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User Topic: Exposing other man
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the clarification.

In addition to what MediumRare says, I think you're probably off on a number of things. Consider:

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

You get the idea....

Also, I think you're probably way, way off on this:

If you piss on me on purpose I'm going shit all over you in the worst way I can.

Your W may have been mad enough or resentful enough to want to hurt you, but in all likelihood, om didn't think twice about you.

In most cases, I'm convinced that BSes are really just collateral damage. Sorry.

ETA: One of my guesses is that you think the A is an attack on your sense of being a man, and/or you think others will think less of you because your W cheated.

I think it's true that others who have not been affected by infidelity may think less of you (if they knew). In fact, however, your W's cheating says absolutely nothing about you or your abilities.

Except in very rare cases, being a cuckold doesn't show up in a way that others can see, so you don't have to give any energy to what others might think. I've met a number of BHes at g2gs, and they all seem like strong, capable men to me - and I know they're fBSes. And then there's the former state governor who took his W back after she lived publicly with om for more than year ... I think he could still be governor, except for his desire and/or term limits.

(Of course, if you out om on the 'net, you basically out your W, and that outs you, so you'll get a good test of how people will treat you knowing your W cheated.)

Another guess is that you may have some sense of owning your W - that's the only way I can see for you to think om did something to you when he and your W were doing each other.

In fact, your W is an autonomous adult, and you don't own her in any way. She has many obligations to you, but that's way, way different from owning her.

Your W's cheating reflects on her character, not yours.

What's your goal? You're stuck as a cuckold - there's nothing you can do about that. That's beyond your control. Nothing you do to your W or to om will take that away.

The only goal that makes sense is to heal, and that requires you to focus on feeling good about who you are and what you do. You've been 'thinking' this through with a brain clouded by anger, and you're doing yourself a major disservice. You've got a lot of grief, fear, and even joy inside, and you need to acknowledge and process all of that.

I don't know anything about Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, but in the East Asian martial arts I've come across (Tai Chi Chuan, Aikido, Judo, Krate, etc.), acting out of anger is one of the primary types of action to avoid.

And yet that's what you're contemplating doing and defending. I don't know whether to say 'Bullshit!' or to plead with you to get grounded before you do this....

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:05 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
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Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second ladycody's posts. If you had come to my home and beatdown my fWH I would have tried to defend him and called the police and had you charged. So you were lucky that you got away with that without facing criminal justice system. That being said I have had strong revenge feelings which I have not acted on. Would you have allowed your WW to be attacked as you attacked OM?

You really need to understand that there are 2 sides to this and that the OM's betrayed spouse was probably devastated by what your wife did to her M and her family. I'm guessing this BW was in a long marriage and older than your wife which made this even worse for her. Any further actions you might take against OM will cause her greater stress, fear and pain if they are still together.

It has helped me not to take revenge by being empathetic to the OW's betrayed husband and kids. I don't think about them or about revenge as much but building that empathy and not wanting to hurt them has played out well for me. And importantly taking the high road has helped mitigate revenge actions from the stalker OW or her poor BS.

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ New Member
Member # 42718
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only found out about my husbands affair because the AP boyfriend called me. I am forever grateful to him because I had no idea. He said he would have called me earlier but didn't know how I would respond. This was the most devastating thing to ever happen to me but in retrospect it answered many questions that I had been blind to until that point. Always tell the spouse. Yes, my husband blamed me, lied, hid a second phone, spoke to AP for 2 weeks after N/C. I only found out thru AP boyfriend. AP was lying to everyone and had more then 1 boyfriend. She is trash but so is my spouse. He broke his vows. He is trying to reconcile. He feels foolish but not as foolish as I feel. TELL the spouse.

BS - 61
WH - 67
Married 18 years
6 grown children between us
Her - 3 yr affair w Asian massage girl barely speaks English only has affairs with committed or married men. Scams all of them.
We are in R Who is this man?

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I can respect what your saying. Like I said I'm not a practicing Christian and only referenced the Proverb because I found it interesting that it described how I felt.

I've known the other man and his wife for a number of years and knew him as a "friend". I don't know if I mentioned this or not but my children were also part of this sick twisted affair. My wife using them to see him as much as possible. My children adored this man much like they would a grandfather. He also used my children as an excuse to see my wife.

They talked about him constantly, he has an airplane and they liked going over for visits to his house. They also liked his wife very much. There was much affair talk by him and my wife about how wonderful it would be to start over and take my children with them. That is one of the main reasons I went to his house for blood.

Every time an airplane flew over my 3 year old would wave to the sky and say his name. My wife is responsible for this affair 100%. I hold her accountable. I've never felt an ownership over my wife. Everyone that knows us knows that an affair took place. How do you hide me being in the hospital and losing a finger? My family knows, her family knows.

This is his second or third time being caught doing this according to what his wife told me after the blow up. There is one thing that I've come to realize once I started this thread is that me posting pictures of him online would disgrace his wife even further.

I do not want to hurt this woman. She's a sweet soul and doesn't deserve to be further humiliated. She was gracious enough to allow me to walk out without being arrested.

So in closing this affair didn't just involve my wife and another man. This affair involved who I thought was a trusted friend, my wife, and my children. I'm not a bit sorry for what I've done up to this point. If I could go back in time I'd do it all over again and probably would've added a few more punches.

No one can really say what they would do when you see your children being used as pawns in a sick fucking game between two consenting adults. This and this alone drove me to the measures that I took.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Topic Posts: 64
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