Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: gia1008 (44614)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why am I delusional?
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please ask your IC to help you find your bitch boots. Sometimes you have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. With WS's like yours, it sounds like this is the case so he can stop calling all the shots and pretending like he's the one driving YOUR pain from HIS mistakes and damages.

This is really spot on. Many of us, including myself, fell into your actions; pleading, begging, etc. And no it doesn't work. Listen to us, we've been there and tried it. I ignored everyone on here who told me this. I wish I acted differently. Somehow you have to find your anger. I know that's easier said than done, but it's what you need to do to have a chance at saving this. YOU are the victim here, not him. He's very much still in contact with her, whether it's text or in person.

He left so he doesn't have to hear from you how selfish he's been to hurt you like this. Sometimes they choose to run instead of staying to face the music and work on themselves. He is running. He knew all along it was wrong, but did it anyhow. Even under the best circumstances trying to R and save a marriage is maybe a 20% success ratio at best. Can you really be with him again knowing he was lying and having sex with a 28 year old? You need to know that it will most likely take years of therapy for the both of you to move on together. You have to decide if you can live with that choir.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:52 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Broken69
♀ New Member
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is this reference to bitch boots? What if he really is remorseful and really is struggling with guilt. He has had many opportunities to see her and hasnt. Why wouldnt he if he could?

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because there's a huge difference between guilt and remorse. You just can't see that right now because you are struggling to get a grasp on all this and why it happened. My exWW had huge amounts of guilt. But there wasn't any remorse to back it up. As my IC said, if she was truly remorseful she would be on her hands and knees apologizing and begging for you not to leave her. She felt very guilty that she did this to me, to my son and to her parents. So much she went on a huge two year buying spree for our son. Bought him anything he basically asked for. She didn't give up a fight whatsoever in mediation as to what I wanted. My attorney even said.."We have her guilt now...we will get whatever we want."

In your WH's case he wouldn't be leaving you to go stay somewhere else unless you strongly requested it. He is doing it because he can't stand to see the hurt he's caused you and it makes him feel guilty, but not necessarily remorseful. True remorse will come out in time once he realizes exactly what it is he's losing. Guilt is a selfish act as remorse is not.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bitch boots are shorthand for, basically, emotional battlegear. It means you're going to stand up for yourself, draw your boundaries, and enforce them with consequences.

I'm not sure I ever found mine frankly as most of my DDay/false R was before I got on SI. And like you I wanted to believe he was guilty, sorry, remorseful. But the space he said he needed was really not about that guilt in my case but rather about not wanting to have to change his behavior or to admit that he wouldn't change it. And I took his word instead of demanding accountability.

Maybe your WH really isn't seeing her and really does just need the time to process--I don't know. That's the infuriating part about betrayal, nothing is believable or safe anymore. There isn't much you can do to force him to stay nor should you have to force someone to be with you. Time will tell.


Hugs to you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Broken69
♀ New Member
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight killed me. Came home to find the rest of his belongings gone. Overwhelming feeling of loss

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken

I am going through the same thing as you ATM so I feel for you!

I also felt sorrow each time I came home & yet more of his belongings were gone.....

 I asked my H of 10 yrs to move out after his untrustworthy behaviour got worse. So what does he do, he moves right in with the "very nice work friend". It's all my fault & he has been "unhappy for years" & the "marriage was unsalvageable" & "I fast tracked their relationship from 2 months to 6 months"- I compared by H to his father who he despises because the father cheated on his mother for 7 years. My H is not like his father because "nothing happened until he left" as in 2 days prior to him leaving the marital home. That was "very unfair of me"!

Oh & his ex cheated on him & he said he would never ever do that to me! He even told my 9 year old niece that cheating is the worst thing a man can do to a woman. But like my H says he did not cheat......

I have been doing NC for 2 months now & only broke it last week to respond to a text to request lawyer details. I highly recommend it! I did not realise how empowering NC is as my silence has really unnerved him & he has tried without success to break it! I have remained cool & calm while he has shown anger.

Unfortunately I have not being doing well in the last week & keep thinking about what could have been. I'm back to blaming myself for his cheating. He is no longer the caring sincere good guy I feel in love with. That man has gone & been replaced with a snake. I have finally booked in for IC & my first appointment is tomorrow.

(((hugs)))


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.