You cannot 'nice' him back. He's being an asshole and mistreating you and exploiting your generosity. He's mad at YOU for contacting OW? Total blameshifting.
Please read the 180 and implement it. It's in the healing library under BS FAQs.
Don't let him treat you this way, you deserve more.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
You are stronger than you think and you can survive, with or without him.
Take care and hard 180.......
[This message edited by joannie at 6:37 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]
Look I know it's hard but you must think about you and only you at the moment. Being nice and sweeping the whole situation under a rug won't work long term (if at all) I tried this twice and self hypnotised myself into believing everything was fine. It wasn't. I realised this after catching myself checking his phone and computer obsessively every time he was upstairs bathing the baby.
If you are not French and are living in France then perhaps you are in the same situation I was- my husband was the only English speaking person I knew. I felt very isolated and relied on him for my conversation and banter. I had other contacts but the language made making real friends very difficult. I felt that 90% of my personality just didn't translate and that I wasn't myself most of the time. My husband knew how important he was to my situation in France. He behaved appallingly regardless.
My WH got 5 chances (I wish I had seen the light earlier) he cyber cheated 3x and was aggressive to myself and the baby 2x. I stayed and stayed believing that I had to make the relationship work. I had to fix it. If I just accepted the situation surely he would come good…If I cooked more, if we had more sex, if I was more gentle and supportive, if I complained less blah blah blah. In the end he asked me to leave "I just want you to go and I never want to see you again" I had me and the baby's flights booked in minutes flat.
And with that my eyes opened to the utterly toxic situation I had been surviving in. I woke up and saw through all of the crazy blame shifting nonsense I had been trying to rationalise.
You need to wake up too. Is there somewhere you could go for a few days? A Friends house? A hotel? Take a moment to see what is happening with complete clarity. Do what is best for you.
Take a moment to write down all of the facts - what happened when and look at the situation you are in from a purely factual point of view.
I see that you still love him. That you still hope against hope everything will be fine, but what do the facts show you?
You get one life. It's way too precious to waste on someone who really doesn't care. You are stronger than you know.
Do the 180 it works. But part of me feels you would be better off getting out of this very toxic environment.
thinking of you
In his bad mood he says that nothing has changed and I am going to act like mrs lovley for 2 weeks to see if it helps
No No No NO No!!!!
The thing that needs to change is HIM!!! Not you!! He didn't need to called the OW. He used your call as an excuse to get away with calling her. 3 times? What?
Your friend is upset because you are allowing yourself to be mistreated by your WH. She cares for you and your pain hurts her as well.
Stop treating him like he is the man you married. Stop acting like you are lucky he is around. He is the lucky one. Lucky you haven't kicked him out yet!
Let go of the fact that you called OW. It was a mistake. Just don't do it again but no need to harp on yourself for it. And he certainly doesn't get to chastise you like a child for doing it. He needs to go kick dirt.
Ok it's great you are going to start the 180. One step at a time. Every little bit will help you get stronger.
Repeat this to yourself.
You do not need him to feel good about yourself.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.