If BH doesn't want to build a new one with you, that's his choice. If you stay in a controlling, abusive situation, that's your choice. A hard one? Hell yes, and you have my deepest sympathy for the horrible situation you've found yourself in.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1093 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been talking with my mum. She lives two hours away (we relocated for BH's job) so while she's not on the door step she will support me through everything. She has said if I decide to leave then she will help me find somewhere to live near her and help financially. We can't expect BH to at this point.

Because of all the work I've been doing with my IC, the reading I've been doing etc, I feel stronger now than I ever have before. I feel sad that my marriage might be over, it is sad for our sons. But it is better for them in the long run, modelling a dysfunctional relationship is not good for them.

My IC suggested that I write BH a letter (because I would find a conversation very difficult) so I'm doing that now.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's so hard when I've never stood up for myself before.

Think about that. You've never before in your M stood up to BH, and now suddenly after your A you're defending yourself? So you cheated, and now you've done this work on yourself, and you expect BH to turn on a dime and love and accept the "new you" ?

My advice is, when you speak to BH, stick to your feelings. "I feel scared that there will be an emergency this weekend, and I won't be able to help the children." or "I am so worried about the future, because I don't know how I'm to house and feed the children, without your financial support."

As hard as it is, if he angrily yells at you, try to hear his hurt. If he throws the A in your face, you recognize that he's angry, agree that anyone would be angry if their wife cheated on them. If he calls you nasty names you say, "Ouch. Those words hurt, and even more so because I know I deserve it. I call myself those names and worse, all the time, because I'm so ashamed of what I did and how badly I hurt you. So angry at myself, that I may have destroyed our family." As hard as it is, I recommend you try ignoring his words and listen only to his pain, and drop your defenses.

OTOH he could just be hell-bent on self-destruction, and I'm afraid there's nothing you can do but watch, and protect yourself and your children.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1093 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is NOT Reconciliation.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not defensive (I realise the irony of that statement!) I know his pain, I hear it when he talks, I can see it and I feel it. I own my shit, I know what I've done to him. I take responsibility for being the cause of his pain. I cannot take responsibility for his choice in how to deal with it.

I don't expect him to forgive me, love me and go back to normal. I am not even asking for R at this point. But, while he still wants to live together (which he does), I'm asking that he not control, bully and punish me. It is not good for us and although our children are tiny, it's not a good model for them.

If we are working towards R, it cannot be done with an abusive relationship dynamic. If his ultimate goal is R, then it cannot be like this.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken said "drugs."

To me, this changes everything.

As hard as it is, if he angrily yells at you, try to hear his hurt. If he throws the A in your face, you recognize that he's angry, agree that anyone would be angry if their wife cheated on them. If he calls you nasty names you say, "Ouch. Those words hurt, and even more so because I know I deserve it. I call myself those names and worse, all the time, because I'm so ashamed of what I did and how badly I hurt you. So angry at myself, that I may have destroyed our family." As hard as it is, I recommend you try ignoring his words and listen only to his pain, and drop your defenses.

I have to disagree with this advice. If he is using, then he is unpredictable and irrational. This puts you in a much more serious situation. Dropping your defenses could actually put you in a dangerous position.

As a BS, I know how unpredictable and irrational I've been since DDay and I didn't exacerbate those emotions or behavior with drugs. Broken, please put yourself and your children in a safe environment. Drugs are unacceptable -- it doesn't matter how distraught your H is.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drug use, abusive behavior and not caring about your all being or that of your children. You need to leave...would you be able to work a stay at home job or would he react badly to knowing you have a job? If you can let me know through PM. You need your own income. Also contact a lawyer, be up front about everything and get some advice.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2697 | Registered: Oct 2012
smez
♀ Member
Member # 41882
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenButTrying,

I am sorry that it has come to this. I do think that you need to set up appropriate boundaries. Your BS behaviour is unacceptable.

I'm glad you are standing up for yourself and your children.


Me: 36
BS: 37

Married 8 years.
1 Child
DDay: March 2012


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

drugs, kids? I'm with Kyrie on this one. you need to protect yourself and the children.

what happens if the kids find them?

sending strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2686 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys, don't know what I'd do without you.

He is moving out at the end of the week. I will start making preparations to move back closer to my mum. Hopefully the separation will do us good, the space will allow us time to process and BH to get his healing underway.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh it's all so up in the air. BH was in tears last night saying he loved me and was confused. He admitted for the first time that he feels vulnerable and asked me to comfort him. That NEVER happens. Ever.

I listened when he talked, heard what he was saying and where it was coming from. I reassured, comforted, soothed, apologised. I really hope this is a turning point. I told him that what's going on right now isn't ok, I'm scared about the path we're on, the drugs etc. He thinks he's ready to hear about my 'why' and discuss what I've been doing in IC. Big talks coming up in the next few days, wish me luck!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:51 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's progress - good luck!


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We need a "standing ovation" emoticon!

[Quote]I listened when he talked, heard what he was saying and where it was coming from. I reassured, comforted, soothed, apologised. I really hope this is a turning point. I told him that what's going on right now isn't ok, I'm scared about the path we're on, the drugs etc

Keep up the good work. Expressing your feelings, your fear, and listening to his hurt and pain...that is IMO like waving a magic wand to diffuse his anger.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1093 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks

So, now I've heard him I know that he needs to separate in order to process. He loves me, he doesn't want to leave but it's what he needs. It's not a permanent separation, he wants me to wait for him. Be there when he's ready to come back.

Of course, I will be. Without question. But, I need to enforce boundaries. He cannot come back if it is going to be like it is at the moment. We will need to go to MC and he needs to start IC. I haven't told him this, that's a conversation for another time.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 21
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