I'm coming to terms with the fact that I "lost" some sort of battle for my H that I didn't even know I was part of. I thought that 20 years of marriage would have caused much more compassion. I was wrong. Apparently, I was wrong about who I thought my WH was. As I look back on my life with him, I see many times when he didn't make my happiness a priority (or even a consideration), from before we married, even. His needs were always the most important and he had no ability to delay gratification.
I am gradually shifting from being sad because I lost my H to being sad because I spent so much energy on a M that just wasn't worth it. I accepted crumbs and even kicks (both metaphorical and physical) throughout my M because he was the first person to love me, or say he did. My self esteem never improved while I was in the M. I can remember only a handful of times when I truly felt cherished and loved - everything else I remember I was accepting so much less than I deserved.
My life is going to be different with being D. But I am going to do things to make MYSELF happy, and not rely on someone else to do that. I hug and tell my DDs every day that I love them. I engage them in conversation and planning for our "new" lives, and I am showing them that lies are not something that we must live with, nor is disrespect or ignoring behavior. My girls are going to benefit from this. I know I will eventually. This is not what I expected when I fell in love at age 21 with the only boy who ever wanted me physically and expressed his love for me, but it is my NEW reality.
I hope one day that WH has the guts to truly look at himself and what he did, and what he lost with our wonderful, comfortable, and loving family, and can truly be R. But I can't hold my breath, I know.
Can hardly wait until I move away and start a fresh, new life. Cheers to everyone on SI who is looking for the same fresh start. I wish you well.
What helped me most at this stage of grief was a book titled “Journey From Abandonment To Healing” by Susan Anderson.
My life is going to be different with being D. But I am going to do things to make MYSELF happy, and not rely on someone else to do that. I hug and tell my DDs every day that I love them. I engage them in conversation and planning for our "new" lives, and I am showing them that lies are not something that we must live with, nor is disrespect or ignoring behavior. My girls are going to benefit from this. I know I will eventually.
This is such a mature, positive thing to read, ((G+R)). Wishing you well.
Easier said than done some days. But we will get there.
We are done.
So glad the job of cherishing you is back in good, no great, hands...your own.
Sending you some extra peace and strength .
I'm not the winner, I'm the prize
I have seen this too, Norabird. A good quote to tape in every room of the house!
LA thanks for the kudos! I am feeling mature. I have asked a friend who was wildly successful in business yo mentor me to help me make some career changes and get me and my girls moved the hell to the UK where I really feel we need to be. And I have started to ask people for help and they are thrilled to be asked and want to help! I would never have done that before.
Virginiagirl, I have been desperately afraid of bitterness and not being able to get beyond it as well. I wish you strength to keep out of that trap!
Norabird, I have seen that as well and it sounds good but I figure I am still a ways and sevw IC sessions away from truly believing I am a prize. But I am work on it!
Thanks, all. ((((SI mentors and friends))))