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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Holy Game Changer!
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-day was 2 weeks ago today. The other woman was a travel companion from work who set her sites on my husband and eventually got her way. Repeatedly

Here is where I need support. Up until d-day, I had an amazing marriage! We had been married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. We had endured everything and of course there were many awful times along the way. In fact three years ago, we were at such a low, that I was sure it was over. We healed and strengthened with the help of an amazing therapist. I am telling you this part just so you know that I am not delusional about how relationships work.

Now for the last three years, we have chosen to make our marriage the number one priority both for us and our kids. (Clearly me more then he). I read daily devotional, said daily prayers and daily made deliberate attempts to keep our love alive. Life was good! We were best friends! We laughed and played! We loved watching the kids squirm as we cuddled and kissed and danced across the kitchen. Life was good!

I am a stay at home mom.. He works from home....when not traveling. I felt it was my responsibility to give him space with work to support our large family. I was supportive when he was on his computer for long hours and supportive of his "active" travel schedule. We missed each other like crazy when he was gone. He has a successful career. He is also a flaming hot volunteer firefighter.

He cheated with a friend from work. A duhmsel in distress. Married with kids. Crappy marriage.

Our awesome therapist had some words that resonated with me. She said that a) no marriage is immune and b) you had a very long way to fall.

About me.....I am an open book. If we are friends, you get to know everything about me. No secrets, no skeletons. I am also very black and white. I see right and wrong very clearly and leave little room for gray. These are my character flaws that will likely never change.

The scorned husband is the one who told me about said relationship. He posted it all over facebook for all of our friends and family to see. I am actually not angry with him. However, our right to privacy was taken away.

On another note, my husband was very happy with our marriage throughout the affair. The secrets and spice of an affair made him a very attentive husband. Almost like a high. I am perplexed.

Am I ever going to be able to breathe again? Will I ever be able to be out of site of the bathroom again? (For fear of vomiting)

Any advice from anyone coming from a formerly crazy happy marriage would be much appreciated!


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice, just empathy. You did have a long way to fall. Your story exemplifies what is said often, that it is not an unhappy marriage that causes an A, but an unhappy person in what might be a good marriage that causes an A.

I have read that if your M was really good at one point, it makes for an easier R, as you can reach back to that point in your M.

Sorry that you are here.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like your therapist mentioned, marriages and people are not immune from the dark things that happen in life..Even when we are at our most happy..

Being betrayed in this manner is one of the worst things to survive..

Friends and family who reach out to us usually have a certain threshold of how long they can support us as we cry, vent, etc before saying or thinking "Move on already"

Like any body who goes thru any horrible life event we are treated like we are contagious...

Helping us reminds our friends that the carpet could be pulled out from under THEIR feet at any time in their lives..

It is this fear of not always being in control of what happens in our lives that makes us squirm...

Focus on you, who you are when you are not in the role of wife and mother..What soothes you, what makes you smile, what makes you tick..

There is a certain peace in knowing that we will be okay whether or not our marriage survives..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:16 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A duhmsel in distress.

Right outta the gate too!

Look, I am telling you - you are going to be ok.
You are asking an interesting question indeed.

The reason you mention black and white is because of the contrast btwn appearances & reality.
You might be on to something - @ how it was a kind of high for him - living a double life and getting away with it.
I disagree with this though, "YOU" didn't fall. He did.

What is he doing now to fix it?


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't say my X cheated when we were ecstatically happy, he typically treated me miserably during his A's... guilt I suppose.
I can tell you that whatever happens you will eventually feel better. It just takes a lot of time.
Meanwhile you are going through the infidelity diet. I lost 30 pounds. Start taking a multivitamin, stock up on ensure type drinks or smoothies. Sip what you can - when you can. Be as gentle with yourself as you can. Sleep whenever you can. Ugh it is so very hard in the beginning - take all the hugs you can too! (((Mommato5)))


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, though I'm very sorry you have cause to join us.

I'm glad you have what sounds like a good MC to begin with; if you become familiar with the site you'll find not everyone is so lucky.

There are a LOT of people who had very happy marriages "before"; I think the popular 'wisdom' that there's something wrong in the relationship is one of those human reactions of trying to find a way that the afflicted are different from us....and therefore, what's happened to them won't happen to us. For example, someone gets lung cancer: it creates dissonance when it can't be easily explained with a "he was a smoker" or the like.

The infidelity and cheating is a symptom, not of a broken marriage but of a broken individual. No matter how fabulous a relationship you have, no matter how wonderful a spouse you are, you cannot fill a cup with no bottom. This is why it's critical for IC for the WS to be a fundamental part of any thought of R. The cause of that giant hole in the cup needs to be found and then the hard work has to be done to fix it. Elsewise, it's highly likely it will be lather, rinse, repeat 3 or 5 or 7 years down the road.

FWIW, I was a wonderful wife, too. We had fun! I gave him space and freedom, never wanted to be one of 'those' women who would frown on some independence in the relationship, because I wanted some, too.

I'm sorry your privacy was shattered by the other BS's public airing of it all. Just remember that YOU have done NOTHING wrong; YOU have nothing to be ASHAMED of. If you choose to R, also know that it takes a lot of ongoing STRENGTH to do so...it is another thing where the general 'wisdom' is about 180 degrees off the mark.

Hang in there, and read read read read read here on SI. There is a wealth of good information here, and more help & kindness than you'll likely find anywhere else on the internet (but I'm sure by now I'm biased ).


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3890 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couple of quick points, yes it will get better but it takes time so dont be impatient with your emotions, feel them. You will go through the stages of grief here, you lost many things in this marriage that will have to be rebuilt due to your husbands choices...that is, if you decide to R. Being a black and white person may also mean you need to take time with your decisions...you may very well decide to reconcile before your husband feels the full weight of his choice, or divorce before you honestly give it a chance. If he is still foggy, do the 180, but dont kid yourself into thinking he wont have lingering effects.

This does, and should, change your perspective on your relationship as well. I have to ask if the issues you had three years ago were something other than what you and your therapist thought they were. I dont say that to create doubt, just that your husbands weakness in himself appear to be more of an issue than you and your therapist probably previously percieved, and he now has an obligation to fully disclose and be honest. Perhaps he was holding back a self esteem issue or some kind of guilt that was holding him and the marriage back and it culminated in his A.

One other point. You said something interesting, the OW's BS posted the affair on FB...so your right to privacy was taken away. This is part of the unfortunate ripple of an affair. Her BS will always have an issue with you husband and so would I. He inflicted as much pain on OW's BS as the OW did on you. Ultimately though your husband made the choice to break his vows. Not the OW. It could have been anyone. Understand that affairs devastate like a nuclear bomb. So the ultimate responsibility for losing your privacy was and is your husbands fault. No affair, no FB post. This will have to be part of his owning his shit. He has a lot of changing to do.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just described my marriage right down to the letter. There was laughter, dancing, the sound of little feet running through the house. We had our ups and downs. I had my faults and she had hers but we always pulled through and loved each other.

I was climbing the ladder at work, had a successful side business, and making more money than ever before. I evenly distributed my family time with work because my family always came first. I thought I had the perfect marriage and life.

You ask "Am I ever going to breathe again"? The answer to that is of course you will. Every day that passes is another day that takes you further away from the initial shock. You're in shock right now and rightly so.

You've got some great advice already. Keep your chin up and keep posting. The pain will numb a bit in time. It won't go away but hopefully you'll learn new and better ways to cope. I'm ten months out and have bad days, a few good ones, and some in-between.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're in this club. None of us wanted this, but I have to say you've found the greatest support group on the planet with SI.

So, I was madly in love with my H when DDay hit. I thought he walked on water. Funny, smart, witty, gorgeous, great body (works out religiously), and spoiled me. Well, that was MY version. After several weeks/months post DDay, I realized how much I had convinced myself of. I was remembering a guy from 10 years prior. Yes, he was still funny, witty, charming, smart, and gorgeous, but he hadn't been attentive in years. We were very distant. I was living in my own fog, for years.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, at all. I am only saying I understand the confusion of thinking I was living the good life with a great man, and then I discovered he was cheating. WOW! Talk about a shock to the system. I couldn't even believe it. For a week I kept thinking I had to be in a nightmare. There's no way he would cheat on me!

Your IC is right - no one is immune. The long way to fall? Well, there are a lot of ways to interpret that. I fell a long way too, although I shouldn't have. The depth of the fall depends, imo, on how highly the WS and the marriage are valued to the BS. You thought your marriage was perfect (at that time). You had been together for so long, you thought you knew him thru and thru. You thought you knew there's no way he'd cheat. I did too. Finding out that was incorrect was the most horrific experience of my life. My entire world was set on fire, and all I could do was stand there watching it burn. I couldn't save it because it never existed. He would cheat. I didn't know my own husband like I thought I did. I wasn't as important to him as I thought I was. All of it. Just a complete shock. These are the reasons, I believe, that BSs often suffer from PTSD. Just my opinion, but finding out everything is a lie really turns a person inside out. Discovering everything you built your life on wasn't what you thought is hard. Now, I'm not saying your marriage was a lie. I'm only saying it wasn't what you thought - he wasn't who you thought, after all that time.

Please, take care of yourself. Try to eat, or drink some Boost shakes. Try and sleep. See if your doctor can prescribe some anti-anxiety meds. They help a lot.

SI is a great place, with tens of thousands of members. Not all post regularly, obviously, but there are always people here if you need any advice, or just someone to listen.

(((((hugs)))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The infidelity and cheating is a symptom, not of a broken marriage but of a broken individual. No matter how fabulous a relationship you have, no matter how wonderful a spouse you are, you cannot fill a cup with no bottom. This is why it's critical for IC for the WS to be a fundamental part of any thought of R. The cause of that giant hole in the cup needs to be found and then the hard work has to be done to fix it. Elsewise, it's highly likely it will be lather, rinse, repeat 3 or 5 or 7 years down the road.

This is so true. The books that claim to help make your marriage affair proof are mostly blameshifting mantras. You can't control the actions of others, period. Your husband owns this, completely on his own. He needs help. Do not let him go without IC. It should be someone other than your MC for best results.

I also agree that the OBS did nothing wrong. Exposure is the best way to end affairs. If you want to be upset with anyone about losing your privacy then direct that frustration to your husband. He risked and took away many things by engaging in an affair. Consequence of his actions is that he/you/your family/friends get no say in how others deal with the pain his actions caused.

Also no sex until you both get tested for all STDs. Make sure you get results directly from the DR for your husband.

Please read in the Healing Library in the yellow box on the right. Post here often for help, support, and guidance.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 11:03 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1874 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You thought your marriage was perfect (at that time). You had been together for so long, you thought you knew him thru and thru. You thought you knew there's no way he'd cheat. I did too. Finding out that was incorrect was the most horrific experience of my life. My entire world was set on fire, and all I could do was stand there watching it burn

My marriage and my thoughts exactly. It wasn't until post DD that I realized I was living a marriage from the past, not the present. My WH was far more broken than I ever imagined. And we both knew he was dealing with some issues. We are in MC and he is in IC.

And through all of my hurt, anger, angst and through his actions of remorse, I know that some day we will have a good marriage again. But I know it will be a different marriage that it once was (even at it's best) You can never recapture, you can only build new.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone! This is so not the club I ever wanted to be a member of!

What I am taking away so far is to take care of myself (which is hard), don't make any decisions yet, dont't blame myself, dont blame her (which I do to a certain extent, but not nearly as much as i blame him), seek help.

I do know that something is very broken in him. Still no excuse.

I have an amazing group of friends who have been withn me from the first moments of this. I am worried about them as well. They are feeling the heart break from watching this, especially for my kids.

I have not been the mom that I usually am. I have not been strong when I need to be. I regret this and always will.

I am just plain sad. So so sad. I can not live like this for the amount of time that many of you say that you have.

As for hubby, he has done his research. He is trying to say and do all the right things by me. It just pisses me off.

Thanks to all!


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it sucks and it is a limbo of sorts, but time and your WH's actions will determine how you feel in a few months or a year...
Nothing is wrong in ultimately deciding that your WH's A was a deal breaker..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was mostly a jerk during the A, but then did some amazing things that gave me hope. We renewed our vows, he said so I could finally have the wedding I deserved. We had the most amazing anniversary, we communicated so well. So I was pretty blindsided when DDay happened. That he accomplished all these great things in our marriage while hiding his A.

To me that makes it all so much harder to understand any of it.

Take care of yourself, that is number one. Strap yourself in for a crazy roller coaster of emotions, don't make any quick decisions. That is all I can advise because that is all I have done.

So sorry that you have to go through this.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all. The amount the heart hurts is just so indescribable.


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
mystified1970
♀ Member
Member # 36291
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC_Jackit is not an unhappy marriage that causes an A, but an unhappy person in what might be a good marriage that causes an A.

Every BS needs to see this, every day.

((Mommato5)) I totally relate to what you've been through. Was a doting wife and made every effort to make my husband feel loved and adored. He too showed me love and affection in so many ways. Alas, he has his own deep seated issues that only he can work through.

So so sorry you're going through this.


heavy sigh

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Asia
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not been the mom that I usually am. I have not been strong when I need to be. I regret this and always will.

I understand this, well. Please, learn to forgive yourself. Do the best you can. This is all very new, and you are doing well, all things considered.

To put it in perspective, many BSs end up with PTSD from the experience. There are cases of women who have been raped, and also have been a BS. Many claim the infidelity was worse than the rape, because you didn't expect your WS to be an attacker. The trust factor is huge in the confusion and pain. Infidelity is also often said to be worse than the death of a spouse, because the spouse didn't willfully die. It wasn't intentional, as an affair is.

With this in mind, expecting to be mother of the year just a few weeks out is unrealistic. You don't need guilt right now, and I'm certain your children are cared for and loved. Yes, you are more than preoccupied with other things right now, and this is adding to your hurt. However, your kids are loved. They know this. They are probably still in a better environment than many kids. I don't say this thinking I'll change your mind about wanting the best for your kids. I say this to help you put this into perspective and to hopefully help you forgive yourself a little. Right now your WH needs to step up and fill in the gaps. Yes, he's hurting too, but you need to heal. He's had the facts since day one. You just got them. He needs to help you through this.

Mommato5, you'll be ok. No matter what happens, you and your children will be ok. It's a tough road, and you didn't ask to be on it, but you're going to find out how strong you are. You have 5 kids - you already know you have amazing strength, but this is going to bring out so much more.

When you need strength, or words of encouragement, we're here.


EDIT - as for hubby's research, a great read is 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair'. Search it online. It's a fairly short, concise, and very good book on exactly what the title says. It will help him understand your pain, what he can do to help, and how to move forward. It's recommended here often, and having read it myself, I can say it's well worth the time to read it.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 9:38 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
castellana
♀ New Member
Member # 42609
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you have to be here. My WH treats our whole family like crap when OW is in his head. I can tell days when he's started out texting her or has seen her because he's so irritable and angry.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jjust needed a little bump on this topic. Having another tough day.


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 19

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