Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SouthernChild (44917)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Turns out I'm nobody
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

protect yourself and your finances-----he might just want to spend all your money 'on the love of his life'-----do't worry about what you meant to him or not----that is the past---it is over and done with----you live in the present time not the past----the important concept is that he does not care about you NOW----it is all about her---she has taken over his mind,emotions and heart-----you have to take care of yourself NOW and stop yourself thinking about the PAST---YOU ONLY HAVE NOW TO WORRY ABOUT

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey WintersBranch,

You are not nothing! You sound like a very nice, loving person! And if you have become nothing to your WH, its HIS loss, and NOT a reflection on you.

As Beyonce said:

"Since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you" - (Irreplaceable)

I agree with everyone else who said it - You need to tell the OW husband. He has a right to know...and every day he's living a life that he doesn't even know is a lie, is terrible! In all actuality, you are not the bad guy by telling him, you are doing the right thing!

I hope you find comfort here on SI. everyone is amazing and it can really help get you through rough days.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God brought her back into his life
have I just been in the way of a pre-ordained, God-sanctioned, Official Great Love
Wow, it hurts to hear God has been spending all his time bringing together star-crossed skeezy losers - I would've thought He had bigger demands on His time ...and better standards!

I know it hurts to hear this crap, but with time it will seem laughably ridiculous - I doubt there is a WS/AP couple who haven't said these same stupid things.

You know he doesn't really love her, because he doesn't sound like he is capable of loving anyone.

Please get a good lawyer and an IC. That shit he pulled the night you outed him was abusive and threatening. Ask the lawyer about the possibilities of a restraining order. You don't want someone that volatile around you, but you also don't want to be intimidated into getting less than you deserve in the separation.

I hate him for you. You sound like a lovely and intelligent person.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 11:22 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have a home and shared our families and built a life and a business together. Turns out, I'm just Nobody, Nothing. How can that be? Am I really that awful that I don't deserve respect, or love, or even a heads-up? I am nobody, just means to and end or a piece of tail? I am so alone.

Fuck that. you sound like a caring, loving wife. You are being emotionally used and abused. The only reason you feel like nothing is because that's how he is treating you.

You. Deserve. Better.

Go get a lawyer. Once your H is forced to face reality, you'll see him for the loser he is. Until then he's going to stomp your soul into the dirt.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all do not know how much your support means to me, because I cannot properly express it.

Talked to WH (STBX?) who told me their private gmail account (yeah I had not yet mentioned that--it's her name, then directline@gmail.com) had been deleted. So I hacked it, through password change. Not real proud. However, the info I found indicated that the two of them are thinking they'll throw their spouses over in order to be together, and accused me and the other spouse of thriving on drama. And "we'll get to the other side of this." Dudes, I may be living on a crazy planet, but my goal in life is one thing--Peace. It's all I want for me and mine. I am known as an uber-respectful, calm, zen-like person. I have not created this drama, yet I am being accused of it. WTF?

I tried to contact the OW's husband at work...had to leave a message, so that probably won't work.

Work-wise, I'm trying to get any equipment borrowed back to its original owner. Some of those people are my friends. One has said "we'll talk." Not sure what to say to him. His nickname is my "brother," and we've always talked candidly as siblings, d/t age difference. Should I reach out to him, or just assume he's on the side of WH?


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2014
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All that defensiveness, blameshifting, is textbook cheater. Everyone else has to be at fault, or else they would have to face their shitty selves. ESPECIALLY their spouses have to be demonized!

It is so shocking to discover the person you gave nothing but love to suddenly is treating you like the enemy. However, it is strangely comforting (and incredibly depressing) to realize this same scenario is being repeated all over the country by almost every cheater - this is why those of us who have been on here a while just shrug and say it is textbook behavior (but it hurt unbelievably and was so confusing when it was happening to us!). Just know that you did nothing to cause this - he has a serous character defect and is doing everything he can to deflect guilt and blame from himself. It's cruel and it is low-down, and it is very very common. As you read other stories here you will see just how common. It's hard not to take it personally, but it really is not about you - it is about him. He protests and blameshifts precisely because he knows what a loathsome screw-up he is being.

As for this work colleague - I'd keep the details of what is happening to your inner circle. If you are not sure if he would repeat things to WH, be cautious. Let him talk first and see what he wants to say - perhaps he has information that he wasn't sure he should share with you.

Now please tell me you have contacted a shark lawyer. You can be all zen and peaceful later. If you financed this recording studio, then it is yours. Don't let him get away with deciding the terms of everything. Have a lawyer draft the most advantageous deal possible for you - if WH is so eager to move on to his shiny new life, he may just sign it. And don't expect him to behave decently - he hasn't so far! Move immediately to take at least half of any joint accounts and put it in a private account - get him off any credit cards in your name. If you are both M and in business together, you really need some good legal advice.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
HeartbrokenDude
♂ Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His anger and verbal tirades after you found out tell you all you need to know--somewhere inside he knows what he did is deeply, deeply wrong, and he's redirecting that at you. He's too much of a coward to admit the truth.

You are not at fault here. God played no hand in this. One man's selfish choices did.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its the lack of respect that makes me angry. So jerk has found his true love and fulfilled all of his dreams; can't he be kind and respectable just before he rides off into the sunset? Why be cruel and vicious? Getting angry when his wife cries?

Its currently no consolation, but you are well rid of him.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't let their twisted perception of you and your love of 'drama' ( ) seep into your mind. It's hard to be seen in such a backwards light by someone we loved and trusted but remember that it IS backwards.

One day, from the great new life awaiting you in the future, you will be able to look back and laugh at his idiocy for throwing you away.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4152 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Major backfire--the OWBS chose not to call me back, but to call my WH instead and ask who I am. WH told him that I am his ex, since he moved out two weeks ago. Now there is drama, and I have to say I am mad as I can be about it. All that's happened here is that their little dreamworld has been reinforced.

That's it...I want out of this, as quickly as possible. I'm done and done for. It does not matter what I feel, it does no matter who I am. I am done and done for, both at the same time.


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does matter what you feel...for you. But for the situation, yes, it won't impact what happens. A cold, hard truth but one that will move you well along into healing if you accept it, as you seem to be! You can't control your WH and he is disregarding your choices, preferences entirely. But by accepting that you are saving yourself a lot of pain and accelerating your healing.

It's a long road but at least you know the destination now.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4152 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can find an address for the OW's husband, then you need to print hard copies of all the information you have - emails, texts, pictures, chat logs - ALL OF IT. Send it to him via registered mail with HIS signature required. Let him see for himself exactly what the "drama" is.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 549 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately for me, I did not find SI until 6 months after my SLAWH confessed to an A. Three or 4 months prior to that confession, I'd believed he was engaged in an EA, I'd found proof he'd met up with a prostitute, and I'd suspected that he'd paid for more sex while on a business trip. Monstrous, monstrous, monstrous. In some form or another, all of us here "get" what you're going through. We also "get" the wayward's lingo and the cheater's handbook.

So I obviously had never heard of the 180 on D-Day. Instinctively, though, as hurt as I was and as demeaned as I felt, I KNEW some self-TLC was in order. All the sacrificing I'd done for years was over. It was time for me. Not in a selfish way, mind you, but in an imperative way. If I didn't spend some time building myself up in any imaginable way I could think up, I simply wasn't going to survive the horror and heartbreak.

The holiday months (mid-November through mid-January) were pretty bleak--so bleak that it's hard to remember much. It's a blur. I recall few specifics except that I went to the gym a lot (had started with my son about 1 week before finding out about prostitute #1), I spent lots of time with my kids, and I finally shared with my BFF and my IC what was happening. The situation was so shameful to me that I couldn't even express it initially. As low as I felt, I didn't feel ashamed of myself, but I did still feel tainted by his actions. And, yes, I did feel worthless.

By the time his confession came, two months after P#!), I was not "better" (still not), but I could breathe. I could think. I had pulled myself together. I felt worthy of more love and devotion and respect and loyalty than I had gotten. I could look in the mirror and see a flawed but still lovely woman with value and morals and personality--someone deserving of lasting love and commitment.

Your WH's cruel pettiness and outrageous lies aren't to be borne and they aren't to be believed. That's an order! Right now, take care of YOU. Dote on yourself. Read what you want. Buy what you want. Eat what you want. Go where you want. Laugh and cry and scream when you want. Mixed in with that, follow all the advice your L gives you. But remember, every day, to pamper yourself in some small way. Weeks and months and years from now, you'll thank yourself for that.

And, truthfully, as you get beyond his orbit, your feelings of nothingness will fade. One way of escaping his influence, is to realize how little he--this new person he's morphed into--means to you and your future. Hugs galore!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 454 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you----so,so,sorry you are going thru this----he is so cruel----please see a lawyer

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can find an address for the OW's husband, then you need to print hard copies of all the information you have - emails, texts, pictures, chat logs - ALL OF IT. Send it to him via registered mail with HIS signature required. Let him see for himself exactly what the "drama" is.

I agree with this.

Also get in to see a lawyer. Start working on you and your future. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Use your anger to concur your fears.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is so crazy. Get a restraining order. Send all the info you have to the OBS via certified mail. Love letters, phone records, everything. (copies of course, give the originals to a lawyer).


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I'm keeping it simple. I slept through the night for the first time, got up, showered, and I'm doing laundry and dishes. In a minute I'll go down to the studio and start sorting--folks are to arrive later today to pick up instruments, etc. left behind from sessions.

My read on the OBS's response to my reach-out is that he already knew. (Otherwise, how would he have contacted my WH?) I am apparently the last to know, of the 4 of us.

The pain is still there, still keen, but I've got to put it aside today to deal with practical matters. Sorting through to find a lesson in this or to put it into perspective will have to wait for when I have the luxury of time. Right now, knowing any more is not going to help me do what I must to get through this immediate task. I've no doubt I have only discovered the tip of this crap iceberg, but finding out more does not change my situation.

Logic, baby, logic! I am Vulcan today. Live long and prosper, ya'll.


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2014
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WinterBranch.

Your actions seem quality too me. Nobody takes advantage of YOU. Good.

The pain is still there

yeh, it will be there for awhile. You handle it and always take the strong high road.. and your good will come.



Posts: 2674 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
FeelingLost13
♀ New Member
Member # 42504
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Winter Branch,

My situation is a lot like yours, but I am a few weeks ahead of you.

It is so hard to understand how they can walk away being so hateful and ugly as if we never meant anything. I don't have any words of wisdom for you but know that you are not alone. I like to think of it as WH is in a fog, but as he filed for divorce pretty quickly, that is a luxury I really don't have.

I just try to get through each day one at a time. Any distraction helps.


Me: BW-36
WH-39
No children
Together: 15 years Married: 11
DD: 1/7/14
He filed: 1/27/14

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Winter Branch,

((Hugs to you)))

So sorry you are being treated so poorly by someone you loved. That guy is gone, he has been altered. This new one is the one you have to deal with now. That is so shocking. Unfortunately you still have your love for the old man.
Honey, I know how hard this is. He is an ass now. He yanked the band-off all at once which is painful but actually means that the healing can start immediately. No lying, gaslighting, pretending its over and then rediscovering more. He didn't make years of your life a lie, but many months which is bad enough. You found out and now the lies are no longer behind your back.
You can be decisive.
Post here often. Any question you have will bring forth many experienced answers.
You are a strong, good person. That comes through in your posts. And you are better than both of them put together. Keep showing them that.
I will be thinking of you and sending you strength.
MIP



DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 60
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.