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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He says we're through
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched, I don't even know what boundaries are anymore, esp don't know how to have the power to have them and make sure they are enforced and what to make as a consequence and how enact it. You kinda have to have someone first who wants to know what your boundaries are. Probably don't need to know anymore but that whole thing there is about power and I have none, do not come from a place of power.
See, here's where I think you're selling yourself short. You have all the power you could ever need. You just have to utilize it. You have to let go of the outcome. From what I can tell, your husband has been disrespecting you for damn-near a decade.

I think you know exactly what you need to do: you need to sit down and tell him exactly what the expectations are for anyone who wants to be married to you. And you need to do this based off of what you actually what from a husband, without tailoring it to what you think he needs or wants to hear to keep him in the picture.

In short, you need to set your boundaries and detach. You mentioned that you need a partner who's willing to respect your boundaries in order to have them, and I could not disagree more. Your boundaries about what you will tolerate are all about YOU. Detaching, the 180, whatever you want to call it....it's not about the other person, ever. It's not about trying to change the other person in any way to become the person we want them to be, it's about removing the 'hooks' that we have emotionally attached to them that make us feel tethered and yanked about.

In short, it's about us. About finally saying to ourselves, "I know what the healthiest choice is for me....and that's what I'm going to go after, consequences be damned."

I'm going to channel/plagarize wincing_at_light here, but the very worst thing that can happen is that you lose a cheating husband....and you know how much those are worth, anyway.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mainly. Honey you are so caught up in. This assholes cycle of abuse you can't see the fires for the trees.

You need to stop and ask yourself why you would want to R with a man who has proven to be a long term liar and cheat ?
Why would you want to be abused the rest of your life like this?
Would you want your kids to be afraid of their spouse and blame themselves for their partners shortcomings?

Go get a lawyer and find out what your right are and his obligations are. You deserve so much more in life. Think how happy you will be when you only have to worry about yourself and your child.

Quit letting fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, and most of all fear of a ruthless jerk leaving you destitute, from. Living the life you deserve.

Fear is your driving emotion now. Put fear aside and look at it as a rational outsider. With a competent lawyer you will get a fair and equal outcome in D.

Now go dig in your closet back there behind the old shoes under the dresses. Dig em out you have a fabulous pair of red leather stiletto thigh high Bitch Boots. Now strap them on and take control. We got your back.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8447 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am and have been ruled by fear. These rages....they are all post A, he was not this man before. But that was a long time ago. And although he has said he wants to be the man he was twenty years ago...he is the only one who can make that happen and none of this is the man he was twenty years ago. My father would rage and rage and I think this is what paralyzes me sometimes or makes me accept it. I would run for cover with my father's rage and I actually adapted a happy-go-lucky demeanor around him to defuse. To placate.
His psych at one time proposed possible bipolar II for him. Don't know if these rages are part of that or not.
He is just so far gone. So many years of lies and deceit. I don't think he knows who he is. And he wants to blame anyone but himself. I can't help him. There I said it. But I sooo much want to. My heart soo much wants to. As if he were my child. Over myself I always choose what he needs. I try to get what I need from him but I settle for what I get instead.
I don't want to be with someone who wants to bring me down, denigrate me. Who will do to me what he did and then at times of rage tell me what he thinks is wrong with me and not in a helpful you need to fix this but in a you are disgusting and beneath me, less worthy than me, kind of a way. Begone....we're over. That is not love. It can't be. I could never hurt him like that. My heart would not allow it.
There is something wrong with this kind of rage. It accomplishes nothing except I guess for him to unleash his demons and make me feel as bad as he does. Which is sad. I don't want him to feel such pain.

Tush Nurse, I will put my bitch boots on. But I think if I can I will hide them under a long skirt. I hope that he defuses and does not leave tomorrow. Because I want to get my ducks in a perfect row with him none the wiser if possible. And then I will feel that power that you say I have FacePunched (hate calling you that :)
If he stays tomorrow, if there is a lull, I am going into action quietly, become a subversive and that's where my energies will go. Then at that time the boundaries with the ultimatums will be thrown down. He can dance or not dance, his choice, I will have my exit plan. I will feel safe.

He came home a couple hours ago. I immediately went on the phone for a long conversation with my son. WH went in basement, nothing said to me. I think I hear him going out now, maybe to shovel the new present from the polar vortex. I am going to go pour a huge glass of baileys on the rocks. Watch some SNL, have a laugh.

We shall see what tomorrow will bring.
Love to you all, you are my strength.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mainlyinpain,
Honey, I want you to think of your children. Pretend you are putting up boundaries for someone bullying them. Take yourself out of the situation for a minute.
Then you will see where your boundaries are.
He is not going to stop abusing you and controlling you until you put your foot down.
The others have already told you so I won't harp on the other issues. You have some really great advice. If you start to doubt yourself, then post hear.
Oh, and I hope it's a mini skirt with those bitch boots. They don't do a damn bit o'good if you don't model them bad boys off.
You need to start standing up for yourself. Being abused is so demoralizing. After a while you don't know which way is up.
You could really use a hug!
(((mainlyinpain)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still silent treatment today, except last night he opened the door to the room I was in and accused me of taking his phone....no....no....I did not....looks at me disgustedly....then he just leaves. Go find your own phone....

I see no sign of his packing anything....damn

he's gone now
blissful silence not rage filled

Do I even want to bother putting a gps in his car? I just got one and ....just so tired of it all


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.

You need to see irrefutable evidence.

I can see that you are being worn down...but now you have a better understanding of "WHY' he is trying to wear you down. You can see through the bluster and really see him for what he really is...a liar, a cheat and delusional bully.

I have said this before, he is not worthy of your grace and loving loyalty.

Unfortunately you are suffering. But I can feel that your Give. A. Shit. is just about broke.

And like StillLivin said, let that skirt be a short one. Be proud to don those Bitch Boots and let the whole world see you strut them with pride and confidence!

Go ahead, pierce that Bully Bubble that your WH has wrapped himself with those fab BB stilettos.

That will be that start of a lot of changes in your realm Queen MIP!

Hang in there and stick with your plan of seeing a lawyer. Get your ducks in order and then...Let Her Rip!

(((((Queen MIP)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please; another factor complicating this is the drug use. cocaine and rage go hand in hand and have been known to cause violent behavior during conflict. This is NOT a safe environment for you. Keeping the peace until you are safe and have your divorce underway may have to be the way to go in order to protect yourself. However, the knowledge that you are taking control of the situation and taking action will be enough empowerment to get through this difficult time. Please do not continue this life. He clearly does not value what you have right now, and you cannot fix that. If you were successful with his entire list of "must fixes" he would still not be satisfied because this is NOT about YOU. It is about him and he is broken with no desire to help you heal from what he has done to you. You are worthy of FAR better than this. ((HUGS)).


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((MIP))))

Have you called a lawyer yet today???
Please do so. Start moving on getting those ducks into a row.

You deserve much more in life, time to go get it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8447 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for asking Tushnurse,
I am looking and googling to find one and to figure out what I need to have, what info, papers, etc. I am afraid to pick the wrong lawyer. I am moving slow but I am moving. It hurts. I have a counselor appt on Wed. I hope he will help me focus. When I made the appt it was to be for MC but I will use him as an IC I think maybe. Anyway I have that appt so will keep.

Is it ok if I cry in the lawyer's office? Should I go by myself or ask my sister to go with? She is not much emotional support but....
Maybe go by myself for first appt.

I have been trying to get this GPS thing I have to actually work and that's frustrated me. I find it hard to focus.
Also, he took my son's car to work today and I never know what car he will drive so may have to get another. I really want to know if there is still contact. Actually would make me strangely feel better if I know there is because I will know that is what is allowing him to be so cruel.

Continues to ignore me. At times I am paralyzed by the pain of that. My abdominal muscles clench and I shiver.
It is him withholding love/affection from me which hurts but it also takes away from me someone for me to give the love I have in me to. Do you know what I mean? It feels good in life to not only be loved but to give love and those are both gone now. In an instant.

Never,
I did consider the coke thing too. It's possible but I
don't think so....The rage was just so scary and illogical. When I am angry I want the other person to answer to what I am mad about but he wanted to hear nothing from me. I know he was unable to deal with the negative information I found and so turned the tables.
Such sadness.

Hugs right back to you all.

MIP



DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, awful feeling. He was supposed to be at work tonight but comes home, changes clothes, and leaves. No word of course. I start to feel major anxiety, what is going on behind my back? He is driving my son's car ....I don't want AP in my son's car. He probably is not doing anything but I have to have this anxiety. So I have to call my brother and humiliate myself and ask if maybe my husband is playing basketball with him tonight? He says he thinks he is.

Realize just how awful this silence is for me, how easy he has it. He never has to worry one second what I am doing or where I am or who I am with during this silence. He does not have this torture. He knows I am good, decent, faithful. What an ass.
I think this thread should not be in R anymore. I feel like I am intruding this ugliness into a good place.
Sorry.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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