You want your life back, go get it. You once didn't need this kind of man. You don't now.
Said he is happier sleeping on the floor of our restaurant
You don't want to hear about his life and he doesn't get to hear about yours anymore. No more contact.
The ladies in divorce forum are excellent with helping to learn what you need to respond to and what you don't.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
I have read your profile. So sorry you are back here again.
Don't let him make the decisons. make them yourself. Don't wait around for him to decide what he wants to do. I am quite new here and my experience is different from yours, but the overwhelming advice I have read on this site is for you to be pro-active, if he won't consider coming back and reconciling, then go and see a lawyer, start the ball rolling for D. either it will shock him into coming back and trying for R or the Divorce will happen, but either way you will have an answer. You can't live your life in this way, it is not good for you.
Do you really want your old life back, with all the constant worrying etc. NO - you need a new life whether working together with him in a true reconciliation, or without him, however hard that may be.
I am sure others will be along soon with much more helpful advice/ideas, but please think of yourself. you can't keep hurting like this and letting him have the power to keep hurting you.
He doesn't love and respect you any more ? then you must love and respect yourself. you do NOT deserve this from him.
My heart is hurting so much for you! I wish there were a way to make this easier. Your WH is a pod person now though and an awful one at that! But of course you still want your old loving husband back and also to feel like you are able to control your future.
Those feelings are so natural but at the same time that you have to acknowledge them you also have to try to accept this new situation and also to realize how much more you deserve. That's the only 'solution'--moving away from him. I know it's not what your heart wants but he is only going to hurt you.
Have you seen a lawyer? Use the 180, find the strength you have deep within, and be as good to yourself as you can right now. We're all here to help walk this hard path with you as much as we can.
I know, it is so much easier to give the right advice than it is for the receiver to carry it out.
i understand, you know what you SHOULD do and what is the Best to do BUT its not what your heart wants to do.
Trying to be positive for you for what you want,
has he not mentioned Divorce? if not maybe it is not what he really wants but he really needs a HUGE kick up the ass to make him realise it.
If you really want him back no matter what, you have to accept that it won't happen if you beg him and appear needy. Please get on with your own life, find new interests, do not let him see you pining for him and waiting for his calls. let him see that you CAN function without him and can enjoy your life without him, (even if you are crying into your pillow every night) do not let him see this. He needs to see you as a strong, capeble women, who has her own intersts and life. Let him see the women you used to be before he caused this devestation in your life.
If nothing else, this will also make you stronger and give you your self- respect back. You may even then get the strength down the line to carry out the advice that you yourself would give to your daughter. or if R does happen, it will give you the strength to demand that it be on your terms.
keep your head up and remember, he is the idiot in this, not you.
You can do this. It will be hard to overcome years of conditioning, but the real, strong you is in there. You just have to find her again.
So many BS on this site have re-found themselves, you can too. And if you feel a back-slide coming on. Come onto this site, read and post until the feeling goes.
I will be keeping everything crossed for you. Take care and be strong
So here's the list:
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)