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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Turns out I'm nobody
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all. Your support and your ears (eyes? for reading posts?) has meant so much to me this week.

I did find a person of support this afternoon--Yay! (there's been precious few of late.) But I also opened a bunch of mail from creditors and realized there are many thousands of dollars unaccounted for, so I guess they've all gone to the business of pursuing the OW. Crapdogs, yo! I am ready to catch a break in this situation. I intercepted the water being cut off, but there are a bunch more bills in default that I didn't know--I guess he's been going through the mail (I work a.m.'s, he worked p.m.'s) and just throwing away collection notices. And when I've asked, over the past year, he's assured me they've been paid. So now my credit is also screwed. Guess I'll be staying in this house--that's a shame, because it was his grandmother's house and is now in my name. Guess that screws all family relations from that side, cause I'll have to stay here til this is all cleared. Fandamntastic! Oh, and did I tell you? I live in a small town,where he grew up, so all this crap is not only known, I am sure, but discussed at large. Crap and crap!


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I live in a small town,where he grew up, so all this crap is not only known, I am sure, but discussed at large. Crap and crap!

I'm sure this hurts having people up in your business but hold your head high. You should not be ashamed, you did nothing wrong. Your "crime" is loving and trusting your husband.

When you see a lawyer you should be able to sue him for half the household income he spent on his girlfriend.

I know you don't feel like it but you are doing very well. ((winterbranch))


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1465 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - so many horrible moments in one story.

First, I doubt OWBS knows. He would have called his wife and told her to tell her boyfriend to have you back off. To call your H directly? I'm betting that this guy thinks he and your WH are friends, which means OW introduced them. Sick.

Second, if the house is in your name, that means you bought it. Since you aren't giving it away and back to his family, I wouldn't worry about it. Has his family contacted you to support you? If not, then you're concerning yourself with people that aren't concerned for you. They probably knew he was planning this.

Third - and most importantly - many of these relationships with someone from the past isn't about the person, it's about the past. Talking to someone from our past brings us back to that time. It makes us feel young, and somehow the memories of the breakup leave.

My H had an EA with an ex from his teenage years. Many others have the same story. It's much more about going back in time mentally than it is anything else. They're all the same. My H even said he was so glad she was back in his life, and also posted songs, etc. It's all very reminiscent of my boyfriend from back in 5th grade. I told my H that if it weren't him, and it didn't cause so much damage to me, I would actually laugh at how pathetic and immature he was, slobbering after some thing from the past like a love sick 10 year old.

Try again to get in touch with OWBS. He may know, but he may not. Don't leave a message. Keep calling until he answers. It just makes no sense that he's calling your WH asking about you and why you're calling. If he knew, he would know why you're calling. And he damned sure wouldn't be friends with your H to the point that he's calling him wondering what you may want.

As for your H - he really is amazing huh? Not paying bills, getting angry when caught, being amazingly irresponsible - sounds like someone that is acting like a teenager huh? LIke I said, back in time.

You did NOTHING to cause this. You trusted your H. You've been being lied to and betrayed for months. Dig into his computer. Send it to a specialist if you must, but get all of the details. Even if you're in a no fault state, let your H know you'll be dragging ALL of their sick, immature 'love messages' into court, and then, once a matter of public record, letting the entire world see what kind of 'man' he is if he tries to take one cent from you.

If he wants to leave, fine, but he does it with things that are his and his alone - clothes and toiletries. Everything else belongs to YOU.

And think about selling the house. If his family doesn't like this, just let them know they are free to make an offer on the home. If it's a fair offer and you accept, they have the home back. If it's not the best offer, or if it isn't a fair offer, then don't sell to them. Again - how many of them have called you to offer support? And how many of them do you think actually had no idea?

(((((WinterBranch)))))

It's time to start focusing on you and your next steps. After all, even if he came home today begging to be forgiven, could you? He's been extremely cold, and this kind of blindsiding is very telling about what kind of person he is inside, and that's a not so nice one.

You've been through so much, and you're holding on wonderfully. I recommend getting into a counselor's office, and calling your physician to see about some short term anti-anxiety medication. I didn't want to do that, but after several months, I finally gave in. They help, much more than I thought they would.

We're here whenever you need support, or to vent, or simply someone to hear you.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only you know what the conversation was like with the OBS. But, it sounds like to me that he was lied to. That, they told him that you were some crazy ex stalking him. All the while denying that there is anything going on between him and his wife and that their affair was the cause of it.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I weird? Just brought up all the songs he sent her, blasted them at top volume, sang 'em all at the top of my lungs while making spaghetti and dancing with the dog.

Gotta politic this thing, or it's gonna sink into redneck abandon. Not me, I'm out of the crazy. Just want the bills paid. I've got a vision of me and my 4 animals with little bandana hobo packs, headed into the sunset. That's right, folks...Elvis HAS left the building! (obviously, meaning the love I felt..now it's just some kinda crappy chess match.)

To STBX: you want her, you got her. Enjoy the hell out of each other. I got some betta things to do. And I truly DO hope they one day fart unicorns and rainbows on each other...did I do that reference right? I also hope they leave the bathroom door open while pooping Skittles. Just sayin'...

In all seriousness, Thanks again and hope everybody has a great Work Week!


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
damnUnicorns
♀ Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hugs! )))What a suck situation. Have to say I loved the last paragraph to your STBX though. Lol.
I needed that laugh really badly today... so THANKS!

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 9:05 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just arrived in this thread and boy....what a change you have made WinterBranch!

So - I'm glad to see you are feeling better than a few days ago. However, just be forewarned that your on a roller coaster right now and those feelings will change in a New York minute some days.

Good for you for taking charge of things.

It will be ok.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nekorb--thanks for your post, and you're right, I am all over the place right now--just trying to embrace the crazy. I am angry, I am hurt, I am betrayed, and my financial position is not what I thought. I regret for you that you have been through enough to be so astute.

Today, I'm just pissed. Yes, indeed, the OWBH knew before me. Now, the WH is telling me he has no intention of being with her, just being without me. Great! You could have worked it out with me instead of cheating, but instead you chose this drama. Does he really think I'm-a in a mood to self-reflect and see his viewpoint? Cuz I'm not...just found out his preference is to be with someone else forever...just her HUSBAND got in the way! Shucks!

[This message edited by WinterBranch at 3:56 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should've started a new thread, but damned if I know where to go with this, and I'd have to give the background all over again...I just can't do that right now. Just know that reading all your stories has made me feel less isolated.

I'm still all over the place, and so is the WH. He was super-angry at ME..don't get that...for the first month or so, now he's morphed into "I feel so guilty...you have to let me help you out of the financial mess I created...I ended it with with the OW...I effed up bad...if you'll accept my help I'll make the debts go away...if you want me to hurt over this you're getting your wish b/c it's killing me..I don't sleep, I don't eat...I wish i could take it back..."

WTF...seriously. I'd appreciate any input. My gut says anger and domination wasn't successful, so he's now trying the opposite technique to manipulate me...but to what end? What is his motivation? I know he's trying to manipulate...I just can't understand why. He was pretty damn clear 4-5 weeks ago that I wasn't worth anything, not even respect...so what is up? Is this man crazy? NPD? Help,please.


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I'm nowhere near as far down this path of devastation that you're on (my dday was 3/6/14), what you are describing sounds like what I've heard others say happen eventually. The WS realizes they F-ed up and now want to go back to what they had.

Now, I can't be sure of this, but I'm sure others will tell you their more experienced viewpoints.

Good luck with things. I do feel you as I'm right there on this roller coaster of craziness.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOC--Welcome! Anything I can help you with, please let me know. I don't post often, but doesn't mean I'm not listening. Thanks for the company on this carnival ride.


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
undertherug
♀ Member
Member # 41580
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course I could be wrong (and frequently am) but it sounds like the OW dumped him and he is looking around for Plan B.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

undertherug--that's what I'm thinking..that faced with losing her 25-year marriage, considering her 2 college-aged children, and her 30-year business with her husband, the OW cut her losses. Of course, WH says HE ended it. Not sure about that. I have got to keep my head above water. I NEVER will be the back-up plan, if I can help it. I deserve to be the A-plan. Just not feeling it today. Thanks so much for your input...it's appreciated more than I can express!

And I don't want either of us to be swept under that... we both deserve more...you hear me?


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheaters are users. When one door is suddenly slammed shut in their faces, they suddenly do a 180 and come back, crying about how awful they feel about what they've done to you and how they can't stand how they've hurt you and blah blah blah.

It's more than likely that the Unicorn and Rainbow parade he and his side piece had going suddenly hit a speed bump in the road. For whatever reason, they've had a sudden parting of the ways. Selfish user that he is, you all of a sudden look real good to him, once more.

That is, until she crooks her finger at him again.

Then you'll be right back to where you were 5 or 6 weeks ago while these two chuckle heads make up.

Let me tell you something. If their oh so wonderful 'relationship' was so valuable to him that he left you and didn't shed a tear, then these two aren't done.

Not by a long shot.

I'd continue ignoring him. He doesn't DESERVE your respect.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if you do decide to reconcile with your unfeeling, now apparently remorseful WH, do so after you divorce. Separate your finances from his. He obviously is not trustworthy; having him as a boyfriend instead as a spouse would be much preferable.

After all the cruelty he has dispensed you probably want to have nothing more to do with him. Thats the route I would take, but, obviously thats your decision to make.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Use his guilt while he's still got it. Use it to get a settlement agreement drawn up that is in your favor. Use it to put yourself on the best possible path away from this jackass.

((((winterbranch))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25007 | Registered: Aug 2011
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, NIK. Just what I'm thinking. Just so hard right now to honor my gut and not listen to what the Former-Man-I-Loved (that's right, FMIL) has to say in his jacked-up crazy point of view. His POV used to mean the world to me, now it's just getting off the bus in Crazy-Town. Sad. Just want to get past it, but I know, I know...TIME...


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
Raspberry
♀ Member
Member # 42853
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. The more I read, the more disappointing it is to see just how many of us are going through the same thing. :( I wish I had more words, but like you, I feel so sad and alone. Hugs

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Raspberry
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read this thread myself, man, that guy is low, how do people treat people that way? i am so sorry that happened to you, you are not "nobody" keep your head up and we are all here to listen.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read this thread myself, man, that guy is low, how do people treat people that way? i am so sorry that happened to you, you are not "nobody" keep your head up and we are all here to listen.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
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