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Newest Member: PTSD (44945)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Headed out of R
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After years R just isn't for us.

I can't place blame all on him.... although I'd like to. I wasn't able to trust, he didn't work all that hard to give me a reason to trust. There was never 100% transparency. He got into porn and online gaming. We didn't connect again.

I'm not sure if he would have tried harder if I would have been able to let my guard down or not but we have tried since mid 2010.

We are in-house separating, we are still friends. That doesn't make sense to anyone else but us it seems. I am simply tired of being mad. Tired of waiting for something else to happen. Letting go all martial expectations has been a bit of a relief but also lonely.

I have huge fears of the future. Fears of always being alone. I want to know what it feels like to be valued in a relationship. I realize it will take me a long time to get my own head straight.

I am going back to IC, I wish H would but he feels he is just fine. He quit a daily porn/gaming habit cold turkey but he says he is fine.

At times I feel very clear that this is the right thing to do and other times I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut and kept pretending everything was ok. But that clearly wasn't working either.

Just rambling...


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At times I feel very clear that this is the right thing to do and other times I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut and kept pretending everything was ok. But that clearly wasn't working either.

I'm sorry to hear this. But pretending and living a lie is no way to live. Sounds like you have figured that out.

Hugs to you. Though it may be what you need/want, I know that decision was not an easy one.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6390 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hbat)))

I hear your confusion and pain. You just keep doing what you think is best. Limbo can be much harder than having a clear answer laid out before you.

Take care of you.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17328 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going back to IC, I wish H would but he feels he is just fine. He quit a daily porn/gaming habit cold turkey but he says he is fine.

This is very telling.

I am convinced in order for a couple to learn to R....BOTH have to be radically honest and intentional with their actions.

Healing from the pain is one thing.....Learning to R is something entirely different.

Two points;

First, as a former porn user I can tell you that quitting cold turkey and white knuckling it does not work ! You need to back fill in that void that habit filled with healthy constructive things.....things that I don't believe you can come up with on your own.

Second, a close couple we know is in a horribly destructive pattern. He feels he is just fine....she thinks she has some work to do but HE is the problem . No growth is likely here.

My own Dad, at 72 years old, has never showed any signs that he has any issues to work on, his alcoholic Dad had no affect on him, etc.....that blindness limits his growth, limits our relationship.

I am sorry your husband gives off the impression of being just fine.

2-5 years......put it is not just time. You need to be radically honest and intentionally seek our new ways to do M, to show and choose love.....WS in particular need to be very aggressive in this....certainly can't think that just stopping means all better.

And at some point the BS needs to step up aggressively too.

God be with you......it is not all lost yet.... Might not be in R, but D might not be inevitable.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might me at D....not pretending to know your sitch so well as to suggest that.

You have displayed courage and strength. I know you are tired......this is exhausting.

Keep posting.....we have your back regardless of your decision.....just know that I, myself, have thought I am out of options.....only to "be still" and have ore options present themselves to me.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, as a former porn user I can tell you that quitting cold turkey and white knuckling it does not work ! You need to back fill in that void that habit filled with healthy constructive things.....things that I don't believe you can come up with on your own.

He really does say he is fine. I am not sure how that can be. 15 yrs of porn and about 5 years of daily gaming.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 6

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