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User Topic: So....anyones work find out about the affair?
♀ Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is military and informed his command, but only those that needed to be informed. He chose to do this on his own. He also chose to tell them he had a problem with alcohol and self referred himself.

Regardless of what an idiot he can be at times through all this and his horrible choices, I will always give him credit for being honorable that time.

ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 254 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H specifically told two people at work - a mutual friend of ours and his swamper (the person who spots him while loading and/or backing and ties down his loads). I'm sure several of the other guys know, but the men in his line of work are very accepting (even encouraging) of married men acting single. They obviously know something has changed now because he has some very strict boundaries and seldom participates in any after work activities (if he does, it's just group dinner and then he's back at the man camp or his hotel room).
I don't work. Initially, I told 2 people. Then, a 3rd from church (who actually approached me because I seemed 'off'). Later, my H and I made the decision to share with our bible study leader since he works with OW2 and she still spouts nonsense about me. Then I told my mother. Recently, I sat in front of my bible study class and told them all (while my H sat close by). Our town is small enough that in 18 months I'm sure the rumor mill had several of them suspecting something. Telling them was hard (I shared my full life testimony, not just about my H's A's), but it was also freeing. Now I don't have to wonder who knows what and what's being said. I know, they know and if there are doubts or questions, these folks know they can (and I know they would) approach me with them. I don't think there has been a single, long-term reaction from anyone we have told. But, until I knew they knew what needed to be known, I always wondered who was saying what when I was out of earshot. (This was NOT my motivation for sharing, but was definitely an added benefit of having it out in the open).

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In general, what people are interested in talking about in regards to other people says a lot about them. My guess is that it has all died down and they are on to the next thing. If anything they feel compassion and think your WS is an idiot.

In my case, OW's first reaction to finding out that I found out was "Why did you tell her? I am worried about my reputation." She wasn't concerned about the kids, or my WH's reputation or anything else but her own rep.

As far as what anyone thinks of ME? I don't give a crap bc I know for certain I have done nothing wrong. That is all on them! They made their bed…they can lie in it. Should have thought about that before!!!!

About a week or so after DD, my SAWH said to me, "_____ and I are very grateful that you haven't told anyone about it." WTF? That incensed me! One of my friends asked me why in the world am I protecting her. I think it was because I just wanted it all to go away and I think that if I broke the news, it would fan the flames. Also my husband indicated that OW had advocated on his behalf to his benefit financially in the company so she did not want her reputation damaged. In retrospect I wish I had spilled the beans. They don't work together directly…she works for a company in which he is involved. It's not like his investment paid off anyway. Maybe it will at some point. Who knows.

My husband has switched jobs in a sense in an effort to avoid her, and anyone who may know about it. Most of her friends are low life slutty bar working girls anyway or douchey guys so they will go away at some point. It's been almost a year, I am sure it's died down by now and really, people don't think about you NEARLY as much as you think they do. You really aren't that interesting (of course we posters at SI think you are fabulous and very interesting).

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WH is a minister. He had 2 affairs - one with a congregant and the other with a colleague. His affairs were carried out in work time - in his office and in his car. Unknown to me there was some concerns about his interactions with the congregant and the church investigated but found no evidence. Both he and she denied any improper interactions. He resigned about 10 months later telling me he had depression and burnout. The affair continued whilst I worked to support our family and he had continued the affair. The church never told me of their concerns and both OW organised his leaving do.

When he started accepted the call to the new church I still didn't know. I found out soon after. The PA was over but the EA was still ongoing. When I found out I didn't know what to do as I didn't know if there was a process. Instead I made him tell the senior elders of the new church anticipating they would change their mind however they were very naive and sweet taking the "go and sin no more" approach. There was TT for the next 10 months - I think that is over.

At my work I hold a position of responsibility that demands total focus. As I was worried I'd make a potentially tragic mistake I told a few people I trusted to keep an eye on me and tell me if they thought my judgement was questionable. When he broke no contact I asked him to leave and he decided to hang himself. I had to leave work acutely to go to the hospital he was admitted to. I needed time off so i told my boss and by that stage the rumour mill in my department filled most people in.

Over the last 20 months it has got around to about 95% of my colleagues. I have just found out from another colleague who is married to another pastor that there is a proper process that we should have gone through. So now we are investigating that route. No one at our old church knows and only the 2 elders at our new.

BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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