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User Topic: Struggling....again....
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Sad  Posted: 12:24 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a rather long story, so please bear with me.

After a bad week last week, this week has been pretty good. Until yesterday.

Background: Although my D-Day is 18 August 2012, my fWH's affair happened from 2003 to 2004, it ended at the end of May 2004 when OW dumped my husband because she had found someone else ("someone else" moved in 2 weeks later). The point here is that fWH "came back to me" not because he suddenly realised that I was desirable and worthy, but because OW dumped him.

He admits that he really didn't want to be with me at the time, but stayed for the kids. 7 months later he had a serious mountain biking accident, had surgery, suffered a Deep Vein Thrombosis and very nearly died, it was touch-and-go for 48 hours. His recuperation was long and complicated, he couldn't work for something like 4 months and I nursed him through it. He now tells me that it was then that he realised he DID love me. The point here is that he didn't realise he loved me because I was desirable and attractive, he realised he loved me because I was a good nurse.

So back to the current situation: fWH keeps telling me how sexy I am, how beautiful I am, how desirable I am, how attractive he finds me and, while I appreciate the sentiments, I don't believe him.

I am a very logical person, I weigh facts up, and it makes not an ounce of sense to me that he acknowledges that he did NOT find me attractive, appealing or desirable 10 years ago - when I was younger than I am now, thinner than I am now, less flabby than I am now, less wrinkled than I am now, with better hair than I have now and when I was a LOT less stressed and more mentally balanced than I am now - but NOW when I am flabby, wrinkled, mentally unstable and with funny frizzy hair he finds me sexy, desirable and gorgeous. My logical mind CANNOT believe it. I want to believe it. Badly. But I can't. I have tried to "suspend disbelief" but it won't happen.

Right now I am suffering from low self-esteem. I would love to sometimes feel flattered, to feel beautiful in someone else's eyes. It's just not happening for me when my husband compliments me. I feel like "of course he's going to say those nice things, he's trying to R" or "of course he's not going to say 'OW would look a lot better in those pants than you do' of course he wouldn't"

Then, yesterday I was walking in a shopping mall and out of the blue I made eye contact with this man and he gave me a lovely big smile. A "looking right into your soul" kind of smile. I melted. I had this weird "teenage girl" reaction. I swear I blushed. And it hit me like a bolt out of the blue... I could imagine having an affair.... I really could. It horrified me! I do NOT want to be that person. I do NOT want to be a wayward. I KNOW how destructive affairs are for all involved. I know that only broken people have affairs. I KNOW all the background stuff.. the Whys and Hows... Why on earth would I have that totally wayward reaction to another person??

Thinking about it I know exactly why:
*My self-esteem is low and it would feel good to see a flattering image of myself reflected in another person's eyes.
*I am unhappy and it would be nice to be soothed by someone else.
*The "high" I'd get from an illicit relationship would feel really nice.
*I'd love an escape from the reality of my life and my marriage.
*It would be so refreshing to be in an uncomplicated relationship - a relationship that hasn't got this ugly history, that hasn't got all this baggage.
*The fun of a new relationship would feel so good to someone in my position who hasn't had a lot of fun for the last 18 months.
*And most importantly, I would believe some arbitrary person who said nice things about me in a way that I can't believe my fWH.
*Basically, I am a broken person and broken people like to have affairs.

So right now this is scaring me witless. I do NOT want to have an A. I want a deep, meaningful relationship with my fWH, not some disgusting, dirty fling with a stranger. I want to be made of stronger stuff. I want to deal with my own issues, not look to an affair to seemingly heal my wounds.

I spoke to fWH about this last night and he says he can understand why I would have that feeling, but he is convinced that if it came to the crunch I would never stray. He says he is 100% certain that I value myself, my marriage and my family too much to put them at risk. I love it that he believes that. I am so glad I spoke to him about it and that he was thoughtful and sincere in his response.

But it scares me that I had that feeling. It scares me that my mind would even go there. I feel vulnerable and I am scared of where that vulnerability could lead me. I somehow need to fix things so that those feelings that I could imagine I would enjoy from an affair are found in my marriage.


So dear SI peeps: have you ever felt like this? how do you believe it when your fWS says nice things about you? How do you feel warm and fuzzy in a relationship that is walking the longest, hardest, road ever? How do you stay strong and heal?

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 12:28 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 948 | Registered: Oct 2012
Healinggirl
♀ Member
Member # 39747
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps it's a consequence of being betrayed. A similar thing happened to me several months after DDay and I was shocked that such a thought had entered my mind.

His A seems to have weakened my own boundaries somehow. Our R is going well but the marriage feels, well, lop-sided. That's the only reason I can think of because I actually have a better marriage now. He's worked hard at the repair work and I feel loved and attractive.

I realised that his A had changed me and I am now capable of crossing lines that previously were set in stone. Now the lines are still there but set in sand as a reminder, but not a barrier I am unable to cross anymore.

Before his affair I was aware I couldn't be unfaithful, Today, I realise I wouldn't. It's different.

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 2:01 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


Me 58
WS 58 Sexually abused as a boy
OW Prostitutes in double figures
OW number ??? Just another immoral female

D Day 11 November 2012
Reconciling

You can't scale a mountain in a single step


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH recently told me he thinks I'm more beautiful now than ever. It made me cry. I believed him and I think the reason is because he knows in his heart how much I love him and he's finally able to feel it. For so long I think he convinced himself that we had grown apart, become stale, that he didn't remember how strong our love was. When he looks at me he doesn't see the grays, wrinkles, and stretch marks, he sees the love I still have for him even after what he did.

I still have days where I doubt it but I try to go back to that moment where I really believed him.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Itsaclimb)))
First of all, you are totally normal. Ok? You are not on the slippery slope anywhere. The fact that you are thinking and talking about this means you are healthy and a-ok.

I can so relate with your post -- I had a "hairdresser" incident this week where I had a similar overreaction. My (younger, straight) hairdresser was giving me a great scalp massage, and I just sort of melted into a puddle. . it felt awesome. My husband was out of town, and I was just feeling lonely for touch anyway, so I think it caught me off guard. And then, the alarm bells went off like a 3-alarm fire. I think they went off because I was acutely aware that another man was touching me, and I liked it. I freaked out a little, and then went home and fired off about a five emails to my husband. (To be clear, the hairdresser was totally not-flirty, and I am actually not particularly attracted to him).

But, what this situation did give me was 1.) an opportunity to talk about things like this, which is vulnerable and makes our marriage stronger, and 2.) It gave me some empathy. Yes, I could react to someone else, and I do have to be careful, just like my H. I am not somehow made of different stuff than him-- and as horrifying as it is that my H took pleasure from someone else, my guess is that I could as well, given the wrong circumstances. (I think I had thought before that my "morals" would protect me somehow, or my love for my husband, or that I would be repulsed by the touch of someone else. I saw in this really minor and innocent way that touch could both feel good, and be meaningless.) It was actually kind of a profound understanding that I felt.

Sorry about the long post - but I also wanted to say that you do have some really negative thinking going on. What if you let go of these ideas:

The point here is that fWH "came back to me" not because he suddenly realised that I was desirable and worthy, but because OW dumped him.

&

"of course he's going to say those nice things, he's trying to R" or "of course he's not going to say 'OW would look a lot better in those pants than you do' of course he wouldn't"


&

The point here is that he didn't realise he loved me because I was desirable and attractive, he realised he loved me because I was a good nurse.

It seems to me that any time you think, "The point here is. . " you are getting ready to come up with a whopper of a negative statement about yourself. I don't know you, but I am willing to bet these statements aren't true. You say you are logical, but these are feelings about yourself and your worth, not logic. I'd ask your husband about these things in particular, as my hunch is you are totally off base. And besides, it makes you feel crappy to think them, and your H says they aren't true. So why not let them go?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:17 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing girl - that you caught perfectly what I was trying to say. I also thought I couldn't before, for a host of reasons, and now it is more of a decision. I wouldn't.

I think that is profound for waywards as well, as many of them thought they couldn't before they did, which for my husband was probably one of his fatal flaws.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Itsaclimb)))


This post made me just have to answer you. I had to re-read your bio as well.

The point here is that fWH "came back to me" not because he suddenly realised that I was desirable and worthy, but because OW dumped him.


Here is the thing about this^… He was 'in the fog' at this time and yes, she might have hurried along your WH's break from her, but you will never know what would have happened if she hadn't. He can tell you that he thinks he would have still been with her etc… but that is maybe what he believed, in the fog, at the time. The point is… you will and he will, never know how it would have panned out if she hadnt dumped him.

Further, at this point your husband was still in the fog and it wasn't until his accident that he really *saw* you again for you. Yes. It was 7 months later and yes, he was still foggy at the time, but truth is, so are so many waywards. Try to start thinking in those terms. That, just like there is a cheating script for most way wards during the A, that is we can all predict a lot of their cheating behavior, there also seems to be a 'wayward post-A script' for many WS. Many of them are foggy, mourn, break NC etc… The way I see it, your WH was not unlike many stories we have read here. The difference is…you had NO idea. So all of these factors were taking place without your knowledge, without your demanding it…the way many of us do. And here is the thing…He chose you. That is what I see when I read your story.

What I find most compelling about your story is this… and I have taken it from your bio…

What makes it worse is that the last 6 years (2006-2012) have been AMAZING. And now I know they were built on a LIE.

^^This is something I envy. I know…who could envy anything A related? But here is the thing…. he saw YOU during the time of his accident and how caring and loving a person you were. He was comparing you at that time, much like many WS do. You did not know. You did not know your were 'competing'. (Which is a whole other story and not the point of my post) And he chose YOU. He chose your marriage, your love, your family, your body, your soul….

and what happened next…

What makes it worse is that the last 6 years (2006-2012) have been AMAZING.

^^was this.

You also wrote:

(those years)... were built on a LIE.

^^I think those years where AMAZING because your WH saw you for you, saw the error of his ways and changed. Try thinking of that as choosing YOU!

So when your WH says this to you…


fWH keeps telling me how sexy I am, how beautiful I am, how desirable I am, how attractive he finds me

I believe him. I do. I believe he finds you all those things-even wrinkly, flabby, getting older etc…

I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds here and I hope my perspective could possible start to ease some of your pain! Hugs!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1452 | Registered: Jun 2012
itstoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Previously a SAHM of bunch if kids, I was hardly ever alone out in public. I was a mom. My husband was breadwinner and had to work lot of hours to provide for us- alone, no wife, no kids. Well when A happened and the resulting consequences.... I found myself in new places: new membership at Y, new church w no H, going back to college, hospital during my clinicals, etc... Even though I was very much 100% committed to my M and R, I too have had the very same thoughts and feelings as you describe- many times since dd. :( one example in particular...
I was sitting across table from very smart, good looking, nice guy my age checking our homework together & all of a sudden I saw 'so this is how it starts...!!' Believe me, I was NOT looking for it and it completely caught me off guard. But because I was so against anything like that (just like you said in your post), I very consciously made sure I didn't allow anything to develop. Ashamed to say it took ALOT of my mental energy and I struggled with what I was thinking & feeling. I told my husband eventually about these instances too- it was a chance for us to grow closer.

What this did for me:

it helped me see my husband as human- not an awful monster set on destroying my life...

It helped me identify somewhat with him in a weird way.... Experience a level of empathy I hadn't before.

It helped me see I'm not above him - he's not below me- we are both people with hurts, insecurities and both have ability to be flattered, desire something more...

What it did for him:

Eye-opener that his faithful and devoted wife struggles with such thoughts...

Eye-opener that other men have shown interest in that boring wife he thought I was...

Eye-opener that he could lose me to another...

Experienced a just a teeny, tiny, small fraction of what I have been experiencing by his infidelity- but I think that was enough to get him thinking a little more...

I don't like that I've felt any of it- that is not who I am. But I still deal with it from time to time, and knowing its awful consequences I want to be as close to my H as possible. That's not always as close as I want, but we are still working on our M.

His complements now? Sometimes I can accept them, sometimes all I can do is think of OP when he does/says anything sexy, romantic... It's definitely a struggle for me. Some days I feel so strong as a woman- other days my self-esteem is non-existent. That betrayal on the level it happened has really messed with my mind, the very person I am... But I'm determined to push forward- and even when I don't FEEL like it, I KNOW I have become stronger because of it all, and I am worth much more than my husband ever realized. And even though he doesn't always act like it, he KNOWS it too.

We both are trying - hard as it is.


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itstoomuch,
thanks for your honesty; you said that beautifully. I don't think any of us need to beat ourselves up for having fleeting feelings and attractions. All the books say it is normal, anyway! It is what we do with them that matters. The more self-reflective we are about it, and the more we talk about it, I think the safer everyone is. It is surely a raw spot for me, as well.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Itsaclimb, my heart hurts with understanding of this. Maybe this wont apply to you, but I'm going to share it anyway. It wasn't my H's A that caused me to not believe his compliments. His A's REINFORCED my disbelief, but it was seated in me already. I haven't truly believed a compliment from anyone for most of my life. Though a glance from a stranger can put me kn cloud 9. I struggle desperately with self-esteem and have trouble accepting that I have any actual value, let alone that someone desires me (especially after they get to know me). I've made some pretty destructive moves in my life to force something to give me value. I buried myself in school for years - my grades were tangible proof that I was smart. I graduated and started teaching music - the scores my kids received at competitions and the number of students who successfully got into audition-only groups proved I was talented. My grandfather loved me unconditionally - his love kept me satisfied enough that I didn't really need it from anyone else. Then, my grandfather died and I lost my career. Shortly after, my marriage dissolved and I found 'worth' and 'confidence' in the bottom of a bottle and the attention of anyone who would give it. Then still, when my H and I got together, his words of admiration fell on deaf ears. I loved him and I knew he loved me, but I always rationalized why - and it was NEVER that he was actually attracted to me for me but for what I could do for him. After my dday, I fell on my oldest coping mechanism - I hid out. Only since I have stopped that, started finding confidence and worth in MYSELF and working on loving ME, have his words started to be believable. I've heard a hundred times that you can only love someone if you love yourself, but in my experience, you can only accept love from someone when you truly love yourself. I still struggle, but I am well on my way down the path of real self-love.

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Jan 2013
itstoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is what we do with them that matters. The more self-reflective we are about it, and the more we talk about it, I think the safer everyone is.

Yes, that is so very true indeed!! :)


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ItsaClimb)))

Our stories and trials are very similar.

The point here is that fWH "came back to me" not because he suddenly realised that I was desirable and worthy, but because OW dumped him.

My wife only came back to me and our family because her fAP dumped her cold turkey....she sat on the fence for months afterwards.....so I totally relate to what that feels like. And, like your husband, over time she has moved away from that attitude....like your husband has. But you nor I will ever have a different past than we have. It is raw pain for me today, 19 months out, as I recall how that felt........how my wife and your husband so intentionally choose another over us and our family and that the main reason then that they "chose" was not so much an active choice....but an action by default.

My wife never openly admitted to NOT wanting to be with me or with our family, like your husband apparently did with words.....but her actions absolutely SCREAMED this was what she was "saying".

That was then.....our spouses are in a very different spot now. My wife NOW sees that the man she was destructing everything within her M and family was soooooo not worth those choices....I suspect your husband has a similar stance now.

I don't believe him.

Not fully sure if you have forgiven your husband....but I have forgiven my wife. However, forgiving and trust are two different choices. A PART of my journey to forgiveness is my strong desire to trust my wife again......I soooooo want to trust her.....but I don't, yet. I thought maybe once I forgave her trust would be "just around the corner"....it is not.

I am a very logical person, I weigh facts up, and it makes not an ounce of sense to me....

We are both very analytical in nature.

"Adultery is crazy making shit!"--original MC.

You and I have repeatedly struggled to make sense out of a senseless situation.

Early on we both thought some of the "sense" our WS's were feeding us could be pieced together to make a complete picture. What we have both come to realize is that wayward thinking and justification is not based on logic....it is illogical, it is "sense-less". My wife NOW sees that.....but she was so into her A that she stated "sensible things" in emails, in conversations with her therapist, her sister, her close friends........and me, being the analytical person I am, combined with a little bit of trust left for my wife, played nicely into the "crazy making shit" that was going on while my wife was in her A and subsequent fog.

I only started to move away from my analytical self....my desire to make sense of this.....after complete shattering took place. I had to fully own and accept my original M died when my wife choose adultery. A fact she fought so hard with lies, deception, trickle truths, blah blah blah. Once shattering took place I was free from my codependent ways (not cured, but at least recognizing my weakness) to see that her A was

1. Not about me.
2. Had no sense to be found within it.
3. Was her shit and brokenness to clean up.
4. I was fine without her.
5. I still had choices.
6. My choices have consequences.

and a slug of other things....

Right now I am suffering from low self-esteem. I would love to sometimes feel flattered, to feel beautiful in someone else's eyes.

Feel this too.....which is why I have a "no contact with female SI members policy". It feels REALLY good to be appreciated. Keep your boundaries firm......lots of other people in real life that will prey on how you feel....intentionaly, as a predator...and unintentionally, as a fellow hurting person. I have some wierd things going on at work....believe the rumor mill has infiltrated my company and some likely candidates are fishing around me right now.

Post often too......you are one of my original brat pack members....our DD's are near identical as have been our journeys, WS's interactions, etc... I have your back, others do too. You are courageous and strong....attractive traits to be sure.

*My self-esteem is low and it would feel good to see a flattering image of myself reflected in another person's eyes.
*I am unhappy and it would be nice to be soothed by someone else.
*The "high" I'd get from an illicit relationship would feel really nice.
*I'd love an escape from the reality of my life and my marriage.
*It would be so refreshing to be in an uncomplicated relationship - a relationship that hasn't got this ugly history, that hasn't got all this baggage.
*The fun of a new relationship would feel so good to someone in my position who hasn't had a lot of fun for the last 18 months.
*And most importantly, I would believe some arbitrary person who said nice things about me in a way that I can't believe my fWH.
*Basically, I am a broken person and broken people like to have affairs.

Feel all of this.....most of this is related to trust and influenced by fear. Keep feeling these feelings....but check each and every action you think could be remotely related to this list BEFORE you choose ANY ACTION!

Our spouses choose adultery with MUCH less stress on them then we have......and they broke. Just because we are BS's, don't think for a minute we are not able to make similar destructive choices. And our weight of the pain we have is exponenationally (hardly capture it) heavier than anything our spouses have ever felt in their lives......it is traumatic for us, and just pain for them. They simply will never comprehend the pain we have been subjected to by their choices....even though we caused them pain too, it is nothing on the scale of what we have been subjected too.

I spoke to fWH about this last night

This is a key component our spouses were unwilling to do pre-A with us. It is a key to avoiding RA or choosing other selfish actions.

I am better now....but, if you recall, I struggled with this for months. I am grateful the rumor mill took this long to alert people I work with as to the struggles we have in our M....and I can't confirm others know....but some odd interactions of late tell me they do.

It hurts so much.....you feel so alone, so isolated, so unable to soothe yourself. All real feelings....but they don't jive with the facts as I know them via your posts.

You CAN and HAVE soothed yourself....your husbands choices have MADE you do this. So it wasn't your choice....you STILL DID IT.

This post tells me that you recognize you have these feelings....but that you also are blatantly and fully aware of the dangers of acting on your feelings right now. You are NOT keeping these feelings hidden, you are using "fellowship" to keep you from sin. It is painful, but this is good pain....somewhere inside you, you will see and feel this to be true.

Those smiles from other men? Totally feel that....but not from other men, from other women!

You have value, you have beauty. You were born with this.....others see it, I see it. So life has vandalized the canvas you started out with....the beauty is still under the graffitti. This pain you are feeling is you getting back in touch with the original artwork that is Itsaclimb...and also God working to add to His original intent for your life.

Long post...but I soooooo get what you are saying.

I am a couple months past that stage....but still make choices every day to keep my boundaries in place and focus on pain-is-good.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realised that his A had changed me and I am now capable of crossing lines that previously were set in stone. Now the lines are still there but set in sand as a reminder, but not a barrier I am unable to cross anymore.

Before his affair I was aware I couldn't be unfaithful, Today, I realise I wouldn't. It's different.

Yes!!! Healing girl you are right!!!

I let a girl touch and groom my gotee at a conference hospitality function at a conference shortly after my DD....NEVER would have allowed that pre-A....and I let it go on until she had her fill and ended with a welcoming smile. I found a reason to leave the function after that interaction.

That interaction would NOT have taken place if I had stuck to my original boundary of leaving hospitality functions before 8 pm.

I always knew boundaries were necessary for me....but I now know that even with boundaries I have to make choices.....and I HAVE made choices.

Pre-A I would work very hard at limiting or removing totally "opportunity" so as I would not have to make a choice.

Sine the A I have been in opportunities and had some desire to make destructive choices...and I didn't!!! It is a very good feeling.

But it is also pretty unnerving to realize that I am quite capable of making destructive decisions.....

Which is why Itsaclimbs post resonates with me so hard......I know that feeling of "Oh, really? A relationship with another IS an choice?". Its temptation at its finest....and it appears unavoidable for her and I....but we both are seeing we are NOT powerless when tempation comes knocking (or smiling, or touching my gotee).

Late for a meeting....but I made that choice!

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Itsaclimb))))

I hope you can truly hear what other posters are saying. I don't believe anyone is immune to affairs. In fact, like BionicGal, I think the belief that we are immune from infidelity can actually contribute to our downfall.

Awareness is key. I understand that you have self and marriage issues you need to work on, but you are VERY aware of the factors that can lead to affairs, and you want nothing to do with them. Even bigger--you are honest. Affairs can only thrive in deception, and you went and immediately told your husband.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not a weak or bad person. Having an attraction or thought about another person from time to time is normal. It's when you keep the attraction secret, build it up in your head, and then act on it that the attraction becomes a betrayal.

Also, please consider what musiclovinmom had to say, because I think her words are very wise. I also suffered from low self esteem in the past, and it pre-dated my marriage. I drank too much all through college and most of my 20's, looking for approval and external validation, because my family history left me unable to find value in myself. It's been a process discovering that I am worthy of love these past years, but I think I was doing pretty well, and then BAM! Husband's affairs took a real hit at my newfound self-esteem. But those feelings of inadequacy pre-dated the trauma--they didn't come out of nowhere. And now it's my job to keep working of myself and realize that his As are NO reflection on me and my self-worth--just like your husband's A was not a reflection of your value. Their As are about them and their brokenness.

You've recognized that you have low self esteem and that it's an issue. Good. Awareness is the first step.

Now--gently--how do you plan to fix yourself? For me, IC has been huge. Also, finding an outlet just for me where I feel competent and valued (writing), reading self-help books (I'd highly recommend Brene Brown) and finding a support network via friends and online has really helped.

I wish you all the best. You are amazingly self-aware already, and I so admire your honesty and forthrightness. Just by reading your post, I see all sorts of wonderful qualities that you possess. My wish for you is that you will soon be able to see them in yourself.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 9:36 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you can only accept love from someone when you truly love yourself.

Musiclovingmom.....we just nibbled at this in MC last week.....our ability to accept love is a factor in all of this.....NOT just how to show love, choose love, but how to accept love.

And it is a struggle.....maybe a struggle since childhood......but a struggle made harder as the one we seek to accept love from is the one person who hurt us so deeply......old fears are renewed.

Good post.....thankful to those who are more wise than I.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you're not being logical at all. Your H says you turn him on. I imagine he backs that up with actions that please you. Logic says you should believe him - but you don't, and you keep telling yourself you're a logical person, to boot.

Your self-talk is ...um... less than accurate? valid? ideal?

Are you in IC? If not, IC is a good way to change the messages of self-doubt and self-hate. BTDT myself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for chiming in. I needed to read a lot of what was said here today. I've come to realise that I need to let go of a lot of my negative thinking if we are going to get anywhere. Some more IC is probably a good idea.

Trying to make sense of how he could find the 36 year old (thin, perky, wrinkle-free) me unattractive and yet find the 46 year old (flabby, droopy, wrinkly) me attractive is impossible, it's getting me nowhere, and like the affair, it just doesn't make sense...(as blakesteele so eloquently reminded me!) So I am going to try hard to let it go. I'm going to try to live in the now, enjoy his compliments and appreciate his attention. Not saying I have that right yet, or that I will even have it right next month, but I am going to work on it!

A couple of things that really jumped out at me:

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not a weak or bad person. Having an attraction or thought about another person from time to time is normal. It's when you keep the attraction secret, build it up in your head, and then act on it that the attraction becomes a betrayal.

^^needed this reminder

Before his affair I was aware I couldn't be unfaithful, Today, I realise I wouldn't.

^^ I think this is huge. Those feelings I had took me by surprise. I've been walking around thinking I had the moral high-ground and suddenly I realised I didn't and that was quite shattering to me. It definitely gives me some insight into fWH's thought processes at A-time. It's also a wake-up call to the fact that fWH and I both have to be vigilant about boundaries, communication, honesty etc. That's a good thing!

The more self-reflective we are about it, and the more we talk about it, I think the safer everyone is.

^^ this exactly.

When he looks at me he doesn't see the grays, wrinkles, and stretch marks, he sees the love I still have for him even after what he did.
^^ love this!

What makes it worse is that the last 6 years (2006-2012) have been AMAZING.

Brokensmile322 - thank you for reminding me of this ^^ In all the drama of the last 18 months, memories of the good times fWH and I shared post-A but before D-Day have been swamped. Your response gave me pause, I spent some time considering the fact that in those 6 years I felt that he DID find me attractive. It really gave me something to consider. Thanks for that!

It wasn't my H's A that caused me to not believe his compliments. His A's REINFORCED my disbelief, but it was seated in me already. I haven't truly believed a compliment from anyone for most of my life.

and
you can only accept love from someone when you truly love yourself.

^^ musiclovingmom your response resonated with me SO much. I spent a lot of time thinking about what you said here.

blakesteele, as always so much of what you say is so relevant to my situation. Love that I am a member of your brat pack and that we can support one another through this. Your posts always give me loads of food for thought, thanks for that.

Sisoon.... tough response.... Hmmmm, I'm still mulling it over. I hear what you say, I see your line of thinking. Not entirely sure I fully agree with it, but it's made me look again at my thought process, which is always a good thing.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 5:40 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 948 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 16

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