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User Topic: Support for BS: when affair by fWS also breaks a law
Flourgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband was arrested. He and AP had a thing for public parks. The third and last time he was caught pants down. They were both arrested for lued and lecivious behavior as well as trespassing. He was able to plea down to just trespassing. He had lost his job the week before and we worried about the background checks after. His arrest made great gossip around town. We lost a lot of friends. He is persona non grata with my family. It's a mess and I feel it complicates things. It didn't make the national news but it rippled through my suburb quickly.


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 183 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
itstoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flourgirl,

Thank you for sharing your story. Glad your husband was able to plea down: county prosecutors/ judge did not budge here. Sorry to hear you've experienced the public aspect of A and its fallout as well ;(( no national news for us either, local was bad enough. Family part, my very protective father in particular, was extremely hard for me first couple years, but God did a miracle: he has now accepted that my H place is still in my life.
It's been hard, but I try to be patient with old friends/family & new friends... They too have the right to process this at their own pace. His A affected more people than us. But of course that truth doesn't make it any easy for me- just makes it harder. Sounds like you know exactly what I mean. :(

For me, when I see/hear similar stories in news of my H's situation, it's like I'm forced in some weird way to relive the pain? It's fading over time, but it is still present. Do you ever feel like this?


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Flourgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep when a sex scandal hits it brings it all back. My heart breaks for the family. I know what it did to mine. My father passed away 5 years before ny H became a WH. It made me miss him more. He was my protector. He also was a great judge of character I always wonder if he would of seen it coming. He wasn't a perfect man he was an alcoholic and was verbally abusive. As I became an adult we became very close. He was someone who I could tell anything. Going through all this without him is torture. The loss of friends and family the judgement makes it so much harder. I'm sorry were all going through this. I'm so glad you started this thread.


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 183 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP I personally detest trial by media. We have a justice system in place and while it has it's problems, I will not jump on some hate bandwagon.

You don't punish the family or friends. Period. It should not happen. When I hear of people being harassed or harmed due to the actions of something they are related or close to it makes me angry.

I'm going to say it, other than the law I was no different at 17 1/2 than 1 day over 18. I had a job, paid taxes, and went away to college shortly thereafter and handled myself well. Your husband abused his position but unless he was grooming this girl for many years, 2 years in prison is overkill. Actual violent criminals do less time.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although my WH s affairs didn't break the law, one of his affairs was with someone so inappropriate that his first counsellor suggested that he could be considered by some as a sexual predator. I can remember his despair, horror and denial at the suggestion. You see my WH is a minister and he had an affair with a congregant with whom he was meeting with for pastoral counselling and she has a mental illness.

On one hand there is truth in this and yet I also know she is the most manipulative lying woman I have ever met in my entire life - and that was my conclusion prior to their affair starting. I also know that if counsellors, nurses and doctors have affairs with patients/clients it means the consequences from their professional bodies include loss of registration. Ministers are disciplined by churches and the consequences vary hugely.

For me there is an additional shame because of the position of my husband and hers. Generally few people know about it (WH s affairs) so it is sort of a hidden shame. However I live with the "waiting for the axe to fall" mentality.

More recently colleague at work (her husband was a minister) heard via the gossip at work about WHs affairs and asked if the time he was unemployed was the "stand down" period required. I hadn't a clue what she was talking about and she explained that there was a process for these kind of circumstances. I went home and asked WH if he knew of one - he didn't. At the time we only went to the church elders to disclose things and they said that was all that was required. So now we are investigating things on that front 21 months out from d-day what are the requirements of the national church body.

When the shame, embarrassment and pain sweep in on me, I remind myself over and over that these choices were his and it is not my shame to bare but sadly these consequences are ours!

While our circumstances are different I can relate to some of what you are going through.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
itstoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flourgirl,

I'm so glad you started this thread.

I'm am too, and I'm glad you feel that way. I had asked moderators about a thread in I can Relate forum, but they said to test waters here in general and see the response/traffic it gets. Discouraged a bit because they thought it might be too small of a target group... I reach out to find someone to relate and faced with reality there aren't many. :(( I knew that already, but was hoping at this site there would be more... that's really good thing, but not for us personally who deal with such things.

(((Flour girl))) Sorry to hear about your father. I have my share of conflicts with my dad, but he has really been there for me and kids (and now my H) thru all this. I stand amazed. It's also been hard for me to see him hurt for me- my dad is a tough guy. Thank you for sharing and posting here. :)

Stillstings,

I'm going to say it, other than the law I was no different at 17 1/2 than 1 day over 18. I had a job, paid taxes, and went away to college shortly thereafter and handled myself well. Your husband abused his position but unless he was grooming this girl for many years, 2 years in prison is overkill. Actual violent criminals do less time.

THANK YOU- means a lot! :) and no, he did not groom her at all. She initiated things without a doubt, but that's beside the point - all responsibility falls on my husband. But in light of that, that sentence -plus other things he (we) have to deal with- is hard for me to live with on daily basis.

Avicarswife,
Thank you for posting and sharing your story! I'm sorry you have to experience any of what you told.

When the shame, embarrassment and pain sweep in on me, I remind myself over and over that these choices were his and it is not my shame to bare but sadly these consequences are ours!

While our circumstances are different I can relate to some of what you are going through.

I agree with you on all of ^^^! It's a constant battle in my mind to deal with shame etc...

I can relate to you as well- more than probably you realize. My heart has always been the ministry... We were both very much involved at our church and further service has always been a topic of discussion for us. In fact, the teaching job was something he went into to give him/us opportunity to serve in various ministries in months off. But now that's not to be. I'm more crushed by that honestly. His A has affected so much of what it truly important to me. :(

I also just became a nurse (had to go back to college after DD for my family/ financial). And, yes, I could lose my license if I had any relationship with a patient: legally speaking, no patient has the capability to provide consent in that regards. Regardless of age or mental condition. I have a professional responsibility to my patients, my community.

I do hope things won't get stirred back up for you and your H. For your sake and for your M, I hope God doesn't deem it necessary to do that. But if it does happen, His grace is sufficient. Thanks again for caring enough to post and share :)

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 9:14 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that a lot of the problem with an A breaks the law is that the shame tends to extend to the family.

Anyone feel like their WS got off too easily? I actually feel like he's being punished (or threatened to be punished) for the wrong thing. Only a small portion of his cheating was illegal, and that was just an attempt. What I'd really like to do is press charges for adultery against my fBFF and STBXH.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being vindictive feeling this way.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted not to hash out legal details of my H's crime or defend him or even myself. I only posted what I have as an effort to explain where we are already at and dealing with. I posted because I am a BS struggling thru R in my marriage in spite of my circumstance.

Itstoomuch, I apologize. I realize my questions were definitely veering into a different area. Of course you're struggling, as we all are. I did not mean to cross any boundaries.

I am also sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with StillStings. At 17, I was 18, minus a few days here or there. I don't know if you'll find this supportive, but I hope you do. I don't view what your H did as some kind of child predatory behavior. 17 year old women are women. 200 years ago, this same girl would have been pregnant with her second or even third child. 18 is the legal number, not the biological number. Yes, any A is so wrong, and so painful, but to also deal with people viewing your H as some kind of predator is just, well, I'm sorry for you and yours. It's not fair, imo.

(((((itstoomuch)))))


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1853 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But in light of that, that sentence -plus other things he (we) have to deal with- is hard for me to live with on daily basis.

Of course it has to be hard. Many people hear sex crime and assume the worst. Unfortunately the way how our system is set up, men and women who actively seek out victims and brutalize them are in the same category as a guy who was caught peeing outside. Or the 20 year old with the 17 year old girlfriend. It's a sensitive issue for all parties involved and like to keep that in mind.

I'm sorry you had to suffer and it sounds like you've accepted what has been thrown your way. Gossip is vicious and I do my best to stay out of that high school type dreck.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
itstoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast, thank you. I appreciate your response and encouraging words. I needed that hug :)

Stillstings, thanks for understanding.

Gemini71,

Anyone feel like their WS got off too easily?

Not me lol, but I can completely understand why you would feel that way. In my case, I feel like God honored my marriage by allowing my husband to get caught and punished so severely. God stopped it before it could go any further, but not before it went just enough to land him in trouble he is now. I've seen so many men just leave their families for OW, so tragic. They cheat and waltz off into the sunset...seemingly a happy ending for those WS. Hard for me to see them... Like they had no consequences for their selfish actions. Not fair.


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband did not get arrested, but he could have. He was however fired for sexual harassment.

All of his AP's were employees. He was the manager.

Then there was a 19 year old intended AP and he was 35 at the time. He flirted. "Innocently" touched her too much on her back, knee, hugged her once. He then told her he wanted to kiss her, she said no. She called HR and turned him in.

He was fired. It was even on video. She could have gone to the police.

That was my dday2 and 3 more APs came out for 4 total. Nuclear bomb on my lap.

He was unemployed for 4 months. We had to go on food stamps. He took a much much lower paying job. Our way of life has completely changed.

We are 20 months out. It's still a struggle.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
itstoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kelany,

Thank you for sharing your story. Though your H didn't get arrested, it sure sounds like you are dealing with many similar aspects of additional consequences of A. I'm sorry. It's tough to be humbled along side our husbands with loss of jobs and getting government assistance etc. when the whole reason we are dealing with it is because they were unfaithful to us. Sometimes I want to lay it all out there for the store clerk to hear so they will stop judging me. :) but I haven't yet so that's good :)

Our way of life has completely changed
.

Yes, ours has too. I understand how heavy that statement really is. So sorry it is your reality too.


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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