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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: having a hard time understanding
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this forum and this is my first post. My original D Day was July 26th. I recieved a text from my WH intended for his AP. I had suspicious for while that something was going on. This is a woman who had recently divorced (because her husband cheated- isn't that funny?) And was hanging around our group of friends. She had been to cookouts at our home with her children, been out to see bands with us, and always came to see my husband's band play. Things weren't going well at home and i was getting "a vibe" between them that didn't feel right. After the text, he told me he had only kissed her but that they texted/talked daily while he was at work and after i would go to sleep at night. He did admit to going to her house a few times after work. He promised to end it and work on our marriage. On September 17th i found out they were still talking. He had forgotten to erase her number from his work phone. Once again promises were made, apologies were offered and he said he would end all contact. Things seemed to improve but i was still suspicious. Something about his behavior was still off. On November 15th i intercepted texts between them making plans for him to go to house that morning. There was a huge argument between us. He swore he had only recently "lost control" and contacted her. That he woud stop. With the holidays coming i just didn't know what to do so we agreed to start MC and continue to work on our marriage. The marriage counseling wasn't going well, i found out later it was because he was continuing to lie. On January 5th i again discovered they were still talking and asked him to leave. He packed, we talked to our daughter and he left. He was only gone for about an hour before he came home. This time he confessed all. That the affair had never stopped, that they had had sex, all the details he denied and lied about. He said he called her when he left. That when he was talking to her it hit him that this was real, that he didn't want to be with her and wanted his marriage.. so he ended it and came home to really try. I agreed to continue to work on our marriage if it was truly over. Since that day he has been different. Willing to talk, remorseful,,transparent in actions. I believe we are finally in R. This has been such a painful time for me. I understand from reading the resources that his affair had nothing to do with me, it was all about him. But I'm having a big problem understanding how someone who says he loves me could hurt me so badly. I'm talking about the numerous discoveries. I went into IC, had to have ativan which i had never taken before. He saw how devastated i was, how hurt, and was able to continue the affair. Idk how to accept that. Any advice would be appreciated.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2014
ziganska
♀ Member
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christy,

Please know his A had absolutely nothing to do with you. As hard as it is to her, he wasn't even thinking of you or his family; he was only thinking of himself. These people are selfish and out for instant gratification with no strings attached. There's something broken within them, usually long before you even met them, that allows them to cross that moral line into actually doing these heinous things then continuing to do damage by lying to the ones they love and who they know love them back, warts and all. Why? The answer isn't easy and sadly you won't be able to make sense out of something that just doesn't make sense in the first place.

However you should work with your H on getting to the root of why he did what he did, as he needs to get to the core reason in the first place in order to heal the marriage. This is through therapy for you, him and then both of you. Read the Healing Library here on this site and take advantage of many of the books on healing recommended here.

The important things now is that he continues to be remorseful and communicate to you and that this remains consistent. He has to help you heal but he has to also want to get himself help.

Good luck to you! And keep posting here too!


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll get there. The mechanics of an affair don't make sense to people who don't cheat. I'm sorry you are here but glad you found this place of support.

First, the reason he did this is something is wrong with him. He needs to be in weekly individual counseling and for quite some time or you will just end up back at the same place later.

Also when it seemed like he was catering to her and protecting her, it really was himself he was catering to and protecting. She could've been anyone. That she was broken made her a likely candidate. Strong women don't sleep with married men.

He didn't do this to you or because of you but you do end up with most of the pain. It's unfair and difficult but it's the truth.

My WH looked into my eyes as I was sobbing and made promises that were just lies. I agree it is so very painful.

They tell those lies to cover their own asses. He didn't tell lies to hurt you, even though they did. He told them so he could try to continue his little fantasy world. The world where he was entitled to do whatever he wanted and he had no consequences. You threatened to stop that world. That's what he was tying to protect.

eta: He had damaged his reality so much he was tying to do anything so he wouldn't have to face it.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 12:23 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1985 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really feel understanding why--understanding how someone you loved could see you hurting, and keep doing it so selfishly--is the hardest part. THAT is the betrayal, more even than the sex.

He is doing his best, which is good, but you will still need time to process what has happened. There is no good answer for why. He should get IC (individual counseling) to address his lack of boundaries and why he felt this was acceptable.

It has nothing to do with you and you don't deserve it. Yet he made choices you are now suffering from. It is so so unfair. Be kind to yourself. It WILL get better, I can promise that. For now I am so sorry you are hurting. I hope he does everything he can to make it up to you. However it will never be erased; t is part of the M now, and part of who you know he is.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, it is true, as ziganska states, that you will never understand your WH's actions. You will never understand his thinking either, mostly because he was not thinking, at least about anybody but himself. This is so confusing because you do not know this person who has done these things. He is certainly not the H that you thought you were M to, right? In time, you will come to accept this, but it is a long, hard road to get there. I spent so much time trying to figure it all out, thinking that if I could just understand it, I would feel better. I still don't understand, but I have stopped trying. I do feel better.

The truth of the matter is that, even though your WH says he loved you, he was really incapable of loving anybody during that time, particularly himself. He was too messed up. But the good news is that he seems to be on the right track and with hard work, he can learn to love again.

ETA: This is not to say that you should just believe us and that's that. I think that trying to understand is part of the process. You try and try and try--then you get that it is not possible. The only way to get there is to go through it. Hugs to you.

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 1:00 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1341 | Registered: Aug 2010
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kind and understandin. words. That is exactly how i feel. That if i couod just understand then i coud heal. Otherwise i keep asking myself why i wouod want to stay with someone who could look me in the eye while I'm crying and make promises he had no intentions of keeping (that must be common because it's what kept happening to me as well). It's like he was able to remive himself in his mind as the cause of that pain. When i ask him how he could do that he says he doesn't know. That when he looks back he doesn't understand his own actions much less be able to explain them. I think we have identified his issuesthat led him to the A and how he can make sure nothing like this happens again. I really do think we are finally in R, it's just so painful that sometimes i think it would be less painful to leave the marriage and heal/move on on my own


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2014
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kind and understandin. words. That is exactly how i feel. That if i couod just understand then i coud heal. Otherwise i keep asking myself why i wouod want to stay with someone who could look me in the eye while I'm crying and make promises he had no intentions of keeping (that must be common because it's what kept happening to me as well). It's like he was able to remive himself in his mind as the cause of that pain. When i ask him how he could do that he says he doesn't know. That when he looks back he doesn't understand his own actions much less be able to explain them. I think we have identified his issuesthat led him to the A and how he can make sure nothing like this happens again. I really do think we are finally in R, it's just so painful that sometimes i think it would be easier to leave the marriage and heal/move on on my own. But mostly I'd like to think that we can eventually move forward together and have a closer more honest marriage.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to caution you that enough time has not passed for him to identify and work through his reasons for cheating. He should be in weekly IC sessions. This takes a long while.

It's not just something he can talk with you about. 2 months of weekly IC doesn't make this all better. Any IC he was doing while still in contact with her doesn't count and that was just back on Jan 5th.


If he isn't in IC he needs to start asap. He absolutely can't do this on his own. His very best thinking is what got you in this mess to begin with.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 1:51 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1985 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn'tmean to imply that he is "all better now" only that he is making progress and being open and honest about his feelings and what is missing inside himself that led him there. And i dont count anything before January. All he was doing then was lying to me, the counselor and probably to himself.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2014
Jacobswife
♀ New Member
Member # 42534
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christy-

I totally understand! How can the man that loves me hurt me so much? I struggle with it every minute of everyday! I too, am trying to recover and for every step I take forward it feels like I take 2 steps backward! I keep reading these type of posts, so I can only assume you and I are totally normal and experiencing the same emotions as many others! I know that doesn't really help. Please know you aren't alone! I too am having a hard time understanding this mess! I am angry also!


Me:46
WH:42
Married: 13 years, Together: 15 years
Kids: daughter 12, son 9
Dday: January 10, 2014
Trying to reconcile!

Posts: 25 | Registered: Feb 2014
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@btraydWife
I have read again the replies to my message. What you said in your last paragraph and last line really speaks to me. (Sorry, i don't know how to copy and paste, lol). I just wanted you to know that explanation is particularly helpful to me and gives me much to think about.
Also knowing i am not alone (though i wish no one had to go through this) is comforting. I appreciate so many people taking the time to reach out to me.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I'm so glad to be of help. I know it's really difficult to wrap your mind around and it took me a very long time.

I still struggle with it at times. How could it not have anything to do with me? I'm his wife! I completely understand how you feel.

Hang in there. Hugs to you!


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1985 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You still haven't given him any consequences for his affair. No consequences = no change in WS behavior.

1) Both get checked for STDs
2) Ask him to move into guest room whilst you decide whether YOU want to remain in the marriage.
3) You consult a lawyer to see your options.
4) Expose OW



Posts: 200 | Registered: Oct 2013
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#1 was done right away. #3 there is no need for at this time. I have a good job and can take care of myself. #4 i did. Long story and didn't pertain to my question so i didn't go into it. But I'm confused about #2. Shouldn't everyone do what is best for their individual situation? Why would I move him out of our room when he is finally being honest with me? It seems like that would be counter productive to communication and ultimate goal of staying together. At this point it would seem like punishing just for punishments sake. I still have doubts but i also have hope and as long as he continues to have no contact and be open and honest with me then i will continue to try. I have to believe other BS that the pain gets better.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2014
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all i am not advocating punishment for the sake of punishment.

I do not post here to save marriages. I post here to hopefully provide support to individuals that have been betrayed by their loved ones and to set them on the path to regaining control of their life. After this they can then make the choice whether to R or D themselves.

This particular OW is not really the issue. The issue is your husband was repeatedly stabbing you in the back and was willing to walk away from you and your family. As a result you are worth a lot less to him than you actually think.

Kicking him out of the bedroom isn't really the point, the point is that he has to realize that he may lose you. From what you have told us you have essentially gone: "I feel like shit right now, but I'm willing to work on our marriage if you are". (My apologies if i have interpreted that incorrectly.)

As much as this hurts there is the possibility that actually having to go live with this woman wasn't that appealing. Sleeping with her was great, but living with her - hell no! But what happens 2 years from now when another woman comes along. What happens if he gives in to temptation again, but this time decides that this woman is worth living with. He dumps you and you have wasted 2 years of your life in false R.

It is his behavior that is the issue. For him the behavior with the OW was normal.

That is why consequences are so important. It reestablishes your worth and turns the situation on its head: "I am worth more than this, i deserve to be treated better and if its not with you then its with someone else." You are the prize here - not him!

As difficult as this is, you have to assume that right now he is in self-protection mode. Therefore he will do and say anything to make sure that he doesn't lose his family. But that isn't good enough. You have to establish whether he genuinely is sorry for what he did and wants to remain with you long-term.

Hopefully all of that made sense.


Posts: 200 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 15

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