I feel, (FEEL) like the only one working on the relationship. W doesn't read, doesn't IC, doesn't talk to me about her feelings. Intimacy sucks on every level. We can talk about the weather, the kids, and anything superficial, but we can't talk honestly and safely about us.
For this - maybe start MC together? That can really help open the lines of communication.
As far as the counselor that said to never bring it up again, and keep your nightmares to yourself, and blah blah blah - never see that woman again! She's SO not helping with that advice.
I've never, ever, ever, heard of a therapist that says the answer is to 'bottle it up'. Hell, they make their living because people shouldn't bottle it up! If this is your daughter's therapist, seriously, consider switching to a new one. This advice, imo, is so bad, so contrary to everything any of us have ever read, that she seems completely unqualified to be giving therapy to anyone about anything. Gross incompetence, from that advice anyway.
For your W - getting defensive and saying hurtful things isn't going to get either of you anywhere. Generally speaking, when we see a WS that gets angry, defensive, won't discuss it, etc. they are hiding some more truth. I can't say definitively that this is the case with your WS, but almost always the reason a WS is against discussing things and uses anger and hostility to shut the conversation down is because they are hiding something and want to discourage you from asking. Winning through intimidation, basically. It's not fair to you regardless of whether or not she's hiding anything. You are half of the marriage, and her actions greatly damaged the marriage. You have every right to get every answer you seek to make decisions based on facts.
I'm sorry you're feeling so alone in your recovery. If your wife isn't remorseful (and is sounds like she's not, at all) then perhaps start working on the 180. It will help you feel stronger and more independent, and let you focus on things that are not about the marriage or the affair. Based on what you've just written, your wife will probably think it's a punishment. It's not - it's for you. She's not willing to help you because she's bent on rugsweeping. If she won't help you, then you need to protect yourself. For that you need strength and a bit of detachment. The 180 is designed for both strength and detachment.
