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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Snooping and found something I didn't want to see...
lilmonkey
♀ New Member
Member # 41682
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am shaking as I type this, I don't know what to think...

WBF and I have had a pretty successful R, he is extremely remorseful. For those who haven't read my original post (it is very long), basically my WBF cheated on me with his best friend of 6 years. They had dated on and off but she eventually decided that it was ruining their friendship so they stayed friends. As soon as he and I got together, she changed her mind.

Anyway, it was very hard for him to give up their friendship/stop talking but he finally did. I snoop his facebook and emails a lot (he doesn't know I have access to them) and there is nothing. He doesn't talk to her, he boasts to all his friends about how much he loves me, how happy he is, and her name is never mentioned.

I was on his computer today and went to his history to check for a link that I had previously visited. What do I see? Her name (from facebook), meaning that he had looked at her profile. So I keep scrolling. Her name, again.
Her name, again.

He has looked at her profile once every day for the past week. I didn't request that he remove her from social media because she is in the same social circle as us and it would cause a lot of tension between her friends and ours. We also don't want anyone to find out and it would be a lot more obvious if they suddenly deleted each other on FB. So I figure he probably was just looking at her profile to see what's going on in her life, considering they don't talk anymore and they used to be best friends. She is extremely socially active and has a lot of pictures uploaded daily, so I'm thinking he just clicks her stuff when she pops up. However, I also noticed that I don't show up at all. He "lurks" his ex-girlfriend more than he "lurks" his own. It hurst even more than I find her very attractive and maybe he looks at her pictures and compares her to me. He doesn't go through a million of her photos though, it's just one profile click a day, maybe every 2 days. Either way, it fucking hurts.

I'm stuck in a really awkward position. This isn't cheating, he hasn't spoken to her in months but I guess it hurts to feel like he misses her or that she was once a part of his life and he's curious about her. I just wish he would erase her from his memories.

I confronted him about it and he said "I don't look at her profile, what are you talking about" and I told him "Go check your internet history and then explain that to me" to which he responded "Oh my god" and walked away. I haven't heard from him since. I think he is emotionally confused because one day I tell him I forgive him and the next minute I am shaking with rage.

I don't know how to handle this situation. Plus, he never contacts me when I'm upset - I always have to contact him and tell him to apologize (he is very bad with confrontation). But this time I DON'T WANT TO. I want him to come to me, no questions asked, and explain to me WTF is going on.

I am trying so hard to be strong but this was really painful to see, even if it was just looking at her profile...


Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
ineedtoleave
♀ Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion: He didn't explain because he CAN'T... the truth would hurt you.... Don't let him turn it on you by saying how awful it is of you to 'snoop'.... (((lilmonkey)))


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 958 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it hurts to feel like he misses her or that she was once a part of his life and he's curious about her. I just wish he would erase her from his memories.

Can you say exactly this to him?

I think once you have the answers to Does he miss her truly? Is he fishing? Or is it just some lingering yet diminishing curiousity? then based on the answers to these questions, what can you live with.

Can you live with it if he is going to keep pining for her?

it's a tough situation, we can't be the mind police. But at the same time intimacy exists in the mind as well as the body, and there should be no room in a committed man's mind for pining for another woman.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 346 | Registered: Feb 2014
Aceofbase
♂ Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I noticed the same thing from my WW. I confronted her on on it and she wasn't to happy with me. I asked how do you think it makes me feel when I find out that you have searched for his name on facebook or the internet? She later confided that looked at her former boyfriends site. I said that was normal to wonder want old flames (20 plus year) are up to. But wondering what an EA OM man is doing is just wrong. I am happy and sad that this happened because I did know the correct way to handle this problem until I found this site. NC, Transparency talking about the affair. Before I/We were sweeping everything under the rug like it didn't happen.

Together we are stronger. ((lilmonkey))


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm stuck in a really awkward position. This isn't cheating, he hasn't spoken to her in months

Actually lmonkey, it is cheating. His head is still emotionally attached to this person. I would (gently) not consider myself to be in R if my fWH was looking at the AP's fb page.

He has looked at her profile once every day for the past week. I didn't request that he remove her from social media because she is in the same social circle as us and it would cause a lot of tension between her friends and ours

Again. True R is not possible with the WS is looking at the AP's page. You actually should not have to request he remove her from fb. He should automatically do that. That is remorseful behavior. It is also a High Cost Behaviour as per Janis A Spring's book, After the Affair.

As for the "tension" it would cause between friends. I don't get how they should even matter at a time like this. #1, I doubt they would even notice the deletion. I certainly don't notice who has deleted someone from their Friends and #2, they are not worth more then your peace of mind.

I think he is emotionally confused because one day I tell him I forgive him and the next minute I am shaking with rage.

He's actually emotionally immature by mumbling "oh my god" and walking away. He needs to apologize.

Forgiveness is earned over time with consistent, remorseful and transparent behavior.


[This message edited by LA44 at 2:41 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have have an ex-girlfriend that I check on via facebook very often, and I really don't do the facebook crap. Not the least bit interested in her other that platonic stuff.

My case is probably different in that I'm a middle-aged guy reading her facebook page just because she uses it all the time. She's got a huge family so she's always got some story to tell.

I'm happy for her, she's been happily married to a nice guy for many years, despite getting married during high school....Could it be possible he's similarly curious? Probably a stretch?

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 2:41 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
lilmonkey
♀ New Member
Member # 41682
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the advice. I appreciate it throughout this difficult time... I am waiting to see if he contacts me to explain first, as I always feel that I am the one reaching out to him. He is extremely bad with confronting his emotions.

My WBF is extremely transparent with me. I have almost all his passwords to everything and he leaves me with his phone, his journal, his FB on, all the time. The reason I do not ask for his FB password is because I feel like he would be more inclined to delete things if he knew that I had access to them.

((LA44)) I understand you are trying to be helpful, but I still consider myself in R. This is the first time I have ever found something like this from my WBF. I snoop quite often with him and find nothing, yet this pops up. I don't think he is emotionally attached to her anymore, in fact he doesn't even know her anymore (they haven't spoken in months, haven't been friends since last July) but I think there is a curiosity there of what she is up to. Nonetheless, it is still very painful and he should never have done it considering who she is and what she did to our relationship.

I also think deleting her from FB would cause her to contact him. She has not spoken to him in months and I'm worried that him deleting her would trigger her to message him and say something or ask questions. I really want to avoid that.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lilmonkey, you need to have boundaries in place to make you feel safe. WBF looking at her FB page does not make you feel safe. This is not NC and you need NC. Why would him deleting her cause her to message him? They are no longer in contact and she knows why, correct? And the understanding between you two is there will never be any contact, right? She can't expect him to still treat her as if there is no rift, there is, that is why they don't talk. I understand your fearing poking the bear, giving her a reason to contact. What do you think your BF will do if she contacts him? Not just in this instance but for any future reason? Is that established between you?
Bottom line, he should not be looking at her FB. She should be blocked. Real issue, why is he looking? It hurts when he does and he needs to change that.
I hope he calls you. I know that is what you need.
When you do talk, ask why he was looking. If the reason is ok with you then establish future boundaries.

((lm))) I am sorry you are hurting.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is emotionally confused because one day I tell him I forgive him and the next minute I am shaking with rage.

No, I think he walked away because he got busted for a big liar, and he needed to figure out what he was going to say next.

I also think deleting her from FB would cause her to contact him.

And if it did? Then he should shut her down and tell you.

I'm not saying this can't work, and I understand not sharing how you verify, but you need a draw a hard line here. He is tending, weeding and watering his feelings for her by looking at her profile. He is deliberately choosing to keep those feelings alive.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8807 | Registered: Jan 2008
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 him...he is still into her if he is FB stalking her. As long as he is still stalking her, he is not working on R. Block her name on FB so he can't view her profile.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
lilmonkey
♀ New Member
Member # 41682
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I just call him now? Or do I wait for him to contact me? I hate sitting here and wondering or knowing that we aren't in a good place... I like to deal with issues immediately, not let them soak in.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't torture yourself. Call him.
Calmly, cooly, say--WBF....I am really hurt and scared by what I found out and your reaction made those feelings way worse. I really need to know what is going on...can you start by telling me why you just walked away? Or something to that effect.

(((lilmonkey)))


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand you are trying to be helpful, but I still consider myself in R.

Of course. That is understandable. He needs to consider himself in R too. And he is simply not working on R if he is looking at her fb page.

This is the first time I have ever found something like this from my WBF.

And I really hope it is the last time. NC is not just in the physical sense - touching, talking, connecting. NC is in the mental state as well. It takes time to get there....but it will take longer with him following her.

I hope you have spoken by now and that he has apologized to you. As MIP suggested, set up some boundaries that help you feel safe, and carry on.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you picture living like this for the rest of your life?

You gave him a second chance and he's shown you who he is. Believe him.

Walk away now. Don't invest anymore of your time and energy with him.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6508 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Topic Posts: 14

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