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Newest Member: Chivalrous (45316)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: body language
210012
♀ New Member
Member # 42052
Stop  Posted: 10:49 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the affair, MM would point out mannerisms that he found sexy. Silly things, like how I adjust my glasses, or that I lace my fingers around soda cans, or my earnest-schoolgirl posture, or the way I tilt my head when listening, or my slow gliding walk, or how I bite my lip when I'm thinking, or the way I raise an eyebrow and quirk my lips when I'm skeptical of an idea...

now that we're avoiding personal conversations but still often part of the same groups for lunch and meetings, I feel quite self conscious and awkward, wondering what he's thinking when he's staring at me. I start noticing the body language he's previously mentioned and find myself trying to suppress it, which distracts me from paying full attention to the conversation.

Then other times I get so focused on the problem we're trying to solve that I forget to be weird and formal and find myself leaning over MM's shoulder to look at a stack trace. I freeze when I remember all that's happened and that I'm supposed to be avoiding him. It isn't going back to flirting, it is reverting to the casual friendliness we once shared, and which I still share with most everyone else in the office... I'm a little unclear whether this is good- indifference / treating him the same as others, or bad- forgetting all the history that requires better boundaries with him.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

casual friendliness

You don't have to be any kind of friendly. Don't you have any colleagues that you just work with? You have enough friends, you don't need another one. He's just a coworker.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6100 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does MM have a reputation as a lothario? What you're describing, his behavior, is classic baiting. It was a game to him, and you played along willingly, but to him you were a pawn. Soon he'll identify a new target and start telling her how sexy it is when she cradles her coffee cup just so.

He probably thinks very little about you, now that you're of no use to him. That sounds mean, I don't intend it that way, actually it's a good thing if you're no longer in his sights as a target. You're not married, so returning to a casual friendliness as if nothing ever happened...I think that's totally fine.

I start noticing the body language he's previously mentioned and find myself trying to suppress it, which distracts me from paying full attention to the conversation.

That seems like a normal and understandable reaction considering the circumstances, but I hope you can overcome it and not give him that kind of power (to make you change your behavior) or head space (to potentially erode your work performance)


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
210012
♀ New Member
Member # 42052
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to be any kind of friendly. Don't you have any colleagues that you just work with? You have enough friends, you don't need another one. He's just a coworker

Maybe the word "friendly" can be interpreted many ways? I feel some friendly affection toward each of the guys I work with every day, smiling at their quirks and taking a casual interest in whatever they like to talk about. We all eat lunch together every day, at the owner's request (he pays, and often invites guests, so likes us all there for networking). We've all worked long hours together under pressure, all had moments of passionate disagreement; I think under the circumstances either you find some affectionate respect for one another or you hate each other and work sucks.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
210012
♀ New Member
Member # 42052
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL, "lothario"... no, he doesn't have that reputation. This is his first affair (I know, be skeptical, but I think it is true, if he did it again I'd hope he'd have learned to be a bit more subtle!). In his fantasy-prone mind it is a passionate forbidden romance, star-crossed lovers and all that. Mutual friends have guessed and came to me for confirmation, preferring to allow him to maintain his illusion that no one knows. He generally means well, so generally people like to go along and support his energetic pursuit of whatever has caught his attention. That's why it is tough to hate him! Even when I was trying to be cynical my friend was defending MM's foolishness as genuine heartfelt foolishness. I mean, who but a fantasy-prone romantic can import a foreign bride after convincing himself he's fallen in love on vacation?

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 5

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