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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: OW delivered by baby
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish i had found this site when i first found out it would of been so helpful in those first few weeks

I don't really know where to start
Maybe from before the affair

In Oct/Nov/Dec 2012 my partner (who happens to be a functioning alcoholic) went through a stint of binge drinking, partly because of a large amount of significant birthdays, wedding festivities (not ours) and general spring /christmas functions.
During this time there was a friend of his that was around a lot and he was obviously flirting and engaging with this woman. I was feeling jealous , I was still breast feeding our 2nd child and didn't drink or go out much and also finances were very tight .
At that time I accused WH that something was going on (this happened in mid DEC) which he denied but it may have been just that he didn't realize that that was what he was doing.)

But from that point things between us got better , he was drinking less.
Then while on our summer holiday I accidentally got pregnant again with child number 3 , I had a lot of trouble coming to terms with the unplanned pregnancy and I was much more affected by this pregnancy compared to my 2 boys. (tired and emotional)
Finances were very tight , I was supposed to start work again when child number 2 was 1 , but that didn't really happen till much later in the year.
So we were both stressed and my WH started drinking a lot again , i became depressed and disillusioned with him and started questioning him about his ability to look after the kids - to drunk to drive - and of course i didn't want to have sex with him as I was pregnant and he stunk of alcohol.
I started working freelance and this was stressful on top of being tired and pregnant.

And so this is where the OW comes in

We had close family friends, a couple who we had been friends with for about 7 or 8 years , she is a mid wife and for my second child I ask her to be my mid wife (it is frowned apron to have a friend or family member as your midwife , but i thought that was for medical reasons if some thing went wrong etc )

So for my 3rd child i asked her to again to deliver my baby.
Every thing seem fine between us , she would come for friday drinks , watching rugby with her husband, and her husband was at our house often playing records with my WH.

But in about June/july when I was 5/6 months pregnant she bumped into my WH at the Hardware store and they ended up going to a local park for a beer (this info come my WH)
and they stared making out - apparently not planned and WH says he didn't even think of it until it happened .

So they met up 3 times (?) making out in the park and then on a friday in August (8/8/14) he went to her house to take her to a garden center to get plants for her garden - and apparently when he went inside she was just out of the shower and only in a towel - so they have sex , go to the garden centre buy plants my WH goes off to another job and OW comes round to see me for friday catch up (vomit)
I all ready knew something was up , I don't know why but I felt very unsettled.
So OW is at my house and later my WH turns up and he stinks of perfume and is drunker that normal , I am acting funny as i can't figure out whats wrong and why I'm feeling upset OW heads home to see her kids, WH and I have a mini fight and he goes out with OW and her husband to see a band - I spend the night trying to figure out if the OW is my friend or if the OW is the girl from before:(

So I knew something was wrong , i convinced my self it wasn't my BF/midwife , but now that i was aware there were little signs all over the place - texting each other (when they didn't use to )
So according to WH things cool off a bit , I was heavily pregnant , apparently they were sexting - mainly when he was drunk but there were no more making out sessions or sex
i was starting to think that I had it wrong and I was over emotional because of the pregnancy
Then my WH had a vasectomy just before the birth of our daughter in Sept, so nothing happened for a few months . But of course OW was over at our place all the time to check on the baby and me.
So in november i realized something was still wrong and I had pretty much conclude that it was my BF/ mid wife so I started to try and catch them
His phone was always clear of her messages (it was odd that all texts from her were deleted) I started driving past her house (they lived about 10 min away) at random times to check if his ute was there during the day, I had started feeding them bits of information that no one else knew so i could catch them out.
A week before christmas they meet up again for sex
(probably the week of the OW's wedding anniversary , classy)
Forward a few weeks to 13th of Jan 2014
WH went out in the evening - he had been drinking at work so was a bit to drunk to remember to take his phone with him and I had the time to discover the Spam text folder which had some of the messages form her (he didn't know they were on his phone)
So i finally had proof and confronted WH when he got home

With the ex BF /OW, i texted her that I knew
she said that I was important to her and that we should talk, to which i replied that if she ever had contact with me or my children again I would report her to the Midwives council ( they have a very clear instruction not to have sexual relations with a client or clients partner and she would gets in a lot of trouble )

Since then NC from her but I have had contact with her Husband , as he was as much in the dark about it as I was.

So thats my JFO story

I am quite gutted and broken by this double betrayal

WH and I are trying to sort things out have been to MC

[This message edited by littleflower at 7:21 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you are going through any of this. Please take care of yourself. Always remember that none of this is your fault, it is all on him and his choices.
I suffered a double betrayal too as the OW and her H were our friends. I am so very sorry, but you will get through this, try to remember that when you feel totally overwhelmed.

(((Hugs)))


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((littleflower)))

Oh, honey. I know how intensely I depended on my midwife at the birth of my daughter, and I felt a really strong connection to her. This is a colossal betrayal, and I don't even know what to say.

I'm not sure where you are. In Canada, midwives are regulated and I would report a midwife for unprofessional conduct if this happened to me. Is this recourse open to you? It's something to think about, anyway.

Also, it seems your WH has a history of inappropriate behaviour when drinking. As a minimum for me to attempt to get past this, I would need my WH to stop drinking and maybe even attend AA.

I hope someone comes a long with the experience of a double betrayal and some advice on that. At the very least, I think finding your own counselor could be helpful with that. I'm so sorry. Your story really leaves me speechless, I just wanted to reach out and let you know you were heard.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost_in_toronto

Thanks for your post - I'm in NZ , mid wives are regulated here
The problem if I report her is that it will effect her family. Her husband was made redundant last year and he now works contract and his income is not secure , she has two teenage kids (her daughter baby sits for me)
if I report her they will all be effected, as she is the main bread winner at the moment.
And I will loose the control I have over her to stay away from me.
Tho sometimes I would really like to lodge a complaint - would it just be revenge ?

My WH is trying desperately to keep me and is not drinking at the moment , but i don't know how long that will last


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Littleflower, I'm so sorry. REPORT HER NOW! She doesnt deserve to keep her license after what she's done! She KNEW the consequences of her actions and did not care, so why should YOU cover for her?
Seriously, report her. NOW!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Jun 2007
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fully agree with reporting her. You don't get bonus points for being nice here.

Unless your husband is truly remorseful (not just sorry for being caught) MC is completely pointless.
You need to step back for a moment and think about what you want. Do you want to remain in this marriage, or is there another reason such as staying for the kids?

1) Implement 180
2) Both get checked for STDs
3) Go to a lawyer and see your options even if you plan to reconcile.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2013
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a physician in the states and here midwifery is also regulated. Please turn her in. That is so totally unprofessional that it sickens me. This woman is a PREDATOR. Do you think your WH will be the only husband she targets? Do you want other women to go through this? I'm sorry if her family gets hurt but those are consequences of HER actions not yours.

Hugs to you.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2176 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to Dr. Purplejacket! I, too, think this woman is a predator. If you do nothing, someone else WILL be victimized by her. Please report her. She knew better!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Jun 2007
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am totally confused now,
In our initial MC meeting I talked to her about wanting to report the OW and the MC told me that a midwife is someone who should just come into he home to care for me and the baby and it was my mistake to choose a friend to be the midwife and that the affair would of happened weather or not she was the midwife , so I should just forget the OW and wanting to report her and work on the relationship instead of revenge .

ZedLeppelin - my WH seems remorseful and my initial reason for staying is the 3 kids under 4


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you littleflower.

I want to mention that regardless if she was a friend or not, she is still bound by the code of ethics for her profession. The friendship takes a back seat here.

I think because she was a friend and your midwife, she should have looked out and protected you even more than just an average provider.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 400 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Littleflower- I'm sorry you're here. Double betrayals are hard.

Get a new MC. If this one blames you at all for the A, then s/he needs to go. Your WH could've had an A with a midwife he didn't know. He could've had an A with a friend that wasn't a midwife...he could've cheated with a complete stranger. Notice nowhere in that list did I mention you? Because when it comes down to it, cheating was his choice.

I want to point out that she didn't deliver your baby. You did. You did all the hard work, the baby came from your body and you labored her out. She caught the baby. Do what you can to reduce the significance of her in that day by changing perspective.

You're kind to not turn her in. Have you considered at least leaving reviews online so future clients are warned? As I said...this is a boundary issue with your WH. The same with her; it doesn't matter that she was a friend. She could be inappropriate with other clients partners.

Your WH needs to get in a treatment program and have some form of accountability.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11182 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our initial MC meeting I talked to her about wanting to report the OW and the MC told me that a midwife is someone who should just come into he home to care for me and the baby and it was my mistake to choose a friend to be the midwife and that the affair would of happened weather or not she was the midwife , so I should just forget the OW and wanting to report her and work on the relationship instead of revenge .

Warning...going to be blunt.

BULLSHIT.

Sound like this MC has some moral issues herself and I'd RUN to another MC who specializes in infidelity. I have never heard of a medical professional telling a person to NOT report another medical professional when misconduct has occurred. Please find a new MC. Also, in my opinion, you and your WH should be in IC. Him for his alcoholism and you for all the trauma you have endured.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our initial MC meeting I talked to her about wanting to report the OW and the MC told me that a midwife is someone who should just come into he home to care for me and the baby and it was my mistake to choose a friend to be the midwife and that the affair would of happened weather or not she was the midwife, so I should just forget the OW and wanting to report her and work on the relationship instead of revenge.

I also call bullshit and agree that you should consider finding a different MC.

First: the statement that you made a mistake choosing your friend to be the midwife.

I agree that it isn't a good idea to have a friend be a midwife. My best friend is a midwife and while she was at the birth of my daughter she was not the midwife. However, the MISTAKE that was made here was the OW's who should have been professional and referred you to another midwife. Asking your friend to be your midwife was simply a request; the OW is the professional, and the onus was on her to act accordingly.

Second: It makes me SO ANGRY when MCs try to make a BS feel in any way culpable for the affair.

Third: Yes, the affair might have happened whether she was your midwife or not. But the fact is, the affair began WHILE she was your midwife. She was a professional who should have been acting like a professional.

Fourth: Holding someone accountable for their actions does not make you vengeful AT ALL. If you were making shit up, that would be an act of pettiness and revenge. Reporting on the facts is not revenge.

Now, all that said, if you decide that you do not want to report her for the sake of her family, that is your decision to make. I do agree with others, though, that she has probably done this before with other husbands of her clients, and probably will again. Still, that doesn't mean that you are responsible for her future actions. Also, if you report her and she loses her livelihood, you are not responsible for that, either - HER ACTIONS, HER CONSEQUENCES.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get rid of MC. Just like therapist ethics bind the MC, the mid wife's ethics bind the mid wife, not you. You are not bound by professional boundaries, the mid wife is. It was the mid wife's duty to turn you down due to friendship, not yours. You did nothing wrong in asking, she was wrong in accepting.

I think you should turn her in. The friendship boundary is another breach in her professional conduct. I agree she is a predator. Her studies in midwifery would include family dynamics. She knows that men can be very vulnerable while their wives are pregnant. She knowingly put out the hook. I would say not the first time. This is not just a little A between two weak married people. She has knowingly done harm to a client.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1466 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((littleflower))))

Please read and re-read lost in toronto's last post. Summed up wonderfully.

Aside from whether you are going to report this "woman" or not, what do YOU want for YOU? What is your WH doing to make things better (or is he sweeping it under the rug)?

Please go to the healing library and read the 180. It's for you and will help you get through this, whether you decide to R or D...

hugs...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone who has commented , it's such a relief to be able to openly talk about what is going on.

I am now looking for a new MC


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you think that it would help me move forward if I reported the OW ?

@ lost_in_toronto

Fourth: Holding someone accountable for their actions does not make you vengeful AT ALL. If you were making shit up, that would be an act of pettiness and revenge. Reporting on the facts is not revenge.

your post made me think that I have no hard evidence that it started while I was pregnant
WH deleted his texts
So would i need him to give evidence against the OW?


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely get rid of your MC - their advice is crap with regards to the OW. This midwife is bound by the code of ethics. It is irrelavant that she was a friend - in fact I would think the midwifery council would frown on her accepting you as a client anyway - doctors, nurses and midwifes are educated in NZ as to our responsibilites under the code of rights.

She needs to be accountable for her actions. Yes there is likely to be financial fall-out for her however these are consequences of her actions. This woman's behaviour is predatorial. She needs any future practice as a midwife to be be under supervision to protect other clients and their families from her potential to reoffend.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 722 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I will loose the control I have over her to stay away from me.

No you will not. If she contacts you or threatens you, file a restraining order. I honestly don't think she will want to bring more legal trouble to herself. But if she does, you have the law on your side.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think your WH will be the only husband she targets? Do you want other women to go through this? I'm sorry if her family gets hurt but those are consequences of HER actions not yours.

^
This

Report the bitch NOW. How dare she have the luxury of having her situation protected by you including her children, her marriage, her financial stability, when you life has been screwed over by her and your idiot H. Sorry, but there are consequences for her actions. It is not YOUR job to make it OK for HER.

My God, this is absolutely disgusting and you must make sure she never gets the opportunity to infiltrate herself into anyone else's life/family again. I second what has been send by others here

SHE IS A PREDATOR.

As for your H. He needs a serious help but lets deal with her for now.

Love to you
Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1094 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Topic Posts: 39
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