Until she gets a LOT of help and completely deals with whatever is going on in her head, I really strongly believe you shouldn't even be considering R with this woman. And this is from someone who is very pro-R.
This is scary stuff. I truly believe you need some distance from this, so you can see it from a new perspective.
I am so very sorry for your pain. Infidelity is soul-shattering enough. Having these kind of personality issues come to light in your spouse adds a whole new dimension.
I hope you can both get some IC to help you both through this....
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. As if dealing with infidelity was not enough. This sounds alarming.
If you were a friend or family member, this is what I would advise:
1. See a lawyer - get custody of the kids, if you have them (did you read the recent news story of the woman who set her car on fire with her kids inside because she was afraid of losing her OM?). Separate your finances ASAP - at least take half of your joint account and move it to a private account. Take her off credit cards. If she is going through some bipolar episode or psychosis, she could do a lot of financial damage before this is over.
2. Get her a psych evaluation. Call your doctor or a local psych organization and see what you need to do to set this up, and under what conditions she can be made to go if she refuses. I don't know where the borderline for various psychiatric conditions lies, but better to rule out treatable conditions - her behavior may be a cry for help if she is really losing touch with reality.
3. Save all documentation in a safe place. If these are e-mails or text messages, get them to your lawyer, and the bit about knocking off the imaginary stalker, give to the police, along with the name of the OM. Perhaps this will burst his bubble. And yes, tell the OM's wife. If these two are fantasizing about murdering inconvenient people, she is next on the list.
4. Get some IC for yourself. You need support. It is hard to keep your world right-side-up and know what the right thing to do is when you are involved with distorted thinkers.
You need people to be watching your back. Tell people. Also....I would be afraid to leave my kids with someone who is in a fantasy world. I would be concerned for their safety and for their possible abduction. IDK this kind of stuff breeds paranoia but .......this is beyond worrisome.
/\/I wrote the above before seeing all responses.....so others agree with me. And yes, I did not think of it, but the OS might be in danger too.
It does sound as if your wife's mind has fractured; separated from reality. There are a number of reasons for this which only a professional will be able to help her with.
Your wife needs intensive IC after psychiatric evaluation today.
There is little point in going to MC at the moment. You need IC to help you with the aftermath of this trauma and to receive coping strategies that mean you can assist your wife in recovering from/living with mental illness/personality disorder.
I love that you love her. That must be so painful, to love someone who is so lost.
Protect yourself and the children; allow the OM's BS to protect herself and her children too. This situation will only be ameliorated by honesty.
Focus on getting your wife help, serious help.
Fixing the marriage can wait, fix the brokenness first.
Eat well, drink water, exercise, smile with your children.
You are a good person, you did not cause this, you do not own this.
Sending you the strength of ages
In this instance, though? I don't know if I'd make the same call... your wife isn't the woman you married, and I'm sorry. I hope she's able to get the help she needs, and quickly, but at this point your reconciliation is probably a bit of a fantasy, or something to be revisited in the very distant future. Hugs.
You may want to carry a voice activated recorder with you so she doesn't file a false DV charge and get you kicked out of the house your kids need you.
That's, sadly, a pretty good idea...
Status - In D.
I would be realy scared about this. I would also let people (police, therapists, doctors) know about this. Your wife needs a Deep psych evaluation. An francly you need to leave her. You don't know what she is capable of doing to you or your Children. Have her put in hospital!
Sorry that you are here under these circumstances, friend. Betrayal alone is brutal enough, but the potential for mental illness on top of this?
I also echo Lyonesse. And tom67. And TOMTEFAR.
You have to protect yourself and your children first. Even if you want to attempt to help your wife, you have to use the oxygen mask in the depressurized airplane theory--put the mask on YOURSELF first, then help the others.
I think that you should revisit the first post on this thread:
The second time I found out, I filed for divorce, assuming it was over. She begged me not to go through with it, that we could still save the marriage. I loved her then, and I still do now despite everything, so I had the divorce complaint withdrawn in the hopes that we really could fix things, both for ourselves and for our children.
I would definitely get the divorce back in the works. You can always reconcile up to...or after...the divorce is final. You stopped the proceedings due to nothing more than lip service from your wife. This time, you will look much more closely at her actions.
I understand the "in sickness and in health"...I really do. But that contract was broken by your wife....repeatedly. Her "sickness" is totally self-serving, and destructive to the ones around her. Again, if you want to help her, that is fine, but do it with you and your children at a VERY safe distance. Your top priority right now should be extricating you and your children from this situation.
So sorry that you have to experience this. I know that there must be immense guilt if you are thinking of leaving. But we are talking about survival...emotional, and possibly physical.
You can't underestimate crazy.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
I agree with the previous posters. You need to expose this affair to the light of day so that it will die. The key is the OM's wife. Expose high and wide.
Set your boundaries for her in the future: no electronics, buy her an old cell phone that doesn't take SMS messages, she turns over all passwords to you, setup a key logger to keep track of her.
She had been creating some kind of crazy fantasy world with this guy. She had multiple email accounts, some of which were imaginary relatives, and she had a series of invented characters in her 'life.' ….
There are lots of things where she takes her real life and alters it in the fantasy thing she has created with him. A half dozen of the invented people were a strange amalgam of people we know in real life, and then had some fantastical additional aspects added. There were fake siblings, fake friends, fake activities, fake encounters with various other people. What really bothered me was a darker conversation I had just recently discovered where they both talked about this imaginary stalker x being killed or taken care of once and for all.
Without a doubt, she needs a psych evaluation and a treatment plan.
For someone who has fallen so far down the rabbit hole, I wouldn't be prepared as a layperson to deal with her multiple issues.
I am still in a state of disbelief, it is utterly surreal that home life can be normal-ish and this has been going on too. I'm starting to realize that she may have painted me into am emotional corner as well.
Your WW sounds like she is looking for a way out, and I would let her go. she sounds unstable and you need to protect your children. I know,easier said then done. Good luck and be safe!
I am getting information from IC/MC/legal about how to proceed.
I'm starting to realize that she may have painted me into am emotional corner as well.
I am still in a state of disbelief, it is utterly surreal that home life can be normal-ish and this has been going on too.
You are doing great. I am sure it doesn’t feel like it, but you really are doing a good job of holding it together under (as you said) surreal conditions.
After again pledging no contact and seeming good progress in MC I found more contact yet again with the OM of a very sexual nature, not that that really matters as any contact was verboten.
I am having a really hard time with the idea of 50/50 parenting time, which I understand from my lawyers is the likely result, but I am pretty much resigned that D is necessary...
I have a very favorable prenup, which is maybe even why she put up such a show for saving the marriage 6 months ago...
WATCH YOUR BACK!
I know you think "that'll never happen to me". I'm "too fast, too good looking and so on to get hurt". My nephew is clawing his way out of a coma as we speak. His Ex put him there and she just might get off scot free.
My nephews Ex is a master manipulator in the tiniest prettiest little package you've ever seen. She is a monster, prone to fits of rage and she almost killed him and damaged his life forever.
PLEASE BE SAFE.
Keep reading keep posting.
So so sorry for your situation.
What am I dealing with here?
By no means am I a psychologist/psychiatrist but there seems to be many levels of deep seeded "issues" here.
I agree with the others. She truly needs extensive therapy. Many WS live in fantasy land but this is quite the extreme.
Is your WW at all responsive to the idea of IC?
Consult an attorney to know your rights and how best to protect yourself.
Many hugs and prayers.