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Newest Member: Momof3bz (44929)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Enablers
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some some quick validation! My WH just went to a therapy session were they diagnosed some serious alcohol abuse issues. His sisters went with to his appointment so they are completely in the know.

Then.... Last night they took him to a bar for dinner. Am I wrong for being mad? I am not mad that they are supporting him. Just feel like a different venue would have been vastly more appropriate!


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts..

Yes, seems inappropriate. He is a grown man this will need to be his choice. His sister can be an enabler, but this is really about... YOU.

There are ways of handling this. You can get angry, yell, force.. etc.. IMO, This will not work. It will take some actions.

Have you had enough? Can you protect yourself enough to start some pressure.. or even an ulimatum, your call since you know your situation the best.

Here are some thoughts... Under control, not rattled.. planned and short and sweet. Add some pressure.

Pressure.. light pressures
Close marriages do not include addictions, what can I do to help you?

then move to heavy pressures...
I am not going to be in any relationship with addictions. Either you quit, or I must move to a safer place for me.

the ultimatum..
When you get sober, only then will I be around you. Bye.

Peace

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:10 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2674 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
K Phantom
♂ Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Letís have alcoholicís anonymous meeting in a bar, or narcotic's anonymous meeting in a crack house.

Of course you are right!


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 511 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
Mommato5
♀ New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You! I can't believe I even just had this conversation with her!


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he currently in a 12-step program?

While you may see it as a bit disrespectful, at the same time, the whole entire world shouldn't have to adjust their lives just because your husband has abused HIS privilege to drink. Maybe his sister's prefer the food there. Maybe the place has the best burgers in town.

I was married to a recovering alcoholic who was 3 years sober, and one of the FIRST things he told me was that *I* hadn't abused my privilege to enjoy an occasional drink or wine at dinner, and just because he HAD abused it, he wasn't going to punish ME for it by denying me the opportunity to continue doing so. I think he was absolutely right.

JMHO.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While you may see it as a bit disrespectful, at the same time, the whole entire world shouldn't have to adjust their lives just because your husband has abused HIS privilege to drink

I get this but he was JUST diagnosed. He does NOT have a handle on his addiction right now. It was completely inappropriate.

It allows her to minimize what his diagnosis means. Very possible his diagnosis stirs up issues she has in herself. That's usually the deal with enablers. It's a sign of problems within them.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 9:06 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1757 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As the husband to a recovering alcoholic, I understand the philosophy that the world is not supposed to be turned upside down to accommodate the abuser. They have to learn to function the way the world exists around them.

But I never understood why it is so damn important to not make ANY sacrifices to help them recover. I don't ask my wife to go out to socialize at bars. I don't order alcoholic drinks at dinner. I don't drink alcohol at a social gathering. It is not a big sacrifice to me, and no matter what the 12 steps state, I want my wife to at least subconsciously know that I support her sober life.

My neighbors, now divorced, had alcoholism in their life before I did. The husband was the drinker, and his then wife preached the importance to not shelter him. She kept alcohol in the house, drank often by herself(I do believe that she currently has a drinking problem), and eventually, alcohol finished off the marriage.

Could/Would it have been saved? Who knows. But I can definitely tell you that she wasn't sympathetic to his disease.

I am not an enabler. I am not a protectionist. I use what I think is logical, rational thought around my wife's drinking issues. That is why, like BtraydWife, I am blown away by your SILs behavior. Why stir the kettle? Why the conflicting messages to their brother....especially when he is just coming to grips with his issues?


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 7

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