I have to be the better person. For me. Real revenge would crush ME eventually. But, a little dog poo under her car door handles or a little crisco under her wipers might be fun. Nah, but my imagination can be fun.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
1) He didn't ruin your life. He's involved in ruining one part of it, but you are a lot more than your M.
2) Beating him up wasn't enough because revenge doesn't soothe the pain for more than a moment or 2. Your pain is in you, and you have to focus inside you to make the changes that will allow you to stop hurting.
Every moment and unit of energy you spend on revenge just delays your healing.
Heal yourself, bro.
3) There's no compensation for being betrayed. Life just isn't fair. Deal with it like the adult you are.
It may seem odd to respond with hugs, but I can see that your wanting to expose the OM stems from being in pain. I hate that you and everyone (BS, WS, & MH)on this site, is or has been in pain.
After Dday and false R, there was a ball of rage in my chest. It wasn't anger and sadness. It was an all consuming, pounding grapefruit sized ball of heartbreaking pain and rage. The OW and my x deserved to know the pain I felt.
The thing is, nothing you do will make the OP feel everything that you are going through. He can't. He isn't you. This is your pain. Realizing and accepting that was hard for me. In time (I hate waiting), it does get better. I didn't believe it could, but I was wrong. Please try redirecting all of that energy towards helping yourself heal. Sending hope for better days.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:16 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]
It's a situation of this guy stepping on my turf and very nearly destroying our family but yet getting to return home to his with no consequence and continue to be a foul husband to his wife who has no idea what has happened.
This guy is also the only person who responded to my WS when she told everyone I found out what was going on and that the contact was over. His reply? "Delete all my shit" and that was all he said.
Thoughts? Should I attempt to make any effort to publicly shame this man and/or possibly attempt to inform his wife about what happened? Or would that just be pointless. The only real satisfaction I would get out of it would be to know that I had helped someone else in this world pull the wool off their eyes. The same type of wool that blinded me for so long.
In most places in the world photos are owned by the person who took the picture (whoever pushed the shutter button owns the copyright) and you could get in trouble for passing around material you DO NOT own, which is againist a lot of laws.
The only situation I can think of where a person pushes the shutter button on a camera but the equipment owner owns the image is when newspapers and TV stations give equipment to their camera people. Even in these cases the person pushing the shutter button retains certain rights to be paid and acknowledged as the creator of the image.
Putting photos on the internet that were taken by someone else and without a signed release by the person in the photo can get you in a lot of trouble if the right kind of lawyer gets involved. (one who know image law well) You probably won't get jail time for posting photos you don't own but you could wind up facing a huge demand for a monetary settlement, not to mention legal fess while defending yourself.
I'm no lawyer, but I don't see how it's perfectly legal to hang around in public and point your camera up a women's skirt when she's innocently going up the elevator or bending over to pick up something - and be able to sell it for a profit. and that's legal.
Yet, pictures willingly sent to someone else's phone are 100% protected and should be treated with kid gloves.
I don't get it.
Someone mentioned 'slander,' but slander is the spoken word. Libel is the written word, so 'slander' doesn't even come apply in this case.
OP, I admit it. I had a ton of fun sharing a bunch of very embarrassing photos of a cheating assclown ex many years ago. I made all his embarrassing photos completely available for download on a peer-to-peer network sharing site, about 15 years ago. I don't regret it for a second, the SWAT team never came to get me, and quite frankly, I thought it was funny as hell.
So it was all good.
Your mileage may vary, of course.
You need to contact the other man's wife and let the cat out of the bag. Not for revenge but to squash the last bit of life out of the affair. If you are trying to reconcile with your wife then I believe that this will put pressure on the man to potentially never contact your wife again. Two eyes on the problem are better than one.
Yes, tell her. She has a right to know. I just did this recently...I sent an anonymous letter to a BH...I don't (and won't) ever know if he got it and what happened, but he deserved to know who he's married to.
I just don't think you're going to feel any better from doing anything. I mean, most of us BH feel like we'd feel better if we just got to pop OM in the mouth once or twice...well, you go to do that and you still want more, so what really makes you think this is going to finally satisfy your (well-placed) lust for vengeance. I feel your pain....I hope all the bad things in life happen to OM, and no one but OM, ever. But even if they do, the hurt will still be there.
It was probably a helpful fantasy for me, a way to channel my anger. But I knew doing it would take a lot of energy and I didn't want to put my energy in that direction. KWIM? There are better places where I can direct it and help myself instead of c=focusing on harming him.
So I think you can indulge in thinking about whatever revenge fantasies you want...but that when it comes to doing you should take actions that are focused on you.
Unfortunately the world is not a just place and we cannot control is someone is properly punished for having hurt us. But we can live a good life despite what has been done to us.
And at least you know that everyone at SI is onto this POS and hates him for you
Sending you hugs, strength and understanding.
Its often said, the anticipation of death is worst then death itself
"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"
R: one foot in, and one foot out
A truly, deliciously, evil idea and a very public way to expose the OM. It could, however, potentially expose his children to information that children need not see. Especially about their father, even tho the man is human filth. It's something that IMO must be between the OM and his BW.
I would make every effort to ensure that the exposure was done so tactfully and without any semblance of vindictiveness. My concern, at least in my circumstances, would be for his BW and to also create a wedge so deep between my WS and him that he would crawl in a hole before ever daring to contact my WS again. First time I can be an adult. Second time he gets to see the monster.
It will and does make me feel better to get as even as I can. I don't spend days on end being angry with this retard but it crosses my mind and I want vengeance. Beating on his head did make me feel better and only wish now I'd given him a few more.
Some may call this savagery but that is the appropriate response when another man fucks your wife, looks you in the eye, and treats you as a friend.
Trust me guys, I know where you are coming from. It's like that scene in Raging Bull.. you fuck my wife? you fuck my wife? It's EVERY man's reaction to this situation and I feel it just as strongly as both of you do. Every second of the day.
I'd like to tear the man limb from limb and bathe in his blood. I'd like to watch him suffer the same way, that through my spouse he's made me suffer. I'd like to go to bed knowing that I have destroyed this person completely, utterly & without restraint or remorse.
The problem is that there are still innocent lives at stake and no matter how bad the pain or how deep the hurt, bringing innocent people into this, especially children is wrong. As wrong as it would be on the flip side of the equation, if I was the wayward partner and I had wronged him by sleeping with his wife and he did something that exposed my child to ANY of this.
These are adult problems that MUST remain between adults. Damaging the future of a child or their perception of a parent, no matter how rotten the parent's actions are, is not acceptable under any circumstances. (of course if there is some kind of abuse towards a child then all bets are off and they must be protected, but that's not what we're talking about here)
It feels good to talk about the things we would like to do to these men. If the problem is deep enough, as I do believe it is in my case, then yes. Some kind of action should be taken. But again, and I cannot cannot stress this sentiment enough, it cannot be about selfish revenge.
What our partners did to us was the supreme definition of selfishness. What the OM have done to their partners is the supreme definition of selfishness. But allowing selfishness within ourselves to take control and to lash back out doesn't help or solve anything. It only serves to inflict pain for no other reason that revenge.
I get it guys. But an eye for an eye makes the world blind. It's cliche and overused, but it is very very true. Our intentions in outing the other men must be grounded in healing or helping to protect another spouse who is actively being wounded by these people.
I've searched the deepest parts of my soul and I know this to be true. I know that doing it in an effort to cause someone else the same pain would be fruitless in the end.
My point was more about the fact that it can be done in a tactful way. Why respond with hatred and anger and the ultimate goal of revenge?
Maybe it's just me, and its why I even discuss the issue here, that something inside me is telling me... Screaming at me to not give in to revenge.
Yes, the other spouse must know, and you are most likely correct that she already suspects. I do NOT disagree with this point at all. But I do feel strongly that it can be done in a way where young lives can be spared.
When I was young this happened in my family. My father cheated on my mother for 25 years. When the whole horrible truth came out my siblings and I were exposed to ALL of it. It. Crushed. Us.
At least for myself I know that facing a similar situation as an adult I have the opportunity to choose to make the effort to not be the one who exposes their children to this shit. Directly or indirectly. If it happens through their actions as a result of me informing the other spouse, so be it. At that point the facts are in their hands.
[This message edited by Erasmus at 10:29 AM, March 7th (Friday)]