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Newest Member: gloumama (44930)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Found out through tragedy!
TootMcToots
New Member
Member # 42666
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fiance had an aneurysm rupture last Saturday. He had been acting "funny" for a couple of month. He is still in the critical part of his recovery. He is awake, off the ventilator and knows who everybody is. He is still extremely confused and does not know what has happened. He doesn't even remember the affairs. He thinks we are lying when we tell him he is in the hospital. To make things harder, I found out about multiple affairs after he fell ill. He was actually with another woman, sexually, when he had the rupture. I do not want to leave him in the condition he is in. Right now, I am mourning the loss of our relationship and most of all, the possible loss of him. I do not know what to expect during his recovery. There are a lot of emotions going through my head. I know I neMy fiance had an aneurysm rupture last Saturday. He had been acting "funny" for a couple of month. He is still in the critical part of his recovery. He is awake, off the ventilator and knows who everybody is. He is still extremely confused and does not know what has happened. He thinks we are lying when we tell him he is in the hospital. To make things harder, I found out about multiple affairs after he fell ill. He was actually with another woman when he had the rupture. I do not want to leave him in the condition he is in. Right now, I am mourning the loss of our relationship and most of all, the possible loss of him. Everyone is saying to be here for him and discuss the cheating when he's better. That's hard. There's so much going on! There are a lot of emotions going through my head. I know I need to be there and I HAVE been by his side since the day it happened, but......ed to be there and I HAVE been by his side since the day it happened, but......

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
silentscream13
♀ Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TootMcToots)))

I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard and even though I have no great advice to give you, you have come to a great place to vent and find others who understand.

(((hugs)))


ME: BS- 39; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if he doesn't get "better" and what would you have done had he not had the aneurysm?

Sit down and ask yourself those questions. If you would have tried to work through it, then taking care of him might be the right answer. If you would have broken off the engagement and moved on, think about whether or not you want to be the caregiver to someone knowing what you know about who he really is. The other issue is that you are going through a lot because of the cheating and if he doesn't remember it, you can't discuss it or get any support from him about it. Can you deal with that?

If doctors say he is definitely going to regain full faculties, that adds another element to consider. Eventually, he may be able to provide support for you but will he go back to being a cheater when he's well?

You have a lot to consider. Try to take care of yourself. So sorry your have to be here.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4085 | Registered: Sep 2005
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you have the reason to be here. I'm sorry that you had to find out about your WFs infidelity in such a hurtful way. I'm sorry that you are now dealing with a WF that is so ill. It's not fair to you in any way, shape, or form. (((hugs)))

When my Grandfather was having a series of small TMI strokes, he would wake up in the hospital and be totally indignant that he was there. He would have a small stroke, wake up on the floor with my Grandmother trying to help him, and accuse her of tripping him and making him fall. He had no memories whatsoever of his strokes and until several people including multiple doctors confronted him in a hospital, he didn't believe my Grandmother. I have extreme empathy for you having to deal with a WF that doesn't believe he's in the hospital. I've had a taste of that and it was difficult. I cannot even imagine having to face this denial while you have absolute knowledge of where he was at, what he was doing, and that it wasn't the first time by a long shot.

Your WH is likely to be in the hospital for some time and in recovery for an even longer length of time. This is the time for you to figure out what you want. If his infidelity would have been a deal-breaker for you before, GO. You owe him nothing. You really don't. He 'broke" your relationship before his illness, he just didn't get around to telling you before he was found in bed with an OW when his rupture happened. Let me repeat this, You Owe Him NOTHING. So this really is up to you, completely. You don't have to make a decision yet. You don't have to make a decision tomorrow. You can take the time that YOU need to figure out what YOU deserve. This might be a huge, sucky wake up call to you, that you need to leave at high speed. Your engagement is supposed to be the time when each of you presents their best to each other, to woo one-another, and to cement bonds. Instead, it seems that only one person, you, was making the commitment to be faithful and true from this point on.

Please come back often for support. We're all here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4802 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. This actually happens more than you know. It happened twice in the 10 years I was an ICU nurse. Once a wifes H was with his girlfriend and once a wife's husband was with his boyfriend.

Sorry you are here. You will find tons of support here. Read the healing library and figure out what you want You deserve more. This could be a long long road. Enlist the help of the family. His family.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8496 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like Tush Nurse I have had several patients who have had AP'S show up at their bedside ..The appearance of the AP at the bedside was often the BS's D-day..

It is horrific that you have to deal with this on top of your fiancee's
serious medical condition..

As others have mentioned, take your time to think and decide what you are gonna do.. Keep in mind that your fiancee's recovery will be a LONG HAUL..I mean months or more... He may be in and out of the hospital multiple times in the months to come, even when recovery is smooth...

How long can you support your WF without getting any support in return from him in trying to make things right in your relationship..This can be an insanely long road with partial recovery being as good as it gets..

After a person has had one aneurysm rupture and has been treated, it is wise to do studies to rule out the presence of more aneurysms...

Yes, enlist the help of his family....I would be surprised if they weren't there at his side to begin with..
His immediate family needs to know and realize that you don't owe your WF anything and that it is highly possible that you may need to break the engagement..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:35 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are living my nightmare. As a nurse, I had APs show up---fortunately not when spouses were present. And I have a husband who has severe, late-stage heart disease and ...well, cheats. I am astounded, in retrospect, I didn't find out the same way.

Please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel your feelings as they surface.

Do NOT feel as though you must stay with a man willing to cheat on you simply because he is ill. You don't have to make ANY decisions now. Let things unfold. But don't let the guilt of leaving a man who's "too sick" keep you in a relationship.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice is - what do you want?

The choice is yours but you should not feel guilty about leaving him if that is what you want to do.

You could gather some family members and tell them that the relationship is over, but you will provide him with support. If they don't like it, screw them - it's your life.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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