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User Topic: Why is it so hard...
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To believe that there could actually be a good man out there....I believe I have met one....and he tells me that I am who he has been waiting for...He is nothing like any man I have ever met...Never married, no children, works hard, goes to church but also knows how to let loose and have a beer...makes me laugh...understands that we have separate lives and friends...I mean there is so much more and I am so happy with him...He has the biggest heart and has no problem showing me and everyone else how he feels about me...but due to the shit storm that I was put through I am expecting/waiting for something to go wrong....I adore him and it feels so right so I just need to get this shit thinking out of my head????

3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ Member
Member # 25771
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written your post. I finally just let it all go. I'm jumping in again. I accepted his proposal. He is a good good man. He is and will be good to me and to my children. I can see it not just in what he says but because everything he says is backed up by what he does. I finally trust it. It took a long time to trust it. But eventually I did.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: NY
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's really simple. Your divorce (even though separated prior) was not that long ago looking at your dates. You still have fresh memories of the hurt. It takes time to get through them and your brain is trying to protect your heart. It happens to all of us. Just be patient and continue on like it is. But let him know about it. That really helps especially when he understands. Remember it generally takes 2-5 years to really get past all this. We didn't go through a more normal process where many get divorced over money or lack of interest. We were hit with one of the most shocking and vial things that can strike a marriage. Being divorced just 11 months isn't enough time to forget that.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought my STBXH was a good man. He was so giving, blah blah blah.
What I see now, that I didn't see then, was that he was giving all right, but only if there was someone to give him adoration afterwards.
He needed accolades and kudos.
I see men and women more clearly now. The ones that are humbly giving and don't go out of their way to get attention for just being good and decent, THAT is how you know who is truly good.
If your guy is humble, and generous, and content in his own skin without needing the admiration and adoration of others, then you know he will be genuine. So, just sit back, watch, and enjoy yourself! Time will tell which is the true him. And if he isn't genuine, you will know soon enough, and you will be able to walk away.
And if he is genuine, then you will have given a good man a chance and yourself a second chance at love!

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


take your time. there's no rush. are you making forward progress in your ability to trust? doubting him a little less over time? watching his actions? you haven't been in a relationship with him that long.

I'm 3.5 years in to my relationship and I still have an occasional moment of worry. They are much fewer and farther in between now. Many many months apart but it happens.

Don't focus on being all the way over that part of your XWW. Focus on healing and getting better. Counseling helped me tons. I'm very good at identifying an unfounded worry v. SOs actions not matching his words.

Example: SO went out to lunch the other day. He was off and I had work to do. I checked his bank account to see how much I could transfer for bills and there was a charge at a restaurant that was clearly too large for 1 person. HUGE trigger b/c this was one of the ways I found evidence about my X. He came home. I waited and didn't confront b/c nothing else was sending up red flags. He had lunch with his BFF. He happened to have something with him that BFF had previously borrowed so I'm sure he saw his friend. I controlled the feeling and waited. I was reassured. Awkward confrontation avoided, further deepening of my trust validated.

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future. -foulton oursler

Posts: 8452 | Registered: Apr 2008
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I trust him...I have no doubt that he would intentionally hurt me...He doesn't have it in him...I don't think he even knows how to have an argument...I am taking it very slow....I work two jobs and have a son to take care of but when we do have time together it is always very enjoyable.

3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 6

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