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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Want to call him
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We spoke Thursday- brief and all business as I picked up my last belongings. Then no contact until a text Sunday morning. I responded, a frustrating exchange occurred but it also reinforced my decision.

We had a brief call yesterday morning dealing with something a family member posted on FB about the state if our marriage.

No silence. He told his family. Spoke to his mother and brother briefly last night. They are mad, and sad. His mother was crying asking if there's any way we can fix(I said no).

So now I so badly want to reach out to him. I know it is bad because:
1. I am moving forward, that is looking backwards
2. He likely will say something to anger me, or ignore me
3. He may look for sympathy (his mom feels so bad for him-puke)
4. He is probably banging one of his disgusting trolls any way.

I need to do something to remind myself of how he's treated me and why I am leaving. I haven't really missed him yet until now. Of course, I miss what I thought, not what was.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Leia
♀ Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having one of those moments, too. My IC had me make a list of all the things that the OW is really getting. I snuck up here to get courage from the SI community as well, and read the list I made. I'm now onto the third page.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanting to call is understandable. But, you know who he really is--any 'comfort' would be false and cheap.

I agree with Leia that a list of his actions helps keep you grounded in the reality of his behavior instead of the fantasy of what you wish could be.

Stay strong. You'll get there. Do something nice for yourself as a distraction if you can.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think now that I have crossed all my to-dos off, it just sunk in all the moments I'll never have with him. I know they were shrouded in lies any way, but I don't think I had processed yet what it means... A new life, without him. I know it means no lies... No spying...no hurt...

But it's still hard. It just hit me I will never drive home again. Never hug him, never watch another movie. The idea of doing that now makes me feel ill. It's a hard emotion to explain.

I miss what I thought I had and what I wish I could have, but at the same time the idea of it makes me feel awful.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Leia
♀ Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're on the same wavelength, roarlouder. I know what you mean and feel the same way. I really miss what I thought I had. You're not alone. From what I've read on other threads, this seems to be a "normal" thing that we all go through. Kiddos are hungry, so I'm going to replicate some bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits for dinner because it pisses STBXWH off. Due to my legal limbo, I'm trying to encourage him to move on by not providing any of his favorite dishes. Petty, but a silver lining to my clouds. Hang in there.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mourning and grieving is a legitimate, necessary stage. Let the feelings come. Acknowledge you're sad. Acknowledge you miss him. The pain will come in waves but I like the idea that 'the cure for the pain, is the pain'. It's part of letting go and honoring your investment.

[This message edited by norabird at 4:36 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made a similar list. It's three pages long, and it's not even halfway through our M. I don't list what she is getting, but what I put up with...works for me better.
My list is what I call "Red Flags and Deal breakers that I should have left for"
When I would start to miss the good times, I would pull that list out...matter of fact may even start a thread and post that unfinished list one day.
Now, I pull that list out and annotate why I did stay...in all my glorious co-dependency state! Now, I'm working on me and trying to fix me.
I still grieve for the death of my M, but it is just that MY M. He wasn't in it. It wasn't genuine. He was a great guy, so long as everything was going his way and he was getting his way....any other time he was a selfish boob.
Make that list, and look at it daily. Then, look at it everytime you start missing him. Have a few good cries first, but then diligently pull out that list!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A list sounds great. Up until now I went back over my evidence- it was a good reminder.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's completely understandable, roar, and a supremely bad idea, but you already know that.

This is part of the grieving process, honey. You have to grieve it all - the past, the future, the everyday routines, the inside jokes, the shared history... all of it.

It will take a while, but it will get better. I promise. ((((roar))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25774 | Registered: Aug 2011
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've made a habit of copy/pasting my status updates from SI into the Journal under my profile. When I'm starting to feel weak, I re-read my entries and I'm appalled that I even considered for a moment R with STBXH.

Don't worry about his mom. He's her baby, and she will always want to see the best in him. Even Hitler's mom loved him. That's doesn't mean you have to be Eva Braun and destroy yourself to be with him.

Try to enforce your boundaries with WH and his family. It is no longer your problem what family members post on FB. You can always 'unfollow' 'unfriend' or 'block' people who upset you.

If his mom and brother want to continue a relationship with you as friends, fine. But their problems with WH are not your concern, just as your problems with WH are not theirs.

The first days of separation are hard enough without adding InLaws to the mix. Maybe it would be best to tell them that you need time to heal before they make any further contact with you.

Good luck.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to be sad. I want to be mad. I am so tired of sad.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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