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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: You all tried to warn me - napalm part 2
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well that break up with napalm guy? It didn't stick. After staying in contact somewhat (texting only occasionally) and a lonely xmas where for the first time in my life I spent the day by myself, we started talking for real. We had some heart to hearts. He demonstrated that he had made some changes. I realized I'm prejudiced about money and if I wanted this guy, then I needed to be ok being the breadwinner.

I thought things were going well. We were talking in terms of him moving here to be with me, as in dates. The only thing I asked was 1. to make sure he was done with CS payments and 2. to schedule the back surgery he needs. These two things were to help alleviate my anxiety about money & his health because if both of those things were done, then from my perspective he could come her without a job and it would be fine. If he wanted to work, yay but he would not *have* to work. Oh and the other thing was, I didn't want to be sending him money to help him out b/c the goal was to get him to where I am, not pay him to make it where he was.

Ive been, as many of you know, more than generous and forgiving. But today, via text, he asked for more. And my heart started racing. And it made me feel like I'm nothing but a "sugar mama" because he was always asking, and very not understanding that I don't have the money to send him. Even just $50. I'm tapped out trying to payoff the big bills (some of which went to him).

I was ruminating in my mind how to respond to the text given my visceral reaction to it. Before I do, he also tells me via text he finally spoke to the surgeon he has been playing phone tag with for weeks & that surgery for his back isn't possible. And expensive. Ugh, but I wasn't sure he wasn't just being fatalistic about the surgery. And so I waited until I got home to call ... & after he explained the surgery thing a little (still not so clear) I just broke down in tears. And crying I told him that I loved him but I felt our relationship had become solely about money & his health. And he hung up on me. I tried calling back. And then he sent a text telling me I was selfish and that he never wanted to talk to me again and to never contact him. There are 3 more long texts I haven't read because I'm sure they are just as ugly. And he's already deleted me from facebook.

I'm stunned & not. I'm stunned because when I started with I feel like our relationship is ... all he had to do was say I disagree. Or don't worry we"ll figure this out.

But obviously that isn't what happened. I'm taking him at his word to not contact him. After all, what would I say?? Hey I was telling you how I feel and you took it too far, assumed the worst, attacked me and made sure that I know that I can't trust you.

Well. Feel free to tell me "I told you so".

An expensive lesson. Wow. I'm just stunned. And sad.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cayc)))

He sounds like a narcissist to respond the way he did. I'm sure it hurts like hell, as it's not fair. But I am really glad you broke it off. He is not good for you, your self esteem, your mental health.

Big hugs to you. I know it feels really bad.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, honey. I'm sorry he turned out to be someone other than you thought he was. And I'm furious that he used and hurt you. You deserve so much better.

((((cayc))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25687 | Registered: Aug 2011
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Cayc))

I'm sorry. Don't beat yourself up over it- learn from it.

I predict that he'll be back at some point, all sweet and apologetic. My wish for you is that you are strong enough to resist him.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@williesmom, that's part of why I'm not responding. To not get sucked in. I have to admit that I'm not even upset yet. I'm sitting here just stunned. I really don't understand his reaction at all. bleah. I'm just bleah.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emotions are very powerful things. It's hard to learn to navigate them. I don't say this as someone who knows how to do it, just someone who is starting to understand the magnitude of the difficulty.

((cayc))


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 838 | Registered: Nov 2012
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take pride in the fact that you figured him out. It sounds like he was using you for the money, and when you pointed out this was becoming a problem, he probably moved on to his next piggy bank. You did nothing wrong, and in fact you didn't allow yourself to get sucked in any deeper. That's great!

Stunned is better than hurt. ((Cayc))


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2013
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take pride in being able to recognize and learn an important lesson. Don't beat yourself up, there are many kind and compassionate people that are taken advantage of.

This time, you read him correctly, and learned a valuable lesson when he showed you exactly who he really is.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand this relationship you have with this man. Have you ever met him or do you just know him from online and texting?

If you have not met him, I'd say you were getting scammed all along.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sounds like something you would see on Dr Phil. I have the same question, have you met him? He sounds like a classic scammer. Run!!!


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes I've met him, we were dating & he had to move for work & we've been in a LDR for awhile.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aren't you pissed off at this guy for calling you 'selfish'.....A-gain??!?? Anyone who has been *loaned* as much money as this guy has been has a lot of damn nerve to CONTINUE asking for more and even MORE nerve to get pissed off when you don't extend him any more credit. The cherry on top would be if he included another "You deserved what your ex did to you" statement in one of those additional messages that you haven't read yet.

CC, you want a partner who will share your life.....not a toddler who throws a tantrum when he is told 'no.'

surgery for his back isn't possible. And expensive

Huh? Which is it -- not possible or possible, but really expensive? I get the feeling that he is setting you up to pay for this surgery.

Good riddance to this guy.....and {{{hugs}}} 'cause I know you liked him.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the feeling that he is setting you up to pay for this surgery.
I have my doubts as to whether or not there was actual surgery needed. Back problems are very difficult to diagnose and we can all claims back issues on SOME level. I wonder if his was just a way to milk more money out of you.

So sorry that this happened, but I'm very glad you saw him for what he is before you sunk even more money and emotional investment into him.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6519 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I predict that he'll be back at some point, all sweet and apologetic. My wish for you is that you are strong enough to resist him.

^^THIS. This. A thousand times this.

The warnings haven't stopped.

"Selfish"?? Are.You.Fucking.Kidding.Me.? Its your fucking money!!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

This dance is familiar to you, me and all of us. You know how this ends.

Even if you do ignore these further warnings for the love of god please don't move in with him and do not support him. Do that for a few years and if he goes back to the man you thought he was then maybe this was a brain explosion.

I strongly doubt it.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Cayc!

I know it hurts but believe me before long you will surely look back and realize that you had a close escape.

My ex needed money from the start. These guys never change. There is always a crisis. They never have savings. They always promise to pay you back as soon as xyz happens and of course there is always some unforeseen event to prevent that.

I paid his debts, his dental bills, his medical bills and subsidized his business. I left my marriage poorer and now is is raging that he didn't get enough money in the divorce. Now he can't afford cataract surgery and that is my fault.

That is the problem: they don't get ever on their feet. They become accustomed to you paying and it sounds as if that was happening here, he expected you to pay.

You are right: you need a partner. This guy was never going to be it.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I woke up this morning to a string of ugly texts that I barely read and a Facebook friend request.

I just sent him this:

I wasn't trying to break up with you. I was trying to express my distress over where we are & how frustrated I am about what's going on. But you hung up on me and I haven't read further than the first text since I know the rest are just as ugly. Why? Why did you have to over react and ruin everything? It didn't have to happen. You didn't have to take it so far. You could have listened, and been a real partner to me to talk with me and to try and figure out a solution for us. You didn't have to be awful like this. You didn't have to ruin everything.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cayc)))

Sometimes it takes a few times for us to learn lessons that seem obvious to those on the outside.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

He's shown you who he is. Please don't let him suck you back in.

You are so amazing and I know a great guy is out there for you -- but you won't be able to find him if you're trying to fix this guy who is so clearly broken.

More hugs. (((cayc)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Dec 2011
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. (((cayc))) Stay strong!!! I'm proud that you recognized what was happening and tried to talk with him about it. He certainly showed you his true colors when he hung up on you. I hope the break up sticks this time around. You deserve way better than anything this guy can provide for you!


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CAYC, cut off all contact with this guy. Don't keep dealing with him. He will be fishing to get his hooks back into you. You recognized him for who he was but still gave him the benefit of the doubt. He showed you exactly who he is now you must believe him.

Do not engage with him, block his number from your phones, block his email address and ignore his friend request. There are men out there that don't play games, don't use people, and truly appreciate and adore the women they are with. This guy is not one of them. No more projects. People have to take responsibility for there own lives and this guy isn't doing that and likely never will. He is leeching off you and likely others. Step away from the crazy.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
dontknowwhyme
♂ Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You didn't have to be awful like this. You didn't have to ruin everything.

Should have continued with......

But you did and I realize now who you really are and not someone who I want to be with.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 55
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