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User Topic: Exposing other man
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, revenge. The plots in my mind would get me arrested and on the 10 o'clock news. I even priced a billboard on the interstate a while back because OW depends on charitable funding, generally church contacts, to keep her organization going. I hold her professional future in my hand and a few phone calls would crash her flimsy life.

I have to be the better person. For me. Real revenge would crush ME eventually. But, a little dog poo under her car door handles or a little crisco under her wipers might be fun. Nah, but my imagination can be fun.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1473 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 X 4 Warning!

1) He didn't ruin your life. He's involved in ruining one part of it, but you are a lot more than your M.

2) Beating him up wasn't enough because revenge doesn't soothe the pain for more than a moment or 2. Your pain is in you, and you have to focus inside you to make the changes that will allow you to stop hurting.

Every moment and unit of energy you spend on revenge just delays your healing.

Heal yourself, bro.

3) There's no compensation for being betrayed. Life just isn't fair. Deal with it like the adult you are.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10083 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Uhtred)))

It may seem odd to respond with hugs, but I can see that your wanting to expose the OM stems from being in pain. I hate that you and everyone (BS, WS, & MH)on this site, is or has been in pain.

After Dday and false R, there was a ball of rage in my chest. It wasn't anger and sadness. It was an all consuming, pounding grapefruit sized ball of heartbreaking pain and rage. The OW and my x deserved to know the pain I felt.

The thing is, nothing you do will make the OP feel everything that you are going through. He can't. He isn't you. This is your pain. Realizing and accepting that was hard for me. In time (I hate waiting), it does get better. I didn't believe it could, but I was wrong. Please try redirecting all of that energy towards helping yourself heal. Sending hope for better days.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:16 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]


Posts: 35192 | Registered: Mar 2011
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a serious question along these lines but it's not about revenge. It's more along the lines of wanting to protect the AP's wife from remaining in a blind relationship with a man who would step out and have sex with my spouse behind her back. This particular AP that my WS had is a married man with 3 children of his own. He engaged in a sexual relationship with my WS, who is also the mother of our child.

It's a situation of this guy stepping on my turf and very nearly destroying our family but yet getting to return home to his with no consequence and continue to be a foul husband to his wife who has no idea what has happened.

This guy is also the only person who responded to my WS when she told everyone I found out what was going on and that the contact was over. His reply? "Delete all my shit" and that was all he said.

Thoughts? Should I attempt to make any effort to publicly shame this man and/or possibly attempt to inform his wife about what happened? Or would that just be pointless. The only real satisfaction I would get out of it would be to know that I had helped someone else in this world pull the wool off their eyes. The same type of wool that blinded me for so long.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
MinorBee
♀ Member
Member # 17895
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there are photos somewhere, even if they were taken with phones/equipment you own you do NOT own the photos.

In most places in the world photos are owned by the person who took the picture (whoever pushed the shutter button owns the copyright) and you could get in trouble for passing around material you DO NOT own, which is againist a lot of laws.

The only situation I can think of where a person pushes the shutter button on a camera but the equipment owner owns the image is when newspapers and TV stations give equipment to their camera people. Even in these cases the person pushing the shutter button retains certain rights to be paid and acknowledged as the creator of the image.

Putting photos on the internet that were taken by someone else and without a signed release by the person in the photo can get you in a lot of trouble if the right kind of lawyer gets involved. (one who know image law well) You probably won't get jail time for posting photos you don't own but you could wind up facing a huge demand for a monetary settlement, not to mention legal fess while defending yourself.

I wouldn't.


previously married for 20 years
DDays: which time?, OW's which one?

Posts: 457 | Registered: Jan 2008
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just today I saw on MSN something about "upskirt pictures" that are taken in public by pervs to sell on the internet and such are NOT illegal. So I find it kind of hard to believe that nude photos willingly sent to someone's phone are protected by all kinds of laws and copyrights and what-not.

I'm no lawyer, but I don't see how it's perfectly legal to hang around in public and point your camera up a women's skirt when she's innocently going up the elevator or bending over to pick up something - and be able to sell it for a profit. and that's legal.

Yet, pictures willingly sent to someone else's phone are 100% protected and should be treated with kid gloves.

I don't get it.

Someone mentioned 'slander,' but slander is the spoken word. Libel is the written word, so 'slander' doesn't even come apply in this case.

OP, I admit it. I had a ton of fun sharing a bunch of very embarrassing photos of a cheating assclown ex many years ago. I made all his embarrassing photos completely available for download on a peer-to-peer network sharing site, about 15 years ago. I don't regret it for a second, the SWAT team never came to get me, and quite frankly, I thought it was funny as hell.

So it was all good.

Your mileage may vary, of course.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suppose a lot WW and their OM have a lot of friends in common. One word....
Facebook


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erasmus,

You need to contact the other man's wife and let the cat out of the bag. Not for revenge but to squash the last bit of life out of the affair. If you are trying to reconcile with your wife then I believe that this will put pressure on the man to potentially never contact your wife again. Two eyes on the problem are better than one.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erasmus-

Yes, tell her. She has a right to know. I just did this recently...I sent an anonymous letter to a BH...I don't (and won't) ever know if he got it and what happened, but he deserved to know who he's married to.

Uhtred-

I just don't think you're going to feel any better from doing anything. I mean, most of us BH feel like we'd feel better if we just got to pop OM in the mouth once or twice...well, you go to do that and you still want more, so what really makes you think this is going to finally satisfy your (well-placed) lust for vengeance. I feel your pain....I hope all the bad things in life happen to OM, and no one but OM, ever. But even if they do, the hurt will still be there.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2078 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LearnToLetGo
♀ Member
Member # 19900
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A quick note - the 'upskirt' photos were allowed specifically because the victims were clothed, therefore the law in the state where the case was taking place did not consider it an invasion of their privacy. Nudes would have been illegal. State laws may vary.


Me - 30s
FWH/OM to WOW - 40s
Wannabe Other Woman - my mother's age.
DDay - 2002

Reconciled.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Canada
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had this fantasy of creating flyers with my ex's photo and a message warning away women. I thought about putting it in the bars near his place and also sending it to the local neighborhood blogs which totally would have picked it up.

It was probably a helpful fantasy for me, a way to channel my anger. But I knew doing it would take a lot of energy and I didn't want to put my energy in that direction. KWIM? There are better places where I can direct it and help myself instead of c=focusing on harming him.

So I think you can indulge in thinking about whatever revenge fantasies you want...but that when it comes to doing you should take actions that are focused on you.

Unfortunately the world is not a just place and we cannot control is someone is properly punished for having hurt us. But we can live a good life despite what has been done to us.

And at least you know that everyone at SI is onto this POS and hates him for you

Sending you hugs, strength and understanding.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
ICECOLD
♀ New Member
Member # 40258
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what would be a great revenge if it didn't break NC? Informing the OM that one day when he least expects it, you intend to email his disgusting pictures all around his work place but you don't tell him when to keep him freaked out. Then you never do it! HAHAHA

Its often said, the anticipation of death is worst then death itself


"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit."

"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"

BS:47
WS:45
Kids

R: one foot in, and one foot out


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Atlanta GA
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was already mentioned but Facebook is a good idea. Set up a fictitious account. Make a few of the OM's friends your FB friends on the new account. Then write a post about the facts of the OM's involvement in the A. Tag the friend in the post and also the OM. All of the OM's FB friends will see it. I would not post pics. Just facts. Fictitious names to protect the innocent. This works like a charm.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Oct 2013
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gman1,

A truly, deliciously, evil idea and a very public way to expose the OM. It could, however, potentially expose his children to information that children need not see. Especially about their father, even tho the man is human filth. It's something that IMO must be between the OM and his BW.

I would make every effort to ensure that the exposure was done so tactfully and without any semblance of vindictiveness. My concern, at least in my circumstances, would be for his BW and to also create a wedge so deep between my WS and him that he would crawl in a hole before ever daring to contact my WS again. First time I can be an adult. Second time he gets to see the monster.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read each and every response and I thank you all for them. I tend to believe I'm wired quite a bit differently than most. I've always believed in an eye for an eye.

It will and does make me feel better to get as even as I can. I don't spend days on end being angry with this retard but it crosses my mind and I want vengeance. Beating on his head did make me feel better and only wish now I'd given him a few more.

Some may call this savagery but that is the appropriate response when another man fucks your wife, looks you in the eye, and treats you as a friend.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with you Uhtred. Actions have consequences. I would not really be too worried about exposing to any of his family members. It was his disgusting actions and his horrible choices that he will have to deal with. IMO, he made his bed and now he will have to lie in it. A little public humiliation may be good for his soul....if he has one.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Oct 2013
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred & Gman,

Trust me guys, I know where you are coming from. It's like that scene in Raging Bull.. you fuck my wife? you fuck my wife? It's EVERY man's reaction to this situation and I feel it just as strongly as both of you do. Every second of the day.

I'd like to tear the man limb from limb and bathe in his blood. I'd like to watch him suffer the same way, that through my spouse he's made me suffer. I'd like to go to bed knowing that I have destroyed this person completely, utterly & without restraint or remorse.

The problem is that there are still innocent lives at stake and no matter how bad the pain or how deep the hurt, bringing innocent people into this, especially children is wrong. As wrong as it would be on the flip side of the equation, if I was the wayward partner and I had wronged him by sleeping with his wife and he did something that exposed my child to ANY of this.

These are adult problems that MUST remain between adults. Damaging the future of a child or their perception of a parent, no matter how rotten the parent's actions are, is not acceptable under any circumstances. (of course if there is some kind of abuse towards a child then all bets are off and they must be protected, but that's not what we're talking about here)

It feels good to talk about the things we would like to do to these men. If the problem is deep enough, as I do believe it is in my case, then yes. Some kind of action should be taken. But again, and I cannot cannot stress this sentiment enough, it cannot be about selfish revenge.

What our partners did to us was the supreme definition of selfishness. What the OM have done to their partners is the supreme definition of selfishness. But allowing selfishness within ourselves to take control and to lash back out doesn't help or solve anything. It only serves to inflict pain for no other reason that revenge.

I get it guys. But an eye for an eye makes the world blind. It's cliche and overused, but it is very very true. Our intentions in outing the other men must be grounded in healing or helping to protect another spouse who is actively being wounded by these people.

I've searched the deepest parts of my soul and I know this to be true. I know that doing it in an effort to cause someone else the same pain would be fruitless in the end.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must disagree with Erasmus. The truth is the truth. The damage has been done by those committing the adultery, not the messenger.. Shining the light on the cockroaches exposes the weakness of these people and prevents it from continuing. It also serve as a warning about others that seem to be enabling of this kind of behavior as acceptable. Nobody is saying to rat them out to their children, but if they see it, so be it. The spouse must definitely be informed, as that is the only decent thing to do. ( I doubt it will be a total surprise to her ).
I refuse to accept the blame for any of this or the consequences of the fallout. They knew the risks.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twisted,

My point was more about the fact that it can be done in a tactful way. Why respond with hatred and anger and the ultimate goal of revenge?

Maybe it's just me, and its why I even discuss the issue here, that something inside me is telling me... Screaming at me to not give in to revenge.

Yes, the other spouse must know, and you are most likely correct that she already suspects. I do NOT disagree with this point at all. But I do feel strongly that it can be done in a way where young lives can be spared.

When I was young this happened in my family. My father cheated on my mother for 25 years. When the whole horrible truth came out my siblings and I were exposed to ALL of it. It. Crushed. Us.

At least for myself I know that facing a similar situation as an adult I have the opportunity to choose to make the effort to not be the one who exposes their children to this shit. Directly or indirectly. If it happens through their actions as a result of me informing the other spouse, so be it. At that point the facts are in their hands.

[This message edited by Erasmus at 10:29 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case I don't need to worry about the other man's kids. He's a fucking grandpa with grand kids my kids ages. His kids are my age. Fuckem, fuckem all. He called down the thunder and he definitely felt the sting of my hands and will continue to do so as long as I get a chance. It will never even the score I know. But I do hate this mother fucker and he is my enemy forever. I don't have an enemy in the world except this guy and my wayward wife.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Topic Posts: 64
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