Facepunched, I don't even know what boundaries are anymore, esp don't know how to have the power to have them and make sure they are enforced and what to make as a consequence and how enact it. You kinda have to have someone first who wants to know what your boundaries are. Probably don't need to know anymore but that whole thing there is about power and I have none, do not come from a place of power.
I think you know exactly what you need to do: you need to sit down and tell him exactly what the expectations are for anyone who wants to be married to you. And you need to do this based off of what you actually what from a husband, without tailoring it to what you think he needs or wants to hear to keep him in the picture.
In short, you need to set your boundaries and detach. You mentioned that you need a partner who's willing to respect your boundaries in order to have them, and I could not disagree more. Your boundaries about what you will tolerate are all about YOU. Detaching, the 180, whatever you want to call it....it's not about the other person, ever. It's not about trying to change the other person in any way to become the person we want them to be, it's about removing the 'hooks' that we have emotionally attached to them that make us feel tethered and yanked about.
In short, it's about us. About finally saying to ourselves, "I know what the healthiest choice is for me....and that's what I'm going to go after, consequences be damned."
I'm going to channel/plagarize wincing_at_light here, but the very worst thing that can happen is that you lose a cheating husband....and you know how much those are worth, anyway.
You need to stop and ask yourself why you would want to R with a man who has proven to be a long term liar and cheat ?
Why would you want to be abused the rest of your life like this?
Would you want your kids to be afraid of their spouse and blame themselves for their partners shortcomings?
Go get a lawyer and find out what your right are and his obligations are. You deserve so much more in life. Think how happy you will be when you only have to worry about yourself and your child.
Quit letting fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, and most of all fear of a ruthless jerk leaving you destitute, from. Living the life you deserve.
Fear is your driving emotion now. Put fear aside and look at it as a rational outsider. With a competent lawyer you will get a fair and equal outcome in D.
Now go dig in your closet back there behind the old shoes under the dresses. Dig em out you have a fabulous pair of red leather stiletto thigh high Bitch Boots. Now strap them on and take control. We got your back.
Tush Nurse, I will put my bitch boots on. But I think if I can I will hide them under a long skirt. I hope that he defuses and does not leave tomorrow. Because I want to get my ducks in a perfect row with him none the wiser if possible. And then I will feel that power that you say I have FacePunched (hate calling you that :)
If he stays tomorrow, if there is a lull, I am going into action quietly, become a subversive and that's where my energies will go. Then at that time the boundaries with the ultimatums will be thrown down. He can dance or not dance, his choice, I will have my exit plan. I will feel safe.
He came home a couple hours ago. I immediately went on the phone for a long conversation with my son. WH went in basement, nothing said to me. I think I hear him going out now, maybe to shovel the new present from the polar vortex. I am going to go pour a huge glass of baileys on the rocks. Watch some SNL, have a laugh.
We shall see what tomorrow will bring.
Love to you all, you are my strength.
I see no sign of his packing anything....damn
he's gone now
blissful silence not rage filled
Do I even want to bother putting a gps in his car? I just got one and ....just so tired of it all
You need to see irrefutable evidence.
I can see that you are being worn down...but now you have a better understanding of "WHY' he is trying to wear you down. You can see through the bluster and really see him for what he really is...a liar, a cheat and delusional bully.
I have said this before, he is not worthy of your grace and loving loyalty.
Unfortunately you are suffering. But I can feel that your Give. A. Shit. is just about broke.
And like StillLivin said, let that skirt be a short one. Be proud to don those Bitch Boots and let the whole world see you strut them with pride and confidence!
Go ahead, pierce that Bully Bubble that your WH has wrapped himself with those fab BB stilettos.
That will be that start of a lot of changes in your realm Queen MIP!
Hang in there and stick with your plan of seeing a lawyer. Get your ducks in order and then...Let Her Rip!
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Have you called a lawyer yet today???
Please do so. Start moving on getting those ducks into a row.
You deserve much more in life, time to go get it.
Is it ok if I cry in the lawyer's office? Should I go by myself or ask my sister to go with? She is not much emotional support but....
Maybe go by myself for first appt.
I have been trying to get this GPS thing I have to actually work and that's frustrated me. I find it hard to focus.
Also, he took my son's car to work today and I never know what car he will drive so may have to get another. I really want to know if there is still contact. Actually would make me strangely feel better if I know there is because I will know that is what is allowing him to be so cruel.
Continues to ignore me. At times I am paralyzed by the pain of that. My abdominal muscles clench and I shiver.
It is him withholding love/affection from me which hurts but it also takes away from me someone for me to give the love I have in me to. Do you know what I mean? It feels good in life to not only be loved but to give love and those are both gone now. In an instant.
I did consider the coke thing too. It's possible but I
don't think so....The rage was just so scary and illogical. When I am angry I want the other person to answer to what I am mad about but he wanted to hear nothing from me. I know he was unable to deal with the negative information I found and so turned the tables.
Hugs right back to you all.
Realize just how awful this silence is for me, how easy he has it. He never has to worry one second what I am doing or where I am or who I am with during this silence. He does not have this torture. He knows I am good, decent, faithful. What an ass.
I think this thread should not be in R anymore. I feel like I am intruding this ugliness into a good place.