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User Topic: Letter to the om
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I feel in my heart that I should do this. He asked for forgiveness several times and I didn't respond to it. Well, the time has come to do so. I know some of you will disagree, but I was thinking of e-mailing him this e-mail. Obviously names have been changed. For some reason I want to say more, but I don't. Here it is:


I don't know how exactly to do this, but as I said, I would call you one day and accept your apology. I do forgive you Tom. I didn't want to just say it back then because I knew that in my heart I hadn't processed everything and gone through the rollar coaster of emotions. It's been almost 2yrs since it all happened and this is how long it has taken me to comes to grips with it all. I believe in second chances, I believe no one is perfect and therefore forgiveness is the right thing.

I wish you and Chelsey the best.

John Doe


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a bigger man than me, 2m2q, there's no way I would/could ever do it.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5391 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What will this accomplish for you?

The email is OK, but I don't get your motivation, and I don't get why you're giving him some space in your head.

Forgiveness is usually based on some sort of repentance. What's he done to repent, make amends, etc.?

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:29 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
vivere
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why open the door again after 2 years?

After 2 years I have almost reached my goal of indifference toward the AP. I understand it is probably more difficult in your case as you knew the AP as a 'friend' but I still think that's what I'd be aiming for.

For some reason I want to say more, but I don't.

I wonder if what you are holding back is, in fact, more important than what you are saying?



You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jan 2012
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggest sitting on the letter for another few weeks. If your heart still wants you to hit send and you will feel closure,, then that might be the best step for you.

I can relate. One of my husband's sex partners was also a friend of mine. At some point, I will possibly talk to her or email her, also for closure.

I think we can forgive someone's brokenness without welcoming them back into our lives. I also believe forgiveness is more for us than the perpetrator.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2m2q – I’m wondering what your motivation is with this letter. Is this someone that is unavoidably a part of your life?


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2011
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your profile and it indicates you are successfully reconciled--why would you want to make him important again? You can forgive someone without telling them you do--forgiveness is something for you, not him.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ This is what I was thinking. You can forgive him without contacting him.

I know you are in R - why open that door? Just a thought.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
IsthereEVERanend
♂ Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot imagine why you would want to send the OM communication in any form for any reason. No way would I ever consider doing it.


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only way the other man is getting a letter from me is if I can get my fist in there.

Whatever you need to have closure brother. It's your choice.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 589 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only way the other man is getting a letter from me is if I can get my fist in there.

Hahahaha.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.

Posts: 2039 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
workindad
♂ New Member
Member # 41790
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must admit that I would never do it either. He's seeking- what- absolution from you?? GMAFB

I can't imagine how this helps you, your R or your spouse in any way.

Does he need to feel better about himself so he can do this again to some other family??

Let him wait until hell freezes over.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I'm doing it for myself. Not that it will change things but it will let me leave it behind some. However I'm putting it on hold. I'm afraid I'll regret this later. I don't know why. Like I meed to hold on to resentment or else it's okay what he did. So confusing.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd sit on it for a minute. You may decide later down the road to knock his teeth out. Just saying.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 589 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
twitching
♀ Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How/why is he asking for forgiveness?


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's for you, then why bother telling him? You can forgive him and he doesn't ever need to know about it.

His asking for that is about him, not you.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7431 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He repented right off the back. Day 1 pretty much after DDAY. Or after I found out and told him I knew. During he didn't give a rats ass pretty much.

I'm reading all the responses and considering it all. One thing is for sure, I do NOT want to keep this resentment inside.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I strongly suggest reading

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To

by Janis A Spring


Don't send that letter yet. Read the book first. Also if this is for yourself, his involvement isn't needed. Please don't contact him. It's a really bad idea.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1538 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to voice your forgiveness to HIM.

You can forgive him, and let it go. If you feel like you have to give it a voice, go to a mountain, a lake, a river, the ocean, a meadow, the forest...where ever you feel at peace and say it there. "I forgive you, Tom."

That's all you have to do. You don't have to communicate with this person at all to release your resentment.


Posts: 3355 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I'm doing it for myself. Not that it will change things but it will let me leave it behind some. However I'm putting it on hold. I'm afraid I'll regret this later. I don't know why. Like I meed to hold on to resentment or else it's okay what he did. So confusing.

Forgive him in your head but don't send the letter. You can let go of the resentment without actually talking or sending a letter to him. It's 2 years later, you send the letter and he responds back with Fuck You or some other less than gracious response...now what?


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 26
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