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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Almost 8 years out...
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you think at all you will never get over this then GET OUT. That's my advice.

I am looking 40 straight in the eye and I am separated, "in-house" but separated.

I am scared to death that I will never find love but I was also scared to death to live the rest of my life without taking the chance to do so.

I am a SAHM, I am trusting that somehow things will work out finically. We are in-housing it right now to keep raising the kids how we both wanted.

Same as you, I am friends with my H. We get along well. But the affairs and other stuff are just too much for me.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
ourdream
♀ New Member
Member # 42643
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doggiediva, that makes me sad. I hope you find what you are looking for.

hitbyatruck, you know exactly what I am saying then.

My username means a lot. After the affair we set out making all of our dreams come true. We have almost managed all of it. Too bad it all came about after the affair.

I don't like instability and upheaval and really am fine with letting it continue like this. I actually know half a dozen couples who live the same way. I guess it's just a matter of what you can live with.

Maybe he will get tired of it. I don't know. He says if he didn't have a very deep love for me he'd never stay for this. I believe that.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is all too easy to keep the status quo, if it isn't painfully unpleasant..

And then the years slip on by before we know it..

A WS often times does something else new that we can't stomach and here we are again at the cross roads of staying or leaving.. This time we are 10 or 20 years older...( I will be 60 in a couple of years)

I am getting my ducks in a row...I am figuring out how the heck a 59-60 year old woman (in not so great health at the moment) can support herself on 1/2 pension and have my own place..

So for those who find their WS cooperative and have this option, I would suggest post nup- agreements or divorce contract/settlements to protect the BS before any staying or R ing is attempted...

The marriage as is is gone anyway..The WS needs to be grateful for whatever he or she can salvage of the relationship to keep the BS in his or her life..

It sucks to be trapped for an undetermined amount of time in an empty marriage for financial reasons or other extenuating circumstances...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like instability and upheaval and really am fine with letting it continue like this. I actually know half a dozen couples who live the same way. I guess it's just a matter of what you can live with.

I'm fine.
I'm good day to day.
We don't even fight
I'm happy enough.
I don't really miss sex.
Better off keeping what I know.
I like my house.

the list goes on and on about what I would tell myself and others.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ourdream ~ I'm so sorry.. (((HUGS)))

this is what I fear... that 3, 5, or even 10 years down the road, I'll have regretted my decision to stay.... I just think - well, what if I regret my decision to leave...?

Change can be scary... but it could also be exactly what you need..

would it be possible for you to stay/live with a family member or friend for alil while...? you'll get to see what it would feel like to be without your WS....

just seems like you're very unhappy and that you're just settling bc you don't know any different....

you've gotten used to feeling the pain of the A...

here's another hug...

(((HUG)))


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
IsthereEVERanend
♂ Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to let you know that I can relate to your post. My fww was 40 when she killed our marrige after 20 years. I stayed. She stayed and 24 years have now gone by and I have never regained any trust. In many ways things are fine but her A is still in both our minds nearly everyday. I find myself second guessing many things that she tells me and where her mind is at when she is not communicative. Neither of us will ever forget our pain. Her pain for having the affair; my pain for her lies and deceptions. She was very good at it and I will always wonder what I don't know, since she withheld much to protect herself and to not hurt me furrther.
Yes, trust is a fragile thing and ca be gone in an instant. I wish the best for you and that someday you will regain that lost trust.


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true.....great quote

I do subscribe to "life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured".


ourdream...I hope 40 something is not too old to change your life as I am in my late 50s. I understand about accepting...you have to do that to move on and you have to be okay with the fact that things will never be the same and you are not going to ever "forget" even if you forgive. I am 4 years out and still see hope it will get better...still hoping for the true remorse, but beginning to see glimpses of a future where I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In a few years, your children will be gone and believe me as that happens the dynamics of your life change and new possibilities come open. Crazy question maybe, but one I have actually considered...have you eve thought of divorcing, separating and starting over together??

"Happiness is WANTING what you have"


Posts: 594 | Registered: Nov 2010
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see time and again many SI women members talk about "if they were young and pretty " they would leave.

Really? I've never seen that.

I have, however, seen many women say that if they were financially independent, they would leave.

[This message edited by FinallyHappy at 5:39 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you both want to divorce 8 years out, don't try to blame it on the 'infidelity'.

It sounds like you just don't get along.

And that's okay.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the dynamics of your M don't start changing in a good way once the kids are out on their own, what are you gonna do?

From what you wrote in this thread you may already have a full and busy life in your home town..

But if you feel stuck in this situation( like me for the time being) because of finances maybe you can take frequent and brief periods of respite from your WH..Somewhere a few hours away once or twice a month..This way you look forward to those times away from WH without doing anything drastic for the time being..

Grab a group of your women friends or go by yourself to an out of town antique fair and stay at a bed and breakfast..Enjoy a wine trail..Go hiking with friends somewhere pretty and camp overnight..

These are all things that even I can do on my STRICT budget if I plan ahead..

Once I find my energy there is no stopping me, lol..

Maybe for you the same :-)

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:29 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you both want to divorce 8 years out, don't try to blame it on the 'infidelity'.

I disagree, once the trust is broken, sometimes, despite all efforts, it just won't work.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
IsthereEVERanend
♂ Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are like best buddies now, instead of husband and wife and lovers.

This quote from a post above is where my fww and I are at although we actually do love each other. Trully, I cannot imagine being without her.
I would take a bullet meant for her if it came to that.

We had seven years pass without sex of any kind but we are now learning all over again how to enjoy it together once again. It is such a same all the years that had to pass without that intimacy I craved and still do. My fww, not so much, but she is trying.

Weird, huh?


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
so_lost
♀ Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost 9 years out and I think I'm finally doing better. Most of year 8 I questioned why I had stayed after his infidelity. It was my mid-thirties crisis I guess. Then I went back for more counseling and got on an anti-depressant. I talked and cried a lot with my FWH. He showed me real remorse for his choices.

I started putting myself in his shoes. I started feeling compassion for him. I realized we were in this together and I was not alone in my healing. My FWH, and yours, are suffering just like you and I. Sisoon wrote something along the lines of ... "My FWW had to first betray herself before she betrayed me. I was just collateral damage." It makes it easier to take. It puts the pain on the wayward spouse, too.

I still have hope for you and your husband and as blakesteele wrote

I don't know anything about your sitch, but do know that our biggest limiting factor in this life is.....ourselves

It's all in how we think about it. I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying it'll ever go away but it can be better.

Keep reading. You'll find little pearls of insight that will help you heal and cope.

[This message edited by so_lost at 6:10 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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