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Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: You all tried to warn me - napalm part 2
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are seeing things more clearly and that its painful. Good for you for setting boundaries by letting him know what you were feelings and that financing him was not acceptable.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cayc)))

I know it hurts, but he sounds very manipulative. Does it seem odd to you that his reaction was disproportionate to the subject of the conversation?

It sounds like you're very generous and patient, yet he throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way.

The tantrums are a way to manipulate and control you. You push back, he blows up, you feel bad, then he starts getting what he wants. It's a pattern.

Block him from everything so you're not tempted to get hooked back in. NC him.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's an expert abuser and he is pushing all your buttons.

If you continue to communicate with him or give him one penny more, you'll experience nothing but the same, over and over again.

The choice is yours to make. For your own sanity I hope you make the right one.

Why on earth would you settle for this?

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:47 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say this cayc, but you shouldn't have sent that message. I understand why you did, it's hard to end things on an abrupt note without getting your say, but you still shouldn't have. Your gut feeling when he asked for money again told you everything you needed to know.

Please try to learn from my mistakes. I dated someone very much like this guy for a little over three years. He was and still is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. It was what made him good at using people for money. It was always about just this one time, or we can partners if you put up the cash and I'll do the work. It's funny, but I started to notice what he was doing to other people financially before I noticed what he was doing to me.

By the time I ended it I had $10,000 in additional debt. I never actually handed him any cash. For instance he'd tell me he was taking me out on his houseboat on Saturday and ask what I was going to feed us on the boat. After I we'd decide he'd tell me about the other 6 people he invited too. I'd feed them all. This kind of thing went on routinely. Because I was having a good time, and I felt privileged to be on his boat, I didn't really think about it. It turns out he didn't really own the boat. That was another no money from him "partnership" deal.

Please spare yourself the financial burden you will almost certain incur if you continue this relationship. He reaction to your refusal of the money speaks volumes. His wanted to make you feel cheap and superficial because he knows that's how he can keep you roped in.


Posts: 384 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would never have the audacity to ask someone for money like that. Then, when turned down, lash out viciously? Seriously? Talk about screaming red flags!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3385 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I've sent that text, the FB friend request disappeared and there are 9 new ugly-grams which I haven't bothered reading.

I learned an expensive lesson but I've learned it. I reall have no feeling about this right now. I'm just stunned and numb.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
clralb
♀ Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe you have dodged a huge bullet. In fact, a freaking grenade!

My mother always told me that if a man asks to borrow money from a woman, he's a bum and don't waste your time.

I used to brush it off and told her times are different now (she's 83).

After some hard lessons, I have found Mom was most definitely right.

I know it hurts, but please cut off all communication with this guy. You deserve sooo much better. In the long run, you'll look back and see it with a different set of eyes.

If you continue with this guy, you will become a piggy bank, care-taker, a mother. HE WILL NOT CHANGE!!

Good luck to you. Stay strong!


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cayc)))I have nothing to add, you've received some good advice here. Be strong. Stay the course.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3207 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it seem odd to you that his reaction was disproportionate to the subject of the conversation?

^^^This is an interesting thought. I don't know what it means, but I agree. His reaction was swift and cruel for no reason.

And I third the motion that there IS someone out there for you that will treat you how you deserve. You just gotta be brave enough to let go.

(((cayc))))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc, this is a teeny bit off topic, but do you have an emergency fund?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 840 | Registered: Nov 2012
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you did and I realize now who you really are and not someone who I want to be with.

Definitely this....

((cayc)) you are a good person with a large heart who is also going through a difficult time right now which makes you more susceptible to manipulators like this.

I'm having a difficult time in some ways myself lately.

I'm going to say something you already know. You. Deserve. Much. Better.

I'm sorry he's acting like this, but I agree that it's better now than later. He really is showing you who he is. Dump the chump and don't look back. ((cayc))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You definitely deserve so much better.

I also have to add: At our age, who does this kind of shit over facebook? Be a man if you've been an ass and want to apologize - don't sent me a fucking friend request.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just broke down in tears. And crying I told him that I loved him but I felt our relationship had become solely about money & his health.

Ok, so I really want to point out that you say this, but then earlier in the post you basically say that you need him to be done with CS and surgery because then he won't be such a leach on you.

Hon, you made it about money from the moment you were not ok with being the bread winner.

As far as him, he showed you who he was more then was necessary to tell you what you needed to know about him.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* I have a boundary which is really important to me

and

* Hey, you're violating my boundary really hard; I don't want a relationship focused on this violation

seem logically consistent, to me. Having the boundary does not automatically focus the relationship on the boundary.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 840 | Registered: Nov 2012
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it seem odd to you that his reaction was disproportionate to the subject of the conversation?
^^^This is an interesting thought. I don't know what it means, but I agree. His reaction was swift and cruel for no reason.

And this is why I'm stunned. And remain so. I'm still just numb in my reaction. It made no sense whatsoever. This is the one thing I'm turning over in my head. What's this about really? My best guess so far is that he's is ashamed of his situation and instead of doing something about it, he's lashing out at me. So that's where some of the over reaction is coming from, but it still doesn't account for the scorched earth policy.

He's still texting, it's up to 12 today alone. I'm still not reading them. What's the point? I guess the only good thing is that I'm not thinking what do I need to do to fix things, or what should I say, or really anything. It seems I am stronger today without even knowing it. I guess it crept up on me :)

(@undefinbl3, go back and re-read my opening post. You seem to have misunderstood.)


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc, this is a teeny bit off topic, but do you have an emergency fund?

Shockingly I do. With the exception of the chunk of change I gave this idiot, I've been responsible since the D. I'm ok. Not great. Not buy a plane ticket to the SI G2G next week room for maneuver. But ok in so far as I can meet my monthly obligations and eat without incurring more debt.



"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he is ashamed of his situation

Nah. He was pissed off because you didn't give him money.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8824 | Registered: Jan 2008
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote mental illness. It's been brought up about him before.

Good for you for recognizing this for what it is, for not internalizing it, for not blaming yourself, for not reading his vitriol (can you let someone else read them and delete without you seeing?). That's huge growth and progress, and I hope you see that and take pride in yourself for handling this well.

And finally, huge ((((hugs))))


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13791 | Registered: Jul 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It made no sense whatsoever.

Kind of like my Dday - it never fucking will because it isn't logical - it's crazy shit - and you don't need it in your life - ever again.

((cayc))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please block this guy from all avenues.

The unfriending on FB...and the texts.....are all part of the game. Once you didn't respond, then he sends a friend's request (ooohhhh - lucky you....)

When you did not reply favorably (in his opinion), he pulls the request back and starts the ambush of texts again.

Please disengage from him (block his number, FB, etc). He is playing games - you deserve better.

hugs!!!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2173 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Topic Posts: 55
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