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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: On being stuck, on moving forward, on healing
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Messages from the R forum ... I will never, ever trust him again….I've been living on a plane of lethal flatness. I feel nothing for him. My huge huge regret is that I did not leave him then, when I was young... no connection thus no intimacy no marriage. We are doomed… -I wasted all those years, and I was miserable ... I think leaving in my 40's is my plan... I do dream and long for my own place, my own space, and the peace that a final divorce settlement will give me... The WS needs to be grateful for whatever he or she can salvage of the relationship to keep the BS in his or her life ... It sucks to be trapped for an undetermined amount of time in an empty marriage for financial reasons or other extenuating circumstances...

Not unlike Karmahappens said, as I read this post, it breaks my heart and makes me said.

I’m not reading about the struggle of R in this post. I’m reading about people who have given up on any hope for the future. This isn’t about people who have reached the Plain of Lethal Flatness but rather, it’s about people who have set up house and home there.

BlindJustice - It's a fitting title. You're flat, emotionally, in the middle of... nothing… This is a common state in recovery. Some people hit that plain a few times in the process. It's a time for you to emotionally catch your breath…It can be lethal, to your relationship and to yourself, if you stay there for a long time.

I know firsthand about the plain of lethal flatness, after all, LF has spent quite some time there but BlindJustice is right in her observation. It’s supposed to be a place to catch your breath, not a place to unpack your boxes and move into.

Feeling flat and listless and full of despair and sadness and merely feeling nothing is no way to live. In fact, it’s not living, its merely existence and desperation. A time spent in the plains may help numb the pain of the affair but staying too long numbs the ability to enjoy everything in your life.

There's the pain our husbands create...but then there's the damage we do to ourselves on top of it. We’re victims of the first but the second we can control - Unknown Poster

Recently, I read a full and comprehensive step-by-step guide for how to live your very own life of quiet desperation by Christine Kane. And while I don’t want to reprint the whole article, I would like to point out a few of her steps. So, if you really want to live a life of quiet desperation, then do this:

Let jobs, marriages, friendships, life, and events happen to you.
Never make choices.
Believe your fears.
Hold onto anger as long as possible.
Seek security above all else.
Believe that security exists.
Expect very little.
Try to fix other people.
Do it for the money.
Do it for the approval.
Do it for safety sake.

In this thread and others like it, I can see that a lot of the WS/BS community is guilty of these behaviours. We lead lives of quiet desperation when we resign ourselves to dissatisfaction. Quiet desperation is acceptance of–and surrendering to–circumstances. Quietly desperate lives are frustrated, passive, and apathetic. They’re unfulfilled and unrealized and they will always be in that state because of our failure to act.

You know that you’re living a life of quiet desperation on the plains of lethal flatness when you can recognize the following signs of a quietly desperate life.

You might be leading one if you’re comfortable, but you feel trapped, if you’ve resigned yourself to mediocrity and if you can accept “it’s not bad” as being a substitute for “my life is good”.

You know you’re living a life of quiet desperation if you concede to your fears rather than confronting them and if you feel that past failures always predict future ones.

If you’re think your too old, too committed, or too set in your ways to turn back now, then you’re living your life in quiet desperation.

Well, the truth is that life is full choices and decisions. Some of them happen to you and sometimes, you get to make the decisosn. And yes, I understand that deciding to merely stay safe is a choice. But I would argue that comfort and security are curses in disguise. If you can’t get past them, you’ll die comfortable — and still dissatisfied.

I think it’s all about choosing the path of fear or faith to me. Perhaps you need to decide what it is that you really want and then be willing to chase that dream even if it takes you on the path least walked. Sometimes, you simply can’t reconcile yourself to this mess and deciding that the A is a deal breaker is the right choice and the smart decision. But staying stuck in a life of unhappiness is not a fulfilling and happy life, it’s a jail sentence.

Maybe reading this post on choices and decisions may be helpful. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=524740

Whether your a WS who is wondering if you can live with a unhappy BS or a BS who questions her ability to live with the betrayal, the solution to that state of wonderment and questioning is merely making a decision.

HUFI

"Follow your bliss." Find where it is, and don't be afraid to follow it - Joseph Campbell


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you HUFI, I really appreciate your thoughtful and thought provoking posts. The R forum is a sad place these days and I think I'm not alone in feeling discouraged by it. I feel my R is progressing very well, we are both changing so much and reaching a deeper understanding of ourselves and each other, it feels good and fulfilling. And then I read these "years later" sad posts and my feelings of hopelessness come rushing back in.

But you know, reading your quiet desperation list was helpful. I don't see myself or my H in that list. Not at all. We are intentional, much more so now than ever before.

I have been quite sick for the past week or so and it's brought on a lot fear and feelings of vulnerability but having my H be there for me in a way that he never was before has been healing also. (That's a tangent I guess)

Anyway, thank you.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Aug 2012
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good post, Hufi.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Yep, this would be me:

You might be leading one if you’re comfortable, but you feel trapped, if you’ve resigned yourself to mediocrity and if you can accept “it’s not bad” as being a substitute for “my life is good”.

You know you’re living a life of quiet desperation if you concede to your fears rather than confronting them and if you feel that past failures always predict future ones.

If you’re think your too old, too committed, or too set in your ways to turn back now, then you’re living your life in quiet desperation.

Boy, does that suck to see it written out in black and white.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
My_Name_Is_Alice
♀ Member
Member # 34646
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the solution to that state of wonderment and questioning is merely making a decision.

If it were that easy, everyone would do it, and this forum wouldn't exist.


Me: BW (38)
Him: WH (38) (MyNameIsDoug)
Married in 2004, living together since 2003
1 son, 7 years old
DDay: ONS on 10/23/2010
Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Hufi, wonderful post. I was stuck in LF for quite a while. It was so...empty. Like nothing had meaning and yet at the same time, it was such an uncomfortable place to be.

Everything changed when I made the decision to change. FWH didn't change, he was still doing his recovery diligently and quietly. I just finally decided to recognize that and to recognize that I did want to give it another shot. Things improved immediately! I'm not saying it's all roses. The pain is still there, the difficulty arises like it always did. But now I feel more alive, like I'm taking part in my own healing now.

I truly think this can happen whatever is decided (R or D). Even if you eventually D, you need to make that decision to really let go and allow life to flow again. I just happen to have gone the R route and we have grown closer than we've been since the beginning of the relationship.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a good point Alice. Maybe I could only make the decision because I was ready to? Maybe lethal flatness was a necessary step.

Everyone is so different that I don't think we can say that one way is the only way to get to healing.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
silentscream13
♀ Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Once again HUFI-PUFI great post!

Let jobs, marriages, friendships, life, and events happen to you.
Never make choices.
Believe your fears.
Hold onto anger as long as possible.
Seek security above all else.
Believe that security exists.
Expect very little.
Try to fix other people.
Do it for the money.
Do it for the approval.
Do it for safety sake.

This is what I don't want. This is what my M and life was becoming before my WH's A. I am finally letting go of my anger, sadness, disillusions, etc. It is a slow and hard process, that I loathe at times, but I am doing it because:

I am done being quiet.
I am done pretending.
I am done surviving.

I will start to live.

To me quiet desperation smells of a bitter future.


ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 254 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, again, HUFI for another post that requires some thought.

This was mostly me pre-D-Day...

Let jobs, marriages, friendships, life, and events happen to you.
Never make choices.
Believe your fears.
Hold onto anger as long as possible.
Seek security above all else.
Believe that security exists.
Expect very little.
Try to fix other people.
Do it for the money.
Do it for the approval.
Do it for safety sake.

I have written this once or twice before, but I feel like the A broke me open. All the shit that wanted out, I am getting out! All the good stuff inside me, I am holding onto. It seems to take a whole lot of conscious effort on my part to do this but I can see no other way.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My_Name_Is_Alice - If it were that easy, everyone would do it, and this forum wouldn't exist.

Gently said, I did not make any reference to these decisions as being "easy" to make or follow through with.

I meant to express that the solution to being stuck in the plain of lethal flatness is resolved by merely making a decision insofar as the solution to a problem needs and requires a decision be made in order to resolve the problem. I did not intend for my words to infer that we can make that decisions by merely snapping your fingers easy peasy.

I am very aware of the fact that the decisions to R or D are not easy ones and perhaps, as suggested, they are best done after a period of introspection and consultation.

I just happen to think that until or unless this decision is reached at some point of time, nothing happens. Standing still is something that happens to turtles. Not making a decision can be construed as a decision but IRL, while you wait, life is moving forward and slowly and surely, changing the situation and circumstances. That change sometimes make it even harder to make the hard decision, not easier.

I fully and totally understand the utter turmoil and confusion that runs through a persons head when they get have to make these "hard decisions".

HUFI



Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post! I value your words on SI, HUFI.

Interestingly, this is how my WS was living before the EAs. For some reason I'm working hard in IC to figure out, I didn't see it. Of course she hid it, too, but I'm sure I should have recognized something. It's funny how life shifts positions sometimes. I think I avoided this mostly, but there have been times I slip in and out of it since DDay...and I needed this today.

Thank you.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 711 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
pbcc
♀ New Member
Member # 42619
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post. I have been trying to rebuild and trust again after learning about my fiance's infidelity last year. Every day, I think of reasons why I am better off leaving him, and I struggle with packing up and never looking back. He and I have an 8 month old baby boy, and I think that if it were not for my son, I would have left when I found out.

The people who know what happened tell me that we should try to make it work. I don't want my son to grow up without a father, and there are days where I am not sure if I love him anymore. He is putting forth 1000% effort and has done a complete turn around. Yet, given our history, I feel like it is too late. Then there are other days when I feel that we are meant to be together and that we have overcome so much.

The part I can't get over and struggle to forgive is that he started the affair with his COW when I was pregnant, and he even continued it after our son was born. I feel like he never would have ended it and probably would have left us if I had not found out. This is when I start to hate him.

Thank you for posting this thread. It has given me a lot to think about.


Me: BF 38
Him: WF
1 baby boy
Together: 2 years (friends for 3 years before)
D Day: July 2013
Affair: Feb. 2013 - July 2013
NC: none on his part. several emails from her. they are co-workers.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 13

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