You are not nothing! You sound like a very nice, loving person! And if you have become nothing to your WH, its HIS loss, and NOT a reflection on you.
As Beyonce said:
"Since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you" - (Irreplaceable)
I agree with everyone else who said it - You need to tell the OW husband. He has a right to know...and every day he's living a life that he doesn't even know is a lie, is terrible! In all actuality, you are not the bad guy by telling him, you are doing the right thing!
I hope you find comfort here on SI. everyone is amazing and it can really help get you through rough days.
Together 7 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
God brought her back into his life
have I just been in the way of a pre-ordained, God-sanctioned, Official Great Love
I know it hurts to hear this crap, but with time it will seem laughably ridiculous - I doubt there is a WS/AP couple who haven't said these same stupid things.
You know he doesn't really love her, because he doesn't sound like he is capable of loving anyone.
Please get a good lawyer and an IC. That shit he pulled the night you outed him was abusive and threatening. Ask the lawyer about the possibilities of a restraining order. You don't want someone that volatile around you, but you also don't want to be intimidated into getting less than you deserve in the separation.
I hate him for you. You sound like a lovely and intelligent person.
[This message edited by Lyonesse at 11:22 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]
We have a home and shared our families and built a life and a business together. Turns out, I'm just Nobody, Nothing. How can that be? Am I really that awful that I don't deserve respect, or love, or even a heads-up? I am nobody, just means to and end or a piece of tail? I am so alone.
Fuck that. you sound like a caring, loving wife. You are being emotionally used and abused. The only reason you feel like nothing is because that's how he is treating you.
You. Deserve. Better.
Go get a lawyer. Once your H is forced to face reality, you'll see him for the loser he is. Until then he's going to stomp your soul into the dirt.
Talked to WH (STBX?) who told me their private gmail account (yeah I had not yet mentioned that--it's her name, then firstname.lastname@example.org) had been deleted. So I hacked it, through password change. Not real proud. However, the info I found indicated that the two of them are thinking they'll throw their spouses over in order to be together, and accused me and the other spouse of thriving on drama. And "we'll get to the other side of this." Dudes, I may be living on a crazy planet, but my goal in life is one thing--Peace. It's all I want for me and mine. I am known as an uber-respectful, calm, zen-like person. I have not created this drama, yet I am being accused of it. WTF?
I tried to contact the OW's husband at work...had to leave a message, so that probably won't work.
Work-wise, I'm trying to get any equipment borrowed back to its original owner. Some of those people are my friends. One has said "we'll talk." Not sure what to say to him. His nickname is my "brother," and we've always talked candidly as siblings, d/t age difference. Should I reach out to him, or just assume he's on the side of WH?
It is so shocking to discover the person you gave nothing but love to suddenly is treating you like the enemy. However, it is strangely comforting (and incredibly depressing) to realize this same scenario is being repeated all over the country by almost every cheater - this is why those of us who have been on here a while just shrug and say it is textbook behavior (but it hurt unbelievably and was so confusing when it was happening to us!). Just know that you did nothing to cause this - he has a serous character defect and is doing everything he can to deflect guilt and blame from himself. It's cruel and it is low-down, and it is very very common. As you read other stories here you will see just how common. It's hard not to take it personally, but it really is not about you - it is about him. He protests and blameshifts precisely because he knows what a loathsome screw-up he is being.
As for this work colleague - I'd keep the details of what is happening to your inner circle. If you are not sure if he would repeat things to WH, be cautious. Let him talk first and see what he wants to say - perhaps he has information that he wasn't sure he should share with you.
Now please tell me you have contacted a shark lawyer. You can be all zen and peaceful later. If you financed this recording studio, then it is yours. Don't let him get away with deciding the terms of everything. Have a lawyer draft the most advantageous deal possible for you - if WH is so eager to move on to his shiny new life, he may just sign it. And don't expect him to behave decently - he hasn't so far! Move immediately to take at least half of any joint accounts and put it in a private account - get him off any credit cards in your name. If you are both M and in business together, you really need some good legal advice.
You are not at fault here. God played no hand in this. One man's selfish choices did.
Its currently no consolation, but you are well rid of him.
One day, from the great new life awaiting you in the future, you will be able to look back and laugh at his idiocy for throwing you away.
That's it...I want out of this, as quickly as possible. I'm done and done for. It does not matter what I feel, it does no matter who I am. I am done and done for, both at the same time.
It's a long road but at least you know the destination now.
So I obviously had never heard of the 180 on D-Day. Instinctively, though, as hurt as I was and as demeaned as I felt, I KNEW some self-TLC was in order. All the sacrificing I'd done for years was over. It was time for me. Not in a selfish way, mind you, but in an imperative way. If I didn't spend some time building myself up in any imaginable way I could think up, I simply wasn't going to survive the horror and heartbreak.
The holiday months (mid-November through mid-January) were pretty bleak--so bleak that it's hard to remember much. It's a blur. I recall few specifics except that I went to the gym a lot (had started with my son about 1 week before finding out about prostitute #1), I spent lots of time with my kids, and I finally shared with my BFF and my IC what was happening. The situation was so shameful to me that I couldn't even express it initially. As low as I felt, I didn't feel ashamed of myself, but I did still feel tainted by his actions. And, yes, I did feel worthless.
By the time his confession came, two months after P#!), I was not "better" (still not), but I could breathe. I could think. I had pulled myself together. I felt worthy of more love and devotion and respect and loyalty than I had gotten. I could look in the mirror and see a flawed but still lovely woman with value and morals and personality--someone deserving of lasting love and commitment.
Your WH's cruel pettiness and outrageous lies aren't to be borne and they aren't to be believed. That's an order! Right now, take care of YOU. Dote on yourself. Read what you want. Buy what you want. Eat what you want. Go where you want. Laugh and cry and scream when you want. Mixed in with that, follow all the advice your L gives you. But remember, every day, to pamper yourself in some small way. Weeks and months and years from now, you'll thank yourself for that.
And, truthfully, as you get beyond his orbit, your feelings of nothingness will fade. One way of escaping his influence, is to realize how little he--this new person he's morphed into--means to you and your future. Hugs galore!
If you can find an address for the OW's husband, then you need to print hard copies of all the information you have - emails, texts, pictures, chat logs - ALL OF IT. Send it to him via registered mail with HIS signature required. Let him see for himself exactly what the "drama" is.
I agree with this.
Also get in to see a lawyer. Start working on you and your future. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Use your anger to concur your fears.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
My read on the OBS's response to my reach-out is that he already knew. (Otherwise, how would he have contacted my WH?) I am apparently the last to know, of the 4 of us.
The pain is still there, still keen, but I've got to put it aside today to deal with practical matters. Sorting through to find a lesson in this or to put it into perspective will have to wait for when I have the luxury of time. Right now, knowing any more is not going to help me do what I must to get through this immediate task. I've no doubt I have only discovered the tip of this crap iceberg, but finding out more does not change my situation.
Logic, baby, logic! I am Vulcan today. Live long and prosper, ya'll.
Your actions seem quality too me. Nobody takes advantage of YOU. Good.
The pain is still there
My situation is a lot like yours, but I am a few weeks ahead of you.
It is so hard to understand how they can walk away being so hateful and ugly as if we never meant anything. I don't have any words of wisdom for you but know that you are not alone. I like to think of it as WH is in a fog, but as he filed for divorce pretty quickly, that is a luxury I really don't have.
I just try to get through each day one at a time. Any distraction helps.
((Hugs to you)))
So sorry you are being treated so poorly by someone you loved. That guy is gone, he has been altered. This new one is the one you have to deal with now. That is so shocking. Unfortunately you still have your love for the old man.
Honey, I know how hard this is. He is an ass now. He yanked the band-off all at once which is painful but actually means that the healing can start immediately. No lying, gaslighting, pretending its over and then rediscovering more. He didn't make years of your life a lie, but many months which is bad enough. You found out and now the lies are no longer behind your back.
You can be decisive.
Post here often. Any question you have will bring forth many experienced answers.
You are a strong, good person. That comes through in your posts. And you are better than both of them put together. Keep showing them that.
I will be thinking of you and sending you strength.