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Newest Member: Shockedmom (44708)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Outing advice needed
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have also been against telling parents and relatives because it can hurt R in several ways.

I still dont like the WW words that he wasn't happy about ending the affair.


Posts: 3789 | Registered: Jun 2002
ForeverBlue
♂ New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for the input guys. I know this is a risky move. But her sitting on the fence with me and OM just waiting in the wings like a predator is not acceptable to me. Yeah I hurt like hell and wish I didn't have to deal with this mess but it is real and is just wrong.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Kansas. Forget about outting her - go file for a divorce and give her a much-needed wake-up call.

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't get extra points for being nice to her. Time and time again "nice guys" have been screwed over by being too lenient on their WS.

You now need to start thinking about yourself:

1) Lawyer up before you do anything (especially about the police)
2) File for divorce. Divorce is a long process and therefore you can stop the process if your WS has shown remorse. It also sends a message to your WS that you can move on if you want (even if inside you still feel like crap).
3) Demand STD tests.


Posts: 171 | Registered: Oct 2013
ForeverBlue
♂ New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Zep. I asked for STD tests but she hasn't done it. The lawyer up advice sounds like the best course of action. Hard to be myself when I get pushed around like this. Sucks.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can afford a PI or have other means of obtaining evidence that the cop is conducting his A on the public's dime, I would, after consulting a lawyer, consider informing his superiors and internal affairs. But lawyer up, first. Protect yourself. Sometimes the boys in blue have been known to circle their wagons and you do not want to be in the center of that.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3609 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
ForeverBlue
♂ New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks JustWow. Now I'm getting some good advice. I really didn't know what I would be setting into motion by sending the outing letters to the employers. Thanks for the sincere concern you guys are showing. What a mess.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blue,

You've gotten some really good advice. I just have a few suggestions to add:

The affair is still ongoing, I'm positive about it. She wouldn't be on the fence otherwise. You need to take action and force her to choose the marriage or D. You also need to expose to a wider audience: especially friends and family who are close to her. You say that the OM is divorced, but are you 100% sure about this? Try to find out who his ex-W is and expose to her to make sure. Don't bother wasting your time trying to reach out to OM. Whoever you decide to expose to, don't pre-warn ahead of time, just do it. Warning or threatening ahead of time just gives your WW opportunity to concoct a story about how crazy you are. Just go ahead and expose once you have good evidence. She will be mad, sure, but it may help save your marriage.

You say that WW is a clerk and OM is a cop. However it wasn't clear to me if they work together? If so then you might have grounds to contact HR and file a complaint. If they don't work together, then notifying their work HR department might put you at risk (look up tortuous interference) and you might be the target of a civil lawsuit. Lawyer up and talk to someone for some good legal advice.

You also need to get some evidence on her: hire a PI, get a couple of VARs and plant them at home/car when she talks, also consider GPS tracking her car. Can you access her phone? That would be the best way to find out who she is texting/talking to. You need more evidence


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut tells me the A is still active only underground.

^^^^GUARANTEED. I'd bet you my truck she's still involved with him. I got the same crap from my STBX. All she did was took it underground, wouldn't commit to us, was "confused", and sat on the fence. I filed for D. She can have him.

I restrained from telling people, and very few know everything. But, if I had it to do over again, I would have told the world (family, close friends, and her employer) on D-day and filed for D right then. D is not immediate, and it shows that you WILL NOT tolerate her A. There is no "niceing them back". Shock and awe is the best way to end the A. Who cares if she gets mad at you? She'll keep up her A until you or OM pushes her one way or the other. Right now, you're Plan B.

Tell her family and the OM's family too. If they're going to do it, they need to own it.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't get extra points for being nice to her. Time and time again "nice guys" have been screwed over by being too lenient on their WS.
You now need to start thinking about yourself:

1) Lawyer up before you do anything (especially about the police)
2) File for divorce. Divorce is a long process and therefore you can stop the process if your WS has shown remorse. It also sends a message to your WS that you can move on if you want (even if inside you still feel like crap).
3) Demand STD tests.

^^^This!

If you want to find out if your WW is serious about your M then file for Divorce and have her served. She is either going to turn her shit around after realizing she can't manipulate the situation anymore or she is going to go forward with it. If she moves forward with the D she was never going to recommit to the marriage in the first place. By filing is shows you are serious and saves you months or years of misery and pain. R and D are both hard but it's better to find out now if she is going to leave. There is no on the fence in an M. You are either in or you are out. Remove yourself as plan B or a safe place to land for her by filing for D. She either commits 100% and does everything you need to own her shit or she needs to leading you on. Kick the fence from under her by removing yourself as an option. It's your life, just my 2 cents. I wish you the best.

There is no negotiating after an Affair unless it's during a Divorce. The WS either gets their shit together or they don't. Being on the fence is a sign your WW is unremorseful. Read up on the 180 in the healing library and implement it.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
workindad
♂ New Member
Member # 41790
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like the affair is ongoing.

You promised to not tell her family. She vowed to forsake all others. Tell her family if you want some additional support.

Dig into om she could be lying about him being divorced maybe he is maybe not. Check from a source other than your wife.

If he was unhappy it ended. You can bet he has at least tried a few times to restart communication with her. Has she told you about shutting his attempts down?

I would lawyer up if I were you. Keep in mind if you divorce her job loss may not help you.

Her refusal to committ to the mariage and not get tested for stds is concerning. She won't because she is still with om. Get out of limbo.

Good luck.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks craig. I agreed not to out the A to family.

Blue

why would you do this for a cheater, a liar, your wayward wife.

You owe her no promises, commitments or respect.

As soon as you realize this you will know what needs to be done.

You need to kill their affair. The only way to do this is to expose it to family, friends and coworkers.

Your wife has a boyfriend blue. And she did not discuss this with you beforehand.

If she cannot honor her vows or commitments why on earth would you honor her by lying to her family about the truth.

expose them now.

You really have nothing to lose because your wife's current in-action just shows that you and the marriage are not in her priority list.

Now get going and force her off the fence. Force her to decide.

And when she goes nuts make sure you have a var on you. And when she blames you for not keeping her secret just hand her a packed suitcase with the following message:

"My wife

I prefer to honor our marriage. I prefer to end it now before I let you defile it any longer.

I can no longer live your lies.

Forever Blue"

Then have her served at work.

Maybe she will wakeup. Maybe she won't. But make sure you send a clear message to her and her OM.

They deserve that.

HM


Posts: 828 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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