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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need a reality check (and probably a 2x4) WS welcome
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does this seem odd to you?

WS and I just celebrated our 15th anniversary. It was a low key celebration because it has been less than a year and I am not in any way ready to celebrate this marriage. There is too much that still needs to be worked through.

On the other hand, OW's 15th anniversary is in Oct (I know this because I was her MOH). I've heard through the grapevine that she is planning a big anniversary bash and romantic vow renewal at a local vineyard.

DDay was last May. She was basically dumped by WH. She spend the next several weeks trying to contact him to convince him to leave me. Several times she had friends contact him to beg him to call her. (we haven't heard anything since Oct. Thank god). So I guess my question is, could they possibly have reconciled by now enough to want to commit to a vow renewal and celebration this fall. Do some people come back together so easily?

Reconciliation for us has been hard and painful and I expect that it will take years to really feel that marital connection again. I can't even imagine planning a big party for my anniversary.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dday was in May for us too. Our 10 year anniversary will be in June. I had hoped to be far enough along in R for a quiet, low-key vow renewal but I'm not.

Unless they are rug sweeping I really don't know how they could be far enough along to be ready for a big celebration. But who knows, everyone heals at their own pace.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 829 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't sound possible to me after the devastation of an affair, but who really knows what work they have actually done, or likely NOT done to this point. It may be just a show. But gently….you and your husband sound like you are on the right track, taking things one step at a time; it takes a lot of energy to work through things. Please save all of your very precious energy devoting it on just the two of you. She does not matter anymore. You are what is important. ((HUGS))


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 416 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2x4's here. Sounds like she feeds off drama wherever she can create it. If she can't get attention from other men, she'll squeeze it out of her H and the community.

She has to put out the illusion of control over the situation or she's going to have to stop for a second and consider if her behavior might not be appropriate.

I think people can come back together that "easily" if their desire to pretend and put up appearances is greater than their desire to live in reality. My heart goes out to her husband... I can't imagine how this must feel to him.

You're on the right path, roses303. You do this in your own time. Hopefully some day you will feel a genuine desire to celebrate your anniversaries again. It's totally possible, it just takes time. (For the realistic.)


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16424 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roses,

Does her BH even know about the affair? It's hard to tell from your back story and post.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3753 | Registered: Dec 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who cares what she does. ... concentrate on you and your M.

Keep walking. ... nothing to see here.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3774 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Roses303))

Ah - double betrayal sucks. Knowing the other couple sucks, and hearing about them in any way, sucks. I am very eloquent today, ha!

Look, the AP sounds like a drama llama, and there is really no way to reflect on her and wherever she is in this journey and feel positive about it. If she is morose and alone, that could be concerning. If she is joyous and reconciling, that would be irritating at this point as well, unless you are Mother Teresa. Nothing good can come from thinking about her very much at all.

We go through this as well -- hear little tidbits about the other couple that makes it sound like life is just hunky dory and back to normal. (They are co-hosting an event with some friends of ours and it is all over facebook, etc. None of these other friends and guests know.) Certainly this can't be the case, but for some reason it rankles both of us -- likely because we are working hard, and there is a lot of pain. Good stuff, but pain as well.

As far as the vow renewal, we have our 20th anniversary a year from this October. So, that will be almost 2.5 years out for us. I think that might be good timing for us -- and at this point I feel very positive about us in general. It is the day to day stuff that is getting me right now. I have heard of people doing vow renewals much earlier than that after infidelity, though.

Anyway, keep the faith - and karmahappens is right -- keep on walkin'.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as I know her BS knows but I can't be certain. I sent him a letter and evidence to his work address.

It's all just so weird to me but Probnly shouldn't be. She isn't the most introspective person. I know she's got an addictive personality and will jump from one addiction to another (not drugs but people, ideas, diets, etc). Everything is the prime focus of her passion until it is not.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Topic Posts: 8

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