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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Waywards would you forgive a ra?
wherestheundokey
New Member
Member # 42649
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 3 and half months out from my husbands dday. I had a texting relationship with pictures and videos with a co-worker, we were about to turn it into a pa but my h caught me before that happened. I resigned from my job immediately, gave no notice was unemployed for ten weeks and ended the contact with the AP immediately through a text message, there's been no contact since and no regret that the affair ended. Lately my bh has been talking more and more about having an a. He first said it would be an ra, then later it was just he wanted to understand what I went through so that he could heal. He wants to boost his self esteem and feel like he has self worth from having an a. He doesn't understand that I saw it as a slippery slope, was lost in the fog and justified my actions straight through. I now know that I was causing hurt to my family and I have no one to blame for my actions but myself. I've been trying to make amends with everyone that was affected by my a. He signed up for a plenty of fish account a few weeks ago. He hid signing up for it before I knew about it. He gave me a big long speech about how he wanted to cheat on me and how far would I let him go before I walked away. I told him I would understand if he went as far as I did, how could I not forgive him if I expected him to forgive me for his actions. After I told him that he told me I was full of it, he downloaded the pfo app after he had already signed up for the account. I was completely unaware of him signing up for anything I thought he was just proving a point on his phone. Then I started snooping and I found that he had a username in the app, I went to google and found his profile. I couldn't believe my eyes that he had gone through with it, I thought to myself ok whatever it's just a profile what could happen. Little did I know he was messaging girls on there and setting up dates all the while lying to me about him talking to anyone. Then this past week there was a girl he really wanted to meet he had setup multiple times to meet her, they'd been texting and exchanging photos and texts about the different sexual positions and things they liked. The first time he was supposed to meet her he told me he was meeting a friend and I thought it was weird and called him on it. This was the day after I came across a text from the other girl. He didn't end up meeting her. Then he started to send himself texts from his work phone to make it seem like one of friends wanted to meet him, again I put two and two together and he did not end up meeting her for the second time, then this past Saturday I experienced my dday. He had lied to me and told me he was going out with friends, he later messaged me and told me he would be late. About an hour later my gut was screaming that something wasn't right. So I messaged his one friend and just said it's too bad you had to cancel tonight, sure enough they texted back and said yeah the car wouldn't stArt because of the weather. I thought To myself holy f, where is he then. Then I signed into wheres my iPhone and realized he was no where near where he was supposed to be. I was at home planning our sons birthday for the next day while he was out doing god knows what with this other girl. I sent him numerous texts saying don't bother coming home and I packed him a bag. He still did come home and told me he didn't want to lose me. He wanted to work on our relationship and look at moving to a new house and starting over. He wanted to work things out with me because he realized while he was with her that what we had could be saved. He spent 7 hours with this girl and I have no idea what they did. He also told me he wanted both of us to start with a clean slate and to just start fresh. He told me he only talked to the other girl for the 7 hours they were together that nothing physical happened. I did betray his trust and found out a lot of what I know by reading his journal. I had to write the text for him to end the relationship with the other girl. She was of course angry. I asked him today if I messaged her and asked her what happened would it match his story he told me he thought she was angry and could say anything. That has made me even more suspicious that more happened, Now I'm tempted to text her and find out exactly what happened but feel like I'm only setting myself up to be more angry or hurt. He just told me she could say something out of spite, am I just setting myself up to have more questions and hurt. He did send my ap a text to find out what happened I thought that would be way to clear what I had told him he deleted the conversation before I saw it though so im not sure what This isn't the first time he has cheated on me he cheated three months into our relationship and then again after our son was born both times were with different ex girlfriends. He told me about the first cheating right away the second time only came out six years later when my a came out. Both were ons.

I don't know if I should stay or go. I feel like the wool has been pulled over my eyes. I feel hurt and betrayed and I now know how he felt. I hate his cell phone I don't trust him when he's not around me. I don't know if we can move forward and heal from this. I don't know how to trust him again or feel safe. He told me before I found out that he felt like a door mat for staying I could understand that if I was still contacting the ap and not doing everything to reconcile. I feel like a door mat he continued to try and meet this girl every time I caught him. As a wayward how far would you go. As a bs could you even fathom this. Is our relationship too damaged to move forward. Any advice is welcome and thank you so much for reading my ramble. I want to work things out with him we have a little boy, but I'm so scared of being hurt even more. I also don't see how wiping the slate clean helps either one of us isn't thAt just means sweeping everything under the rug. We are both in ic and mc. Is it possible for us both to let go of the hurt and be happy with each other.

[This message edited by wherestheundokey at 1:51 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2014
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wherestheundokey...

Your H sounds like a cake-eater. It sounds like he's using your A as a tool to cheat and justify it.

Are you sure all contact has ended?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
wherestheundokey
New Member
Member # 42649
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The text to end the relationship was only sent today so I don't know for sure if it will end contact. The ow was pissed and told him to lose her number and never contact her again. I asked him what she would say if I contacted her would it just be they talked or would she tell me there was more and he is very scared of her reply. I feel like that should be a red flag. But I can also see his argument she owes him nothing and was angry.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2014
Hosea
♂ Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wheretheundokey;

He first said it would be an ra, then later it was just he wanted to understand what I went through so that he could heal.

I am not a Wayward, but as a Betrayed who reconciled, I thought I'd share an opinion.

A Betrayed Spouse who engages in a Revenge Affair is greatly undermining the prospects of longtime Reconciliation. Reconciliations are mostly like to endure when a Betrayed Spouse extends genuine forgiveness to a Repentant Wayward, and lifts them back up from their fallen state to help heal the Betrayed, make amends for the wrongdoing, and rebuild the marriage on a stronger foundation than before.

A Revenge Affair inverts much of this. The Betrayed Spouse, rather than lifting up the Wayward, descends to their level to ensure that "equal" wounds have been inflicted. This is not Forgiveness but instead, Old Testament "eye-for-an-eye" justice. Now they have both debased the marriage vow, injured each other, and are, theoretically, going to rebuild on a foundation of acrimony, bitterness, and scorekeeping.

I feel very badly for you both. I'm a firm believer in the power of forgiveness and repentance, and in the possibility of beautiful Reconciliations and strengthened marriages. I fear that, given your circumstances, you are building your future marriage on porous, unstable ground that's eventually going to implode in sinkhole.

But I hope, for both your sakes, that this isn't the case.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me about the first cheating right away the second time only came out six years later when my a came out. Both were ons.

He gave me a big long speech about how he wanted to cheat on me and how far would I let him go before I walked away.

What a mess. You both have my sympathy.

Is it possible for us both to let go of the hurt and be happy with each other.

Sure. But you both need to set firm boundaries and rules for the M, and stick with them. No double standards. 100% truth about everything that happened with all of your collective APs. Transparency, honesty, reciprocal "hand it over on demand" policy on all cell phones, emails, etc.

You've both got a tough row to hoe and wish you the best of luck.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a betrayed spouse reading your story, I first believed that his reasons were excuses, but as I finished reading, I wonder if this can be categorized as a revenge affair since he has cheated on 2 times previously. It sounds as if there is a lot of work that needs to be done to heal, not just from your affair, but from your husband's multiple betrayals as well. Is he willing to do the work in counseling, and even if he is, are you up for it as well? It sounds like he was looking for a reason to walk out on your marriage.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Topic: Waywards would you forgive a ra?

Can I forgive an A? Because a revenge affair is just that an affair, the revenge apart just gives it justification. The answer is yes I can with remorse and honesty which your H is not doing. I am sorry to say I call bullshit on the we just talked for 7 hours part. They tested sexually for awhile and had 2 previous meets scheduled, this was not a meeting for coffee and a chat. He came home saying he wanted to work on you guys because he got caught. Now many WS have done this, got caught, realized their bad choices and came clean hoping to salvage something. Yours did not he is doing exactly what Deeply Scared stated cake eating. He wanted to have an A because he wanted to have an A. He's cheated in the past, no need to do so again because he needed to understand you, he's been a wayward before.

Contacting his OW can be all types of bad but I dont believe he just talked to her. It is up to you to figure out if contacting her will be a good move. I am sorry you are in this position, pain on top of pain heals no one and your husband is a cake eater with no remorse. You need to find your deal breakers and draw your line in the sand or it will happen again.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Currently trying to forgive two subsequent affairs. Stay tuned... today I feel ok.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He first said it would be an ra, then later it was just he wanted to understand what I went through so that he could heal.

He gave me a big long speech about how he wanted to cheat on me and how far would I let him go before I walked away.

and then... This:

This isn't the first time he has cheated on me he cheated three months into our relationship and then again after our son was born both times were with different ex girlfriends. He told me about the first cheating right away the second time only came out six years later when my a came out. Both were ons.

Forgive me for pointing out the obvious... He already knows what it's like to cheat. So, exactly what is his real reasoning here? Because what's coming out of his mouth is bullshit... Did you justify your affair with his cheating?

"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind."

Seriously... When does it stop?

I'm so sorry for you!

(((wherestheundokey)))

[This message edited by trytoforgive at 2:33 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 9

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