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Newest Member: Faith1 (44735)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The other shoe dropped.
Feeldisposable
♀ New Member
Member # 42174
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post and I am wrecked so I apologize for any rambling or bad formatting. I discovered a hooker's number on his phone log on labour day weekend. He denied seeing her but I pushed and he finally came clean. He swore up and down that it was a one time mistake and that it had never happened before or since. We have been living separately since then. But we keep talking reconciliation. He moved away for work. Far. But we remained talking and working things out. I have been pushing to see the last year of his phone records to search for any other late night professional numbers. Yesterday he texted me that the reason he has been hiding his phone records is that he has been having an affair since May 2013. He swears he's not with her now and will do anything to reconcile with me. He is offering open access to his phone, computer, everything. Here's the kicker.....he is living in her city and still talking to and seeing her. But of course they're just friends.

I feel I'm losing my mind. I cannot function. I can't sleep. I alternate between not eating for days and binge eating junk food. He will cut all contact with her he says if we get back together. Shouldn't it be before if he wants reconciliation? I think he moved out there to be with her and she rejected him. I don't think I will ever know the truth. He gave me details of the affair and the sex acts but will not allow me to even know her name or why they are supposedly no longer in a relationship.

I question why I am even still talking to him? What is wrong with me that this treatment is ok?


Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you married? Have children? How long have you been together? Either way, this is not ok and it is not remorseful.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1458 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry, and this is terrible treatment that did nothing to deserve.

Yes he should cut off all contact with her before you ever give him a chance at R. Don't decide anything while you are so vulnerable. Take care of yourself, post here often and people will have great advice for you. I am still a newbie and on a roller coaster ride of feelings myself.

(((Hug)))


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you found this forum though - you will get a lot of support and advice here.

Most of us were/are shocked by just how much damage infidelity does - how much pain it causes. Only someone who has been through it can understand - we understand.

You don't say if you have children and how they are holding up.

You are still early in this process - it takes a long time to discover the truth, to figure out what you need and what you want. You are extremely emotionally fragile right now - way to vulnerable to make decisions about reconciling. You need a few months - 6 or more actually - of peace before you can really know if you have a hop of loving or trusting him again. Your are still in the roller-coaster, with your instincts pulling you to him in the vain hope of regaining the joy you once had.

You know the answers to your own questions - before you can even think of R, he needs to completely cut all contact, come back to your city and live a completely open and transparent life. Trust needs to be earned - and it comes neither cheap nor fast after betrayal.

In the meantime, you need to heal - you need to focus on you before you can focus on the relationship. If he can't give you that time - cut the cord.

It will get better, I'm so sorry for your pain.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2468 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
MoonLitSmile
♀ Member
Member # 24746
Cool  Posted: 9:02 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Feel disposable)))

I am so sorry you're going thru all of this crap. It's a horrible thing to deal with. Absolutely he needs to cut things off with her- completely. There is no god reason that he needs to be in contact with her. None. He should also be completely transparent and answer ALL of your questions, including any questions about her.


Me- 40
FWH- 40 recovering SA

Her- 43, a self-centered bitch concerned with no one but herself

DDay- July 13, 2013

Back off man- I'm a scientist!
~ Dr. Peter Venkman


Posts: 720 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Southeastern PA
MomtoRoses
♀ Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. So sorry.

I agree w/ other posters that he must end the affiar---whether there is a future for the two of you or not.
Also, I learned from talking to others that there is probably more to this story, too, so hang in there.

Also, I recommend getting std tested immediately and have him get tested too.


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2014
lilmonkey
♀ New Member
Member # 41682
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This treatment is not ok. He should end the A regardless if he thinks you're going to give him a shot or not. If he was truly remorseful and wanted to fix this, he wouldn't be living in her city and keeping in contact with her. The excuse "I'm only willing to end it if you'll move on" is not enough, and is actually really offensive.

Cheaters lie and betray. He lied to you the first time and said "it had never happened before or since." Now you find out he actually had been having an affair? I know you aren't right now but many BS's fall into the pattern of rugsweeping their SO's lies because they just want to R and believe that their SO is truthful.

Please, please, do not rugsweep - especially how he is currently treating the situation. If he lied once, then there is a possibility he hasn't revealed everything. Give yourself some time to process this - find out everything you can, and when you do, take time to yourself to decide if you still want to be with him (that is, if he has ended the A and grown up). Yes, you may fall into limbo if you R. Yes, you will ride a rollercoaster no matter what, even if you choose to reconcile or separate. Thankfully, you have SI to help you throughout the way :)


Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that you find yourself here. But if you stick with us for awhile, you will learn a lot of dos and don'ts when trying to get yourself to a better mental place.

Here is, generically, the best thing to do, if you are considering reconciliation: turn off the volume and watch the TV.

What is he DOING? Without listening to any of his "I'm sorry", "I'll do anything", and "please take me back"----what has he done?

Has he freely given...not *offered*...you his phone records? Cut off all contact with the other woman? Sought counseling?

You know the answers, they are just hard to accept. And you can't make him do these things---he has to want to do them himself. Until then, the words out of his mouth are just noise. Sorry.

I am not saying that he can't change, I am just saying that as of now, he doesn't want to change. Do not be pulled back in by a bunch of words...and maybe some crocodile tears.

Stay strong.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2042 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would seriously worry that he's only crawling back to you as plan b. He also, as others mention, cannot be back with you unless you know who the affair partner is and until he ends the 'friendship'. His not doing so means he is still in the affair fog.

Don't let him back in yet, he has not earned it. You can decide to R but do not grab at straws before you can be sure there is a committed partner on the other end of this marriage.

It takes two to reconcile. Watch his actions, ignore his words, and make him work for it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't let him have any secrets with his whore. That will ruin R.

If he will not go NC and give you her name and such, you are being chosen as plan B.

You need full transparency. Phone records, CC records, bank transactions, email and social media passwords...Honesty and Transparency.

And like another poster said, watch his actions, skip the words.

And if he continues to protect his slut, just know that he is doing this at your expense.

Please don't be a doormat, you are worth so much more than that.

(((((Feeldisposable)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. Everyone here knows the pain that you're feeling and we are here to listen. The other posters have given great advice so I won't repeat it. I would just add one thing: be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to learn the facts of the A, to watch his actions (not listen to his words), and if something feels wrong in your gut, that's because it probably is. Don't accept what feels wrong to you because of fear.

Most A's follow a pattern and there are so many people on this site who have gone through what you're going through now. Their advice is usually spot on.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 460 | Registered: Jan 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He swears he's not with her now and will do anything to reconcile with me.

Then what he needs to do is drop her completely. Absolutely no contact with her at all. She's in the picture or you are, his choice.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1546 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 12

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