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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Casual vs love affair
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the type of affair matter to most BS's?

Casual vs Love

I feel like it is a big difference but I am new to this club!

Thanks!


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome mommato5...just going to assume you need (((((hugs)))))

They all hurt.
All of them.
The LTAs hurt...lies over years.
ONS hurt because no rhyme or reason
Online hurt because they'd throw their marriage away for a fantasy.
Prostitute use hurts because of the tawdriness and economic waste.
Same sex hurt because the betrayal and denial of self.

Are any of them casual? Not sure about that. Each situation is caused by poor choices made my damaged people.
They all hurt...the variety is just detail.

They ALL hurt exponentially more because of the lies.
More lies=more hurt

...sigh...

Kia kaha
xxx

[This message edited by Truly at 7:21 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many times people are surprised at how damaging an emotional affair can be. Sometimes they think it's not so bad that it wasn't physical but it is.

I think no matter the type they destroy you inside because it's a betrayal of the one that you were suppose to mean the most to.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasnt emotional. It was an all out affair but I just found out about the "Love" part. I didnt know that it could hurt more......


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What matters most is whether or not they are remorseful after their affair becomes known. With remorse, there's a chance for reconciliation. Without remorse....reconciliation isn't an option.

IMO, an emotional A, not yet consummated, would seem to be easier to handle than one that has progressed into the physical realm. But, maybe not.

They're all horrible. I'm surprised any of us survive them, honestly.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 940 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I tell myself 'if only it had only been x or y!'. But realistically I know that is just a strange type of bargaining, and that I'm imagining the grass to be greener where it would not be. It hurts regardless and though it could probably always be worse or better trying to look at it rationally as more or less hurtful than some other combination of behaviors can't ever change the actual facts we have to deal with. They are all different in some ways but share an undercurrent of hurt that ends up being what is the most important aspect.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I think Norabird is right.

It's a little bit like only breaking your toe and not your leg.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 940 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, an emotional A, not yet consummated, would seem to be easier to handle than one that has progressed into the physical realm. But, maybe not.

When I read that I looked to see if you were a guy.

I've read that typically men have a harder time with the physical part and women with the emotional part.

Norabird is right. It's all a type of bargaining we do in our heads.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they all suck. they are all the most abject of betrayals. they all rip your heart out.
i speak from experience.

my wife was sexting with quite a few guys - nude pics etc.
2 one night stands - one with a guy that was "sort of" a friend of hers, one with a relatively complete stranger.
1 long term PA that turned into a PA and EA.

does it hurt she slept in our car with a ONS? yes
does it hurt she told her LTA that she loved him? yes
does it hurt that she was sexting with guys when i was (clueless) in the same room? yes

does one hurt more than the other? i dont know. i just know they ALL hurt.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momma - Head over to Reconciliation and read the thread from this weekend about "If they Thought they loved the OW." I think it will make you feel better. It ain't love, honey.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
castellana
♀ New Member
Member # 42609
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH's affair is mostly emotional due to distance, though I guess he could have been sneaky enought ot make the occasional afternoon with her. After all I am a stupid trusting chump. But it is pretty obvious that if she lived closer it would be an intensely physical one. It's obvious from their communication that they are in it for fun, not luuurve.

I have thought about it (female perspective) and had WH had a one night stand while I was working across the country for three months, forgivable. But all the time and affection he pours into his bottom-feeding AP is just pathetic. He has spent more time, affection and effort on six months of the affair than the entire life his own preschool-age daughter. That is what gets me.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
wewillmakeit
♂ Member
Member # 26290
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read that typically men have a harder time with the physical part and women with the emotional part.

The woman who is primarily seeking only sex from an affair seems to be somewhat out of the norm. Typically, if a woman has chosen to become intimate with a man, the emotional bond with that man is already very strong. I think that's why men have such a fear/problem with the physical aspect. They know, deep down, that it means she's very attached to the OM, and very detached from the husband.
Women, OTOH, understand that many men could have sex with a willing OW and yet feel little emotional attachment to her. Conversely, they realize that if a man has made an emotional transition to another woman, irrespective of a physical relationship, it is difficult to repair a relationship with that man.
Two paths - same outcome. Either way, the act of betrayal cuts a deep wound.

[This message edited by wewillmakeit at 7:15 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 262 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't help to compare pain, nor can one person's response tell another how they should feel.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2468 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
Stillheart
♂ New Member
Member # 27322
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It all hurts. However for me, the luurve part hurt the most.


Me:62 BH
Her:53 WW
Married: 26yrs
8 month affair
D-Day 11-10-08
Two Daughter: 18 & 22
In R and doing well

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 14

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