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Newest Member: ReasonableDoubt (44577)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stupid stupid stupid
sweetangelbroken
♀ Member
Member # 27191
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to dinner with him last night. I thought he would say he was sorry he loves me he wants to move back home. Nope. Said he is happier sleeping on the floor of our restaurant less stress than living a lie here. Says he hasn't been "in love" for a long time. Says he wouldn't have cheated if he really loved me. Says he feels no passion for me and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life living like roommates
His online profiles boast of a passionate caring man with so much to give. Gag me. He enjoys preparing dinner while sipping wine. Who taught the man how to cook?
Why does he get to make every decision? Why is my life turned upside down? I'm so sad. I want my life back


married 28 years
dday 12/5/09
life is not about waiting for the storm to pass..it is about learning to dance in the rain

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: chicagoland
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, This man is not near worthy of you.

You want your life back, go get it. You once didn't need this kind of man. You don't now.

Said he is happier sleeping on the floor of our restaurant

Wife, "Good, then you just stay sleeping on the floor" bye.

Posts: 2671 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop talking to him. He's only going to hurt you. No more meeting and if possible stick to email/text for $ discussions.

You don't want to hear about his life and he doesn't get to hear about yours anymore. No more contact.

The ladies in divorce forum are excellent with helping to learn what you need to respond to and what you don't.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say good riddance. He is not good for you at all. I know it's hard to see right now. But he's no good for you. Work on you now.

(((Sweetangelbroken)))


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Sweet,

I have read your profile. So sorry you are back here again.

Don't let him make the decisons. make them yourself. Don't wait around for him to decide what he wants to do. I am quite new here and my experience is different from yours, but the overwhelming advice I have read on this site is for you to be pro-active, if he won't consider coming back and reconciling, then go and see a lawyer, start the ball rolling for D. either it will shock him into coming back and trying for R or the Divorce will happen, but either way you will have an answer. You can't live your life in this way, it is not good for you.

Do you really want your old life back, with all the constant worrying etc. NO - you need a new life whether working together with him in a true reconciliation, or without him, however hard that may be.

I am sure others will be along soon with much more helpful advice/ideas, but please think of yourself. you can't keep hurting like this and letting him have the power to keep hurting you.

He doesn't love and respect you any more ? then you must love and respect yourself. you do NOT deserve this from him.

(((((hugs))))))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
sweetangelbroken
♀ Member
Member # 27191
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know. If this was my daughter my sister my friend or anybody, I would be telling her exactly what you are telling me.
I don't want to. I want my fantasy back my mind races a million miles per hour trying to find a solution


married 28 years
dday 12/5/09
life is not about waiting for the storm to pass..it is about learning to dance in the rain

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: chicagoland
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((sweetangelbroken))))

My heart is hurting so much for you! I wish there were a way to make this easier. Your WH is a pod person now though and an awful one at that! But of course you still want your old loving husband back and also to feel like you are able to control your future.

Those feelings are so natural but at the same time that you have to acknowledge them you also have to try to accept this new situation and also to realize how much more you deserve. That's the only 'solution'--moving away from him. I know it's not what your heart wants but he is only going to hurt you.

Have you seen a lawyer? Use the 180, find the strength you have deep within, and be as good to yourself as you can right now. We're all here to help walk this hard path with you as much as we can.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sweet)))

I know, it is so much easier to give the right advice than it is for the receiver to carry it out.

i understand, you know what you SHOULD do and what is the Best to do BUT its not what your heart wants to do.

Trying to be positive for you for what you want,
has he not mentioned Divorce? if not maybe it is not what he really wants but he really needs a HUGE kick up the ass to make him realise it.

If you really want him back no matter what, you have to accept that it won't happen if you beg him and appear needy. Please get on with your own life, find new interests, do not let him see you pining for him and waiting for his calls. let him see that you CAN function without him and can enjoy your life without him, (even if you are crying into your pillow every night) do not let him see this. He needs to see you as a strong, capeble women, who has her own intersts and life. Let him see the women you used to be before he caused this devestation in your life.

If nothing else, this will also make you stronger and give you your self- respect back. You may even then get the strength down the line to carry out the advice that you yourself would give to your daughter. or if R does happen, it will give you the strength to demand that it be on your terms.

keep your head up and remember, he is the idiot in this, not you.


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
sweetangelbroken
♀ Member
Member # 27191
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I am starting to realize that I have given up my self worth a little bit more every day for at least the last 4 years. It was so slow and steady that I didn't even notice it dwindling away. I've been in this situation so long it seemed normal to me. I still have a long way to go and will need to fight my urge to backslide. I can do this


married 28 years
dday 12/5/09
life is not about waiting for the storm to pass..it is about learning to dance in the rain

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: chicagoland
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atta girl

You can do this. It will be hard to overcome years of conditioning, but the real, strong you is in there. You just have to find her again.

So many BS on this site have re-found themselves, you can too. And if you feel a back-slide coming on. Come onto this site, read and post until the feeling goes.

I will be keeping everything crossed for you. Take care and be strong

((((Sweet)))))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

" AS A CHILD MY FAMILY"S MENU CONSISTED OF TWO CHOICES: TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT"-----he has made his choice,no more marriage,he does not love you-------move on the marriage and the man you had does not exist any more----your marriage has expired-----be kind to yourself---do a 180==you do not have to have contact with him---it will be difficult for you but remember ,it is better to be alone than be discarded,abused,ignored,hurt and disrespected by the person who vowed to love you,but is now throwing you out of his life-----be good to yourself and let him go,he is not worth fighting for

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
sweetangelbroken
♀ Member
Member # 27191
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Can someone please give me better directions to read about 180. I have looked and looked but nothing is titled 180. Or maybe it is, my consternation skills are a bit lacking lol


married 28 years
dday 12/5/09
life is not about waiting for the storm to pass..it is about learning to dance in the rain

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: chicagoland
sweetangelbroken
♀ Member
Member # 27191
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Can someone please give me better directions to read about 180. I have looked and looked but nothing is titled 180. Or maybe it is, my consternation skills are a bit lacking lol


married 28 years
dday 12/5/09
life is not about waiting for the storm to pass..it is about learning to dance in the rain

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: chicagoland
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

11.Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It
A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 455 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Topic Posts: 14

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