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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It's not enough....
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is completely committed to R...

He's transparent... We have good communication.. I know all his passwords.. He's had NC with the OW.. He cut off all contact completely once everything got out in the open.. He tells me he's sorry, constantly.. He keeps me updated with texts throughout the day.. He's there for me when I'm feeling down and sad and hurt.. He answers any questions I have regarding the A.....

So, why isn't this enough for me...? Why am I not committed to R..? Why aren't the positive changes I see in him enough...?

This whole A has shattered and broken me... I seriously hate him for what he has done to me and our family..

I guess I'm not committed to R bc I don't wanna be... Bc I do ultimately want a D.. D is what makes sense to me.. It's the rational thing to do... Why stay with someone you can't ever trust again..?


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovehatelove -This whole A has shattered and broken me... I guess I'm not committed to R bc I don't wanna be... Bc I do ultimately want a D.. D is what makes sense to me.. It's the rational thing to do... Why stay with someone you can't ever trust again..?

I can see the conflict within you, not only in your user name which reflects your state of mind when you joined SI but I can also sense it in the very words you use in this post.

On one hand, I can see the betrayal is so painful that your emotional choice, based on your feelings of being shattered and broken, is to walk away and leave. That's so understandable.

And your words of "it makes sense to me, its the rational thing to do", sounds like you have also came to a conscious decision to walk away.

And yet, there still seems to be a smidgen of you that wonders why you haven't walked away yet? After all, if your heart and mind is saying leave, then what is holding you back?

I think you need to figure that out. Is it some misguided guilt thing about failed marriages or could it be that there still is a bit of love that ties you to him and the marriage? What is holding you back from following your heart and mind?

HUFI

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused, donít listen to your heart, its fickle, listen to your soul, God doesnít steer you wrong - HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, why isn't this enough for me...? Why am I not committed to R..? Why aren't the positive changes I see in him enough...?
Because you are hurt nor sure who you are yourself. The pain of infidelity takes a long to get to that point of acceptance.

R'ing is not easy. This is kinda what I see..
10 being the worst
First few month.. 10 of 10
six month to two years... 8 of 10
Two years to five years... 4-7 of 10
after six.. pretty good.

This really is about YOU.. and changing yourself... discovering, deciding, accepting, finding purpose, learning to be YOU and NOT depending on any man to dictate your happiness.

These are things YOU cannot change in life. They are givens for us all. Life is not fair. People are not always loving or loyal. Life does not always go according to plan. Pain is part of life. In life, everything changes.

How YOU seek refuge from these things that happen to us all, things we cannot control, will determine your happiness.

R'ing is hard. It is not easy.

Saying today, I am not going to be broken after today is a start. I AM NOT GOING TO BE BROKEN.

So perhaps today, or in the next few weeks, you decide if you truly want to R or not.

When you make that final decision. You decide to learn a different way to have a marriage, a relationship with your man. You can do this by counseling, reading books about sex, relationships, being he best wife, the best woman, how to best handle conflicts in relationships.. etc.

What I am trying to say is start now to change YOU, not your H. He must change on his own.

I find most people believe love is some sort of feeling. But love is really a choice. I can choose to love someone, or not. When you choose to love someone (BOOK: The five languages of Love), and they choose give you reciprocity, your feelings will result in very good ones.

I really doubt you are ready to D right now. YOU have not had "enough". Obviously, you are close, but not there yet. It is harder because your H is trying his best to be more quality. Since your H is doing these things, he was man that lived in evil and hated himself deep inside. He didn't like those feeling that come with living in evil and likely was relieved this evil was exposed. So today, he is making an attempt in his life to change himself. This makes your choice even harder. Because now, he is being attractive. Attractive to YOU.

I would say you are in Limbo. It is stages of grief. Limbo is not bad soon after discovering your new identity. Most likely still in the shock part of grief perhaps now moving into questions. It is a process to work through grief. It will come naturally or you can move it along yourself.

A decision to R or D is very hard. You don't have to make it today. You are in the process of weighing out all the positives and negative of your marriage. This is part of grief too. That is really a good thing right now.. to move forward is so key to your happiness.

What I have learn in my life and this infidelity. Until we BS decide to change ourselves, and change, we will set ourselves up for failure over and over.

Let me described to you what I have learned should make the choice to R. A new powerful attitude that should happen when you make the choice to R and be successful at it.

- I decide to change the old me.
- I want my marriage.
- I know this is going to take a long time and there are going to be very hurtful feelings along the way.
- I know even 15 years, 20 years, 30 years from now, I will have the ability to think back on this period in my life and still feel pain.
- I can handle this pain and I will do it. I will accept this pain.
- I will pay attention, discover, learn to change all my own bad behaviors, the old unattractive me will be gone.. in order to be far more attractive.
- I will forgive.. and learn what it means to forgive, and then execute forgiving.
- I will be far more open with my H. I will seek and know what my H needs, and do my best to fill those needs.
- I will be more flexible in accepting who my H really is.
- I will never again accept unattractive behaviors by my H and learn how to conflict in a good way when he does shows me, says to me, unattractive behaviors, I will never run from those.
- I am powerful enough that I do not need any man for my happiness and any man who chooses not to love me, not to cherish me, then there is no reason to have him to enjoy my life with me.
- My values, Me, I will be the most attractive woman, and I will be this woman, if any man cannot see it, he will not be part of my life. I cannot change a man. Either his mature, or not.
- I know I may have fear learning to be independent again, but I have courage to implement consequences should someone not love me, no matter how hard.
- I am tough to endue whatever life throws at me, I am strong, I will be ready to confront and never run.
- likely a few more...

I am going to admit something about me. I fought my ego hard on this. I accept this about who I was. I played a role in my own attractions. I pick a weak woman too. My own weakness was picking this woman, mostly immaturity and ignorance. I could not see who she really was. My own behaviors resulted her not being most open. She was not safe around me nor did I create the kind of environment where she could be most open. I was not filling all of her needs. And when my W stopped loving me, the way it is suppose to be, why did I just let that happen? Why did I turn toward other things when this happened and not face it head on. Why did I accept a half loving wife?

Fears kept me from not D'ing in the beginning. You posted like me once. But deep in my soul, as good a man I thought I was, and even being a far better than most men, there was some things missing about me. A question I have sense answered. No woman dare risk losing someone like me. I fixed me.

You can have fears and deal with them in courage. If you have courage, you D when someone treats you badly. Their choice, not yours. Hey, "I" picked a bad man and will try to learn to pick a better one next time. You did your part to the best of your ability during this M. And it was not good enough. Fine, I D you because I cannot be any better. And the pain is only temporary because I know a good man will appreciate that I am "that" attractive, and NEVER risk losing me. I only will be with good men who will join me in my life, my journey to share. H, You don't want to behave as a good man, good riddance. Or heck, you don't even need a man, you can be happy without!


Posts: 2672 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH also is doing all the right things, yet I sometimes have the same feelings you expressed.

Personally, on some level I feel as if I've betrayed myself by staying. It flies in the face of everything I believed about infidelity until actually being confronted by it. It's one thing to discover your spouse isn't the person you thought they were. It's a whole other mental mess to realize you're not either.

I'm still riding this out for the sake of our family. Our children have always been my first priority from day one. I've just started year 3 of this journey and am hoping that I finally find some peace.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1019 | Registered: Mar 2012
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lovehatove)))

I don't have much to offer besides empathy. I'm so sorry--what you're struggling with sounds very hard.

I also noticed your DDay...it looks like you've just entered Year Two. I've seen plenty of others around SI talking about how difficult year two was/is for them. Perhaps you can find some comfort in reading posts from others struggling with similar feelings and realizing you are not alone?

(((Hugs)))


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUFI-PUFI

sounds like you have also came to a conscious decision to walk away.

I really feel like I have..... our current situation is preventing me from just walking away....

could it be that there still is a bit of love that ties you to him and the marriage?

I hate him... I haven't said I love you in a looooong time... although he continues to say it to me..... I'm not sure if any part of me loves him anymore....

what is holding you back?

Thinking about him with someone else, settling down with someone else, makes me wanna vomit.. that keeps me here... thinking about supporting myself and my kids (as I haven't worked in 10 years) is keeping me here...

listen to your soul, God doesnít steer you wrong

as I am an atheist.... that makes this advice difficult for me to understand.....

trynhard

Because you are hurt

this is very true... I just had this idea that a year after Dday, I would be feeling at least alil better...

and likely was relieved this evil was exposed.

I KNOW this is true for him.... for sure!

So today, he is making an attempt in his life to change himself. This makes your choice even harder.Because now, he is being attractive. Attractive to
YOU

ummmmmmm, YES!!

- I decide to change the old me.
- I want my marriage.
- I know this is going to take a long time and there are going to be very hurtful feelings along the way.
- I know even 15 years, 20 years, 30 years from now, I will have the ability to think back on this period in my life and still feel pain.
- I can handle this pain and I will do it. I will accept this pain.
- I will pay attention, discover, learn to change all my own bad behaviors, the old unattractive me will be gone.. in order to be far more attractive.
- I will forgive.. and learn what it means to forgive, and then execute forgiving.
- I will be far more open with my H. I will seek and know what my H needs, and do my best to fill those needs.
- I will be more flexible in accepting who my H really is.
- I will never again accept unattractive behaviors by my H and learn how to conflict in a good way when he does shows me, says to me, unattractive behaviors, I will never run from those.
- I am powerful enough that I do not need any man for my happiness and any man who chooses not to love me, not to cherish me, then there is no reason to have him to enjoy my life with me.
- My values, Me, I will be the most attractive woman, and I will be this woman, if any man cannot see it, he will not be part of my life. I cannot change a man. Either his mature, or not.
- I know I may have fear learning to be independent again, but I have courage to implement consequences should someone not love me, no matter how hard.
- I am tough to endue whatever life throws at me, I am strong, I will be ready to confront and never run.
- likely a few more...

I like these.... thank you for these....!!

Thank you trynhard your words make me feel happy

Personally, on some level I feel as if I've betrayed myself by staying. It flies in the face of everything I believed about infidelity until actually being confronted by it. It's one thing to discover your spouse isn't the person you thought they were. It's a whole other mental mess to realize you're not either.

I'm still riding this out for the sake of our family. Our children have always been my first priority from day one. I've just started year 3 of this journey and am hoping that I finally find some peace.

LILThis is EXACTLY how I feel..... I feel I've betrayed myself for deciding to not leave right away.. for still being here.....


[This message edited by lovehatelove at 9:59 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lhl,

At a year out I didn't trust my W, either. I was confident she wouldn't cheat again, but I didn't trust her to go all the way to R. That took 30-36 months for me. It's hard to generalize about this, but I think it's normal for trust to take a long time to rebuild, and it's normal and healthy for you not to trust your H yet.

Your question seems to assume either of 2 outcomes. First, you can't trust anybody, so you plan to be alone ... is that what you're going for?

Second, you may be assuming that you'll be able to ID and attract a trustworthy man. But the best scientific survey I know of says that 25%-30% of men admit to cheating, so the odds of finding a non-cheater aren't that bankable.

IMO, a WS who fixes himself is a lot better bet than someone who hasn't gone through this crap for a good M. If trust is the issue and if your H is really committed to R, your best bet for no more cheating probably is your H.

If lack of trust is your only obstacle to 'committing' to R, I'd say you're in the process of and committed to R. One reason - maybe the primary reason - it takes 2-5 years is that's how long it takes to rebuild trust.

You know yourself best. My comments are based on your post, and your post is just an infinitesimal outline of all that's going on inside you. If you were done, though, I think you'd just post 'I'm done with R. The A was a deal breaker for me' - no justification, no reasoning, no questioning, no self-doubt.

I think it's likely to be too early for you to change what you're doing - except to apply patience to your desire to trust your H.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:45 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lhl-Sometimes this is a deal breaker for the BS. There is no shame in that. It is a little too soon, IMHO, to make a final decision on ending my marriage, but everyone is different and maybe you know yourself better than I know me. You need to do what is Right for you and your family unit. Not all marriages are "happily ever after".

Posts: 1033 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon

the best scientific survey I know of says that 25%-30% of men admit to cheating, so the odds of finding a non-cheater aren't that bankable.

I'm not sure where you are getting this info, but I'm willing to bet that number is a lot higher... almost every man my husband has ever worked with, has cheated... most of my friends have been cheated on, or have cheated themselves....

but I can hope that I find a trustworthy man one day.... I still have hope that there are good men out there...

First, you can't trust anybody, so you plan to be alone ... is that what you're going for?

I honestly never wanted to get married... but it happened... being alone might be exactly what I need... who knows tho...

a WS who fixes himself is a lot better bet than someone who hasn't gone through this crap for a good M

maybe.... it's hard for me to believe that my H is a lot better than any other man who has never been through an A... my H has probably hurt me beyond repairing our M.. are you saying that I most likely won't find a man who will treat me better...? bc they haven't been through this A crap..? that hurts.. if you mean something else, please let me know...


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

devastated30


lhl-Sometimes this is a deal breaker for the BS. There is no shame in that. It is a little too soon, IMHO, to make a final decision on ending my marriage, but everyone is different and maybe you know yourself better than I know me. You need to do what is Right for you and your family unit. Not all marriages are "happily ever after".

it might be a deal breaker for me.... I just don't have the strength to do what I feel is necessary..... this shit sux


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you. I could have written that myself. I have waive red between staying and going so much. People say wait a while, and I see that point completely because feelings away. However, my feelings go more and more towards D as time goes on even though he is doing the right things. I truly believe this can be a deal breaker. It's all in how each person is wired: some deal differently than others. Good luck to you!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 885 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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