I understand why you hurt. I don't think there is a gentle way to say he doesn't get it. Everything that means is pretty overwhelming. Let that trip and his comments show though, that he doesn't get it. And if you are staying together you will not be able to heal if he doesn't get it,
I went a long while where I hurt and felt uneasy. We mostly stayed home and the thought of going to the grocery store alone no longer felt so difficult. Things seemed to be settling in in some way. Then something would happen.
This went on for several years and it's so painful. Each time the "something" was different. Once was a father's day breakfast with his dad. Once was a comment he made to a friend. Another was a trip just he and I and the kids took. So the circumstances of each "something" were different but each one caused a reaction that was so very painful.
He didn't get it. Each time he did or didn't do something that made it very clear he didn't get it. Which meant that even though time had passed, we had not been healing.
It's taken a very long time to get him to understand and I'm still not certain things will be ok.
We tell you this because we want to help you avoid this same pain. His comments are symptoms of him not getting it. They are reminders that things may not end up ok. Please take action on all of these things, every single time they are happening.
It's not on you to get through this alone and it's not healthy for your relationship to attempt to. Tell him, each time and tell him how it makes you feel.
What has he done to show that healing the marriage is a priority for him? He should still be in weekly IC. You are doomed without that. What books have you read together? Tell him what you need for triggers and he should innact those things immediately.
Don't ignore the symptoms. They are a sign you aren't healing and could very well end up in the same place that got you here. He needs to get it, for your marriage to have a chance. You need to demand he takes actions to help himself get it.
This sucks. It totally sucks and is the most painful thing ever. There is no part way healing. You feel healed or you don't. Demand true and total healing for your marriage. He should be the leader for this, not you. You might have to tell him that part though. Make it a requirement.
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.