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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Where did R go wrong?
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean, you need to have a lot of self-respect and composure to demand the WS come clean, go NC, do IC & MC, etc., and self-respect takes such giant hits on D-Day.

Really? I demanded NC immediately - seconds after finding out actually. He was NEVER to call or text that number again, ever. They were DONE speaking as friends. It ended NOW. I also said we were going to MC (I actually pulled back on that one later, but he had agreed), and told him within 2 days if he didn't stop lying, we were NOT going to make it.

Now, he did TT, so the lies continued to hurt us. I would dig further, uncover the truth, and more confrontations, etc. It was not good. TT is not good.

So I think it's natural - and always has been - for BSes to think they're in R on D-Day or shortly thereafter, even though their WSes have shown no remorse.

Respectfully, I don't think anyone but someone in said relationship can say if they are in R or not. Some couples do reconcile without a remorseful WS. I don't know how, but there are WSs that never come fully clean, but do change.

I think the status of a relationship is what the members of the relationship believe it to be. Your version of R, or mine, may not be theirs.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 5:55 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1853 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the people who come back are not representative of the whole. As in, only the sad and hurting ones come back to check in, the happy ones have forgotten all about SI. At least that's what my self talk says to calm me down.

I don't think anyone, ever, has forgotten the A in their relationship, or SI. I'm much farther out than my profile suggests. I was actually too angry to think there was any advice for me anywhere. I'd already read about a dozen books, watched conference lectures, looked up websites, bought online self help guru crap, etc. There was no message board that offered anything. Oh, how wrong I was!!!

So, I'm over 3 years post DDay, and nearing 4 years of the end of the EA (well, more like 3.5 years). I'm happy. My marriage is, for the most part, much better than it was before. My husband treats me so much differently, so much better. All of his resentments are gone. We've worked through the issues we had. Are we perfect? Nope, and that's ok. No one is perfect, nor is any marriage. But, we are happy. We do more as a couple than we have in a decade. We spend a part of every day reminding the other how much they mean, and how much they are loved.

So, you may ask, why am I hear. Well, for one, I've grown found of several people here, one of whom is giving me an amazing birthday gift!!


Also, I really like helping, or trying to help. I remember, vividly, how lost I was after DDay. I thought I was abnormal. I thought I was really insane for reacting the way I did. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time. I would wake up in full on Rambo mode, running downstairs to 'catch' him (doing what, I don't know). All of it was classic post DDay stuff, but I thought I was nuts. I literally cried when I started reading 'After the Affair' by Janet Springs. In it she discusses these post DDay reactions. Finally, I knew I wasn't crazy. I was normal. If I can help one person get out of that feeling, or any other feeling, then I'm happy to be here.

WSs do so much damage, both by the cheating, and then by the rewriting of the history, the ILYBINILWY talk, the false R, the fence sitting, cake eating, mean saying things. I wish I had been here, so I would have known that it was him, not me. That these were common statements, and that he was protecting himself and his ego by trying to say I was a bad person so his EA was ok. This is another area where if I can point out to just one person that this happens, and maybe help them to see that these things, while hurtful, are normal, and that they are lies that most WSs say, then I'm happy to be here.

I'm not expecting to come back in a week and change my mind. If I couldn't come here, I probably would be just fine. But as I said, I really enjoy the opportunity to help people. I know some very happy people that have R'd and they're still here. I also know some people that D'd right away, and they're still here.

We all have our reasons, but to say it's out of unhappiness, or that those that are still here are still in 'need' isn't the case. Well, let me rephrase that - To say that those that are still here need to be comforted about the A, is not true. We all need something. I enjoy conversations with those that have experienced some of the things I have. Unfortunately, I've experienced infidelity. Everyone here has as well, on one side or another. I enjoy chatting with everyone here. I like helping. I like learning more. I like the people here.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1853 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean, you need to have a lot of self-respect and composure to demand the WS come clean, go NC, do IC & MC, etc., and self-respect takes such giant hits on D-Day.

Hmm. . . Looks like I done good.

(All but IC.. .) Maybe this is where I am stubborn, but why would my self-respect as a BS take a hit?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
silentscream13
♀ Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean, you need to have a lot of self-respect and composure to demand the WS come clean, go NC, do IC & MC, etc., and self-respect takes such giant hits on D-Day.

Well, I must doing well, because I demanded NC immediately. He was the one to actually schedule MC the morning following DDay. Not to mention, I am not even considering R yet. If it was up to my WH we'd be in R and married "happily ever after." I do not want to live in that dreamland any longer.

Maybe the warmest January on record + polar vortex + Canada's hockey gold metal + the unhappy Rs + the devolution of language due to Twitter + all the other crap that's happening really are all adding up to the true decline of civilization......

Lol! I blame Facebook!


ME: BS- 39; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: Almost 18 years; Married: Almost 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morhurt
Mrs Doubtfire, sorry to offend you! My wording was too black and white.

I'm fine about it so don't worry. I just didn't want you to carry on with that black and white thought in your head.

People stay as a way to pay it forward as well as because they still think about the A period I guess.

As to why so many who R well seem to then stumble Chico?

I think it is because, in some relationships the 'want' to R decision is made quite swiftly and after the IC and MC etc....... I think you then start to 'settle' into the realisation that you were cheated on.

If you read my profile I knew either with or without FWH in my life I would/could be happy but thought it would be happier with him in it so decided to R.

Then I struggled and thought I wanted out and was diagnosed with PTSD.

I think it is only fairly recently that I am able to assimilate the fact of how deeply he hurt me because I am now in a place of healing (does that make sense?).

I think what I am trying to say is that... now the shock and the fear have gone and now the PTSD has been dealt with... and now the MC has strengthened our M...and the IC has made us individually stronger...only NOW am I in a position of complete stability and rationality to properly think through the entire period of his A etc.

With a healthy mindset (due to IC/MC and PTSD work)and the benefit of being able to rationally look back at how he treated me and my DD I guess NOW I can look at what he and OW did and actually now make a determined and informed choice about whether the A was or wasn't a deal breaker ...simply because I don't have all that other stuff going on (FOO issues, aftermath of his A, fear of comparisons between me and the OW that some BS struggle with at the onset etc) that I have to deal with.

Maybe this is why some couple's R's 'go wrong' many years after.

I observed and experienced that for R to work both partners need to work independently and together on all three:
1. WS healing
2. BS healing
3. M healing

From my personal journey I have to state that had the 3 points above not ALL been addressed then I would be a D lady today as I don't believe a successful R can occur without those 3 things minimum!


Anyone else think this is a possibility?

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 8:25 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1565 | Registered: Jul 2009
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but why would my self-respect as a BS take a hit?
My self-respect took a hit because pre-A, pre d-day, I was "one of those" who always said I would kick my spoused ass to the curb if he ever cheated on me. A lot of BS's feel a loss of self-respect (or pride) when they decide to give reconciliation a chance.

I personally couldn't understand why spouses would give a cheating spouse a second chance. I felt those BS's were weak. I was, obviously, quite wrong about that.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9491 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of BS's feel a loss of self-respect (or pride) when they decide to give reconciliation a chance.

this is my current dilemma. I think I've accepted the affairs, but me staying in spite of them, that's the hard part - forgiving oneself for staying in what could be perceived as the line of fire. Staying when you aren't totally sure the person you're with is safe, and being ok with that.

There are a lot of posters on this thread and the "what is going right in recovery" thread that have had one Dday, a remorseful spouse right away and they list that as one of the good things... I cannot say that. That would be one of our wrong things...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4675 | Registered: Dec 2010
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I've accepted the affairs, but me staying in spite of them, that's the hard part - forgiving oneself for staying in what could be perceived as the line of fire.

I think that the decision to R was purely made with my heart. R is one of the craziest, stupidest, illogical decisions anyone could make. It took a lot of time and evidence for my mind to concede that my heart may have been right.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2551 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 48
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