One year out and triggered by "date night". I realized that WS had "date night" with the OWs when I was taking care of hearth and home...even encouraging him to go out and relax becasue he works so hard. I got angry. He comforted me. I did not share why I was upset though he was great and asked me about it and was willing.
why I didn't share? Because I have found at this point there is NO point...for me and my emotional health. In fact if I do share..drag it up all again by TALKING I feel so much worse. It helps to talk to a certain extent and then it seems it does NOT help but only turns to anger and rumination. I can think, feel and journal, but that will do for me and my recovery at this point I think. I am trying this now because I found that I FEEL WORSE as saying the words out loud triggers feelings anew that have been calming down and stirs it up again.
I am not denying my feelings, just dealing with them in a way that is best healthy for me. By getting comfort I feel reassured. But I do not feel too much worse. I do not want to stir up angry feelings any more than I must.
But I did get triggered and that was hard. But I realized that I was angry at the him THEN not the him NOW...that makes for an odd feeling going on there.
So how to calm down from that? I try to recenter myself. Try to turn anger to compassion...he must has been pretty much screwed up, in pain, to do such a thing...it is not like him to care so little for anyone feelings (especially me)...but he didn't at the time and that is hard for me to know and accept. But it is the past. The past. The past and harboring anger in the present does not change it and in fact will ruin my present with the WS now.
It s okay to have those feeling of anger, but realize that I am angry about the past and not the present. As it is anger about the past, put it with the past and leave it there. That is ok. You can remember you were angry about the past event without feeling the anger and hurt anew.
You just remember that is how you felt about a past event but you do not feel it anew. That is healthy for me, better for me and for us...I can remember the event and the feeling I felt about it, but not feel the feeling again...it is okay not to go there again...it is okay.
It is hard to do all this though. Sometimes it is hard.