Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: jdubb80 (44703)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Coming to terms with WH lack of R
griefandrelief
♀ Member
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH left for OW on dday. He has come to get more stuff since and has not made any attempt to apologize or help with the responsibilities I have had to shoulder to get the house ready to sell, take care of the children, take care of the pets, and generally just survive as a single parent. When we did meet, he was hostile and didn't even want to hear about the children and issues I was dealing with regarding them and school.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I "lost" some sort of battle for my H that I didn't even know I was part of. I thought that 20 years of marriage would have caused much more compassion. I was wrong. Apparently, I was wrong about who I thought my WH was. As I look back on my life with him, I see many times when he didn't make my happiness a priority (or even a consideration), from before we married, even. His needs were always the most important and he had no ability to delay gratification.

I am gradually shifting from being sad because I lost my H to being sad because I spent so much energy on a M that just wasn't worth it. I accepted crumbs and even kicks (both metaphorical and physical) throughout my M because he was the first person to love me, or say he did. My self esteem never improved while I was in the M. I can remember only a handful of times when I truly felt cherished and loved - everything else I remember I was accepting so much less than I deserved.

My life is going to be different with being D. But I am going to do things to make MYSELF happy, and not rely on someone else to do that. I hug and tell my DDs every day that I love them. I engage them in conversation and planning for our "new" lives, and I am showing them that lies are not something that we must live with, nor is disrespect or ignoring behavior. My girls are going to benefit from this. I know I will eventually. This is not what I expected when I fell in love at age 21 with the only boy who ever wanted me physically and expressed his love for me, but it is my NEW reality.

I hope one day that WH has the guts to truly look at himself and what he did, and what he lost with our wonderful, comfortable, and loving family, and can truly be R. But I can't hold my breath, I know.

Can hardly wait until I move away and start a fresh, new life. Cheers to everyone on SI who is looking for the same fresh start. I wish you well.


Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear more strength and acceptance in your post.

(((griefandrelief)))

What helped me most at this stage of grief was a book titled “Journey From Abandonment To Healing” by Susan Anderson.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My life is going to be different with being D. But I am going to do things to make MYSELF happy, and not rely on someone else to do that. I hug and tell my DDs every day that I love them. I engage them in conversation and planning for our "new" lives, and I am showing them that lies are not something that we must live with, nor is disrespect or ignoring behavior. My girls are going to benefit from this. I know I will eventually.

This is such a mature, positive thing to read, ((G+R)). Wishing you well.

LA44


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you to see the silver lining around this pile of shit they put us through.
I have the same kind of thoughts, looking back at my 20 years with WH, realizing how little he put into the M and how much I did. How desperately I tried to make him happy, be what he wanted me to be.
I decided early on that I don't want to hold on to bitterness when I come to those realizations. I tell myself to draw strength from them rather than regret. To look forward to not having to deal with that anymore, rather than to look back with anger at all the "wasted years". Because they are what they are, we can't change them, just learn & go forward.

Easier said than done some days. But we will get there.


Me- BS-42
Him-WS-41
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 14
OW- old girlfriend from High School

We are done.


Posts: 165 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post and its reference to a battle makes me think of another SI user's handle, "I'm not the winner, I'm the prize." I always liked that. You ARE a prize. And you don't want to win a battle to be with someone who can't cherish you!

So glad the job of cherishing you is back in good, no great, hands...your own.

Sending you some extra peace and strength .


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize

I have seen this too, Norabird. A good quote to tape in every room of the house!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Lost15
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I was reading your post I felt as though I was reading my own. There are so many similarities. I still have my moments where I feel weak and I miss him. But I am starting to realize my M wasn't completely what I thought it was.


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
griefandrelief
♀ Member
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IwantDoOver, I did read that book. It was interesting. Some parts were helpful and others not so much.

LA thanks for the kudos! I am feeling mature. I have asked a friend who was wildly successful in business yo mentor me to help me make some career changes and get me and my girls moved the hell to the UK where I really feel we need to be. And I have started to ask people for help and they are thrilled to be asked and want to help! I would never have done that before.

Virginiagirl, I have been desperately afraid of bitterness and not being able to get beyond it as well. I wish you strength to keep out of that trap!

Norabird, I have seen that as well and it sounds good but I figure I am still a ways and sevw IC sessions away from truly believing I am a prize. But I am work on it!

Thanks, all. ((((SI mentors and friends))))


Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.