ptsdrecon,
1.Don't bring it up. She doesn't want to talk about it. It makes her feel bad, and reminds her of a bad choice
2.I will never get enough answers. By wanting to talk about it I am bringing up the past and I need to close my mouth
3.If I have a bad dream, keep it to myself
4.I will gain nothing by a timeline
5.We have a great family, we are a great couple, move on. Never bring it up again
Statement #1:
FWW did not want to talk about it either for the first year or more after dday. Our IC/MC, who I have a great deal of faith in, told her to expect questions. He told us that I had the right to ask any question I wanted, and FWW had the right to answer or not as she wanted. That said, it was also clear that I was not going to stay and try to R with a WS who was not willing to face what she did by telling me, and I was not going to be in a M with this huge issue being held and hidden by FWW.
Statement #2:
You will never get enough answers. This is partially true. I thought if I asked enough questions and got enough answers that somehow I would begin to understand why she had her A, lied, and cheated. That answer was never there. Ultimately I did get enough answers. I do not know everything, but I know enough. I know who FWW had sex with, where they had sex, how it was arranged. I know, within an order of magnitude, how many times they had sex. I know, in general, the dynamics of their relationships, who said what to whom and why. I know who knew about the A.
Statement #3:
I do not put much stock in dreams, so no strong feelings on this.
Statement #4:
I got a 4 page timeline about 7 months after dday. It was not complete (see statement #2 above), but it had enough. Most important, there was information in the timeline I would never have thought to ask about. While it hurt deeply for a few weeks and took me back to dday, it was once of the real steps in my healing and eventually our R.
Statement #5:
Yea, as long as you ignore the lack of emotional intimacy and honesty between your WW and you right now.
As time as gone on and FWW has worked on her A-related crap, she is now the one most likely to bring up her A and talk about it. I am pretty well healed and at acceptance, but FWW is still healing. She still needs to talk things through, just as I did a couple of years ago, to process them.
There was never any just moving on for us. FWW had to identify, own, and then work to address the FOO and personality issues that facilitated her starting and then sustaining her affairs. Her misperceptions about the M and me had to be addressed before we could begin to work together as co-equals on the M. I had to get to the point of acceptance and mostly healed before I could accept her as a co-equal.
What worked for me? I had an IC to help process my emotions, to help with clarifying what I wanted a future relationship to look like. I detached from FWW, even moving out of the house for a while. I expanded my social networks. I went back to hobbies and activities I gave up when I got M. I focused on my career and re-created it into a better paying and much more rewarding career. I took steps to reduce debt and increase cash flow in case D became the option. I practiced confrontation with FWW and communicating my needs and expectations. I did all of this for 3-4 years while FWW worked on her stuff and herself. We did some MC off and on in this time, but I worked on fixing me while watching to see what FWW did.
Honesty and intimacy (and sex) have been the last things to come from FWW's IC and other work. Our M has been much better than pre-dday for years, but it is only in the last 6 months or so we have really begun an authentic relationship, and the work continues.
I've worn myself out trying to explain my needs to my W. I'm tired, just tired.
So stop. Spend the next 6 - 12 months working on the things to improve and heal you like I described above. At the end of the 6 - 12 months look at where your WW is and where she is headed with her own life and then decide if you want her to be a part of yours or not. The 180 can be your friend. I often employed a "180-Lite" when FWW got into a fuss or upset with me, with her work, whatever. The more open, honest, and desiring of time with me that she was, the more connected I would be with her. The more she withdrew or got pissy, the more I detached and focused back to my life and the kids.
If you have not, try reading Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines. Invite your WW to read them too and to discuss with you how they apply to her A and your M. If she is not willing to do such a simple thing as this, there is not much hope she can accomplish the hard work to R.
ETA: MC was not particularly successful for us until FWW had begun to work on her issues. She had(s) a problem with regulating her emotions, she believed she was happy or angry because people made her happy or angry; she was unable to open up and be emotionally intimate and honest. In the early months we spent a lot of MC time talking about issues that only existed in her head. Identifying and owning her FOO and personality things was really prerequisites for being able to work with me on the M. YMMV, but that was our reality.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:03 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]